[INFP] What to do about this INFP...

[Katriona1992]

Hey all,
How's it going? I'm an ENTP and all my friends are NTs too (my two best friends are an INTP and an ENTJ respectively). As such, I have little exposure to feelers in general- and what a shame it is! I recently met an INFP and she has made my heart pounce like no other

...Problem is...I kind of messed my chances up already.

A timeline of what happened:

1- She is a friend of my best friend (ENTJ) and I first bumped into her when they were having lunch (and I was shopping nearby).

2- We talked a little on facebook and she invited me to go to see her perform at the local theater club.

3- I went and WOW. Her skill. Her passion. Her beauty. Love was in the air that night and I looked like this afterwards:

4- She caught me staring/checking her out one too many times. Probably got creeped out. From then on, she started ignoring me.

5- The silence was too much for me so I went up to her and told her I fancied her. She was a little shocked but suggested we be friends. She also told me she had a crush on another person.

6- Getting rejected made me really sour, bruised my ego (for some reasons my friends overheard) and I got kind of upset (although, to be fair, she was being as gentle as possible). In the end, I decided to give her the cold shoulder in retaliation and totally ignore her even when she made genuine attempts of waving at me or tried to make small talk.

7- 3 months in and I realize I still liked her. Now that I know her better (from being around her even if I am not talking to her), I know that she had the crush on the same guy for more than a year and, since she still hasn't done like ANYTHING, I presume it isn't 100% serious.

In fact, according to my ENTJ friend, I got rejected because she barely knew me back then and got slightly overwhelmed by the whole confession. Thankfully, she still thinks of me as a "decent" and up to this date continues to look at me when she thinks I am not looking back at her. Also, when words like "spouse" or "partner" are mentioned in front of her, she will turn quickly to look at me. She seems pissed too when I talk about other girls (even if it was an innocent compliment like "X is so talented at piano") and told ENTJ that I wasn't "serious" about our "thing". She continues to ignore me in daily life unless I make it very clear I want to talk to her.

Guys, I realize I've been a bit of a douche in this, but is there any way to regain her trust and to make her realize that I AM actually serious? I am willing to apologise to her openly, but I don't know how to do it without sounding awkward?

Please help?

 

[21%]

Have you started being consistently friendly towards her or are you still ignoring her sometimes?

 

[Katriona1992]

I have tried to talk to her more but she still ignores me unless make it very very obvious I am addressing her...

 

[Mal12345]

It's all right to let her simmer for a while. But you have to make your move eventually. Just ask her out.

 

[Wolfie]

Sounds like time is not the issue for you, and that's good because this will definitely take some time. I would start by being consistently nice to her, but not coming on too strong. Put yourself in a position to see her more often, perhaps, but don't corner her. From there, there's really no fool-proof formula. Either you two will click or not. I wouldn't make any serious move until she's begun to trust you and the two of you are legitimate friends.

Also note that if she's liked a guy for a year and nothing has happened, I wouldn't assume that it's not serious. In fact, it could be very serious to her if she's liked him so long and held on even though she's getting no where. It's hard to get through to a woman when she's in that sort of haze, in my experience.

 

[21%]

^^

I agree with this. You need to be on good terms first before you will have any chance. Start with friendship. From now on, just forget what happened in the past and focus on being friends with her.

 

[Katriona1992]

Also note that if she's liked a guy for a year and nothing has happened, I wouldn't assume that it's not serious. In fact, it could be very serious to her if she's liked him so long and held on even though she's getting no where. It's hard to get through to a woman when she's in that sort of haze, in my experience.

Hmm, thats a bit worrying. Although if you really like someone, you would go tell them right? I mean, I would, but then not everyone thinks like me (of course)....

God, you guys are hard to read

 

[Udog]

Sounds like you have her eye, but she needs more comfort and familiarity before taking things to a romantic level. The advice to begin building a friendship is good. Just don't go too far and go the "nice-guy" route.

As for the crush, it's probably pretty serious, but she's waiting for him to make the move. Which he hasn't... so he's probably not that interested in her. If you guys are compatible, just spend some time with her and let propinquity work its magic, and her crush on him will slowly fade into a crush on you.

You can learn one thing from the crush though: She's crazy about him, but is waiting for him to make all the moves. And since he hasn't nothing has happened. She sounds like a girl that wants the guy to take the lead, but needs him to establish comfort and let things progress slowly. She needs a guy that will address her first in group conversation, and be clear about it. So as long as she responds positively, do it! (BTW, you talking about other girls in front of her doesn't help towards the whole comfort building thing.)

As for an apology, play it by ear. If she's acting uncomfortable around you, feel free to tell her the truth: the first time you saw her you were so emotionally moved by her performance on stage that you may have been a bit too forward for her comfort, but that you'd genuinely like to get to know her better and slow things down a bit if that makes her more comfortable. If she responds positively, suggest something fun for the both of you to go and do together.

Good luck.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Sounds like you have her eye, but she needs more comfort and familiarity before taking things to a romantic level. The advice to begin building a friendship is good. Just don't go too far and go the "nice-guy" route.

As for the crush, it's probably pretty serious, but she's waiting for him to make the move. Which he hasn't... so he's probably not that interested in her. If you guys are compatible, just spend some time with her and let propinquity work its magic, and her crush on him will slowly fade into a crush on you.

You can learn one thing from the crush though: She's crazy about him, but is waiting for him to make all the moves. And since he hasn't nothing has happened. She sounds like a girl that wants the guy to take the lead, but needs him to establish comfort and let things progress slowly. She needs a guy that will address her first in group conversation, and be clear about it. So as long as she responds positively, do it! (BTW, you talking about other girls in front of her doesn't help towards the whole comfort building thing.)

As for an apology, play it by ear. If she's acting uncomfortable around you, feel free to tell her the truth: the first time you saw her you were so emotionally moved by her performance on stage that you may have been a bit too forward for her comfort, but that you'd genuinely like to get to know her better and slow things down a bit if that makes her more comfortable. If she responds positively, suggest something fun for the both of you to go and do together.

Good luck.

This is great advice here.

And sadly I agree on the crush being serious business. At least for me, I don't get interested in people very easily and when I do it's hard to let go. Reality usually makes me more stubborn.

good luck!

 

[Wolfie]

Hmm, thats a bit worrying. Although if you really like someone, you would go tell them right? I mean, I would, but then not everyone thinks like me (of course)....

God, you guys are hard to read

We can be, I suppose. Though, I have to say that most people who say that tend to overlook the obvious. Men and women.

She might not say anything if she really likes someone. Of course I don't know her. But why would she be hanging around for 1 year and not moving on? As a most-likely-INFP, I can tell you I have waited around for a guy like that before. During that time, I just really couldn't be interested in anyone else. So.. it's possible.

But once you become friends with her, I think you'll get your answer.

 

[Thessaly]

Well if she's liked some guy for a year and has done nothing to initiate then it's possible she likes you too and is acting similarly. People have their patterns. Her looking at you and becoming jealous at your attention towards others indicates to me that she likes you, but doesn't know how to deal with it. If I were you I'd start dating other people and move on. She'll realize you aren't around forever then and maybe actually make a move. And if she's too afraid of rejection she'll become much more clear in her feelings towards you by becoming cold/withdrawn and then maybe you can just ask her what's up and see how it goes. This way you can determine if she likes you and if she doesn't you'll be dating someone new to have fun with. Win win.

 

[Rebe]

It sounds like she is afraid of putting herself out there and perhaps making a fool of herself. It's difficult sometimes to click with an INFP. Sometimes it's really easy, sometimes it's more uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe she is going through a phrase of her life where she does not feel that confident or self-assured so she doesn't know if she should take a risk with you. I think getting to know her better will help so that she can feel comfortable with you and at least talk to you like a friend. Having conversations with each other is a requirement of any relationship. I think that one of you has to break the ice and since you're entp, it will be easier for you. Be really laid-back and easy-going with her and your energy will calm her. Don't be upset that she rejected you once otherwise she will feel uncomfortable and avoid you further. Just be very friendly, be attentive to her needs when you can, and be there for her but don't be upset or make things awkward. And see how that goes?

 

[Stanton Moore]

Tell her again. Tell her again.

 

[prplchknz]

you fucked up. if someone ignores me screw them, and i don't mean literally either.

 

[Udog]

Guys, it's pretty clear that the ENTP who created this thread forgot about it 5 minutes after creating it...