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[MBTI General] Jealousy

raindancing

actinomycetes
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Feb 28, 2008
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Jealousy hasn't really been a feature in my life, but there was a recent episode with my INTP that has brought its fascinating presence to my attention.

I guess I'm just interested to hear people's experiences with jealousy, how it has affected you or your SO. :shrug:
Just talk to me, I'm bored!


So I'll start with my recent experience. :D
Which isn't anything much, but it did surprise me.

I posted a pic on facebook and this guy on my friends list made a comment about my eyes. My INTP doesn't like this guy, he's a friend of my sister and I hardly know him.
Anyway, my INTP saw the comment and went into total protective alpha male mode. It was very bizarre. His body language changed, his inflections. I seriously think he would have decked the guy if he'd been there. The things he said to him were completely out of character. Very direct and confrontational.
I kind of watched it all going, :shock:
I mean the comment wasn't anything really.

After the guy deleted the comment, back-tracked, apologized, I finally sat my INTP down and harried him with questions about what exactly he was feeling/experiencing through it all. :D
"It's important for me to understand, for writing you know."

These are some of the things I came away with:
A large adrenaline spike and the physical effects that go with it, wanting to inflict violence on the guy, feelings of shame afterward (that he may have acted irrationally) but at the same time said he wouldn't act differently. This masculine protective surge lasted for several days. He would dwell on the guy, on and off. I could tell just from the change in his body language.

I still don't really understand why he got so jealous about it...:unsure:
 

raindancing

actinomycetes
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My wild guess is because you're precious to him. He's a guy and knows from his own experience how visual men are. http://www.prageruniversity.com/Life-Studies/Men-and-the-Power-of-the-Visual.html

That said, I think he could use :chillpill:.

Well I understand the reason in that sense, but it wasn't exactly normal behavior for him. As far as I know, he's never gotten jealous like that before, and we've been married for 14 years. :)

What about you, any experiences with jealousy you care to share? :D
 

SD45T-2

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Well I understand the reason in that sense, but it wasn't exactly normal behavior for him. As far as I know, he's never gotten jealous like that before, and we've been married for 14 years. :)
Do your INTP and this other dude have some sort of history? :thinking:

What about you, any experiences with jealousy you care to share? :D
Not really. I've never had a SO.
 

Starry

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Well I understand the reason in that sense, but it wasn't exactly normal behavior for him. As far as I know, he's never gotten jealous like that before, and we've been married for 14 years. :)

What about you, any experiences with jealousy you care to share? :D

If my SO was not normally a jealous person...and then he became that way (the way you describe) over a facebook comment from some random dude...I would wonder what was going on with him.

note: From the information you provided...I should say I don't know how *random* this dude really is. I don't know how much involvement you have with this person in your life. Like SD45T-2 mentioned...I don't know if there is a history there or what. But if there is no real history...then I would wonder what was 'wrong' with your husband (like is he under a lot of stress right now?) to have him react in that way.
 

Betty Blue

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I'd say it was more to do with the particular person than the comment itself. Prehaps he does have a history with this guy. Maybe he see's something in him that he dosn't trust, some kind of game play.
It could be that he see's it as an insult to himself or you, because of past behaviours etc.
Prehaps even he see's qualities in this other that make him feel insecure or lacking.
I highly doubt it has much to do with you at all at this point, other than you being the prize that needs protecting.
It's also possible that this man (heres my own paranoia coming out) has something over your husband and thinks he can lord his power in this way.
Idk, lots of possibilities.
Best course of action is to talk it through more.

Oh and the jealousy thing, i did just get a pang of and was really impressed that i managed to communicate and resolve a potential mine field of unresolved internal questioning-just by discussing it-worked like magic.
 

PsyBorg

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As an INTP, feelings of jealousy used to get the better of me, also. I gave a lot of thought when younger as to why I had those feelings and came to the conclusion that they are unnecessary. I think it is kind of like an irrational fear of snakes or spiders. Some people just freak out at the mention of them, others when they are crawling on them, and some can pick them up and pet them. I have drifted into the latter selection when it comes to jealousy, it just does not affect me anymore .. still in the middle one with spiders though :)
 

raindancing

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I'd say it was more to do with the particular person than the comment itself. Prehaps he does have a history with this guy. Maybe he see's something in him that he dosn't trust, some kind of game play.

Yep you figured the reason. I didn't go into it because I was more interested in the reaction (and hearing about other people's experiences). My sister is a supa hot teenager and this guy is the dad of her best friend... I won't go into details, but after the episode I was obviously trying to figure out what it was about this guy my husband so disliked. Turns out he thinks he's a scumbag slimy pervert who enjoys taking my bikini clad sister to the lake and he doesn't even want those beady eyes looking at anything to do with his wife.

So I understand why in that sense, I guess I just don't feel the understanding. Does that make sense? I'm having trouble getting my head into that perspective. I've never had any strong feelings of jealousy/protectiveness before. (Oh yea, and my husband even said that he wasn't even sure why it made him feel not just protective, but also jealous -since there wasn't anything to be jealous of.)
 

Starry

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Yep you figured the reason. I didn't go into it because I was more interested in the reaction (and hearing about other people's experiences). My sister is a supa hot teenager and this guy is the dad of her best friend... I won't go into details, but after the episode I was obviously trying to figure out what it was about this guy my husband so disliked. Turns out he thinks he's a scumbag slimy pervert who enjoys taking my bikini clad sister to the lake and he doesn't even want those beady eyes looking at anything to do with his wife.

So I understand why in that sense, I guess I just don't feel the understanding. Does that make sense? I'm having trouble getting my head into that perspective. I've never had any strong feelings of jealousy/protectiveness before. (Oh yea, and my husband even said that he wasn't even sure why it made him feel not just protective, but also jealous -since there wasn't anything to be jealous of.)

What is your definition of jealousy?
 

Lexicon

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[YOUTUBE="ah5gAkna3jI"].[/YOUTUBE]
 

raindancing

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What is your definition of jealousy?

Hmm good question :)
I suppose I think of it as the fear of something valued being taken away, a perceived rivalry maybe...

And actually I just remembered something else that might explain his reaction more. I had a conversation with that guy maybe a month or so before this incident, just chatting on facebook about philosophy. I mentioned it to my husband at the time, because I had been surprised this guy was interested in philosophy. I didn't think anything more of it... but maybe this combined with the comment brought up the reaction? I had shared some of my mind with this guy he didn't like, and then the guy sort of hit on me. Maybe the rivalry he perceived was more for the mind than any physical thing? :thinking:
 

ceecee

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Hmm good question :)
I suppose I think of it as the fear of something valued being taken away, a perceived rivalry maybe...

And actually I just remembered something else that might explain his reaction more. I had a conversation with that guy maybe a month or so before this incident, just chatting on facebook about philosophy. I mentioned it to my husband at the time, because I had been surprised this guy was interested in philosophy. I didn't think anything more of it... but maybe this combined with the comment brought up the reaction? I had shared some of my mind with this guy he didn't like, and then the guy sort of hit on me. Maybe the rivalry he perceived was more for the mind than any physical thing? :thinking:

Maybe you shouldn't talk to him online. I get that you don't understand why your husband is jealous but, you know he doesn't like the guy. You know the guy has hit on you in the past. You share these things with your husband, which is fine but because you already know how he feels, the more you talk to the guy AND tell your husband about it, the more he will think WTF?? She knows I don't like this guy. It makes absolutely no difference if you don't think anything more about it or feel the conversations are meaningless.
 

raindancing

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Maybe you shouldn't talk to him online. I get that you don't understand why your husband is jealous but, you know he doesn't like the guy. You know the guy has hit on you in the past. You share these things with your husband, which is fine but because you already know how he feels, the more you talk to the guy AND tell your husband about it, the more he will think WTF?? She knows I don't like this guy. It makes absolutely no difference if you don't think anything more about it or feel the conversations are meaningless.

I talked to the guy once, before I realized how my husband felt. I haven't talked to him since, and don't plan on it. It's not an issue. :)
 

LotsOfHeart

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This is a perfect example of the negative side of websites like Facebook. You post a picture, guy sees you, probably drools over you a bit, makes comment, your boyfriend gets hurt/mad. Not to say that Facebook is an entirely bad thing, but this is definitely one aspect about it I don't like.

I can't blame your boyfriend. Truth be told, I wouldn't like some guy openly checking out my girlfriend on FB either. Of course, context comes into play; I don't know the nature of the comment as I haven't seen it. But generally, I'd say it's kind of clueless of that guy to make any comment, unless your relationship status is hidden and he had no idea. Either way, I would prefer to know from a girl *in person* that she is available before I made any comments about her body. But that's just me.

What was his comment if you don't mind me asking? Sorry if you posted it somewhere in this thread and I missed it.
 

raindancing

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This is a perfect example of the negative side of websites like Facebook. You post a picture, guy sees you, probably drools over you a bit, makes comment, your boyfriend gets hurt/mad. Not to say that Facebook is an entirely bad thing, but this is definitely one aspect about it I don't like.

I can't blame your boyfriend. Truth be told, I wouldn't like some guy openly checking out my girlfriend on FB either. Of course, context comes into play; I don't know the nature of the comment as I haven't seen it. But generally, I'd say it's kind of clueless of that guy to make any comment, unless your relationship status is hidden and he had no idea. Either way, I would prefer to know from a girl *in person* that she is available before I made any comments about her body. But that's just me.

What was his comment if you don't mind me asking? Sorry if you posted it somewhere in this thread and I missed it.

I didn't post it. And I don't remember exactly what was said, the guy deleted the comment after my husband confronted him. But the pic was a head shot of my new hair color and i was looking at the camera from peering over top of a book. One of my friends had commented that she didn't notice the hair cause the book was in the way. The guy said something like he couldn't notice anything else with those stunning eyes. He certainly knew I was married.
 

Not_Me

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In order for him to react that way, I think there would have to be a subconscious belief that you might respond positively to the attention from this person. That would explain the shame because in effect, he was doubting you, even though you've given him no reason to do so. That is how my mind would work.
 

LotsOfHeart

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I didn't post it. And I don't remember exactly what was said, the guy deleted the comment after my husband confronted him. But the pic was a head shot of my new hair color and i was looking at the camera from peering over top of a book. One of my friends had commented that she didn't notice the hair cause the book was in the way. The guy said something like he couldn't notice anything else with those stunning eyes. He certainly knew I was married.

Well, to me, that comment is entirely inappropriate to make to someone who is unavailable, let alone a married woman. I don't want to be in the role of that preachy person who says, "You should've done this." Honestly, it's hard to know how to react when someone posts a comment like that on the internet. In real life, if your husband was there, it's highly doubtful that a comment like that would be made at all, but if it were, he'd have to say something...

Some of it may be that he felt like you'd respond positively to it, on a subconscious level, but also it's a matter of taking a stand. Maybe he thinks if he lets that guy get away with it, he'll just keep doing it, or maybe some other guys will too. I mean, if some girl you didn't like told your husband he had beautiful eyes, how would that make you feel? Maybe you wouldn't want to fight the person, but nobody likes that sort of thing. Just my two cents.
 

Starry

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Well, to me, that comment is entirely inappropriate to make to someone who is unavailable, let alone a married woman.

It is inappropriate to tell an unavailable or married person their eyes are stunning? No...seriously - I'm asking because the truth of the matter is...I wouldn't hesitate myself to do something like this. If I saw a photo of someone...and I actually thought...for whatever reason their eyes looked stunning...I would tell them this...and no I wouldn't stop myself ahead of time to try and find out whether or not they were 'off-the-market'...because it wouldn't matter as I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction. I'm sure that wouldn't even come into my mind. I would just be speaking the (my) truth...and 'giving credit where credits due'. Trying to brighten someone's day.
 

Cimarron

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...I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction.
I believe you, but there's some value in considering the effect your actions will have on others, and then eventually effect you again. Even though you don't mean to communicate attraction in something like that, the thing to realize is that a lot of other people (perhaps most people) would. No one can tell you what not to say--it's just that with certain social actions come social consequences, and you may find it easier to prepare for that, maybe by withholding comments like that until you've scouted the social environment first, or just withhold it altogether. Different people put different weight into the importance of this.

Believe me, I know the feeling of, "I shouldn't have to! Why should I? Just because society dictates it?" It's pretty irritating.
 

raindancing

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Some of it may be that he felt like you'd respond positively to it, on a subconscious level, but also it's a matter of taking a stand. Maybe he thinks if he lets that guy get away with it, he'll just keep doing it, or maybe some other guys will too. I mean, if some girl you didn't like told your husband he had beautiful eyes, how would that make you feel? Maybe you wouldn't want to fight the person, but nobody likes that sort of thing. Just my two cents.
Yea there may be something to that, like what [MENTION=2131]Not_Me[/MENTION] said. Which is a bit upsetting/sad.
If the situations were reversed it wouldn't bother me.
For a direct comparison, he does have fantastically beautiful eyes, complete with eye lashes I would kill for --and he absolutely hates them. If some girl told him how beautiful they were, I would probably dissolve laughing. :D

There have been a few occasions where a girl has said something about his attractiveness (and not his eyes lol), or tried to hit on him. It's never made me remotely jealous. :shrug: I guess I don't have the slightest doubt about him.

It is inappropriate to tell an unavailable or married person their eyes are stunning? No...seriously - I'm asking because the truth of the matter is...I wouldn't hesitate myself to do something like this. If I saw a photo of someone...and I actually thought...for whatever reason their eyes looked stunning...I would tell them this...and no I wouldn't stop myself ahead of time to try and find out whether or not they were 'off-the-market'...because it wouldn't matter as I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction. I'm sure that wouldn't even come into my mind. I would just be speaking the (my) truth...and 'giving credit where credits due'. Trying to brighten someone's day.
This was kind of where my husband and I conflicted. When I read the comment, that's exactly how I thought of it.
And I do the same thing you said, if I think it then often I'll say it, just cause I know they'd probably like to hear it. It'd make them happy, why not?
Saying that, I do try to censor what I say to men... in case I give the wrong impression. But I really hate it.


As a side note, the whole thing made me feel kind of warm and fuzzy (which I found mildly disturbing). It was overt evidence that he valued me. Not that I didn't know, but some weird part of me liked the idea that he would fight for me.
Now let's all go watch animal planet.
 
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