[Ni] Stalkerish behaviour creeping me out

[SilkRoad]

You said you had stalkerish tendencies and that stalkers make you sick. I'm struggling to understand what looks like overreaction, but I don't know all the details of your interaction.
People imitate me all the time. I find it amusing.


Yes, I've been stalked. Threatened. Hacked. Had stuff stolen, including my identity. Malicious stalking can be serious. Someone crushing on you a bit inappropriately? Nothing to work up a sweat about, IMO.

I am probably a bit too sensitive/emotional to find this kind of behaviour amusing. And when I say I have "stalkerish" tendencies, I am being fairly hard on myself. Yes, I have looked people up on the internet when I'm interested in them, and I daydream too much without enough basis in reality. However, I haven't followed people down the street, or jumped onto public transport with them when they were trying to get away from me, or gone into their building uninvited, or showed up at events that I'd somehow figured out they were going to, or grabbed them and refused to let go, or started imitating their dress and hairstyle, or copied/shadowed their every move on the internet.

Just curious - would you find that behaviour totally amusing and non-threatening?

 

[Circle]

Yes, I've been stalked. Threatened. Hacked. Had stuff stolen, including my identity. Malicious stalking can be serious. Someone crushing on you a bit inappropriately? Nothing to work up a sweat about, IMO.

To be fair, she at least feels that it's more than "inappropriate crushing". Even if in reality the situation is minor, it's also worth respecting her very real feelings. Now, how she acts on the feelings is something she needs to be careful with.

 

[Salomé]

I am probably a bit too sensitive/emotional to find this kind of behaviour amusing. And when I say I have "stalkerish" tendencies, I am being fairly hard on myself. Yes, I have looked people up on the internet when I'm interested in them, and I daydream too much without enough basis in reality. However, I haven't followed people down the street, or jumped onto public transport with them when they were trying to get away from me, or gone into their building uninvited, or showed up at events that I'd somehow figured out they were going to, or grabbed them and refused to let go, or started imitating their dress and hairstyle, or copied/shadowed their every move on the internet.

Just curious - would you find that behaviour totally amusing and non-threatening?

You're like 6ft or something, yes? Is she really a physical threat to you? I think she'd annoy me a bit but I'd manage to ignore her. If she violated my space I'd feel justified in responding with enough physical force to ensure she recognised that wasn't a behaviour I was prepared to tolerate. Other than that, just ignore it and eventually it will go away. Obsessing about it isn't helping you any.

 

[SilkRoad]

You're like 6ft or something, yes? Is she really a physical threat to you? I think she'd annoy me a bit but I'd manage to ignore her. If she violated my space I'd feel justified in responding with enough physical force to ensure she recognised that wasn't a behaviour I was prepared to tolerate. Other than that, just ignore it and eventually it will go away. Obsessing about it isn't helping you any.

She's about a foot shorter than me and not a physical threat (unless she shows up with a weapon someday, which I think is relatively unlikely...), but it is nonetheless quite a distressing and violating feeling to have to practically break someone's fingers to get them to let go of you.

I am doing my best to ignore, and the situation is much improved but yes, there are still aspects that are bothering me and I slightly wonder if I'll ever entirely get rid of her - especially as she's managed to worm her way into some of my friends' lives and so on (ie. the IRL friends who she added on Facebook, some of whom I'd say have paid far too much attention to her needy passive-aggression.) But anyway, never mind, I guess you and I have a pretty different approach to this stuff.

 

[Circle]

You're like 6ft or something, yes? Is she really a physical threat to you? I think she'd annoy me a bit but I'd manage to ignore her. If she violated my space I'd feel justified in responding with enough physical force to ensure she recognised that wasn't a behaviour I was prepared to tolerate. Other than that, just ignore it and eventually it will go away. Obsessing about it isn't helping you any.

Anyone who's ever been hurt, abused, or threatened by another person can tell you that physical size has little to do with it. Some people are just willing to go farther. Some people are more willing to get physical and to violate that fundamental boundary between two people. That being said, if I were threatened physically I would probably involve the police.

 

[Glycerine]

PM your mutual friends on FB for a bit.

 

[SilkRoad]

Anyone who's ever been hurt, abused, or threatened by another person can tell you that physical size has little to do with it. Some people are just willing to go farther. Some people are more willing to get physical and to violate that fundamental boundary between two people. That being said, if I were threatened physically I would probably involve the police.

She's backed off enormously except for the indications that she's still imitating me/monitoring my internet activity, so I haven't had to deal with the following/violation of personal space type stuff any more, not lately. But if she attempts something similar again, I will first call her dad and then suggest that I involve the police.

 

[Salomé]

The girl is disturbed but not dangerous, according to SR's assessment. Excessively punitive treatment seems harsh, IMO. She is already clearly suffering a great deal. A bit of compassion/tolerance wouldn't hurt.

 

[SilkRoad]

The girl is disturbed but not dangerous, according to SR's assessment. Excessively punitive treatment seems harsh, IMO. She is already clearly suffering a great deal. A bit of compassion/tolerance wouldn't hurt.

In general I very much agree with your last comment. Unfortunately I tried that with a very long time with her. I had more people than I can count tell me that they wouldn't put up with an ounce of what I was dealing with, or that I was being overly compassionate/tolerant. All my compassion and tolerance ended up exhausted with this person.

I felt very much for the fact that she was obviously suffering. The thing is, I know other people who suffer with serious mental illness and the like and who still manage to be pleasant people to be around. Perhaps she's a little too young to have learned all that - but she's almost 20, not a complete child. I held out a lot of hope for quite a while as I saw her potential. I have now given up trying to see her potential.

 

[Thalassa]

She's backed off enormously except for the indications that she's still imitating me/monitoring my internet activity, so I haven't had to deal with the following/violation of personal space type stuff any more, not lately. But if she attempts something similar again, I will first call her dad and then suggest that I involve the police.

I think you should pay less attention to her. Really.

I think you're a little too wrapped up in this as well if you care that much she's watching you on the Internet, unless she's directly contacting you.

 

[Glycerine]

I think you should pay less attention to her. Really.

I think you're a little too wrapped up in this as well if you care that much she's watching you on the Internet, unless she's directly contacting you.

Yeah, getting anxious over someone "liking" a post seems a bit paranoid. If she does it several times a week, that's understandable. People "like" random posts all the time.

 

[SilkRoad]

Yeah, getting anxious over someone "liking" a post seems a bit paranoid. If she does it several times a week, that's understandable. People "like" random posts all the time.

It has on occasion been several times a week. Yes, I guess it's paranoid. It is probably a leftover from her habit (before I blocked her) of getting irrationally angry with me and "unliking" a few dozen things on my page. That sort of thing.

The classic was when my public FB page hit 50 likes and she was so jealous that she unliked it, so I wouldn't be at 50 any more.

Ok, so I am a bit over-obsessed with the FB-type stuff. I think it is a case of detaching myself from all the unpleasantness that has gone before. Also, it may be her intention that I notice this stuff and get stressed out. Fortunately, although I may still be too preoccupied in my head, I've succeeded in not showing her at all that I'm worried. I'm just ignoring/staying away and hopefully that will ultimately kill her own obsession.

 

[Thalassa]

The classic was when my public FB page hit 50 likes and she was so jealous that she unliked it, so I wouldn't be at 50 any more.

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS? This would only be something I was aware of with an ex-bf or something. Really? REALLY?

Ok, so I am a bit over-obsessed with the FB-type stuff. I think it is a case of detaching myself from all the unpleasantness that has gone before. Also, it may be her intention that I notice this stuff and get stressed out. Fortunately, although I may still be too preoccupied in my head, I've succeeded in not showing her at all that I'm worried. I'm just ignoring/staying away and hopefully that will ultimately kill her own obsession.

Wow you are being an Ni dom to the extreme, I'm not trying to be mean, but I've actually had an Ni dom do this to *me* before, like totally overreact when he was being INdirect, really jumping to conclusions and stuff.

Stop obsessing about her, and you'll notice less that she's obsessing over you.

 

[SilkRoad]

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS? This would only be something I was aware of with an ex-bf or something. Really? REALLY?

I know because she told me! I was like "oh, petty behaviour...nice" and she said "I think it's better for me to be petty than to do other things."

 

[Thalassa]

I know because she told me! I was like "oh, petty behaviour...nice" and she said "I think it's better for me to be petty than to do other things."

Ok. She's in love with you.

I apologize for judging you based on my own experiences.

Do the thing on facebook where she can't even search your profile.

 

[SilkRoad]

Ok. She's in love with you.

I apologize for judging you based on my own experiences.

Do the thing on facebook where she can't even search your profile.

It's fine. Yeah, I've blocked her entirely.

I imagine she may end up being the subject of other people's threads on online forums as well. I have a couple of friends who've tried to do a lot to help her as well (though not to the over-involved extent I did) and she's driven them nearly insane too. She stalks/imitates others to a certain extent too but I think tends to pick one person she's insanely fixated on, at a time.

 

[CzeCze]

Not clumsy, and thanks

She is to be pitied in a lot of ways, because "it must be hell inside her head" certainly applies to her. But she's allowed the messed-up-ness bequeathed to her by her family to be an excuse for awful, unacceptable behaviour and for having a pretty nasty personality, which I have a lot less sympathy for. And I have little to no sympathy for her stupid parents.

Mmmm, is your OP an example of the INFJ doorslam?

It's good you confronted her directly and in no uncertain terms. That's what you need to do. Though it probably came too little, too late in retrospect.

As for your quoted text, I understand where you are coming from. And I think this episode is probably going to be "The Lesson" that changes your mind on how, to what extent, and to whom, you reach out to.

This is not an uncommon problem for NFs, though generally it's to the more indiscriminate, slightly outwardly clueless (that's kind honesty!!!) XNFPs . I've had this happen to me as well (people growing attached and thinking our relationship was something it was not).

I understand sympathy and compassion prevented you from being harsher earlier, but good boundaries make for good friends and even better, it keeps you safe and sane! It also helps teach other people boundaries, else they will always be tripping and falling over them. I hope you learned a lot about your limits and recognizing troubled people/behavior before it gets out of hand. Personally, I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be in public or with strangers. Needy people with issues, god bless them, have an antennae and know exactly who they can attach to and how far they can push things. They are not malicious usually and cannot help themselves but don't let them suck you dry or make effigies of you out of your hair that they worship next to their beds at night.

As far as her stalking behavior now, you also know it, but it's nothing out of the ordinary looking at it objectively. Yes, it feels incredibly creepy to you because you know her and how intense/odd her fixation is and know she's continuing in a smaller way her previous unwanted behavior. However, if you really don't want people following you around online, you basically don't have a blog or participate in anything online. That's what people do after really bad break ups, change their phone number, erase online blogs and Facebook, even change emails and sometimes they even move physically. I had a guy start a dating profile page just to check my profile out and let me know that he had looked, then promptly he erased his profile. There have even been people on this forum say that someone is using the forum to monitor them. Stuff like that goes with the territory of having any kind of online presence.

I might even go so far as to suggest you moving churches. It sounds extreme and may seem like a big loss of community but that is just too close for comfort.

But yes, please, feel free to shake it all off in here and vent to your heart's content.

Hope you came out of this wiser.

 

[SilkRoad]

I hope you learned a lot about your limits and recognizing troubled people/behavior before it gets out of hand. Personally, I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be in public or with strangers. Needy people with issues, god bless them, have an antennae and know exactly who they can attach to and how far they can push things. They are not malicious usually and cannot help themselves but don't let them suck you dry or make effigies of you out of your hair that they worship next to their beds at night.

Yup, really relate to this. Generally I attract pretty healthy people who are quite similar to me (a lot of IxxJs, and not emotionally insane whatever their type!). But I do fall into the "too nice" or "doormat" trap sometimes, and then attract weird/difficult people. The good thing about an experience like this is that I'm hardening up a lot in saying no to those who might suck me dry (or who I simply don't want to get too involved with.)

I've considered the entirely removing online presence/moving to another congregation ideas. Both of which I'm reluctant to do as I have an investment in them. I think that realistically, although some of this is still bothering and upsetting me, it is in large part delayed reaction, or over-reaction to current small petty stuff that reminds me of nastier stuff that happened. I don't envisage it getting worse again, and hopefully if I continue to ignore/not react it will just die away entirely. But we'll see.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

My thought, as an NF and N dom, is to distance yourself absolutely as much as possible. Don't check out anything of hers online - in fact, maybe avoid facebook for a while - try to avoid her entirely at church, etc. Not in a hiding sort of way, but in the way that your mind-connections will begin diminishing. If there are things that remind you of her, try to make new connections for those things with other feelings and experiences. If you do encounter her, try to immediately think of other things and dampen your emotional response. Let your mind loosen ties to her and fade her out. Then eventually you will be able to think of her emotionally much in the same way as you can think of an ex, with a sort of neutral distance, and less stirring of emotion despite an awareness of strong emotion in the past.

I echo this also.

Keeping tabs on someone just makes you "involved" with them still. People somehow pick up on this "interest", even if you are not directly interacting with them. If you began to detach emotionally/mentally, then even when confronted with "signs" of her you will find less & less response to it within yourself, and she will likely sense this indifference also.

I also always tells myself that if I can see that someone else is very "off" (or mean or rude or whatever), then so can others. There's often little need to worry about whatever lies they could spread because these people tend to discredit themselves very quickly. The more you distance yourself (physically & mentally), the less power they have to affect you. Your main power is to remove & resist any affect on yoursef from her actions.

These kinds of people can follow you around or keep tabs on you, but your obliviousness to them will grow old quite fast. They need some kind of response or acknowledgment of them, negative or positive. Stalker rule #1 (because unfortunately I have dealt with stalkers) is that no response or acknowledgment of their existence is the best way to get rid of them.

Oh she's potentially NFP. ExFPs are notorious stalkers.

This is a joke, right?

At a stretch, I could see a higher tendency in P-dom, but any P-dom, including Pi-dom (pretty sure all of my stalkers were IxxJs). It's often a perception issue with people like this (they genuinely cannot "see" that you don't want them), and P-dom are more driven by perception.

 

[Thalassa]

I echo this also.

Keeping tabs on someone just makes you "involved" with them still. People somehow pick up on this "interest", even if you are not directly interacting with them. If you began to detach emotionally/mentally, then even when confronted with "signs" of her you will find less & less response to it within yourself, and she will likely sense this indifference also.

I also always tells myself that if I can see that someone else is very "off" (or mean or rude or whatever), then so can others. There's often little need to worry about whatever lies they could spread because these people tend to discredit themselves very quickly. The more you distance yourself (physically & mentally), the less power they have to affect you. Your main power is to remove & resist any affect on yoursef from her actions.

These kinds of people can follow you around or keep tabs on you, but your obliviousness to them will grow old quite fast. They need some kind of response or acknowledgment of them, negative or positive. Stalker rule #1 (because unfortunately I have dealt with stalkers) is that no response or acknowledgment of their existence is the best way to get rid of them.

I disagree with the bolded because people perceive people differently, and judge them differently. There's also things like group-think to contend with.

However, you're probably right about this in the sense that the people who really matter, the people who actually know you and/or care about you, won't believe a detractor who is "off" or mean, or whatever.

I've been told this by a mod on this forum. If there's a dog there, we don't need you to point and scream and jump up and down and tell us there's a fucking dog there.

LOL.

This is a joke, right?

At a stretch, I could see a higher tendency in P-dom, but any P-dom, including Pi-dom (pretty sure all of my stalkers were IxxJs). It's often a perception issue with people like this (they genuinely cannot "see" that you don't want them), and P-dom are more driven by perception.

Yes, an on-going forum joke.

But I can totally see your theory about P doms in general perceiving things a certain way.