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[Fe] Cutting people out

FunnyDigestion

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So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash. I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.

Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?
 

Elfboy

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So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash. I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.

Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?

yes, it was easy. he turned into a coercive, insecure, aggressive, hostile douche bag, so I just never talked to him again.
that being said, I don't really connect with people at all until I can judge their character enough to prove they are worthy of my trust and affections (I'm really not even close to most of my family members. most of them haven't met my criteria for friendship/intimacy) sorry, this post probably was not very encouraging
anyway, good luck
:hug: :hug: :hug:
 
A

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So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash.
Foolish pride. You love him. Confess.

I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.
Hahaha! I wish I had a brother. -sighs-
blackeye.gif


Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?
I have never cut family out of my life. I couldn't stay mad, even if I wanted to.

This might feel cheesy & forced, but the results are amazing. Do in person with confident tone...
"I love you dammit. I hate myself for letting things escalate; I didn't want to hear the repugnant shit you said; I just wanted to help; I should have sucked it up or walked away instead of taking out my frustrations on you. Dammit, I'm sorry."

This has worked for me. :gleam:
 

skylights

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i have to agree with nerd girl, he is your brother. family, however repulsive, i feel like deserves secondary consideration. if only because they are your skeletal support system in this world - though i have been fortunate to have a very supportive nuclear family, and have never experienced an unsupportive one.

anyway - yes. 1 person. i never thought i would, but she was an old friend who, one day, invited me out with her and proceeded to speak condescendingly to me the whole time, "instructing" me on "her" world (she was a recently out bisexual - and incorrectly assumed my orientation to be hetero), spending almost the entire 3 hours monologuing (not for any lack of attempts to interact on my part) and finishing the day with insulting my chosen path and my friends. when i said to her that i felt attacked, she said she was sorry i felt that way - she took no responsibility whatsoever for her part in the exchange. to me, this was so uncalled for and irresponsible on her part that i simply have never had any desire to interact with her since.

it has not been hard at all, but then, there are no other ties that bind us.
 

Lark

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Sorry to hear about this man, I've experienced similar things myself. I always think that I carry more guilt than my siblings afterwards and for longer. Despite the fact that they possess poorer anger management or even mood management skills and are aware of it, so are often the instigators or escalators of confrontations themselves.

I've not been able to cut anyone out and dont think I would benefit by it, it can fit, unfortunately with the highly melodramatic symbolic interaction people can be aiming at too, so they could anticipate or want a dramatic fall out in order to have an equally dramatic make up and reconciliation. I hate this sort of shit and see it all the time in a lot of different contexts, I find it so vexatious to the spirit because I'm not some Neo like messianic figure, if I can look upon the situation almost from the third person perspective like "seeing the matrix" I cant understand why others cant also and skip all the highly ritualised role taking and performances. So be wary. Cutting them out may just be the second act, all the world is a stage sometimes to some people.

I'd think about how best to look after yourself, space could be what you need to get back to your baseline functioning, detox emotionally and perform your own emotional first aid. Leave decisions about what happens next between you and that person until afterwards if you can.
 

sculpting

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Give it a month, then evaluate your emotions after letting the strong passions pass. People suck and they will never meet the ideals you hold for them. In the midts of anger and rage they will say hateful, harmful things or nasty things-oftent later they regret their actions.

Judge him based upon his historical character, not simply the one event.

If he is a source of constant drama and disruption and constantly hurts those around him, then detach but do so without passion. Make sure the choice was made weighing the future consequences of the detachement. Also, dont make a big scene -just cut him out and avoid him. Even if you have to be in the same room with him-treat him with emotional detachement and just let his actions roll off of you.
 

FunnyDigestion

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Foolish pride.

Maybe, but I feel there are lines you don't cross, & he crossed one. I do love him but i think this is the only reasonable response. It sucks, we've had a lot of good times together & I can feel my fondness for him draining away now. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere though, i'd been feeling that our times of having fun were in the past anyway.

I like the black eye icon, mine's swollen shut a bit though. :doh:

"I love you dammit. I hate myself for letting things escalate; I didn't want to hear the repugnant shit you said; I just wanted to help; I should have sucked it up or walked away instead of taking out my frustrations on you. Dammit, I'm sorry."

I'm not sorry though, lol. He actually escalated it to fisticuffs, I was just wrestling him to the ground. Dude actually tried to kick me in the stomach, wtf.
 

Qlip

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There are people in life that consistently make your life worse... sometimes you have to cut them out, even if they are family. I can't make a judgement on your situation, whether it's something that's reconcilable or not.
 

FunnyDigestion

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Alright, he's apologizing now.. I feel a bit bad. I guess I'll play it by ear, thanks for the advice everyone.
 

Kyrielle

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Alright, he's apologizing now.. I feel a bit bad. I guess I'll play it by ear, thanks for the advice everyone.

That's probably for the best. :) Part of the sibling relationship structure is the ability to give and take a lot of punishment and forgiveness.

My younger brother (same age as yours, actually) would have to do nothing short of attempt to blow up where I live, try to kill me, or try to kill my parents (or something else equally, personally disastrous) in order for me to actually shut him out. And even then, I would want to know what was wrong with him first. While we don't talk as much as we used to, it's still understood that we are supposed to be there for each other in times of crisis, and he was there for me when I hit the bottom. So, it would be very uncouth of me to fail to appear when he needed me.

Anyway, I did cut my grandmother out of my life when she was so mentally ill I couldn't withstand her constant onslaught of guilt trips. I loved her, and I wanted to visit her, but every time I did, she'd make me feel like crap the entire time! So, I quit visiting her and did not go home to see her when she was dying (actually dying, she had given out her "death throes" before when she wasn't even on death's doorstep). Was it hard? A little. I felt bad for losing her since she was, you know, my grandma. And I ended up making some enemies out of people I knew from childhood.
 

Crescent Fresh

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Give it a month, then evaluate your emotions after letting the strong passions pass. People suck and they will never meet the ideals you hold for them. In the midts of anger and rage they will say hateful, harmful things or nasty things-oftent later they regret their actions.

Judge him based upon his historical character, not simply the one event.

If he is a source of constant drama and disruption and constantly hurts those around him, then detach but do so without passion. Make sure the choice was made weighing the future consequences of the detachement. Also, dont make a big scene -just cut him out and avoid him. Even if you have to be in the same room with him-treat him with emotional detachement and just let his actions roll off of you.

+10

^^ I agree with everything Orobas mentioned.

But really, no matter what, I think cutting out your sibling is not the greatest idea. Just try to give each other some time and space and try to re-patch things when both of you are ready.

Since I'm an only child, I've always hope that I had a sibling. I also thought having another person who share most of your family history is valuable even though they may not share the same perspective on certain issues. I think it helps you to learn from a different perspective by sharing and learning from a sibling if both manage to respect each other.
 

FunnyDigestion

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Since I'm an only child, I've always hope that I had a sibling. I also thought having another person who share most of your family history is valuable even though they may not share the same perspective on certain issues. I think it helps you to learn from a different perspective by sharing and learning from a sibling if both manage to respect each other.

Are you idealizing it a bit? Heh maybe not. But we've never had any connection like that, we've never shared or bonded & if you had to give our relation an objective description it'd be a tag like "casual friends." My other brother & my sister, we've talked & had real conversations. That's a vague term but at the very minimum I think it means "sharing thing other than gross jokes & movie quotations."

I'm still extremely pissed about it, & I might not ever be able to think of him the same way. He was drunk but that's not an acceptable excuse to me, it begs the question of, well, why were you drunk? lol. If that's how you'll act.

I have a friend who was engaged to marry a woman only to break up with her the day of finding out she cheated on him. Different situation but he told me that the moment she told him, his feelings were instantly gone, they disappeared as he sat there looking at her. & he wouldn't have thought that was possible.
 

SilkRoad

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I haven't cut out any family members and it would be difficult (impossible?) to imagine cutting out my parents or brother. I can hardly imagine what terrible thing would have to take place before I'd do that. I suppose I could cut out a more distant family member but then, most of them are hardly "in". (Not that I have bad relationships with any of them, not in the slightest; the ones I know are all really nice people but the majority are a bit more like acquaintances/distant acquaintances.)

I have cut out a few people, just a few. Those who caused me too much emotional pain; or repeatedly let me down; or some combination thereof and I just couldn't see any constructive and healthy point to trying to keep them in my lives. It's tended to be very gradual. I didn't wake up one morning and go "I must cut them out." With the last person I did that with (there have been perhaps four in my life) I thought for some time that we might still have a friendship. It gradually just seemed more and more unlikely, awkward, and unfeasible given the circumstances and my feelings. By now (about a year after doing it) I have no desire to have him back in my life, and I can see him clearly enough to no longer like or respect him, so wouldn't see the point. Once I get past hurt feelings and so forth, it's not normally something I'd regret and I don't miss the person. But it would take me a long time to get to the stage of not hurting or missing them at all.
 
A

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Maybe, but I feel there are lines you don't cross, & he crossed one. I do love him but i think this is the only reasonable response. It sucks, we've had a lot of good times together & I can feel my fondness for him draining away now. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere though, i'd been feeling that our times of having fun were in the past anyway.

I like the black eye icon, mine's swollen shut a bit though. :doh:
I'm glad you liked it. :D

I'm not sorry though, lol. He actually escalated it to fisticuffs, I was just wrestling him to the ground. Dude actually tried to kick me in the stomach, wtf.
Fisticuffs, wow, ouch.

Alright, he's apologizing now.. I feel a bit bad. I guess I'll play it by ear, thanks for the advice everyone.
:yays:
 

Rail Tracer

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That is what siblings are for. :)

If anyone that I know who were willing to cross the line, it would be my own siblings.

But at the same token, they are also the first ones to help me out when I ask for it.

I hate them, but I also love them. You won't get such a relationship with other people. :D
 
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