[Fi] Why does Fi make me do the things I do?!

[2XtremeENFP]

Man, having Fi can be hard sometimes. It can cause me to blurt out things I wanted to keep inside. It can make me speak words that I would have rather chose carefully. Sometimes, it is understanding and can show compassion, and other times, it expects more of people. It wants to see the idealistic version of what it thinks people should be.

Why do some situations allow me to show love and support even if people do things that make me cringe because my whole being disagrees with it?

Why do some situations cause a burning in my stomach until I blurt out what they are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong and only harming to themselves and others?

Why can I be understanding of people yet demand that they do things a certain way?

I am so frustrated and annoyed by myself for who I am/become when I do these things.

EDIT: It's like, I feel like people's choices affect me, even when it has nothing to do with me. It's like I feel like the world is around me, and I want to change it. I want to improve it. I take responsibility for people's feelings and I want the best for them, when frankly, it's non of my business... but I CAN'T LET GO. It's like my soul takes it personal, like I'm doing something wrong as a friend if they do these things, like I have no impact...

 

[Elisius]

There's no problem with speaking your mind to people so long as your criticism is constructive.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

There's no problem with speaking your mind to people so long as your criticism is constructive.

What if it is constructive yet the person refuses to believe it?

 

[Elisius]

What if it is constructive yet the person refuses to believe it?

That's their problem, not yours. You can only speak your piece and move on, and hope you've made some positive impact. Yes, some people are frustrating and stubborn, and people you have to deal with regularly you generally want to devote a bit more energy to changing the behavior of, especially when it directly affects you, but for just the general public, be as kind and guiding as you can be without being intrusive, and don't stress over it.
We all have our flaws, even you do, most don't matter in the grand scheme of things so don't warrant any attention.

 

[Tallulah]

I think you just have to accept the fact that others are going to make their own decisions--even if you feel they're wrong. There's nothing wrong with offering an opinion to a close friend. But you can't bear the weight of everyone else's morality.

TBH, sometimes heavy-Fi friends have rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like their "help" is more about them assuaging their conscience than being a good friend to me.

 

[OrangeAppled]

It's interesting how Fi-aux can be so unrecognizable to me at times....

 

[Hate]

It's interesting how Fi-aux can be so unrecognizable to me at times....

Could you elaborate on this?

 

[skylights]

Why do some situations allow me to show love and support even if people do things that make me cringe because my whole being disagrees with it?

Why do some situations cause a burning in my stomach until I blurt out what they are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong and only harming to themselves and others?

Why can I be understanding of people yet demand that they do things a certain way?

[...]

EDIT: It's like, I feel like people's choices affect me, even when it has nothing to do with me. It's like I feel like the world is around me, and I want to change it. I want to improve it. I take responsibility for people's feelings and I want the best for them, when frankly, it's non of my business... but I CAN'T LET GO. It's like my soul takes it personal, like I'm doing something wrong as a friend if they do these things, like I have no impact...

curse of extraverted intuition and introverted feeling. i feel you on this too. we see the world as fundamentally part of ourselves and ourselves as fundamentally part of the world. there is no letting go because we are bound to others by time and place and energy and ripples of aftereffect. people's choices influence everyone. i am sure there is someone out there who would be horrified to think about our thoughts and actions belonging to others, but every action we take - every thought we think - has those ripples of effect in the universe. and as such our thoughts and actions do not belong entirely to us. this is not a misconception that you are feeling, but a fundamental truth. others choose not to see it this way for the sake of "free agency" and "independence", but those are illusions when you look at the world from our angle.

as for dealing with it in the real world... i feel like i generally have two options, which are to speak my mind and satisfy my conscience, or to hold my tongue and watch as the universe takes care of the problem. i think the Fi process exists for a reason, which is to keep us internally consistent in terms of our values and how we live, but i've also mellowed out over time because speaking up can get me into trouble - my ENFJ friend in particular has taught me that sometimes waiting things out is wiser than intervening immediately, because the world - call it karma - tends to rebalance itself eventually. so i think given every situation, there is a decision to be made regarding these two options. sometimes it's more clear that to speak up would sacrifice too much from your endgoals - for example, telling off a rude person at work, because you could lose your job - but then sometimes it's such an assault to personal dignity that you must speak up to be able to live with yourself.

perhaps that could help you in your situations, too. it also helps me to remember that sometimes you just have to let people bumble along the road of self-development, even if they're a bit stupid along the way. trust that the universe will eventually balance them, and it becomes easier to watch instead of intervene.

I think you just have to accept the fact that others are going to make their own decisions--even if you feel they're wrong. There's nothing wrong with offering an opinion to a close friend. But you can't bear the weight of everyone else's morality.

TBH, sometimes heavy-Fi friends have rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like their "help" is more about them assuaging their conscience than being a good friend to me.

always a problem with F. Fe can feel like that too sometimes. has you wondering if the person is doing it to genuinely help you or because they need to lower their perceived level of cognitive dissonance.

but at the same time, T is fundamentally the same - doing things logically is really just a personal need, not a universal necessity. we all are biased due to our personal paradigms. i think we have to try to open our minds to other ways of thinking as much as possible but beyond that just cut one another slack for our biases, because we'll never escape them completely, at least not in this world.

 

[sculpting]

EDIT: It's like, I feel like people's choices affect me, even when it has nothing to do with me. It's like I feel like the world is around me, and I want to change it. I want to improve it. I take responsibility for people's feelings and I want the best for them, when frankly, it's non of my business... but I CAN'T LET GO. It's like my soul takes it personal, like I'm doing something wrong as a friend if they do these things, like I have no impact...

I recognize all the stuff you describe in myself-I often just "choke on it" and move on, and it can make me kinda bitter.

I think the reason we cant let go is that we feel like we are connected to the souls of everyone around us. When folks say Fi is about the individual, I just am astounded as it is so very wrong. It is about the hurts, the sadness, the pain, the wrongs committed against all of those around us-I cant tune that incoming signal out. I have a very hard time ignoring that reflected, connected hurt that echos back to me, from people I have never even met. Spiritually, it feels like the world contains one soul and we all are connected to peices of that soul, or simply small reflections of it. How in the world could hurting one peice, not ripple across and hurt everyone??? I recognize this is cognitively a combo of building an internal model/Si landscape of the world, based upon the every present possibilities that Ne feeds me-but I still cant ignore it.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Could you elaborate on this?

It just sounds so much more "external" & turned towards others.

 

[CzeCze]

TBH, sometimes heavy-Fi friends have rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like their "help" is more about them assuaging their conscience than being a good friend to me.

Ha! True. I have learned a lot about Fi watching non F people using it. It can come off as 'this is what you are SUPPOSED to do, because that's what I know is the right thing to do and to do differently is just morally wrong'.

Some of my friends tell me I have a 'lecture face' and I lecture people like, "Sigh, this is a pain for me to have to do this, but for your own good, let me tell you how it is". Hahaha. But only 2 friends have told me this. My INTP friend said she's seen me use this face (on said 2 friends), but never on her.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Ha! True. I have learned a lot about Fi watching non F people using it. It can come off as 'this is what you are SUPPOSED to do, because that's what I know is the right thing to do and to do differently is just morally wrong'.

Some of my friends tell me I have a 'lecture face' and I lecture people like, "Sigh, this is a pain for me to have to do this, but for your own good, let me tell you how it is". Hahaha. But only 2 friends have told me this. My INTP friend said she's seen me use this face (on said 2 friends), but never on her.

That's funny! I know that I can get into "lecture" mode, and it's almost like I blackout and just start ranting and I can see that the person either doesn't care what I have to say, or get mad because I am speaking truth they need to hear. Yet, I can't stop the burning feeling to let it escape. If I hold it in, I feel like I am doing something wrong!

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I think you just have to accept the fact that others are going to make their own decisions--even if you feel they're wrong. There's nothing wrong with offering an opinion to a close friend. But you can't bear the weight of everyone else's morality.

TBH, sometimes heavy-Fi friends have rubbed me the wrong way because I feel like their "help" is more about them assuaging their conscience than being a good friend to me.

I appreciate this, I like hearing from people who don't use Fi so I can see how to make myself more effective and learn how to tame myself better. I have learned that with people who aren't that close to me, I can choose my words more carefully because I know they will be judging me, along with my message. It's with my close friends, where I feel comfortable to call them out and hold them accountable, it's like I want to help them before something happens that can ruin their potential, ya know?

Some of my friends have no one speaking truth to them, and I feel responsible.

What I bolded made me think deep, I know what I am doing is out of being a good friend, giving advice and support and guidance, how can I make sure they see it this way? How can I tell if they don't and think I'm being all "better than you" because I really fear that...

 

[Forever_Jung]

This is not how I experience Fi at all. I would say Fi creates problems for me in that some people interpret my actions as some combination of: snobbery, self-absorption, stubbornness, blind irrationality, etc.

My Fi usually minds its own business, and doesn't worry about making people see the light. If I want people to behave a certain way, I lead by example and try to embody my ideals. If such a lifestyle appeals to other people, they're welcome to join me. Either way, I'm doing my own thing. If my thing clashes with collective values, so much the worse for collective values. I am not attacking them, merely not observing them.

 

[CzeCze]

I think enneatype comes into play and how much Te you have? Apparently from reading the forum Te can rub people the wrong way, too.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

[MENTION=7040]Forever_Jung[/MENTION] I think Fi can work definitely based on what we value. Perhaps it's because I am extraverted, but I value people and helping them "see the light". I feel like it's my calling in a way. I am in no way saying I am perfect or anything, but if I see a choice, or a pattern, and it isn't working for that person, I can't sit by and watch it crumble beneath them.

I definitely lead by example as well, since I can't be voicing one thing, and then doing the opposite.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I think enneatype comes into play and how much Te you have? Apparently from reading the forum Te can rub people the wrong way, too.

In what ways?

I'm not sure what enneagram I am, I think i've tested 3w4, I'm pretty extreme in my preferences, so I'm not sure how strong my Te is, but I do know that when I take the functions test, sometimes I rank higher with Ti than Te

 

[Forever_Jung]

[MENTION=7040]Forever_Jung[/MENTION] I think Fi can work definitely based on what we value. Perhaps it's because I am extraverted, but I value people and helping them "see the light". I feel like it's my calling in a way. I am in no way saying I am perfect or anything, but if I see a choice, or a pattern, and it isn't working for that person, I can't sit by and watch it crumble beneath them.

I definitely lead by example as well, since I can't be voicing one thing, and then doing the opposite.

I'm sorry, my post came out wrong. The whole "Well MY Fi minds its own business" sounds a bit snarky.

I was actually just trying to say that what you are describing is not everyone's Fi, but Fi as an ENFP would experience it. Maybe, the external focus of your Fi is closely related to the prominent Ne-Te axis that ENFP's have. Ne wants to spread the news, advocate the message. Fi is very idealistic and uncompromising, and the immature tert. Te is kind of bossy and blunt when it rises to the surface?

 

[2XtremeENFP]

I'm sorry, my post came out wrong. The whole "Well MY Fi minds its own business" sounds a bit snarky.

I was actually just trying to say that what you are describing is not isolated everyone's Fi, but Fi as an ENFP would experience it. Maybe, the external focus of your Fi is closely related to the prominent Ne-Te axis that ENFP's have. Ne wants to spread the news, advocate the message. Fi is very idealistic and uncompromising, and the immature tert. Te is kind of bossy and blunt when it rises to the surface?

No worries, I got ya

And Thank you for this post! this makes a lot of sense!

 

[skylights]

Maybe, the external focus of your Fi is closely related to the prominent Ne-Te axis that ENFP's have. Ne wants to spread the news, advocate the message. Fi is very idealistic and uncompromising, and the immature tert. Te is kind of bossy and blunt when it rises to the surface?

i think you are right about the axis. though, the way i experience it, Ne is less about spreading news/advocating (that would be Te, perhaps) and more about being painfully aware of interconnection. it just doesn't make sense from a NeFi point of view to sit around and let the world crumble, because you know it's affecting everyone. hurting the world soul, as orobas beautifully put it.