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[ENFP] Let me count the ways...(Explaining your love to an ENFP)

Priori

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Once upon a time I fell madly in love with an ENFP. One day she asked me just why I was so madly in love with her. She’s had A LOT of men fall in love with her, and she told me that none of them have been able explain to her why. So…I opened my mouth to sing her many praises, and explain why she alone was worthy of such a deep love… whatever it was I said I know it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear. The love was there. The reasons she deserved that love was there. The words weren’t there.

While the relationship is long over, I still feel like I should have been able to explain my feeling the way she needed to hear them.

The ENPF issues thread suggested that having the reasons for loving them explained is important to ENPFs ( I knew it was to her) and that I’m not the only one who couldn’t adequately explain it to my ENFP .

So I’d to ask any ENFPs…what should I have said? Have you ever had someone explain why they love you that made you feel really special? How would you explain your reasons for loving whoever it is that you love?
 

Starry

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Once upon a time I fell madly in love with an ENFP. One day she asked me just why I was so madly in love with her. She’s had A LOT of men fall in love with her, and she told me that none of them have been able explain to her why. So…I opened my mouth to sing her many praises, and explain why she alone was worthy of such a deep love… whatever it was I said I know it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear. The love was there. The reasons she deserved that love was there. The words weren’t there.

While the relationship is long over, I still feel like I should have been able to explain my feeling the way she needed to hear them.

The ENPF issues thread suggested that having the reasons for loving them explained is important to ENPFs ( I knew it was to her) and that I’m not the only one who couldn’t adequately explain it to my ENFP .

So I’d to ask any ENFPs…what should I have said? Have you ever had someone explain why they love you that made you feel really special? How would you explain your reasons for loving whoever it is that you love?

Hello Johnny...

I just woke-up and stumbled across your thread here. And idk...I just felt compelled to say that if listening to a loved one 'fire-off a long and heartwarming list of all the reasons they love me' is something that is important to ENFPs...than this is the first I'm hearing of it. I'm not saying this isn't generally true. I haven't read the ENFP Common Issues thread in its entirety as I don't read much of anything in its entirety haha (feel free to attach some quotes as this would be interesting to me). But it surely isn't 'true' for me. In fact...listening to someone do that would make me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. Hearing a kind word here and there...great. But listening to someone go on and on...yah no thanks. For me...a hug can say all of that and then some. Just being with me. Listening to all my crazy ideas. And so what comes to mind is 'love languages' (if you are familiar with those). What do they call it...'words of affirmation'. No maybe not - I can't remember. All I'm saying is that this may have more to do with 'love language' than ENFP (other ENFPs will come on here and set me straight if I'm wrong).
 

Starry

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Another thing that comes to mind...is that for ENFPs...especially in their younger days (for me - this ship has sailed haha!)...they can attract a lot of attention from people that appear to be interested in them romantically...that claim to love them...but there is this sense that you are still somehow 'merely a concept'. And that it won't be an equal partnership...but rather you will have to 'do' for them. Like constantly entertaining them...making their lives exciting...'saving them' from some sort of existence (?). Maybe she was trying to test you there. Trying to see where you fell...
 

Priori

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Starry,

Thank you for the insight. She used to get pretty embarrassed at direct compliments; she wasn’t asking me to try to flatter her. She genuinely wanted to know why.

She was in her late thirties back then, but she’s always had plenty of male attention. Perhaps the reason this fleeting moment stuck with me over the years is partly because I sensed it was a test but also because I want to help her understand why so many men are enchanted by her.
Oddly enough she was the one who introduced me to the five love languages. Physical touch was hers.
 

Starry

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Starry,

Thank you for the insight. She used to get pretty embarrassed at direct compliments; she wasn’t asking me to try to flatter her. She genuinely wanted to know why.

She was in her late thirties back then, but she’s always had plenty of male attention. Perhaps the reason this fleeting moment stuck with me over the years is partly because I sensed it was a test but also because I want to help her understand why so many men are enchanted by her.
Oddly enough she was the one who introduced me to the five love languages. Physical touch was hers.

Still getting plenty of male attention in her late thirties? - NO FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (man I've got to get in shape again and get back out there haha!).

Yah...I hadn't had enough coffee yet when I first replied...but something 'clicked' during my second cup with regards to it seeming like some sort of 'test'. And I'm sorry that for you the 'right words' didn't come.

I thought about it...and I can honestly say that I have never put a romantic interest/partner in that position. And can't think of anything specifically that I would want to hear other than...'I just love you...Hey? wanna go try out that new Thai place down the street?' And so I can't say that I can be very helpful with regards to the OP. But like I said earlier...other ENFPs will come here and make their comments.
 

Priori

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I’m always appreciative of wisdom from an ENF. Caffeine augmented or not :D
 

Starry

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I’m always appreciative of wisdom from an ENF. Caffeine augmented or not :D

Hey I like you! And so I'll be bold and call some lovely ENFPs to share their wisdom with you...
[MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION] [MENTION=6166]Orobas[/MENTION] [MENTION=5418]Lady X[/MENTION] [MENTION=8904]Esoteric Wench[/MENTION] (I think EW is even online right now).
 

Meaning

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Read and recite, my friend.

Watch how INFJs communicate with ENFPs and do the same.

Also, based on my experience (and for your future reference) it seems to work better when ENFPs grow interested in you and then go through that period of being afraid of getting their feelings hurt. They are then full of "love," and you'll not have to worry about such things.
 

Priori

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Hmm. I'm not really looking at how to learn to wax poetic and woe an ENFP. I guess I need to articulate my point a little more clearly. Knowing how to entice and excite her was never a problem. :devil:

My question to the ENFPs of the forum would be, have you had someone explain their reason (flowery iambic pentameter or otherwise) for loving you in a way that really touched you? If your current SO asked your reasons for loving them, how would you reply?
 

WhimsyGirl

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um, i think something corny, but genuine, preferably using the word "magic." i like to make someone feel like they're in a different world, even wen they are doing something mundane, and to show them a good time basically. and the person needs to show/tell that they CARE about me. period. but idk if that's right to dump u over not being able to verbalize love. somethings are just felt :)
 

WhimsyGirl

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btw, OBSESSED WITH UR AVATAR, LOVE JAMES DEAN. just puttin that out there :)
 

Priori

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btw, OBSESSED WITH UR AVATAR, LOVE JAMES DEAN. just puttin that out there :)

Thanks :)

um, i think something corny, but genuine, preferably using the word "magic." i like to make someone feel like they're in a different world, even wen they are doing something mundane, and to show them a good time basically. and the person needs to show/tell that they CARE about me. period. but idk if that's right to dump u over not being able to verbalize love. somethings are just felt :)


Oh, no she didn't dump me over it. We were together for about a year and a half after that and are still good if distant friends. It ended because of outside circumstances and not because we made each other anything but incredibly happy. I dropped in on her unannounced about seven months ago and the spark definitely still there.
 

WhimsyGirl

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ahh ok :) that sounds more like it lol. have u been closer since u saw her then?
 

skylights

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Once upon a time I fell madly in love with an ENFP. One day she asked me just why I was so madly in love with her. She’s had A LOT of men fall in love with her, and she told me that none of them have been able explain to her why. So…I opened my mouth to sing her many praises, and explain why she alone was worthy of such a deep love… whatever it was I said I know it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear. The love was there. The reasons she deserved that love was there. The words weren’t there.

While the relationship is long over, I still feel like I should have been able to explain my feeling the way she needed to hear them.

The ENPF issues thread suggested that having the reasons for loving them explained is important to ENPFs ( I knew it was to her) and that I’m not the only one who couldn’t adequately explain it to my ENFP .

So I’d to ask any ENFPs…what should I have said? Have you ever had someone explain why they love you that made you feel really special? How would you explain your reasons for loving whoever it is that you love?

Hmm. I'm not really looking at how to learn to wax poetic and woe an ENFP. I guess I need to articulate my point a little more clearly. Knowing how to entice and excite her was never a problem. :devil:

My question to the ENFPs of the forum would be, have you had someone explain their reason (flowery iambic pentameter or otherwise) for loving you in a way that really touched you? If your current SO asked your reasons for loving them, how would you reply?

um, i think something corny, but genuine, preferably using the word "magic." i like to make someone feel like they're in a different world, even wen they are doing something mundane, and to show them a good time basically.

:yes:

well, to me, i think there are two totally different levels of this question.

on one level, there's "why do you love me", as in what are the reasons i am more significant to you than anyone else?/ what draws you to me? and that is more a logical question in my mind, honestly. i have asked this of my SO before, because i was genuinely curious what about me made him tick. it's interesting to hear your qualities in another person's eyes. and important to understanding the relationship. it's sort of a question that gives you a grounding for psychologically understanding what's going on between you that's making the interactions work.

and then there's the second, more esoteric level of the question, which is what i expect you were trying to answer. the other day my own SO looked me in the eyes and asked me "why do you love me" - and i could tell he didn't mean reasons, he meant The Reason - and i just stared at him like o___o for a minute before even being able to begin to articulate my answer. so don't worry... ENFPs run into this problem too!

i second whimsygirl on the use of the word "magic" - what i want to hear is that there is something special between us, something that transcends time and place and the mundaneness of the world, some kind of mutual fire that lights up our souls and binds us to one another.
 

Esoteric Wench

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Hey I like you! And so I'll be bold and call some lovely ENFPs to share their wisdom with you...
[MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION] [MENTION=6166]Orobas[/MENTION] [MENTION=5418]Lady X[/MENTION] [MENTION=8904]Esoteric Wench[/MENTION] (I think EW is even online right now).

Me catch up on thread now. More soon.
 

sculpting

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Hmm. I'm not really looking at how to learn to wax poetic and woe an ENFP. I guess I need to articulate my point a little more clearly. Knowing how to entice and excite her was never a problem. :devil:

My question to the ENFPs of the forum would be, have you had someone explain their reason (flowery iambic pentameter or otherwise) for loving you in a way that really touched you? If your current SO asked your reasons for loving them, how would you reply?[/QUOTE]

My answer would be "because". It assumes so much goes unspoken.

Sometimes my SO does tell me he loves me for certain things...

Then this weird thing happens. I take what he said, then I compare it to my own self-understanding. If the two are not exact matches, then I get sort of angsty..."he doesnt REALLY understand me...if he did he would have said THIS instead..." This is actually my projection of my FiSi and a weird (rather dumb) assumption that he should be able to see it if we were really emotionally connected-which is rather ridiculous. So maybe you ran aground of something like tis with your enfp...

Note the "because" answer avoids the entire issue as it leaves open the potential of lots of projection upon one another...
 

Poki

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From my experience with ENFPs the dialect of that love language is wrong. Honestly that sounds more ENFJ. With ENFP its all about 2 things...catching them off guard and "truth". Its the little things that go along way and it is in regard to what you think about them. If you cant handle the truth you will fall flat on your butt.

Because of there temperment they are looked down on alot...which is one reason why I think they have a love language of words and why "truth" is so important. The ones who arent in that position may have a different love language...its just most ENFPs I know come across as "dingy". And before people get there panties in a wad...I said "come across"...not that they actually are dingy.



Also to the topic...that still doesnt sound right as it sounds like she is looking for specific things...maybe the things she does to try to be loved. I never was good with lists of any type. Hell, 90% of the women I meet I couldnt even tell you what there eye color was. The only ones I can are when there eyes are a feature that really stands out, but being Se I am not interested in detail...its the overall impression that catches my eye.
 

skylights

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afterthought: somehow it seems like love doesn't need a reason, it just happens. and that's part of the magic. somehow pinpointing anything seems to make it seem less extraordinary.
 

sculpting

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Johnny, after a bit more thought, another apsect came to mind. Earlier to your question regarding telling my SO why I loved him, I answered "because". I then described how that allowed a lot of projection, thus was a more simple answer than trying to list the reasons.

However my asnwer was not quite precise enough. Fi is really complex and hard to talk about. I pulled this quote from Southern Cross from another thread. Her decsription was better than mine:

I also very much understand what you're getting at in the second scenario. Emotions are so complex and my sense of them is so difficult to define. My understanding of them is raw and intuitive; it's like an obscure native language that has to be translated into English but there is little equivalency in the grammar, sentence structure, imagery, or diction between the 2 languages. I have to think it through and plan it out before I can give a translation that is both coherent and genuinely reflects the original content. Even then, the best I can do is give a vague approximation to the original. To me, any fluency in describing emotion is impossible without diluting and simplifying the content to extraordinary lengths; and doing so is pointless because it ends up being overly reductive and too far from the truth. This makes me more inclined to saying nothing, rather than deal in a lesser truth. I'd hate to think that people would see that as emotional immaturity.

To simply say "because" is actually an admission of defeat on my part. It is an admission that the other person is so complex, so multifacted, so complex, that, although I can see some aspects of them, I cant actually reduce that complexity of them into anything more than simply THEM. I cant capture it in words, as any attempt would only be partial and lacking.

Perhaps consider that you will communicateemotionally with Fe-which is very tolerant in its communication of some amount of error or generality in expression. However think about the parallel question to your "why do you love me?" in thinker/Ti land: "What do you think of my ability to think?". I suspect if someone answered that question and did so without fully being able to capture the precision and complexity of your internal logical systems, you might feel slighted? (This is a suggestion, not statement-I am uncertain, but it seems possible....)
 

Poki

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Johnny, after a bit more thought, another apsect came to mind. Earlier to your question regarding telling my SO why I loved him, I answered "because". I then described how that allowed a lot of projection, thus was a more simple answer than trying to list the reasons.

However my asnwer was not quite precise enough. Fi is really complex and hard to talk about. I pulled this quote from Southern Cross from another thread. Her decsription was better than mine:



To simply say "because" is actually an admission of defeat on my part. It is an admission that the other person is so complex, so multifacted, so complex, that, although I can see some aspects of them, I cant actually reduce that complexity of them into anything more than simply THEM. I cant capture it in words, as any attempt would only be partial and lacking.

Perhaps consider that you will communicateemotionally with Fe-which is very tolerant in its communication of some amount of error or generality in expression. However think about the parallel question to your "why do you love me?" in thinker/Ti land: "What do you think of my ability to think?". I suspect if someone answered that question and did so without fully being able to capture the precision and complexity of your internal logical systems, you might feel slighted? (This is a suggestion, not statement-I am uncertain, but it seems possible....)

Inferior Si FTW :D
 
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