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[NF] Hate compliments?

Amargith

Hotel California
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Nov 5, 2008
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Not when they're afterwards being used against you...

I agree with some of the others here. I love sincere compliments, but I dunno how to react to them very well, because I've had (insincere) compliments used against me. Made me paranoid..
 

Siegfried

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Aug 21, 2008
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The past can definantly effect our future behaviour. I try to accept compliments, its for the other person's mind to worry if it was sincere or not.

I also find it bad when people compliment others, it is not believed, but if people put down others its taken seriously, of course the other way round isn't good either. It's a lot down to self image and how cynical one is about people in general, person in particular or themselves, also down to confirmation bias, how you wish to see that person. As with all things, balance is healthy. This is something I say to myself aswell.
 

Salomé

meh
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Yeh same. I'm a sucker for feedback; good or bad.

Complements are great when they are honest and sincere. When they are said to be nice they are also okay, because the intention counts. When they are said to take advantage of me, how I take them depends on whether I am attracted to you ;).

Isn't a compliment always a positive?

Hmmm. So it's ok to take advantage of you as long as you are attracted to me? That doesn't seem very healthy.

I hate to be complimented on my appearance - it makes me self-conscious and it makes me think the other person is shallow. And I've never understood why you are supposed to say "thank you" for unsolicited compliments. It irks me. I don't want to hear it but I'm supposed to be grateful anyway? That's illogical. But if you don't say thank you, you feel like a schmuck. If you disagree, you're ungracious. Lose-lose.

Compliments are just opinion, not useful information. A well-considered critique is a different matter.

Mostly, I'd rather have negative feedback than positive - I can learn something. If I can't learn, it's redundant. I don't need approval for its own sake. I am the arbiter of all that is good in my world.
 

Siegfried

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Compliments are just opinion, not useful information. A well-considered critique is a different matter.

A well considered critique is better for when you view compliments and their counterparts, as a form of critical self evaluation definantly, but it depends on the recipient's mindset, will they accept objectively, or only the positive, negative bits. For me it depends on the proportionate context, not everything is about self evaluation. Sometimes you just want to tell the person you appreciate them because you do.
 

Salomé

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A well considered critique is better for when you view compliments and their counterparts, as a form of critical self evaluation definantly, but it depends on the recipient's mindset, will they accept objectively, or only the positive, negative bits. For me it depends on the context, not everything is about self evaluation. Sometimes you just want to tell the person you appreciate them because you do.

Yes but what if the other person doesn't want to hear it? Then it's selfish. Especially if you expect them to be grateful to boot.
 

Siegfried

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Yes but what if the other person doesn't want to hear it? Then it's selfish. Especially if you expect them to be grateful to boot.

In that situation, that is reasonable, there shouldn't be expectation of gratefulness. If the person is accepting, wants to hear them and its more on the light hearted side its acceptable.
 

Banana

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"I appreciate compliments, especially since I'm so curious as to how others perceive me. (Negative comments are welcome as well, so they can sketch out an accurate portrayal.) "

Oh, yes, I agree with this. Compliments and criticisms are communications of what others think of you or what they want you to think they think (hahaha). But a great compliment that you KNOW is off base can be embarrassing. For instance, I manage a team of two, these folks are really resentful of my position and are blatatly disrespectful to me. So I have gone out to my car, cried for a bit to let off steam, come back, cleaned up, only to run into my boss who congratulates me on how well I am handling the situation (yikes).

Compliments from tough customers (TJs, for instance) are treaured mostly because their respect is not easy to earn. And when a dear friend or loved one spontaneously tells you what it is about you that makes you shine (for them), that's pretty great, too.

Also, an INTJ previously posted he does not appreciate compliments about his appearance - this I understand, too. It feels like code for one of three things: "I want to have sex with you", "I think you have high status and now wish to speak with you" (yuck), or sometimes, horribly "I am competitive and jealous". If the motivation is decent, okay, but I would rather these compliments come from my wifey, friends and family, if at all.

One more thought - I generally dislike compliments given in a group directed at a single person, whether it is me or someone else, unless it is done ARTFULLY. Singling a person out in a group, no matter how well intended, places them 'above" others in that moment, and can stir up feelings of inferiority or jealousy. For a team, this is a rotten direction.

There is something almost humilating about singled out by a compliment in a very public situation. I guess it is obvious, too, because at my last job, I was meant to receive a quarterly award of recognition for some projects I'd worked on and apparently a friend of mine was told to stand behind me during the announcement to make sure I didn't bolt (grin). She actually had her hands on my waste (weird), and rightfully so because I jerked toward the door when it happened. Nice recognition (I was grateful), but I would have been soooo much happier had it been done in private.

My father, a VERY strong ESTJ, would never appreciate the above sentiment. The more public recognition, the better for that one! (grin)
 

disregard

mrs
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Apr 23, 2007
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nocapszy, for example, my very curly hair and my eyes give me an angelic appearance, as I'm told, and it sucks, because in my head I am not this angelic, cute, cuddly wuddly girl -- I'm serious and genderless!
 

mlittrell

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Ehrm...



and then...



Sorry, I know I'm being an ass. Can't help it right now, it's like six in the morning on a Saturday.
sorry for this logical inconsistency, i wasn't aware that if i wasn't perfectly logically consistent people wouldn't understand my overall point. ill try to do better next time. what i meant to say but my obvious lack of sentence structure/logic withheld was that im torn between the two.

;)
 

Siegfried

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Aug 21, 2008
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"I appreciate compliments, especially since I'm so curious as to how others perceive me. (Negative comments are welcome as well, so they can sketch out an accurate portrayal.) "

Oh, yes, I agree with this. Compliments and criticisms are communications of what others think of you or what they want you to think they think (hahaha). But a great compliment that you KNOW is off base can be embarrassing. For instance, I manage a team of two, these folks are really resentful of my position and are blatatly disrespectful to me. So I have gone out to my car, cried for a bit to let off steam, come back, cleaned up, only to run into my boss who congratulates me on how well I am handling the situation (yikes).

Compliments from tough customers (TJs, for instance) are treaured mostly because their respect is not easy to earn. And when a dear friend or loved one spontaneously tells you what it is about you that makes you shine (for them), that's pretty great, too.

Also, an INTJ previously posted he does not appreciate compliments about his appearance - this I understand, too. It feels like code for one of three things: "I want to have sex with you", "I think you have high status and now wish to speak with you" (yuck), or sometimes, horribly "I am competitive and jealous". If the motivation is decent, okay, but I would rather these compliments come from my wifey, friends and family, if at all.

One more thought - I generally dislike compliments given in a group directed at a single person, whether it is me or someone else, unless it is done ARTFULLY. Singling a person out in a group, no matter how well intended, places them 'above" others in that moment, and can stir up feelings of inferiority or jealousy. For a team, this is a rotten direction.

There is something almost humilating about singled out by a compliment in a very public situation. I guess it is obvious, too, because at my last job, I was meant to receive a quarterly award of recognition for some projects I'd worked on and apparently a friend of mine was told to stand behind me during the announcement to make sure I didn't bolt (grin). She actually had her hands on my waste (weird), and rightfully so because I jerked toward the door when it happened. Nice recognition (I was grateful), but I would have been soooo much happier had it been done in private.

My father, a VERY strong ESTJ, would never appreciate the above sentiment. The more public recognition, the better for that one! (grin)

You make some valid points. In my case I find myself in the spotlight, quite a lot, which was abit un-nerving for awhile, lol, so maybe I'm de-sensitised to it now. It is really hard to assess properly whats going on the other side from what I can see, especially in rare scenarios, there is only so much intuition can do, but I will take what you say into consideration in the future, definantly.
 

GZA

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I like them when they are sincere but I'm usual not very good at responding to them...

Also, I feel very awkward when someone compliments me highly on something I was very unsure about, especially if it concerns creativity. Not only do I not know how to respond, but I kind of shrink into one of these: :blush:
Then I often deny it, because I'm not nearly as good at whatever I'm being complimented on as they seem to think. That isn't low self esteem talking, it's just true.

It's also awkward being complimented for something you didn't earn or work towards, like appearance.
 

Banana

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see, yes. why is it that you articulated this in a few sentences while my post took 4 or so paragraphs? maybe i am drinking too much coffee..
 

BerberElla

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I hate compliments, because I never believe them. Especially about my looks, I can handle compliments about anything I feel I am good at, but if I doubt myself then I will be completely convinced that you are lying to try and make me feel better, and that pisses me off and frustrates me.

It's like when someone says "you're a good looking woman", I get so angry, really angry at them, because they must be lying, and I don't need anyone to lie to spare my feelings.
 

aufs klo

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Dec 11, 2008
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It's also awkward being complimented for something you didn't earn or work towards, like appearance.

I feel the same way, if I didn't have to work at all, I don't really deserve a compliment.

The thing I really hate is that I need compliments so much, yet cannot deal with recieving them!
 

Tiltyred

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I like compliments delivered in private or in writing, and kept short. It embarrasses me to be complimented in front of other people, especially if they go on and on about something I think is too lame to mention. But other types are very different -- I have a friend who sends advance notice of her hair appointments so we can all know to compliment her on her hair. She's not even getting the style changed, she's just going for her regular highlights and cut. To me, that's like complimenting someone because they brushed their teeth. Regular haircuts are part of normal grooming, not something I want compliments on. On the other hand, I'm getting my hair cut in January by this stylist from New York who is supposedly a specialist with curly hair, and I'm dreading it because I will have to listen to "OH, you CHANGED your HAIR!" at the very least, all day long, and I find it excruciating. I don't like the attention.
 

tibby

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WHen I feel compliment is genuine and honest, I usually respect it, but I ALWAYS feel that the person, no matter how honest and genuine he/she is being, just doesn't know how the thing is really, like they don't see it as it really is, which I do.

Sometimes unexpected compliments (for example at school from a teacher who has evaluated some of my stuff) I can be so bewildered I get very happy and excited for a little while - then I do feel like I've succeeded, but it's only momentary, and goes away almost immediately.

Sense of self is a funny thing.

I guess I also feel that if you're glad about compliments you're being very egoistic - but this is contradictory, cause I enjoy giving people honest "feedback" about themselves and their talents, as I see so much of all of that in them I think it is helpful for them to get that sort of encouragement from an outsider who "really" sees their true talents and worthiness (I appreciate and admire people a lot).
 
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