[INFJ] Infj question, thanks.

[BalanceFind]

My question is how can I communicate with a temporarily unhealthy Infj (enneagram 4w3), who has "dropped" me?

I've recently had to put limits (economically) on an infj. Much to my shock, I was "dropped" by this person. It's essential for a wide variety of reasons (business and personal) that I communicate regularly and effectively with this person and repair any problems. What I mean is I don't have a luxury of time of having this no contact drag out any longer.

This is a good person, that has been going through some stress for a period of time. I've known her 9 years, and I've dated her for the past 4 years. So, this is someone I speak with daily. And, I've never been dropped before by this person in all this time. The current length of no communication time between us is 2 months and counting, and that's never come close to happening before.

Under periods of extreme stress, which aren't that often, but have been lately, her biggest weakness is money. She can exhibit some of the negative traits of the ESTP type. She will impulse buy things beyond her means. And, then she gets herself into a financial pickle that needs cleaning up.

First and foremost I want her to be well and get healthy. Then of course I want to repair our relationship, as I also have faults and I'm an equal participant, but third, I have big commitments and responsibilities to other people professionally and personallythat are being affected by her behavior. I do not have the time to wait any longer for any space, etc...

The immediate previous behavior of her prior to the "dropping," was a walking on egg shell phase, overly perfectionistic and touchy to an extreme. She went through the motions of daily life and obligations, but secretly in her own imagination. Prior to this, she would return to her high functioning, highly productive and independent normal self in the past.

Any advice, tips, thoughts, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks much.

 

[Tiltyred]

I am not positive about what an INFJ 4w3 might need, but I can tell you as an INFJ 4w5 that if I have door-slammed someone but I have to continue to deal with them in some way, I like them to be sparse, factual, and directive in their communication with me. I can imagine appreciating an email with the subject made clear in the subject line, and then a simple directive in the body. In other words, tell me what you want. Then I'll do it. Then I'll go back into myself.

For me, it's extremely hard to stay present under stress, so the more you can keep things in small pieces and one at a time, the easier it is to deal with.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I agree with Tilty. If there’s some information you need or if communication is absolutely vital, then keep it as factual and succinct as possible. If you’ve been ‘dropped’ completely, it’s because there’s something overwhelming about you. Whether that ‘overwhelm’ is actually because of your own behavior or if it’s the product of her own issues/imagination can’t possibly be ascertained by the op, but that doesn’t have much bearing anyway on the fact that it’s why she’s avoiding you. Anything that could possibly be construed as a mixed message will likely go unanswered because it’s too confusing. Keep it as clear, direct and succinct as possible.

 

[BalanceFind]

Thanks for the replies.

The problem is not me. However I am on the receiving end of her current unhealthy state. I'm familiar with Infj's but she has never previously "dropped" me or come close to doing so. It's never been that extreme. The most was pouting for a few days of withdrawn behavior. This is entirely different, 2 months and counting. Zero communication. Vanished into thin air. She and I have important financial and business situations together that affect other people, and us. She does not respond to any communication of any kind. Waiting any longer, or sending an email has long passed.

Her stress is combination of different factors over time. None of which were caused by me. However, I did have to step in as she was behaving like a low functioning ESTP enneagram 7.....by overspending her means. I cut off her large lump sum money supply that she wanted for a project. I did not have a choice and I would not change my choice. The problem is we have many immediate important loose ends that affect a lot of people. She doesn't seem to care.

Her behavior is currently a low 3 on the enneagram, ruthless narcissism. I'm seeking feedback preferably from infj's or those familiar with the "dropping" people behavior of infj's. She is behaving immaturely as if no rules and boundaries apply to her, especially financial.

I don't have any more time to waste. 2 months to most normal people is a very long time when the previous communication is day to day. I'm holding off legal action against her as long as possible. But, I'm running out of time for that.

She is in a fantasy, imagination world, when day to reality needs to be addressed. I need to find a way to get her to get back to reality and to effectively communicate on a regular basis to take care of some important matters.

Any other infj dropping people feedeback is welcomed. This is a permanent dropping of someone, ...me...and, that'd be fine, I'd move on personally, etc...but professionally it is causing a lot of damage to people and I can't let that go.

I was hoping to peacefully find a way to get her to communicate and to act like a responsible adult...and that's why I'm here. Thanks much.

 

[Starry]

I'm curious as to what you have attempted with regards to communication so far...and I'm hoping you wouldn't mind sharing. It may help some. I don't know - but it might.

You see...I was in a similiar situation once. In that I was cut-off by an INFJ that I had a personal & professional relationship with. And while he made it very clear (with complete non-responsiveness) that our personal relationship was over... We still communicated professionally. And let me assure you...'my INFJ' was not the 'picture of mental health' either. But he's INFJ. In other words, INFJs are pretty darn good at setting everything aside in order to get a job done...and I'm almost suprised really that your INFJ isn't doing the same. I'm just trying to think of what's going on. And so I'm starting with the 'what have you done so far' question. And are you her boss? Again...I don't know if this information will prove helpful in helping you...but it might. I'm hoping it might.

 

[Caerulea]

INFJs are pretty darn good at setting everything aside in order to get a job done...and I'm almost suprised really that your INFJ isn't doing the same.

That's pretty much my experience as an INFJ. I can work with anyone and set my feelings aside to get things done (even if I'm grumpy about it when I'm not working). I'm trying to picture myself in her place, and the only thing that would keep me from behaving professionally for such an extended period of time would be a very severe depression.

 

[BalanceFind]

We've dated 4 years, known each other 9 years. Long time, never dropped before.

When she gets super stressed out, she gets impulsive with pampering herself with "nice" things. As long as this is within reason, it isn't a problem and goes away shortly. However that is not the case this time.

She is a "4" enneagram. But right now her "3" wing is the problem. She's functioning as a low "3" ...deep narcissism. Cutting corners, deception, ruthless. This all happened over an extended period of time. But, essentially, she has gotten herself to the point where living comfortably wasn't good enough for her. Her stresses were legit and not her fault. However, her responses to it have been disastrous. She's financially independent, comfortable, etc...but because she has invested into too many projects too quickly, her cash flow has been limited to a more fixed budget temporarily. ....Once she realized that I would not be providing her with any more "large" lump sums of money...she vanished.

When healthy, she is good generous person. She's done a lot and spent a lot on me. She is not inherently a con artist. However, she is temporarily acting like one. Remember, I've known her a long time.

Right now her behavior is ruthless, selfish, low level enneagram 3. But, I know she's a 4 first.

I am very familiar with infj types and 4 types. I'm uncomfortable because there is an urgency to this situation. I don't like rushing or pushing people. But she is completely unaware in my opinion of the damage she is doing.

I've spoken to her once, long distance at the beginning of the 2 months. Remember we speak daily and part of our relationship is long periods together with long periods apart. But we always speak daily, skype, phone, email, I know she was upset, but she was irrationally upset about things that don't have to do with me but taking them out on me.

She does not respond to email or phone calls. I gave some time and space and that didn't work either.

She is acting like a low 3, a cold blooded narcissist, which is not something she's previously done with me.

If I take legal action, that would put us at permanent odds forever. My preference is to communicate with her, help her, clear up all business situations, keep a peace. ....Obviously this has permanently changed my opinion of her and our relationship. I haven't told her that and I won't until everything is worked out. The "dropping" is stunning and out of the blue.

She needs to be able to sit down in person and clear up any and all topics with us and others. Then I'd be willing to move on in our own directions if need be...that's fine. But we have many important unresolved issues that cannot wait and cannot be let go. I'm in a position to force the issue, something I don't prefer if there is a way to get her to a healthier communicative state. Thanks.

 

[21%]

Do you know what is stressing her out? I know you mentioned various "factors", but a little more info would be helpful in this case, because she seems to be behaving very irrationally (and very unlike her normal self?)

 

[wildflower]

i would suggest sending her an email and being really specific about what you need business-wise. give her the option of making things right but give a firm deadline for the tasks and let her know what you will have to do if she can't comply. if she doesn't respond she is probably mentally not in a place where she can. if that happens then i think you will probably need to dissolve your business relationship. sorry you are experiencing this! i know sometimes i can personally shut down and pressure is about the last thing i can deal with then, but business is business and maybe she will pull it together. what i would definitely not do is repeatedly contact her and pressure her to do things. this will likely just feel like control and harassment and will make her further shut down. (at least that is what happens with me.)

 

[BalanceFind]

I can't solve her stressors. She's beyond a state of being rational in terms of communication. I've heard of infj's "dropping" people more often than others. And, it comes completely out of the blue to the other person but not the infj. Some infj's forget to check in with the other person when spending too much time in their imagination. Then miscommunication happens.

Previously it was the walk on egg shells stage. I'm familiar with that one, and it's reolved within a few days or week. No big deal. Not this time.

Part of the stress is financial. We have a new home together. The costs have been more than anticipated. However the costs are covered. As an infj, she is an amateur interior decorator, artist type,...VERY particular with style, decor etc...again not a problem, she has good taste and we agree on many things. However...sometimes in life one has to do some things financially over time in order to be reasonable. She would spend unlimited amounts to make sure things are perfect for her vision. High end tastes. Please note, we are not talking basic necessities. Her grandiosity is not in check. Her spending and money management is not in check. Once it became clear to her that the "large" lump sums would not be happening any longer any time soon...poof, like magic she was gone.

Again, multiple stressors over time, long distance relationship combined with jealousy of other people's relationships...lots of enneagram 3 going on there. She did a good job of hiding some of this depression and stress which built up over time.

As typical of some infj's she can confuse childhood issues or long ago adult issues with current present day people that have nothing to do with that. ...The feeling of "victim" even when they aren't...the overwhelming need to be unique and different...when she's healthy it's great, the depth and soul of an infj, nothing better imo...but we all aren't healthy all the time of course and average is okay too...but this is very unhealthy.

I'm more interested in advice, opinion and feedback regarding the unhealthy infj, especially 4w3 because the 3 narcissism is very key here. And I need possible solutions to help situation after being "dropped."

Last resort is legal action but 2 months in a non-infj world is an eternity. I'm convinced some infj's are oblivious to this when they drop people and vanish. They do not understand the damage they do to a wide variety of people by not having basic communication. I'm seeking an infj perspective or persepctive from someone who knows what I'm talking about.

I understand it's part punishing others and part self-preservation. But that's fine for a few days. Without any communication I have no idea what she's thinking or feeling...infj's often mistakenly think other people can read their minds. A simple conversation or two would go a long way to clear up misunderstandings. But she has to take part. Hence, I'm stuck. Mulling over when to take last resort of legal action.....and that'd be pretty sad to throw away 4 years of dating and 9 years of friendship and future, all because she refused to speak for a couple of months. But that's where it's headed if she doesn't communicate soon. It just seems so silly that I'd have to do that. So easy to solve. Thanks.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I can't solve her stressors. She's beyond a state of being rational in terms of communication. I've heard of infj's "dropping" people more often than others. And, it comes completely out of the blue to the other person but not the infj. Some infj's forget to check in with the other person when spending too much time in their imagination. Then miscommunication happens.

There are certain things which I can identify with her as being an INFJ 4w3 here.

Mind you, INFJs don't just drop people for their benefits. So I wouldn't consider her dropping you because you refused to help. However, I think you could be right about the miscommunication because I often felt INFJ is one of those type that got misunderstood.

You mentioned about her living in her imagination, I suppose that's the Ni-Ti loops you're talking about. It's not really about her wanted to live in her little inner-world but when things get rough or hits her hard, that can become our usual defensive mechanism for filtering out unwanted thoughts. It's just a way for her to recuperate the hardships evolving around her life.

Please note, we are not talking basic necessities. Her grandiosity is not in check. Her spending and money management is not in check. Once it became clear to her that the "large" lump sums would not be happening any longer any time soon...poof, like magic she was gone.

May I ask what's your type? Since both of you have been together for quite long, I assume you might have accomodated her into spoiling? I think when it comes to purchasing habits, it's very difficult to go down once you allowed her to get what she wants. Again, I could be biased here, but I really doubt she's gone because of money issues. I suspect it could be the way of your delivery the message across might had hurted her weak spots.

Basically, I'm not representing all INFJs here, but for me as a 4w3, I had put two of my best friends on hold (not dropping, though they might've taken it like that because I didn't speak with them for nearly three months) because I weren't able to get the emotional support that I'm seeking for.

I have two close friends, one being ENTJ and the other being ENFP, both of their approach of offering advices to me weren't suitable as I can be quite sensitive if I felt I've been forced to accept their advices. I just needed to vent and not really seeking for solutions, though their advice sounds more like a lecture to me. Sometimes I'm not good at telling people that they've crossed the boundary whenever I felt offended, so I'll just withdraw myself and keep a distance away from them until I'm feeling happy and healthy (been stressed for getting a job for months).

So it's either she'll eventually contact you when she has dealt with her own emotional / financial issues, or she'll never. But based on my POV, I would never doorslam someone if there are still financial ties with them. At least I'll get that sorted out first before the doorslamming.

The feeling of "victim" even when they aren't...the overwhelming need to be unique and different...when she's healthy it's great, the depth and soul of an infj, nothing better imo...but we all aren't healthy all the time of course and average is okay too...but this is very unhealthy.

Sometimes, I think people got confused when INFJs may seem to look like they're playing the victim role. I think when an INFJ appears to like that, it's a sign that they're truly overwhelmed by a strings of bad luck. I really envy Fi'ers how they can tolerate to put off all the misery inside them without revealing their sufferings to others.

I happened to got trapped inside the elevator today twice. Once in the morning, and another during early evening. Though the second trapping involved me and two other passengers, all crammed in a really small elevator. The fan went off this time and I felt suffocated. I was really paranoid as all three of us didn't have mobile phones with us and it was getting really stuffy and hot, then I felt really clautrophobic. Then later this evening, I discovered that my shoes got stolen (my only work shoes with heels) as two of my flatmates moved out within the last two weeks. So I was overwhelmed and I brokedown when my mother called me today. During the phone conversation I felt I really shouldn't have told her about this strings of unlucky events and even felt sorry about doing it. However, I was really emotionally wrecked and I just had to let it out. Thank goodness that I just got a job offer recently, orelse I really don't know how I'm able to look past all of that and keep the sanity within me.

I'm convinced some infj's are oblivious to this when they drop people and vanish. They do not understand the damage they do to a wide variety of people by not having basic communication. I'm seeking an infj perspective or persepctive from someone who knows what I'm talking about.

Once again, most INFJs tend to drop people when they felt really hurt. Sometimes it's not becuase of the people who caused them the pain but just bad things happened to them and they just felt too overwhelmed and needed time alone. In your case, I suspect there could be a miscommunication between the two of you and that she's taking a mental break away from you. Or she just need some alone time to deal with her own issues. I really don't think INFJs would drop someone for taking advantage from people for financial reasons. Unless she's really unhealthy to a point that she doesn't seem to care about self-image at all, as most 4w3 cares a lot about how people preceive them as a part of shaping their identity.

 

[BalanceFind]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm an Entp/Enfp.

She contributes as an equal financially etc...not an issue there for many years. I am not a sugar daddy and she is not a sugar mama. We both have been generous to one another. I woudn't be in a relationship with anyone where that stuff wasn't reasonably equal.

She/we have had a string of bad luck stressors for a period prior to that. My being my type, I have quiet interior toughness to setbacks, more than many types. I'm capable of championing others, not quitting and crumbling at first sign of trouble etc...so there were times I was a cheerleader to her to find balance on a daily basis. She admitted to me that she was struggling this past summer more than she let on...she had mild physical health problems summer and that took a while to resolve. Also, she/we were closing on a "dream" beach home this summer....and there were delays in construction and paperwork.........she sent me an out of the blue odd email one day this summer when a final payment was due and needed to be wired by me to her....it was as if she was panicked which is not usual, and she was worried about getting the wire transfer and all that taken care of...and she referenced past situations where others let her down, including specific examples. She never had any reason to panic or stress. She had an irrational fear that I wouldn't come through or something. I of course immediately tried my best to calm her down. I never gave it much thought after that...but now it seems like a deterioration sign I missed.

She was getting irrationally jealous of some of her girlfriends...even to the point of not wanting them around me/us....nothing off the deep end, more subtle than that...but a few times it was overt to me, while keeping subtle with them...the jealousy. And these are non-threatening people whom normally she wouldn't have a problem.

I don't normally cut her off financially because on every day stuff we both contribute....no issue...but I'm talking wiring large lump sums of money and I told her that couldn't happen until next year or two etc..not any time soon...it should not have surprised her but she acted as though I betrayed her. I was expecting grateful. Since she was in a bad way/period, I know that's what put her over the top. That did it. Saying no. Remember when she gets in a very bad way every long while, she spends like an estp 7. She gets super particular about her surroundings etc..

Prior to that she had done a great job with a lot of new circumstances geographically etc...it's as if she started wearing down over time and snapped. She's had to rough it temporarily in a rental house that has some issues among other things. Her close friends started getting busier in their relationships and had less time for her....etc...combo of things.

She waited for me to leave town..."Iterally going through the motions for a few weeks and poof she was gone. Stunned. Spoke w her once on phone. Only reason is I was worried sick because she and I talk every day. After a week I emailed her to say I didn't know if something was wrong or if something terrible had happened...I literally had an ulcer. I had no idea it was intentional. Clueless. I did know some of the problems, but never once thought she would do that. So, I contacted two different people that know her that I don't know well to check on her...and I know she was super pissed at that. Embarrassed, etc...I know she feels I violated some sort of space or ethics, but I'd do it again under same circumstances because I didn't know what happened. She gave zero indication of dropping me...like a great actress almost. We spoke once on phone briefly and she said that I knew all these things bothering her...which I didn't other than the stressors etc...and that was it...really a short call and no less confusion.

I don't want to take legal action...I know she's had some ugly past break-up situations, once with a guy and once with a family member over something. I know she would go ballistic....and I really do love and care for her...I wish her well...no harm...but I have to clear some things up to take care of some business with other people and to clear up our own stuff....I don't have the luxury to wait many months etc..mbut I know she doesn't respond well to pushy...and in general I know that people come to you when you are productively and positively doing your own thing.

I'm a pretty healthy entp/enfp....8...with both 7 and 9 wings.

Appreciate the continued feedback and examples.