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[ENFJ] ENFJ turmoil; Is something wrong with me?

cranez

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2011
Messages
60
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Oh boy, so the last few weeks have been intense to say the least. So intense that I've managed to unhinge a couple friends.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Despite my efforts to help my friends it seems as if they find me too opinionated, naggy or forceful. I am pretty laid back compared to how I used to be and I'm not sure if people are just being assholes lately or what the big deal is.

I noticed most of these friends were ENTJs that I've been having issues with. I've been thriving and developing closer relationships with other ENFJs...but the ENTJs, holy shit. I've had my head bitten off by 3 different ENTJs as well as an INTP.

Either way, my friendships have been lack luster...it makes me sad. I wish I didn't care so much about what my friends thought of me. It would make life a lot easier.

Does other ENFJs find themselves severely impacted by the relationships around them? I mean, I know so many people who genuinely don't give a shit what people think of them and are happy about it...why can't I be that way?!
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
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4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
A few questions.

1. Are these new or old relationships? Meaning, are they established or brand new?

2. Is the snappishness occuring at work or socially?

3. Are these particular people going through hard times? It may have nothing to do with you. Is there a way you could find out what's stressing them?

4. What variant are you? Sx, so, or sp?

5. Are you giving advice or help that isn't wanted or asked for? If it's asked for, what is your delivery like?

There are times where clearly everyone's going to have a burr under their saddle, a bad day scenario. I've walked into the garage and felt the negative, aggressive or depressed vibe hit me at the door. Sometimes I would walk in with my own need to be safe, my own need to be untouched, and it would change the vibe in the room.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Oh boy, so the last few weeks have been intense to say the least. So intense that I've managed to unhinge a couple friends.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Despite my efforts to help my friends it seems as if they find me too opinionated, naggy or forceful. I am pretty laid back compared to how I used to be and I'm not sure if people are just being assholes lately or what the big deal is.

I noticed most of these friends were ENTJs that I've been having issues with. I've been thriving and developing closer relationships with other ENFJs...but the ENTJs, holy shit. I've had my head bitten off by 3 different ENTJs as well as an INTP.

Either way, my friendships have been lack luster...it makes me sad. I wish I didn't care so much about what my friends thought of me. It would make life a lot easier.

Does other ENFJs find themselves severely impacted by the relationships around them? I mean, I know so many people who genuinely don't give a shit what people think of them and are happy about it...why can't I be that way?!

@bold:
Why do you need to help them? Did they want your help?
ENTJs and INTPs are typically a highly independent bunch who don't like others' input unless called upon.

Trust me, I have a little habit of it if I am not mindful. If others do it to me, I eventually snap at them so I try not to do it (but I occasionally slip up).
 

cranez

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2011
Messages
60
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
6w5
A few questions.

1. Are these new or old relationships? Meaning, are they established or brand new?

2. Is the snappishness occuring at work or socially?

3. Are these particular people going through hard times? It may have nothing to do with you. Is there a way you could find out what's stressing them?

4. What variant are you? Sx, so, or sp?

5. Are you giving advice or help that isn't wanted or asked for? If it's asked for, what is your delivery like?

There are times where clearly everyone's going to have a burr under their saddle, a bad day scenario. I've walked into the garage and felt the negative, aggressive or depressed vibe hit me at the door. Sometimes I would walk in with my own need to be safe, my own need to be untouched, and it would change the vibe in the room.

1. Are these new or old relationships? Meaning, are they established or brand new? Somewhat new? Not very developed with either of the primary ENTJs I've been dealing with -- new friendships. The INTP I've known for years.

2. Is the snappishness occuring at work or socially? Socially.

3. Are these particular people going through hard times? It may have nothing to do with you. Is there a way you could find out what's stressing them? There could be things that are stressing them out. But they could at least be honest and forward and say something along the lines of, "I'm going through a hard time, please do what you can to make it easier for me to deal with you."...most of them don't though.

4. What variant are you? Sx, so, or sp? Sp/Sx

5. Are you giving advice or help that isn't wanted or asked for? If it's asked for, what is your delivery like? Well, the one friend I am concerned about it wasn't asked for...but she has asked me about it in the past and it was certainly needed. I think I was a bit repetitive so I think that is what made her blow up.

The other friend, was just flat out being a bitch I've decided. I wasn't even talking to her and was simply posting status messages that were open ended to anyone and she flipped out on me and unfriended me on everything.

@bold:
Why do you need to help them? Did they want your help?
ENTJs and INTPs are typically a highly independent bunch who don't like others' input unless called upon.

Trust me, I have a little habit of it if I am not mindful. If others do it to me, I eventually snap at them so I try not to do it (but I occasionally slip up).

Well one of my ENTJ friends was spreading a bunch of misinformation regarding programming languages vs frameworks & I corrected her because it was making her sound not so smart and in a public setting. She has asked me for help in the past regarding the topic. She also asked me questions while I was helping her understand some concepts she was getting wrong.

I know what you mean though, sometimes I can talk TOO much and I too try to be mindful of it.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Hmmm I think you accidently made the NT look incompetent publicly. Not really your fault but that tends to be a big sore spot for NTs.
 
Last edited:

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
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4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I've noticed that ENTJs really need to feel established with their friend relationships - and in the case of my ENTJ best friend - to thoroughly trust a perhaps difficult bit of advice or direction without feeling besieged.

We need an ENTJ in here.
 

NotOfTwo

small potatoes
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
Messages
509
MBTI Type
INTP
This sounds like a mess.
I personally hate it when people "help" (tell me what to do), when I have not asked for their help. I prefer the friend who is there for me but not in my face.
Just my opinion.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Oh boy, so the last few weeks have been intense to say the least. So intense that I've managed to unhinge a couple friends.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Despite my efforts to help my friends it seems as if they find me too opinionated, naggy or forceful. I am pretty laid back compared to how I used to be and I'm not sure if people are just being assholes lately or what the big deal is.

I noticed most of these friends were ENTJs that I've been having issues with. I've been thriving and developing closer relationships with other ENFJs...but the ENTJs, holy shit. I've had my head bitten off by 3 different ENTJs as well as an INTP.

You gave some ENTJ's unsolicited advice or told them they were doing something wrong? Or other NT's. In public?

e07ea09e-f42f-41ad-be28-fe407b74033b.jpg




Does other ENFJs find themselves severely impacted by the relationships around them? I mean, I know so many people who genuinely don't give a shit what people think of them and are happy about it...why can't I be that way?!

Because you can never be the asshole. You can be manipulative and pushy as all get out but you will never do the asshole who doesn't give a shit and likes it thing. That's our job.
 

cranez

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2011
Messages
60
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I'm not an asshole about it. I just ask them questions and try to get them to picture how the information they are saying is wrong...or give them references that tell them the 'truth' of things.

I never do this publicly. I'm more of a pull to the side, "Here read this..." type. I'm certainly not telling them that they're doing anything wrong...just giving them resources and explaining it when they say they don't understand what I gave them.

I guess this is why I am surprised I'm getting my head chewed off.

[MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION]: LOVE that picture. xD
 
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