[Ne] Uncapable of having long relationships

[pinkgraffiti]

Hi, I'm sad. I just talked to my ex, in the space of 1 month that we're apart she already met someone else and introduced her to the parents. I haven't even met anyone new!

I don't know what's wrong with me, all my ex's seem to find their soul mates right after they break up with me. And I can't seem to be able to hold on to a relationship for more than.....9 months? I don't know, the rest of my life is going great, and I have a lot of friends and I think meaningful connections too, so why do I seem to be so shitty at this? And will it ever change?

I need some comfort please. Questions accepted.

EDIT: and to the person that thought it was more important to correct my vocabulary than to answer my post I tell you EXcapable, IScapable, BAMcapable and FREAKINGcapable.....did your brain explode yet?

 

[Randomnity]

it reflects more poorly on her than on you that she's moving so fast into a new relationship, imo. It's normal to feel sad about it but it doesn't say anything bad about you at all.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

But.....everyone! This is the forth relationship in a row. I either leave them or they leave me, the point is right after me they find their soulmate and it lasts forever. I see a pattern here. And I wonder what it is, so I can change what I'm doing wrong.

 

[Santosha]

I wouldnt feel bad. People are just assholes sometimes. I had an ex (granted that I broke up with) find his for reals soul mate in 2 months after we had been together for 5 years! I couldn't complain since I broke it off, but it was inwardly a heavy bitch-slap. I've seen people jump from person to person and I could never do that. I also don't look kindly on it. I think it shows a bit of immaturity, an inability to let yourself heal and reflect on what happened, and a touch of neediness. And anyhow, how do you know they found their "soul mates" ? How long have they been together? Few months or even a few years. I tell you, the real meat of a relationship doesnt start till the honeymoon wears off. So calm down, their is still much potential for all of your old partners to end up miserable and alone X)

 

[Aquarelle]

Maybe you are helping them find their true selves, so that the next person they meet is a great fit?

If so, the solution is simple: find someone who already knows their true self.

Like others have said, I wouldn't feel bad. Just keep on keepin' on. You'll find the right one when the time is right.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

thank you. i think i just understood something big about myself and you helped me out. special thanks to drew barrymore, i feel very honored that you'd take some time to talk to me

 

[Lily flower]

I don't know about your relationships personally, but I know that all of my boyfriends lasted only 3-6 months, and I used to feel the same way you did, that I couldn't sustain a relationship for any length of time. Then I met my husband and that has worked for close to 20 years. So you may just need to meet the right person.

Have the same issues come up as the reason for breaking up with each person, or have they been different issues?

 

[gmanyo]

If it helps at all, I think it makes sense that you would feel bad in this situation, because relationship troubles suck ass. One thing that can but hasn't always helped was people telling me, "Oh, you'll get over it." I know that that's true in the long run, but it doesn't help the emotional pain I feel in the moment. So sorry that you're feeling shitty. I can't understand your situation completely, but I do empathize with your pain. Life sucks sometimes .

Also, if it helps at all, I've known plenty of people with several breakups in their history, and they're generally pretty cool people.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

^thank you both of you.
In short, I think my goal is to develop a deep meaningful relationship with a person. I am always trying to get to the deep meaning of things, the truth, and what happens is in the beginning of my relationships people only see me as this giving, motivated and positive person and of course they love me for it but I start to doubt whether they love the real me or a false image they have of me so I unconsciously start putting them through trials - basically they consist in me being aggressive when I feel hurt. I guess last night reading your posts I understood that even though I am not an insecure person in general, I have actually more insecurities than I thought and I understood it boils down to the fact that I unconsciously think i'm not worthy of love. Even with close people, like my mum, sometimes I am insecure she doesn't love me so I lash out and seek confirmation. So I think I have to work on that (but I don't know how).

From a practical side, MBTI/Enneagram wise, what do you think that is connected to?

 

[Saslou]

[MENTION=13377]pinkgraffiti[/MENTION] .. 1 month and met someone else. I've been single for 14 months now and my ex *sigh* never mind .. Anyway, don't beat yourself up please. Spend some time on enjoying yourself and you'll find when you are in a happy place, people will gravitate towards you. Nothing speaks louder than a confident person enjoying themselves and life. Some people seem to go from one relationship to another without having time to heal and thats a shame on the next poor person as they have to deal with the leftovers. Applaud yourself for seeing that there is something you need to look into and go about making yourself an amazing person. You'll feel better and someone who is truly worthy of you will appreciate your awesomeness

P.S. Apologies if i am just repeating what others have said, I didn't read their responses.

 

[highlander]

From a practical side, MBTI/Enneagram wise, what do you think that is connected to?

I'd forget about MBTI for this and look at Enneagram. In particular, you may want to consider Tritype. There might be some useful things you'll discover.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

well, i'm high on 7, 8 and 4. I'm 7 throughout the day, 8 when i get stressed, and 4 when i get to the core of myself. and sx/so instincts. so what does that tell me?

I'd forget about MBTI for this and look at Enneagram. In particular, you may want to consider Tritype. There might be some useful things you'll discover.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

wait a second.....do you think 7 can be translated as Ne, 4 as Fi and 8 as Te? Then it would explain why I feel 7 during the day, 8 when stressed and 4 in my core. what do you think?? i'm excited about this! (even though actually I'm not sure how this helps my problem, but whatever)

 

[wildflower]

^thank you both of you.
In short, I think my goal is to develop a deep meaningful relationship with a person. I am always trying to get to the deep meaning of things, the truth, and what happens is in the beginning of my relationships people only see me as this giving, motivated and positive person and of course they love me for it but I start to doubt whether they love the real me or a false image they have of me so I unconsciously start putting them through trials - basically they consist in me being aggressive when I feel hurt. I guess last night reading your posts I understood that even though I am not an insecure person in general, I have actually more insecurities than I thought and I understood it boils down to the fact that I unconsciously think i'm not worthy of love. Even with close people, like my mum, sometimes I am insecure she doesn't love me so I lash out and seek confirmation. So I think I have to work on that (but I don't know how).

From a practical side, MBTI/Enneagram wise, what do you think that is connected to?

this is really insightful about yourself and i am sorry for what you are experiencing in these breakups. i think anyone would have a hard time with their exes moving on quickly and so seriously. what you've described above sounds to me like a counterphobic type 6 where the person is afraid of abandonment and so tests others to see if they will stick around. you might want to check out some good descriptions of the counterphobic 6. (i'm not crazy about hudson & riso's description of it. helen palmer is a bit better i think.) maybe the main thing is to just be honest with yourself and the other person how you are feeling rather than act out your emotion. hope that you find your own soulmate soon.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

shit. i really identify with that as well. especially all the stuff about being a warrior, being brave, being loyal, fear etc.
I'm still pretty confused about the enneagram. although i agree with my MBTI, with the enneagram I can easily identify with many aspects of the 6, 7, 8 and 4. And every time I take a test the percentages of these fluctuate. So I'm not sure I can trust the enneagram that much. I still fail to see the big picture. Mmmmh....

this is really insightful about yourself and i am sorry for what you are experiencing in these breakups. i think anyone would have a hard time with their exes moving on quickly and so seriously. what you've described above sounds to me like a counterphobic type 6 where the person is afraid of abandonment and so tests others to see if they will stick around. you might want to check out some good descriptions of the counterphobic 6. (i'm not crazy about hudson & riso's description of it. helen palmer is a bit better i think.) maybe the main thing is to just be honest with yourself and the other person how you are feeling rather than act out your emotion. hope that you find your own soulmate soon.

 

[BAJ]

I seem to be largely incapable of having a relationship so far.

 

[kyuuei]

Have you thought to identify any situations in your life that could help put barriers in your relationships?

I know for me... everytime I knew I would deploy, a guy has wanted to date me.. and each time, that deployment put a stressor on an early relationship that had too much weight for the new relationship to handle. It's just the way it is.. it's not like I could get mad, or think it was me... the situation itself tends to put a damper on it all.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

huh you're the girl with the funny voice you're in the army? ("deploy"?)

.....now, dear little fellow enfp, did you read the beginning of this thread (including my replies in the middle?) i'm almost sure you skipped most stuff, otherwise you wouldn't have replied like that but thank you for your input

Have you thought to identify any situations in your life that could help put barriers in your relationships?

I know for me... everytime I knew I would deploy, a guy has wanted to date me.. and each time, that deployment put a stressor on an early relationship that had too much weight for the new relationship to handle. It's just the way it is.. it's not like I could get mad, or think it was me... the situation itself tends to put a damper on it all.

 

[BAJ]

Most of my things are pseudo-platonic or infatuations, which general last less than two weeks. I would consider a relationship beyond this...one where people lived together... to be a highly evolved situation.

Generally I crave intimacy, but I need my alone time or quiet time. Also, I crave a model of intimacy, but in truth it terrifies me. Therefore I sabotage my relationships. Thus I wonder if I really do want a relationship...deep down. And if I want one, could I handle it?

I don't want to say a relationship is impossible for me, but I feel it would involve a rare confluence of events, mutual tolerance, and mutual imperfections. I view it as a rare possibility.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

Uuuuh we should get together. We would make shit splash all over the place....we would be the counter-relationship couple.....we could rule the world!

Most of my things are pseudo-platonic or infatuations, which general last less than two weeks. I would consider a relationship beyond this...one where people lived together... to be a highly evolved situation.

Generally I crave intimacy, but I need my alone time or quiet time. Also, I crave a model of intimacy, but in truth it terrifies me. Therefore I sabotage my relationships. Thus I wonder if I really do want a relationship...deep down. And if I want one, could I handle it?

I don't want to say a relationship is impossible for me, but I feel it would involve a rare confluence of events, mutual tolerance, and mutual imperfections. I view it as a rare possibility.