[NF] dude NF ruins my friendships

[2XtremeENFP]

just need some support/reassurance, i need to know someone thinks like me, and can relate to this

do you ever feel like you have an imagine of someone and want them to be the way you think they should be?

do you feel like youve basically been the same person but more mature as the years go by but see others around you changing (...for the worst) and wonder how they became that way and WISH they could go back to how they were?

...hey! maybe I can change you back!

do you have a small close group of best friends, but everyone has grown to be so different but you are the CENTER and you feel like you are grasping to hold the group together? Constantly mending arguments and getting put in the middle? And honestly feel like you are the only thing that can fix it?


i can't end friendships, i can let them run their course, but i cannot pull myself out of a friendship and END it, even though I know there's no benefit from it, except for the fact that I think I can fix them, and make them the best of what they can be, make them who they want to be before they let distractions in their life.

I feel like I am judgemental. I feel like I'm too critical of the world and of people that I know could do better and are meant for better, and when i see them do things that i find ridiculous and stupid, I can't help but point it out.

Please, someone tell me you feel the same way.

I really need to end a friendship with an INFJ because it's just stressing me out. I tried to explain myself but I've been doorslammed.

I'm close with an ESFP but she makes just as stupid decisions, but I can't lose her too.

I wish we were all the same people as when we were in highschool, talking about boys, copying homework and having sleepovers...when lifestyles didn't matter and we didn't have to live the same way.


I feel like no one is like me. like I am alone in this NF world and I am a monster.

 

[Malkavia]

It sounds like your relationships are changing and maybe its time to form new ones in this new era you seem to be in.

I was lucky enough to not have a lot of close friends in high school but it was extremely hard for me to let go of some friendships out of college.

It gets better with time. You make new friends and keep the ones who truly matter.

EDIT - Also, I hate to question type. I dont think its right....but....... have ever considered that you might an ENFJ?

 

[2XtremeENFP]

It gets better with time. You make new friends and keep the ones who truly matter.

EDIT - Also, I hate to question type. I dont think its right....but....... have ever considered that you might an ENFJ?

I feel like lately people have said that to me (another kinda rambled thread like the one you read above...) but why does it seem like I could be ENFJ

And it's like, I can't relate with anyone. The only person who truly matches my values (for the most part) is my ISTJ. He gets me, and he admires that I want to change the world, but he sees that it drives me crazy when I see how stupid and immature and dumb people can be (..ugh judgemental again).

I dont want to make new friends. I love the fact that I've had these girls around during my life, from the time i was 15 til the time now that i'm 25. THEY KNOW ME. They know everything. we can be brutally honest with eachother. I feel comfortable. It's like just the coolest thing----well---it was until all this crap happened with the INFJ and I just don't value or see any benefit from it, but I feel like such a terrible person for saying that a person isn't worth being in my life...

 

[Unkindloving]

Hm Malkie is saying that because you are conveying a number of what we'd deem "ENFJ Worries".
Wanting people to live up to the potential that you see in them, because they are worth that potential. Becoming disappointed because you can't necessarily fix them and they can't see it for themselves, even if you try your damndest to explain it. Feeling isolated because you are so deep into their potential and wanting betterment, yet they can seem so unaware and so unwilling. Not having people to agree with your sentiments because their values are just different, and they would likely just take the route of cutting it all off right at the seams. Feeling so undeniably attached that it can be downright crippling, because these people are aspects of who you are. Backburnering your own self-preservation because the worth of the people you care for is so important that it would be equally as emotionally daunting not to try to tend to them.

I have echoed all of these sentiments too many times to count. I've seen a number of other ENFJs sharing the same feelings. Course, I've seen tidbits of each from other types, as it's not resigned to just the ENFJs, but the combination found here is the most common.

The thing about this is that there really is nothing you can do in the normal ways that people would advise, because there is nothing you may want to do in the normal ways people would advise. I'm get the vibe that you are extremely attached, as though it may rip at some essence of yourself to even consider cutting ties. If so, hearing anything about how you should- or anything that might make it sound remotely easy- won't resonate with you. It may make you feel even further isolated.
What can you do? Make attempts to communicate the value of these people to them. It may fall on deaf ears, it may play out regardless of how it tears at you, but the best thing you can and should do is express their importance. Express aspects of the sentiments you've posted in here to them. Even if your intimate social world falls through, you won't be able to regret not having told them of their value and having made the attempts.

As per people not being worth being in your life.. there ends up being a time, after much effort and looking from a number of different angles, where you may realize that you won't be able to provide a person any more help, that they may be unwilling, or that the potential is lost on them and will only serve to further drain you. Feel disappointed, because it is disappointing, but don't feel like a terrible person if you know you've made those strides and already gone beyond yourself.

 

[Malkavia]

Server went down so I couldn't reply 2xtremeENFP but Unkindloving worded exactly what I wanted to say.

 

[Neutralpov]

I think this is part of the quarter life crisis or just quarter life realizations. It was for me. I had to learn that as you get closer to 30 your values and priorities get more set and defined and it will naturally lead people on different paths. You have to let it fall organically or you will force it and get hurt more. One of the more bitter sweet lessons in life I learned over the past 2 years as I decided to go after my own goals of traveling Europe, going to graduate school, and moving downtown to experience city life to the fullest. (The connections may be strong but that can be misleading I find.)

 

[Lily flower]

I have had some of the same issues. I wish I had my old college gang sometimes, but we all got married and have our own lives now. Probably the best thing to do is to make a few friends, while still valuing the old friendships. I get together with some of my old friends about once a month, but the friends I have made at this phase of my life reflect my values and are more supportive in general. You probably just need to accept your old friends for who they are, and move on. They are not going to change and they are not going to go back to the way they were. But you can still cherish your old friendships while building new ones.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Thank you everyone, youre helping me feel better!

 

[Simi]

do you have a small close group of best friends, but everyone has grown to be so different but you are the CENTER and you feel like you are grasping to hold the group together?

I'm the one who has "changed", and my ESFP/J ex best friend tries to shove me back into the mold of what I was before. /:

I feel like I am judgemental. I feel like I'm too critical of the world and of people that I know could do better and are meant for better, and when i see them do things that i find ridiculous and stupid, I can't help but point it out.

I used to be that way, but I refrain from trying to control people now.
You kind of have to just let people live their lives, and you live yours, you know?
Unless it directly involves me, I try my best to not judge or control.
But man, a few months ago I was the total opposite D:

I feel like no one is like me. like I am alone in this NF world and I am a monster.

You're not a monster, you're not alone, you'll be fine.