[ENFJ] How do ENFJs act when they don't like you, but still want to be polite?

[Sparrow]

Sparrow, are you also adamant about them contacting you first even though you REALLY want to hang out with them? I do that often. I'll build a brick wall, no matter how much I hate to, if the person I'm inviting keeps flaking. Then when they finally break it down I get super excited.

For the most part I wont ask, but if months and months pass by....maybe even a year later I might try again if the occasion seems appropriate !

I get excited too when they finally come around and do some initiating , yay my friend is back! lol...

 

[cranez]

Oh and Mystory, sometimes I will hold back to try and get that person to chase me. But typically that is only after I onslaught them with OBVIOUS signs of interest. Maybe try to get in touch - comment on something of theirs, if he seems overly eager to communicate, that's the surest sign.

 

[mystory]

If he isn't inviting you and you haven't turned him down he may be reluctant to try and snatch up friends of friends. I can get that way - but it's not because I don't like the person - but I also could potentially be weary or don't like them enough to pursue at the same time. I let my friends have their friends and don't try to intrude much on their friendship for fear that my friend may get jealous or pissed off. Any chance of that happening? Or is this several mutual friends?

I totally hear what you're saying, but I don't think that's really the issue here. It's a group of mutual friends, so he wouldn't be stealing me from anyone. He DID finally start inviting me to things. It just took a while of nothing going on and the a few 'test the water' invites.

Oh and Mystory, sometimes I will hold back to try and get that person to chase me. But typically that is only after I onslaught them with OBVIOUS signs of interest. Maybe try to get in touch - comment on something of theirs, if he seems overly eager to communicate, that's the surest sign.

He might have given me what he thought were obvious signs of interest, but I did not pick up on them. Who knows. The one thing that is always consistent....He always makes contact. I would say, I initiate texting 1 time to his 4 times.

I'm just wondering if with all the hype of ENFJs being so outgoing and social, they end up getting invited a lot and don't have to plan and instigate much.
There are also the comments on this board about ENFJs being sensitive to rejection and not very willing to show that they like someone more than that person is showing to them (equality in the relationship).

 

[Priori]

I'm thinking of 2 specific people right now, although there have been more in the past.

The ENFJ says stuff like, "We will be friends forever," "We click so well together," "You are really special to me," touches and hugs a lot and uses a lot of great body language that would indicate a really close friend, but then never calls or initiates getting together. I'm the one who has to do the contact, but then he always acts so delighted that I did. We were at the same event once and the ENFJ talked to absolutely everyone but me, and then when he saw me later he said something along the lines of "Didn't we have such a great time together today?" What? I don't get that at all.

*Hugs Lily* This is the same way my ENFJ is, and I know how confusing and even frustrating it can be. She loves reconnecting with people she hasn’t seen for awhile or meeting (dissecting) new people and it really is a thing of beauty to witness. However, it means that private intimate moments can at times be few and far between and that I will be temporally forgotten at most social events that we attend ‘together.’ I have found the key to be to remember that those fleeting moments, rare and special as they are only happen with me.

Alternatively, I just find an attractive woman and use the rapport building skills I learned from watching my ENFJ to strike up a fun conversation. Suddenly *poof* a she panther of an ENFJ appears like magic.

I find that as long as I’m giving her all of my time and attention, she doesn’t initiate contract either but if I show up out of the blue it’s like my visit is the best part of her day.

To her I expect that relationships are like plants. If it hasn't been watered and weeded in awhile then it needs some attention, but if you are continously making contract then you are self watering and weeding and she doesn't have to do anything. Aslo, like mentioned above she really likes that I keep breaking down whatever walls she puts up. It makes her feel special and desirable. Which she is.

 

[Priori]

Until she retired, my ENFJ and I were both in the military and she was senior to me. This made our sexual relationship complicated because fraternization is against the rules and required quite a bit of discretion. She felt somewhat guilty over breaking the rules and was also understandably nervous about what getting caught would do to her career and reputation. This caused her to push me away, very strongly at times and at one point she told me that if I seduced her again she’d cut me off completely – hurt and angry at her (and at myself for being hurt and angry when I knew logically and morally she was in the right*) I decided I would preempt her by cutting her off completely first.

For about a week and a half I avoided being in the same room as her wherever it was possible. I did not say ‘hi’, or respond to her ‘hellos’ when we passed in the hall. At meetings, briefings and training sessions I made sure to be on the other side of the crowd and did not even look at her side of the room. (emotional maturity is not an INTP’s strong suite, and she was right – if we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other then it was the only logical thing to do)

Then, late one evening while I was doing some electrical repair work on the ship’s mess decks (were we eat) the ships choir, which hadn’t met in month and which she just happened to co- lead showed up on the mess decks and began practicing four feet from where I was working.

I knew that she knew that when she sings I go all gooey inside. So I stopped what I was doing, grabbed a chair and probably set there grinning like a fool as I listened to them practice for about an hour. The under-handed, manipulative, conniving wench knew that would break me and she orchestrated a choir meeting for the sole purpose of doing so! The shear deviousness of what she was doing to me, and the way she was using others to get it done without them even knowing what was going on left me in awe of her.

The moral of the story being that a ENFJ may be initiating contact after all, but being clever enough about it that you don’t notice or thought it was happenstance that you bumped into each other.

*When an INTP know his emotions are making him behave illogically, or that feeling a certain way about something is illogical and he or she can't help feel that way any it usually only makes the situation worse for them.

 

[cranez]

He might have given me what he thought were obvious signs of interest, but I did not pick up on them. Who knows. The one thing that is always consistent....He always makes contact. I would say, I initiate texting 1 time to his 4 times.

I'm just wondering if with all the hype of ENFJs being so outgoing and social, they end up getting invited a lot and don't have to plan and instigate much.

There are also the comments on this board about ENFJs being sensitive to rejection and not very willing to show that they like someone more than that person is showing to them (equality in the relationship).

How often does he initiate conversation with you? Are you two constantly talking on an everyday or every other day basis? What is the frequency?

I know with my ENFJ friend who recently confessed his 'feelings' for me - he would find excuses to contact me. He would invite me to EVERYTHING. He would ask me a lot of questions when conversing about what I thought about certain things...how I felt...he was also...surprisingly very upfront with me about how he felt. In everything. Even unrelated to the 'feelings'.

However, we were both flirts. We jest, prod, make fun - playful flirts. Never too mushy. So what may seem like friendly teasing may in fact be flirting.

 

[mystory]

How often does he initiate conversation with you? Are you two constantly talking on an everyday or every other day basis? What is the frequency?

Very often - he initiates probably 4-5 days a week on average. This has been going on for many months, almost a year. It's almost always texting though. Some days it will be off and on all day. Other days just a few texts. We live a little ways apart, so we probably see eachother about 2-3 times a month, depending what's going on.

However, we were both flirts. We jest, prod, make fun - playful flirts. Never too mushy. So what may seem like friendly teasing may in fact be flirting.

We joke a lot and tease a lot. We do have serious discussions sometimes - mainly in person, sometimes texting, very rarely on the phone. There have been a few times where I've felt like he's fishing for information. Asking me about what kind of guy I'm looking for, he'll help me find one, but it always turns into banter. He drops a lot of hints about doing things, but rarely invites.