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[Fe] Irritated with my own lack of Fe

Santosha

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Fe: The process of extraverted Feeling often involves a desire to connect with (or disconnect from) others and is often evidenced by expressions of warmth (or displeasure) and self-disclosure. The “social graces,” such as being polite, being nice, being friendly, being considerate, and being appropriate, often revolve around the process of extraverted Feeling. Keeping in touch, laughing at jokes when others laugh, and trying to get people to act kindly to each other also involve extraverted Feeling. Using this process, we respond according to expressed or even unexpressed wants and needs of others. We may ask people what they want or need or self-disclose to prompt them to talk more about themselves. This often sparks conversation and lets us know more about them so we can better adjust our behavior to them. Often with this process, we feel pulled to be responsible and take care of others’ feelings, sometimes to the point of not separating our feelings from theirs. We may recognize and adhere to shared values, feelings, and social norms to get along.

Okay... I am curious how many dom/aux Fi users relate to Fe?

The reason I ask this is because I have come to really, REALLY appreciate Fe in the last few years. I do NOT doubt my Fi at all. So please don't bring it into question unless you think you've got a some serious insight on this and me, and well.. even then i ask you PM me.

Sometimes.. when I look over much of the teens and twenties, I am dissappointed in what I'd almost consider a lack of Fe. It's become glaringly apparent in recent times just how important extroverting feeling really is. Things like not showing up to birthdays or family gatherings, not taking the time to send people I love cards or letters, allowing great distances to develop between myself and the people I love very much.. I almost feel as though I've been very selfish and childish. Fe just seems like such a neccessary factor is maintaing good relations. But it goes even beyond that, beyond wanting community and harmony and connection.. I sometimes ask myself.. Have I shown enough love? Do these people really know where they stand with me? What could possibly be more important than this? And I come up empty handed. And while it is not my natural tendency to extovert feelings and I would never want to be anything other than what I am, I question if who I am is really a person so engrossed in my own feelings/values that I can ignore very simple, tangible displays of affection that just might mean the world to someone else.

Have any of you Fi users noticed anything like this?

*THREAD NOT INTENDED TO BECOME A FE/FI BATTLE*
 

onemoretime

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There's an important difference between Fe and social graces. All Fe means is that you make sense of the world of feeling by following common rules and promoting/imposing stability. Of course you're going to be irritated by it - it's your Witch/"evil stepmother" archetype, after all!

Extroverting feeling isn't the important part. Loving people is. If you truly love others, you'll make it known to them without having to exert too much effort.

At the same time, you may have work to do on yourself to get to that point. So often, we act selfishly and childishly, because there's a child inside us that desperately lacks for that kind of attention. Luckily, Fi helps you calm that child down, through its willingness to be open to emotional reality.
 

Lady_X

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Fe: The process of extraverted Feeling often involves a desire to connect with (or disconnect from) others and is often evidenced by expressions of warmth (or displeasure) and self-disclosure. The “social graces,” such as being polite, being nice, being friendly, being considerate, and being appropriate, often revolve around the process of extraverted Feeling. Keeping in touch, laughing at jokes when others laugh, and trying to get people to act kindly to each other also involve extraverted Feeling. Using this process, we respond according to expressed or even unexpressed wants and needs of others. We may ask people what they want or need or self-disclose to prompt them to talk more about themselves. This often sparks conversation and lets us know more about them so we can better adjust our behavior to them. Often with this process, we feel pulled to be responsible and take care of others’ feelings, sometimes to the point of not separating our feelings from theirs. We may recognize and adhere to shared values, feelings, and social norms to get along.

Okay... I am curious how many dom/aux Fi users relate to Fe?

The reason I ask this is because I have come to really, REALLY appreciate Fe in the last few years. I do NOT doubt my Fi at all. So please don't bring it into question unless you think you've got a some serious insight on this and me, and well.. even then i ask you PM me.

Sometimes.. when I look over much of the teens and twenties, I am dissappointed in what I'd almost consider a lack of Fe. It's become glaringly apparent in recent times just how important extroverting feeling really is. Things like not showing up to birthdays or family gatherings, not taking the time to send people I love cards or letters, allowing great distances to develop between myself and the people I love very much.. I almost feel as though I've been very selfish and childish. Fe just seems like such a neccessary factor is maintaing good relations. But it goes even beyond that, beyond wanting community and harmony and connection.. I sometimes ask myself.. Have I shown enough love? Do these people really know where they stand with me? What could possibly be more important than this? And I come up empty handed. And while it is not my natural tendency to extovert feelings and I would never want to be anything other than what I am, I question if who I am is really a person so engrossed in my own feelings/values that I can ignore very simple, tangible displays of affection that just might mean the world to someone else.

Have any of you Fi users noticed anything like this?

*THREAD NOT INTENDED TO BECOME A FE/FI BATTLE*

aww...i very much relate to that concern...yes i can be just awful at sending cards or calling...i assume way more often then i should that people just know how i feel and where we stand...that sucks....however i do relate a bit to your fe description and think i'm not total shit at it...i think i can be feish at times but you have made me more aware of how important those things are...so thank you...now what was your question?
 

Santosha

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It's nice to hear another ENFP feels like this sometimes too. And I agree, I don't think I am entirely Fe devoid.. that description above is interesting to me simply because I had thought that self disclosure was more of an Fi way of reaching out... now I'm not sure. Funny thing is I have the INTENTION to express my love, alot! Like I will actually sometimes buy cards in advance, then forget. Write a letter..and get distracted and not send it. I will try sooo hard to make a certain persons birthday or wedding, and something comes up at the last minute. It really sucks! Because at a distance, people don't know of my intention. And even though I may feel very intense internal affection.. I have to stop myself sometimes and think.. people aren't fucking psychic. Does it really matter how much I love if I can't express it? What good is it?

I dunno, it's weird.
 

Lady_X

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yeah no it makes perfect sense...i feel very thoughtful...i feeel like i'm always thinking of others and wishing well for them or wondering about what's going on with them and missing them...like so much...so i feel very connected to people...since they're always with me..present in my mind and all that but you're right so much of that goes unsaid and unnoticed.
 

INTP

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ENFPs dont use Fe, but they have other ways of getting the same results. ENFPs tend to mirror others strongly(small study showed that much more than any other types), in other words use empathy. this puts them into same position in many situations than usage of Fe would, same result, different way of getting to it.
 

Qlip

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Empathy is local. It doesn't make sure you sent a birthday card to your sis two states away. :( The theoretical answer is an entry in a calendar, or a To Do list... highly theoretical and unyet tested.
 

Amargith

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Te will pick up some of that organizational slack once you get into it. And it's easier to access than Fe (with it's almighty guilttrip). I've found that in larger groups, when I have to be present, Fe comes in handy actually in doing the social proper distance thingy and keeping an eye on the group instead of the individuals in that group. I tend to try and mimick Fe in groups, while using Fi one on one. Whenever I try Fe one on one, I somehow fuck up and end up sometimes sounding passive aggressive. Still working on that. (sorry INTP, I disagree that with your notion that I don't use Fe ;))

Fe is a tool in my kit that I use to assess groups and recognize if it's safe to go Fi and follow my gut to go talk to the one person I find intriguing and Fi the shit out of them (coz Fi leaves me blind to what's going on in the group). It acts like a compass I sometimes check in on (and oftentimes forget I have :doh:)
 

INTP

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(sorry INTP, I disagree that with your notion that I don't use Fe ;))

in that case, you need some education :alttongue: . but cba to do that now
 

Lady_X

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^^ whaaaat? you think enfps aren't capable of using fe?
 

Santosha

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ENFPs dont use Fe, but they have other ways of getting the same results. ENFPs tend to mirror others strongly(small study showed that much more than any other types), in other words use empathy. this puts them into same position in many situations than usage of Fe would, same result, different way of getting to it.


I don't understand. If ENFP's don't use Fe, then why do cog tests show me as NeFi/FeNi? I thought that ALL of the cog processes can be available to someone.. but the PREFERENCE for an ENFP is just NefiTeSi. I've seen other people, even INTJ's comment on how they have both very high Te/Ti functions.. etc. I also read at some point that you can use your not preferred functions, but one tends to use a darker or more negative side.. shadow?
 

Amargith

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Lol...Intp, looks like you're going to have to be arsed to explain to your favorite type why you just took an option that their Ne is fond of, away from them :devil:

:popc1:
 

INTPness

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Extroverting feeling isn't the important part. Loving people is. If you truly love others, you'll make it known to them without having to exert too much effort.

Yeah, that's really all its about. It gets talked about like some "panzy function" where Fe users are going around hugging people all the time. Thing is, it's not contrived behavior. It's just natural for the Fe user to do this. It comes easily. If you love someone, why not show it? Why hold it in? Why keep it veiled? Why keep them guessing or in the dark? Just express it already and be done with it. That's how Fe feels to me anyways. I think there's a misconception that the Fe user "tries really hard" (goes out of their way) to be loving and to be on everyone's good side. It's just behavior that comes naturally. If you care, then express it. Simple.

On the other hand, I will say that Fe can definitely be overdone at times - to the point where the Fe user seems kind of fake and cares to much about their "image" and what others think about them. Just like an INTP can get "stuck" in Ti and become a Ti-whore, so can ExFJ's become stuck and fixated in Fe.
 

Santosha

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Te will pick up some of that organizational slack once you get into it. And it's easier to access than Fe (with it's almighty guilttrip). I've found that in larger groups, when I have to be present, Fe comes in handy actually in doing the social proper distance thingy and keeping an eye on the group instead of the individuals in that group. I tend to try and mimick Fe in groups, while using Fi one on one. Whenever I try Fe one on one, I somehow fuck up and end up sometimes sounding passive aggressive. Still working on that. (sorry INTP, I disagree that with your notion that I don't use Fe ;))

Fe is a tool in my kit that I use to assess groups and recognize if it's safe to go Fi and follow my gut to go talk to the one person I find intriguing and Fi the shit out of them (coz Fi leaves me blind to what's going on in the group). It acts like a compass I sometimes check in on (and oftentimes forget I have :doh:)

Yes, Yes I considered this too. That I'm actually recognizing the benefits of Fe-ish behavior.. but may have to push on Te more to bring this about....
 

Amargith

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Just use Te to sort out the distance oriented organized shit with, coz otherwise people will flip (Te not good face to face when making nice with people, at least not the way we use it). Go for actual Fi motivated Fe in groups ;)
 
A

Anew Leaf

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(Sigh. This is going to become the new INTP vs INTJ thread.)

Anyways... I understand Huxley's main point quite well. I don't have time to go as in depth as I would like about this, but I have a lot to say regarding this "issue."

Warning: James Joyceeqsue stream of consciousness is incoming.

In brief, I am not sure that things such as "sending cards" have to be Fe per se. My ENFP mom was the queen of sending cards to mark birthdays, holidays, and those "special" days that are unique to all of us. She always remembered the sad days for people (the anniversary of someone dying for example) and would call, send a card, or flowers/gift. When I was a teenager, these things didn't come naturally for me at all... but I do it now because I was able to see the joy people got from my mom doing this. Hmm, so maybe Fe is where this doesn't have to be a learned nature? Interesting thought. I am actually very good at remembering odd details and dates about people's lives. If someone tells me any kind of important date in their lives I store it away for future reference.

The more I learn about Fe, the more I feel sort of.... "useless" in comparison. But perhaps the real idea should be to learn to harness my Fi more and verbalize it.

Ok, that's all I have time for. Tune in later today for more Rambling Tales of the INFP by Saturned.

:)
 

INTPness

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The more I learn about Fe, the more I feel sort of.... "useless" in comparison.

Noooooooooo! Don't feel that way. You guys are just as awesome as Fe users. I guess I know what you mean cuz I sometimes watch ENTJ's and think that my Ti useless. Like - they actually *use it*................with people! *gasp* :D

Bottom line though is we are who we are. We can learn from other types, but we shouldn't feel like we are less than them. Like, Fe could learn a bit of discretion from Fi. And learn from Fi not to exude so much fakery. :D We all have our strengths.
 

Lady_X

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I don't understand. If ENFP's don't use Fe, then why do cog tests show me as NeFi/FeNi? I thought that ALL of the cog processes can be available to someone.. but the PREFERENCE for an ENFP is just NefiTeSi. I've seen other people, even INTJ's comment on how they have both very high Te/Ti functions.. etc. I also read at some point that you can use your not preferred functions, but one tends to use a darker or more negative side.. shadow?

me too exactly! i always test highest on those 4 functions and i agree more with cognitive function theory than just okay you're an enfp because those two are your highest...yes they are so slap the enfp label on me and i will be in the same category as all the others that also score highest on those but i can see the difference amongst us...i can tell some use more fe than others or some use more te or si or se or ti...i can see/feel the difference and there's no fucking way i'm going to believe that just because we all share those 4 letters that we share the exact preferences for all the functions. that's totally ridiculous.
 

Viridian

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Noooooooooo! Don't feel that way. You guys are just as awesome as Fe users. I guess I know what you mean cuz I sometimes watch ENTJ's and think that my Ti useless. Like - they actually *use it*................with people! *gasp* :D

Bottom line though is we are who we are. We can learn from other types, but we shouldn't feel like we are less than them. Like, Fe could learn a bit of discretion from Fi. And learn from Fi not to exude so much fakery. :D We all have our strengths.

I wonder if xNFJs/xNTJs feel the same about Ne/Ni...
 
G

Glycerine

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Fe is not the important thing. Showing respect and boundaries for others and yourself is the important thing. Fe for me is about reciprocality.
 
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