[INFP] Moving INFP dating to the next level

[StillWaters]

INFP girl here, dating a guy I'm pretty sure is also INFP. We are over 30. But while I'm only slightly introverted, he's extremely so. He's got a wall up, even though he's really warm, kind, and affectionate. He's shy and self-conscious. He's definitely not an alpha male, and he seems really cautious about relationships. He hasn't said anything about what he wants out of a relationship or with me. He sometimes mentions past relationships, usually like "we dated for a little while, but she broke up with me and I didn't care that much." Except for one girl 10 years ago who he moved across the country for, he hasn't mentioned ever feeling serious about anyone. The other day he mentioned a girl he dated that he wouldn't have wanted a serious relationship with because she had too many psychological problems.

I usually move really quickly into relationships and people have told me that's dysfunctional, so I'm thinking this is my first chance at having a healthy relationship. I really like this guy and don't want to mess it up so I've restrained myself from being too ENFP-like and overeager (no offense, I love ENFPs and often act like one though I always test INFP), which I can definitely do in relationship to another introvert who's more introverted than I am. He's super-reserved and loves his alone time. I've just adapted to his pace and tried to be just as reserved as he is. I'm afraid to tell him I want a serious relationship because I don't want to scare him off if he thinks I'm moving too fast or something.

He's never said anything like "I just want something casual." In my experience, guys are pretty up-front about that. I've been with commitmentphobic, confused people before and he doesn't act like them. When we go out, he's very sweet and considerate and when we stay in, very snuggly. We're sleeping together also, and the sex is amazing (we've both said so). However, there have been times when we sleep together without sex, or go on dates that end at the front door because it's a work night. He doesn't pressure me for sex.

He IMs me every day and we do that throughout our workdays, talking about our day and joking around. I still haven't met his friends or family, and he has not met mine either. But he'll mention the future, like "in a couple months we can do this or that."

We've been dating for a little over 2 months and have seen each other nearly every weekend and also sometimes on a weeknight. It's hard not to compare this to my last two relationships, that both involved moving in together after a month or so (but were both with very clingy guys and ended up being dysfunctional).

My question is twofold: help me understand his reserve and make him feel safe, and help me not blow it by overwhelming him with my liking and insecurity about him being reserved and non-clingy. I really like his independence, I am just not used to it. Thanks!

 

[Onceajoan]

I'm not sure what you mean by moving it to the next level - you've only been together 2 months and it sounds like you spend plenty of time together - text messaging, spending weeknights/weekends together, sleeping together... What are your expectations? Is he suppose to get down on one knee and propose?

My suggestion?
- Relax
- Enjoy your time together
- Don't ask too many questions
- Throw your expectations out the window
The more you do these things, the more he'll open up to you.

If you are looking for a guy who's more expressive verbally, maybe you shouldn't date an infp.

 

[OmarFW]

Well an Fi dom is usually not the best choice if you want someone who is non-reserved relationship wise, but if you can earn his trust than he will most likely start opening up to you.

What he needs to stop being reserved is someone to pull him out of that. An INFP will sit in their shell of comfort forever if they deem it necessary. He can learn to be more expressive (as any type can be), but it's not going to happen overnight if he doesn't have the ability already, and he has to be willing.

If he's had bad experiences with relationships in the past he's likely to project those experiences onto you or any other women he dates.

 

[Anew Leaf]

INFP girl here, dating a guy I'm pretty sure is also INFP. We are over 30. But while I'm only slightly introverted, he's extremely so. He's got a wall up, even though he's really warm, kind, and affectionate. He's shy and self-conscious. He's definitely not an alpha male, and he seems really cautious about relationships. He hasn't said anything about what he wants out of a relationship or with me. He sometimes mentions past relationships, usually like "we dated for a little while, but she broke up with me and I didn't care that much." Except for one girl 10 years ago who he moved across the country for, he hasn't mentioned ever feeling serious about anyone. The other day he mentioned a girl he dated that he wouldn't have wanted a serious relationship with because she had too many psychological problems.

I usually move really quickly into relationships and people have told me that's dysfunctional, so I'm thinking this is my first chance at having a healthy relationship. I really like this guy and don't want to mess it up so I've restrained myself from being too ENFP-like and overeager (no offense, I love ENFPs and often act like one though I always test INFP), which I can definitely do in relationship to another introvert who's more introverted than I am. He's super-reserved and loves his alone time. I've just adapted to his pace and tried to be just as reserved as he is. I'm afraid to tell him I want a serious relationship because I don't want to scare him off if he thinks I'm moving too fast or something.

He's never said anything like "I just want something casual." In my experience, guys are pretty up-front about that. I've been with commitmentphobic, confused people before and he doesn't act like them. When we go out, he's very sweet and considerate and when we stay in, very snuggly. We're sleeping together also, and the sex is amazing (we've both said so). However, there have been times when we sleep together without sex, or go on dates that end at the front door because it's a work night. He doesn't pressure me for sex.

He IMs me every day and we do that throughout our workdays, talking about our day and joking around. I still haven't met his friends or family, and he has not met mine either. But he'll mention the future, like "in a couple months we can do this or that."

We've been dating for a little over 2 months and have seen each other nearly every weekend and also sometimes on a weeknight. It's hard not to compare this to my last two relationships, that both involved moving in together after a month or so (but were both with very clingy guys and ended up being dysfunctional).

My question is twofold: help me understand his reserve and make him feel safe, and help me not blow it by overwhelming him with my liking and insecurity about him being reserved and non-clingy. I really like his independence, I am just not used to it. Thanks!

I am pretty much with Onceajoan on this one.

Relationships don't fall apart after 2 months because they AREN'T moving in together. There is definitely something to be said for taking things slower and just enjoying the ride.

 

[tkae.]

See, the entire foundation of your question indicates an extremely flawed mindset for your goal.

With an INFP, you don't "move it to the next level".

In fact, you don't do anything at all.

The only thing you can do is to do nothing. Let him set the speed of things. Otherwise, you'll scare him off. He'll clam up, run away, it's over, you're gone. We open up in steady intervals, like scared clams. Open up a little bit, snap shut. Open up a little more, snap shut. Open up a bit more, snap shut. Eventually we'll open up all the way, but only if we've gone through the initial phases. You can't try to pry his shell open, or he'll clam up and keep it shut until you're gone.

Period. End of discussion.

No, "Well what if I..."

Or, "But couldn't we..."

That's how dating of an INFP works. I've had countless INTJs tell me how frustrated they got always going back to square one. But the fact is that square one is where we're comfortable. We like knowing there's a safety net underneath us, that if our next level of exploration fails, we can still be friends. No one gets hurt. It's awkward, but it's behind us, we go back to being friends. If we think that we or the other person (and we'll feel guilty about hurting them, so again, we) will get hurt in the process, then it's better to just stay friends than try anything.

There is not "moving it".

All there is is "letting it" happen into the next level.

So...

 

[nolla]

^ I don't think it goes back to square one. The shutting up keeps becoming less shut up all the time as I get to know people better.

 

[tkae.]

^ I don't think it goes back to square one. The shutting up keeps becoming less shut up all the time as I get to know people better.

To us it doesn't seem that way, but I've heard time and time again that INFPs require a speed in a relationship that's 10x slower than normal relationships, and the shutting up is how it is for me. I move forward, get scared about moving forward, more forward again, get scared about that, etc.

 

[nolla]

I've heard time and time again that INFPs require a speed in a relationship that's 10x slower than normal relationships, and the shutting up is how it is for me.

That might be true. To me it just seems like I question the idea of "moving forward". What is it? What is the goal? Getting married, having children? Dying together? Then the fastest way to move forward would be to make suicide together on the first date.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

[...] I've heard time and time again that INFPs require a speed in a relationship that's 10x slower than normal relationships, and the shutting up is how it is for me. I move forward, get scared about moving forward, more forward again, get scared about that, etc.

I don't necessarily think that's true. Or at least, I'm not like that. I think that depends on someone's energy level. Or overall adventurousness or life enthuiasm, or possibly fearfulness like you're talking about.

The guy described in the original post does seem like a slow-mover though. But I don't think you should worry about it. This is one of those things I always think the less you think about it, the better it will turn out. Just enjoy the moment..

 

[Lady_X]

what is this next level that you want to get to? sounds like you guys are doing great to me.

 

[OrangeAppled]

My INFJ bf just outright told me that he couldn't tell how I feel & needed me to express it more. It made me aware that I needed to lower my guard a bit if I am going to have a successful relationship, and that just because I feel something strongly doesn't make it obvious to others. Fi-dom turn feelings & emotions inward, and especially will they bask in a positive feeling internally, forgetting to communicate it. Don't prod or push him to express his feelings(or guilt-trip or cling), as that can backfire, but do let him know that you'd like him to be more expressive so you know where you two stand. Then drop it & give him time & a chance to meet your request.

As for being slow-moving, INFPs can also mentally view the relationship as moving to another level, but again, forget to communicate that. This is because these intangible dynamics are very "visible" to us (and I'm sure ENFPs relate to that), almost as obvious as physical object in front of your face (if not more so at times). I saw my INFJ as my exclusive boyfriend after about 2 months of dating, and when I off-handedly referred to myself as his girlfriend one day, he was pleasantly surprised. I sort of took it for granted that it was obvious we were exclusive, but he needed to hear it from me & make it "official". I admit that I kind of have an "if I didn't love/like you, then I wouldn't be with you" attitude at times, and so I have to make a conscious effort to give verbal affirmation. So you might test the water at times with your INFP & be surprised to find out it's warmer than you imagined, and you can do that without seeming needy or pushy. It's not like the only two options are "suffer in silence" or "dramatically declare intense feelings".

If you're an INFP also, then you might not be aware that your own feelings are not as obvious as you suppose either, so make sure to communicate what you are feeling too.

 

[CrystalViolet]

You know I always thought this sort of stuff would be instinctive with two INFP in a relationship, or are you worrying about having babies? (sorry for my bluntness) I think if you are listening to the tick-tock of your bio clock, I think it's the fool proof way of making you panic, pushing too much resulting in the other person feeling pressured, and an INFP will bail. You know it, as you know you would bail in the same circumstances. So relax, just enjoy your partner for now. He's receptive and spending time with you. You're kinda in. Just be there, enjoying the moment.

 

[21%]

As for being slow-moving, INFPs can also mentally view the relationship as moving to another level, but again, forget to communicate that. This is because these intangible dynamics are very "visible" to us (and I'm sure ENFPs relate to that), almost as obvious as physical object in front of your face (if not more so at times). I saw my INFJ as my exclusive boyfriend after about 2 months of dating, and when I off-handedly referred to myself as his girlfriend one day, he was pleasantly surprised. I sort of took it for granted that it was obvious we were exclusive, but he needed to hear it from me & make it "official". I admit that I kind of have an "if I didn't love/like you, then I wouldn't be with you" attitude at times, and so I have to make a conscious effort to give verbal affirmation. So you might test the water at times with your INFP & be surprised to find out it's warmer than you imagined, and you can do that without seeming needy or pushy. It's not like the only two options are "suffer in silence" or "dramatically declare intense feelings".

This is so true!

My INFP boyfriend keeps claiming that we were 'together' since the beginning. At that time we were only hanging out and talking a lot, and while I knew I definitely liked him back then, I never thought we were anything more than 'friends', because we hadn't done the 'it's official' talk and I couldn't be a hundred percent sure that it wasn't all in my head.

 

[StillWaters]

It's not a bio-clock thing. I don't want kids, and neither does he. We both, however, want cats.

It's really just that I'm so accustomed to guys who are obviously into me in the beginning of a relationship. Then again, I've been with a lot of ENFPs, who wear their hearts on their sleeves at all times. I have always assumed that if a guy likes you, he'll pursue like a white knight. In this case, I am doing more of the pursuing, and he is enthusiastically receptive, and seems to enjoy my pursuit, but I'd like to know we are on the same page at least. I want a long-term, serious relationship with someone who is easy to get along with and loves art, literature, cats (as I mentioned), traveling, good food, doesn't want kids, is liberal, introverted, and has a similar sense of humor to mine. I want monogamy. I want to be there for someone and vice versa through thick and thin. I want love. He and I seem perfect together, but it's taking a while to feel that bond, the spirit of being a team.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

To me that sounds like something that will grow over years & years-- though you may feel that deep connection immediately, it might take sharing your lives together for a pretty good while before you build up the sense of being a team that faces life together as one.

Did you read the post I made in your other thread?