[MBTI General] Anger

[SilkRoad]

I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It is mostly pent up but it bursts forth once in a while.

A lot of it seems to be resentment, more or less directed at people who I feel have taken advantage of me or misunderstood me. But it seems almost disproportionate. It's probably one of those typical INFJ subterranean buildups. One day you wake up and realise you're a lot angrier than you thought you were.

Maybe it is also partly directed at myself. Because I suppose where I've been taken advantage of, I've walked into the trap myself, to a certain extent. And misunderstandings, well, I've probably made mistakes there too.

The worst is when you've even confronted the person over how you're feeling, and while it may be painful at least you're being honest. And you seem to have resolved it with them. And then a few days or weeks later you realize you still feel resentment...

I'm definitely having problems with letting things go. I've always had problems with letting really major things go. The trouble is that now I feel like the less major things are building up too. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want this in my life/psyche.

How do you INFJs and NFs (and anyone!) deal with this? I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not typically an "angry person".

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It is mostly pent up but it bursts forth once in a while.

A lot of it seems to be resentment, more or less directed at people who I feel have taken advantage of me or misunderstood me. But it seems almost disproportionate. It's probably one of those typical INFJ subterranean buildups. One day you wake up and realise you're a lot angrier than you thought you were.

Maybe it is also partly directed at myself. Because I suppose where I've been taken advantage of, I've walked into the trap myself, to a certain extent. And misunderstandings, well, I've probably made mistakes there too.

The worst is when you've even confronted the person over how you're feeling, and while it may be painful at least you're being honest. And you seem to have resolved it with them. And then a few days or weeks later you realize you still feel resentment...

I'm definitely having problems with letting things go. I've always had problems with letting really major things go. The trouble is that now I feel like the less major things are building up too. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want this in my life/psyche.

How do you INFJs and NFs (and anyone!) deal with this? I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not typically an "angry person".

Believe it or not, I've been right in your shoes just a few days ago.

Yes, the issue has to do with struggling to let things go. Though it's quite interesting that you've mentioned about the issue of resentment. The way I see it is that, INFJ is typically very easy-going to those who we don't feel a need to dwell a deeper connection. Sadly, once we have found that special connection with someone, our emotions also got interwined. And resentment usually starts when things are falling apart, and mostly due to misunderstanding.

As Introverted Intuitive, we "know" things by staying in touch with our own intuition, not directly through what we see in front of them. This makes communication very difficult because we can't easily explain what we feel or know to people that only understand what they see.

To make matters worse, our "Fe" cause a huge paradox of what the rest of the world can sense how we feel, but not how we understand things. They also do not understand how we deal with our thinking side, which is also Introverted. One minute we are sharing praise or comforting people and the next minute we are critical. We are usually very honest in projecting our feelings, holding our tongues doesn't always help because we just can't hide how we feel.


Lately people look at me like I am from another planet when I talk which makes me feel bad and want to withdraw to my little corner of the world all the more. The problem is, I still strongly believe in my own intuition but when others strongly rejected this, I often felt even more suspicious of them. Then it depresses me further later due to the huge gap of misunderstanding.

I also found there is never was anyone around to help me either. Part of the reason for that is because it is difficult for INFJ's to accept anything from others. We are so used to others (especially Extroverts) draining us that (because of our strong Feeling function and because we are Introverted) we could never see ourselves draining others. People just get used to taking and not giving.

Just a few days ago, I had an experience like this. Someone I had been helping for literally years with a personal problem refused to extend himself in the slightest to help me with when he perfectly knows that I'm in a depressive stage.

Unfortunately, this constant disappointment with people makes us withdraw even more. We need to be careful that we don't take on other personality traits as a means to escape into a better world.

The way I deal with my own resentment toward others is this. Try to make an effort to better explain what you are thinking not just what you are feeling. I would suggest trying to understand not only yourself. Generally speaking, people don't hurt us because they are mean. They hurt us because they either don't understand us or they don't understand themselves. As INFJs, we are blessed with a far greater ability to understand. We should use that ability to improve our lives as well as those around us. The easiest way to do this is to relax and save your energy for that which is truly important. Try to demand nothing from everyone when you feel resentful, and a lot less from yourself. I know this isn't easy as INFJ does want attention (or to feel loved) when they're in the worst shape (which contrast to ENFP, as they tend to not wanting to be bodered by others at such stage), I do believe that it's better to demand nothing but just to calm down on our own and hopefully all of the disappointments will be faded away eventually.

 

[mmhmm]

i get over myself. and 95% of it goes away.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

i get over myself. and 95% of it goes away.

Is that in public? I felt it's quite common for ENFPs to cool it off on their own within a short period of time if they're surrounded by people.


Though INFJs seem to be the opposite, it's really hard for us to bottle things up when we felt extremely stressful or angry. And of course, usually things can turn up pretty ugly at times (blame it on our Fe).

 

[Santosha]

I will throw in my NFP take on it. Alot of the time I have a problem with the other side of the coin. I don't think I hold on to resentment as much as I should. (That sounds insane, i realize.) But it's true. People will do things that upset me, and I feel it really deeply in the moment, but then it just disappears. It disappears because as soon as I feel bad, I start thinking about how I don't WANT to feel bad, so I just let it go. It's hard for me to articulate exactly how this process works within.. but I think INFP's and ENFP's (to some extent) do have alot of control with shifting emotions. Feel bad? We just change our perception.

Maybe this isn't so easy for a J. It might come back to the INFJ not entirely knowing how they feel in the moment, so having a delayed affect after a few hours or days or even weeks of self analysis. After you analyze it, your concluding that the other was in the wrong and your justified to be hurt. But you might even be feeling a bit vulnerable for not recognizing it right off the bat, almost encouraging that not only were you wronged, but also deceived.

Crescent Flesh had good advice on trying to focus on what matters. I think that is how as an NFP, I let go so easily. I understand that people can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. That I am responsible for my own feelings. So I try to objectively look at it (many times giving the perpetraitor even more credit than deserved) by saying 1) In what ways has this really affected me? Did it affect something tangible, or is it purely emotion? If it is purely emotion, then I can control how I feel it or view it. Do I need to put up more warning signs to the other person, that they are crossing the line? Do I need to communicate better so I am not misunderstood? Nothing is set in stone. I can always go back and re-clarify what I meant so understanding is improved. I can also always go back and explain why It hurt me, hoping the other person will avoid this in the future.

Maybe, if your unable to shift your perception or emotion to just not being hurt, then you need to consider what can make this hurt better. Would you feel better if there was a consequence to the other person? What would be a fair consequence? What can you do to neutralize the circumstance, so that you feel it has been handled appropriately.

Also, and this is so cliche, but try to focus on the good, both in the moment and of the situation. No matter how bad the situation is, there is always good. Even if its just that we learned something about the other person, or ourself, or our limits, or how we need to be more upfront with expecatations, or, how we can not trust someone.

 

[Santosha]

I also have a thought about how NiFe might play out with angers and hurts. Because the Ni intuition moves through lines of past to current to future, I wonder if when feeling a negative emotion, the INFJ connects this feeling strongly to past events, current events, and then feels overwhelmed with how it will play out in the future? Maybe I'm off base, I readily admit I don't understand Ni very well... but IF you think this might be true, then you might want to force yourself to isolate the hurt to what it truly was, that one incident, and understand that you can control it not moving into the future.

 

[PeaceBaby]

How about this - when an Fe user is angry, they look outside to see why they feel angry. When an Fi user is angry, we tend to look inside. The solution for each of us is to take the balance point - Fe users need to look IN more, and Fi users need to look OUT.

Your anger may not be so much about other people and how they have taken advantage of you as it is directed towards yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. An Fi user in the same situation would tend to blame themselves for being taken advantage of rather than assigning ownership to an offending party.

The solution? Forgive yourself. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, and realize that you will grow from this and learn to set better boundaries. Not every future interaction will be tainted with the present.

 

[Anew Leaf]

How about this - when an Fe user is angry, they look outside to see why they feel angry. When an Fi user is angry, we tend to look inside. The solution for each of us is to take the balance point - Fe users need to look IN more, and Fi users need to look OUT.
Your anger may not be so much about other people and how they have taken advantage of you as it is directed towards yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. An Fi user in the same situation would tend to blame themselves for being taken advantage of rather than assigning ownership to an offending party.

The solution? Forgive yourself. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, and realize that you will grow from this and learn to set better boundaries. Not every future interaction will be tainted with the present.

Quoted for pure winnage and the truth.

 

[Thalassa]

Crying? Screaming in the car or the shower? Punching something? Exercise?

I don't know I'm pretty ENFP in that I feel anger and dispose of it (though I've learned to do it in slightly less confrontational ways as I've matured, which is why I made the above suggestions). I don't have the INFJ "subterranean buildup" where I didn't realize I was angry. I don't ever tell myself I'm not an angry person. I used to feel like my anger made me strong, and it did help me out of certain situations.

I actually had to learn the opposite of an INFJ, I think, when it came to my anger. But it has to do with childhood issues, too.

I would also suggest self-care. I don't know if FJs are as good about self-care as FPs. Remember that YOU are important and take care of you first, that might also make you feel less angry.

Also, talk it out with others maybe?

 

[Thalassa]

People will do things that upset me, and I feel it really deeply in the moment, but then it just disappears.

YES. THIS.

 

[Rail Tracer]

I'm feeling a lot of anger at the moment. It is mostly pent up but it bursts forth once in a while.

A lot of it seems to be resentment, more or less directed at people who I feel have taken advantage of me or misunderstood me. But it seems almost disproportionate. It's probably one of those typical INFJ subterranean buildups. One day you wake up and realise you're a lot angrier than you thought you were.

Maybe it is also partly directed at myself. Because I suppose where I've been taken advantage of, I've walked into the trap myself, to a certain extent. And misunderstandings, well, I've probably made mistakes there too.

The worst is when you've even confronted the person over how you're feeling, and while it may be painful at least you're being honest. And you seem to have resolved it with them. And then a few days or weeks later you realize you still feel resentment...

I'm definitely having problems with letting things go. I've always had problems with letting really major things go. The trouble is that now I feel like the less major things are building up too. I believe in forgiveness and I don't want this in my life/psyche.

How do you INFJs and NFs (and anyone!) deal with this? I really don't like feeling this way. I'm not typically an "angry person".

To know that you are angry is the first step, or at least I think it is. For me, the major source of the problem was that I didn't vent any of these emotions to other people. And now that they are beginning to surface, letting it out is even harder.

You can sort of think that releasing your anger is a form of "letting things go" as you aren't necessarily holding on to these feelings of the past or denying their existence. Letting your anger out more often would at least let those around you know (instead of holding them longer than they should be) and at least make it a bit easier to let go. In some ways releasing your anger can also begin to signal your forgiveness... to yourself and to others.

I don't ever tell myself I'm not an angry person. I used to feel like my anger made me strong, and it did help me out of certain situations.

I actually had to learn the opposite of an INFJ, I think, when it came to my anger. But it has to do with childhood issues, too.

I used to feel that anger meant that I was losing control of myself/the situation. So I either controlled my anger, or denied them when someone brought it up.

---------

It has just been recently that I've been learning to just be angry. If I am angry, vent it somehow. If venting the anger isn't appropriate for the situation, find some place to vent it out.

If it meant being angry at others, than do so (I still have trouble with this.) In some situations, boundaries really have to be set. After all, people step all over you because these people don't know what is tolerated and what is not tolerated. Once they know the boundaries, they will know what to walk on. And for future references, those people may end up taking care to know what makes you angry.

Don't deny anger, but don't over-express it either is what I am saying.

 

[Neutralpov]

Get a book on boundaries stat. I recognize it in your post, that is one of the stages of a long-term boundary violation: the anger and walking around under a cloud delay. You are normal and can see what to expect and how to learn and grow from other stories.

I read http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Wh...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305868888&sr=1-1 and it literally was a changing point for me after being angry.

NF to NF validation: You are growing up and not crazy or weird for this. and ditto to all the other posts. by chance in your mid-twenties or so?

 

[SilkRoad]

Thanks all. I'd like to respond to these in a little more detail, but just thanks for now.

Heather: I'm in my early 30s. Late developer? It's taken me a while to recognize patterns in my life (typology has helped a good deal), and lately a number of issues have arisen.

I guess we all have our issues with interpersonal relationships. For instance, some people are more aggressive and assertive than I am and end up with some people who really dislike them. On the up side, they don't let people trample on them and still have plenty who respect and like them (if it's done in a healthy way, of course!). Sometimes they may take it too far and be abrasive and alienate others.

By way of contrast, I get along with most people, have never found that there are many (or hardly any) who actually dislike me, and am somewhat proud of that. Unfortunately, in an effort to continue getting along with others there have been times when I have been a doormat and allowed people to violate my boundaries and take advantage of me. It's partly a fear of being disliked. In the case of someone more assertive, such as above, the fear of being manipulated or taken advantage of or controlled may be the more dominant force.

 

[SilkRoad]

I also have a thought about how NiFe might play out with angers and hurts. Because the Ni intuition moves through lines of past to current to future, I wonder if when feeling a negative emotion, the INFJ connects this feeling strongly to past events, current events, and then feels overwhelmed with how it will play out in the future? Maybe I'm off base, I readily admit I don't understand Ni very well... but IF you think this might be true, then you might want to force yourself to isolate the hurt to what it truly was, that one incident, and understand that you can control it not moving into the future.

You make a very good point here. I think one problem is that when someone succeeds in hurting/angering me, probably by taking me for granted in some way, imposing on me or not showing concern for my feelings - I think I end up making the latest person who did that the representative of all the people who have done that to me in the past, and probably all the people who will do it to me in the future... I know that my instinct to "pattern" things can be quite harmful in this area.

To give an example: I feel like people often treat me as though my feelings are not sensitive or as though I don't really care, like I'm a passionless, emotionless person. So it's not just about one or two people who may recently have done that. It becomes about all of the following: a) the many times I went to the city finals for the public speaking competition but didn't win anything because I wasn't as animated as some of the other kids; b) the times I've been turned down for a job because they thought I didn't seem excited enough about it; c) the guys who thought I'd be absolutely fine with being friends with them on their own terms even though they'd just rejected me, sometimes very unpleasantly; d) the people who I've tried to help who thought that I had an infinite supply of emotional energy for them to drain; e) the roommate who picked on me because she thought I wouldn't stand up to her, but then reacted nastily when I occasionally tried to give her a taste of her own medicine; etc.

And yeah, I know that what I've just written is...ridiculous, in a way. It's too much. It's taking it too far. And I think it's absolutely true that in some ways I'm more angry at myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Or for allowing others to misinterpret me so very much, because passionless/emotionless is the last thing that I am - but is that part really my fault? You can't force people to be more thoughtful and perceptive than they are. I know that building it into some kind of grand pattern is really unhealthy for me, but at the same time, it IS a pattern. And while I may be able to do more to stop people taking advantage of me - I think I am already getting better at that - how do I show people that I "care" without bleeding emotionally all over the place? I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve and I resent the fact that those who kick and scream, have tantrums and make a nuisance of themselves are so often those who get everything they want out of life. Acting like that would be like running around with no clothes on, for me. But not acting like that seems to be a good way to get overlooked or taken advantage of. It's so weird, I've had lots of people tell me I'm warm, caring and enthusiastic, but I feel like I get treated like someone who is cold, uncaring and apathetic. It's probably just the way I'm feeling at the moment, but I don't know. And the last thing I want to be is a whiny victim, and I feel like I must be coming across as one right now!

When I am emotionally unsettled, it is very very difficult for me to see clearly what the truth of a situation is, and what is my perception seen through a distorted lens. Currently I find myself walking around with a lot of angry and rather self-righteous thoughts along the lines of "trust no one", "people are selfish and unreliable", and "no one sees the real me no matter how hard I try to be honest about who I am and what I need."

A few of you suggested self-care and I admit I'm not great at it. I am working on it though and I think it helps. And learning to set better boundaries, definitely.

I also know that I need to concentrate more on the positives in my life and the positive relationships - there have been more of those, I think, and they represent a pattern too, but perhaps one harder to distinguish than the negative ones, at least when I'm in this kind of zone.

It's strange that I'm carrying around so much of this though. I'm starting to think it must have been building up for many years. I'm normally quite good at identifying my emotions, but I don't think I even understood for a while that it was anger.

 

[Lauren]

QUOTE=Huxley3112;1563965"I will throw in my NFP take on it. Alot of the time I have a problem with the other side of the coin. I don't think I hold on to resentment as much as I should. (That sounds insane, i realize.) But it's true. People will do things that upset me, and I feel it really deeply in the moment, but then it just disappears. It disappears because as soon as I feel bad, I start thinking about how I don't WANT to feel bad, so I just let it go. It's hard for me to articulate exactly how this process works within.. but I think INFP's and ENFP's (to some extent) do have alot of control with shifting emotions. Feel bad? We just change our perception.

I relate to this. Bad feelings disappear quickly. I try to give myself permission to feel what I feel. Once you've given yourself permission, then I think it might be easier after a time to look at things from a different perspective, and as you say, to see the good in a situation. If I like someone, if they're a friend, and I feel disappointed, I try to look at how I might have contributed to a misunderstanding and I make an effort to remember why I like or love them so much.

Once I review all of the good things, the bad feeling often lifts. Or, I tell myself (this takes some practice for me to remember in the moment) to review my positive experiences/relationships and to remember that everything will likely be okay because, even if things are muddled, if they are a good friend, they will stick with me and I with them. I have issues about believing that someone, even those whom I know care for me, actually do care. I know it intellectually but not in my heart--I grew up taking care of others and had to learn not to rely too much on those who couldn't give very much at the time. So, I became a little too self-reliant and forget sometimes to let a friend or loved one take care of me.

 

[Little Linguist]

Interesting, Lauren, because I had similar thoughts. I am not the type to hold grudges. My XSFJ mother-in-law won't speak to her step-daughter because of crap that went on like 20-30 years ago. That would never happen with me.

Instead, I'd get really effing PISSED for like 1-2 hours, be like RAWRRRRRRRRRRR tigress on their asses, and then I would just calm down and realize, "Aww screw it, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter *that* much." Then, I slink back home, hoping my own ass won't get chopped off, and then am happy that the storm has kind of blown over and we can get back to business.

 

[SilkRoad]

Ok, there really seems to be a trend here with the FPs finding ways to shift their perspective/change their emotions so they get over this sort of thing more easily! I'm jealous It's not that I can't shift perspectives but...it doesn't seem to work in that way for me...if someone has hurt me, the perspective shifts all seem to be negative... I can totally feel that I don't want to feel a certain way any more, but although extreme discipline with my thoughts and what I allow myself to dwell on will help, it won't stop me from still having those angry or painful feelings.

What a few of you have said reminds me of one of my best friends...and it's another reason why I think she might be some kind of FP rather than the INFJ I thought she was (she got INFJ on the Humanmetrics test, but apparently loads of people do, haha.) She seems like a likely ENFP or maybe INFP. She'll get really mad and upset and say she can't be friends with someone any more or that they hurt her deeply - or, as well, that she'll love someone forever or never love again or whatever. And, well, I'm learning to acknowledge how she feels in the moment, but I have to say I can't take it too seriously in the long term. She usually ends up making up with those people and being best of friends with them again. Or moving on quite quickly from the person she said she'd love forever. I used to think she felt things more deeply than me because she's more expressive but I no longer think that's the case. I think she feels things with extreme intensity in the moment but she moves on much more easily than I do.

 

[Little Linguist]

You J guys have the advantage of actually having stability in your life, though, including your emotions. My life, including my emotions, appears to be much more turbulent. Some days I wish for the inner stability of my J counterparts.

 

[SilkRoad]

You J guys have the advantage of actually having stability in your life, though, including your emotions. My life, including my emotions, appears to be much more turbulent. Some days I wish for the inner stability of my J counterparts.

Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm not volatile - when I do feel like I "suddenly" get overwhelmed by emotions, I have come to realize that they've been building up on me for some time, and I'm trying to get better at realizing when the dangerous buildup is happening.

I think we are more stable but we also take a lot longer to work through things. One of the hardest things for me about feeling anger, pain, sadness etc is that I know they're likely to be with me for a while, sometimes a long while, and it's hard to know what to do about that.

 

[Asterion]

Oh my god, you're definitely an enneagram 9w1 (though I choose to believe that wings don't matter much, if at all). You need to identify what you want and most importantly what you NEED, and release any anger to get what you want. Sometimes to obtain peace, you need to smash through the gates of hell and force the solution down peoples throats. I feel the same way about getting angry. I've had a few supervisors (and my Mother) who have absolutely lost it at me over the smallest things and it breaks me in half, I can feel the anger, but I hold it back. Their rage is completely illogical and unjustifiable to me, but I tell myself that I might be missing something. It turns out I was right, these people stress out and just can't control their anger, whether they're quitting smoking or feel they aren't in control and just randomly go nuts at me. I had every reason to go on a complete rampage, every time, I just can't bring myself to do it. Then little bits of passive aggressiveness seep through, and like you did, I end up giving them a taste of their own medicine or showing how much I was helping by not helping anymore. It seems like you have a better grasp of this than I do, you describe it well.

edit: maybe you're not a 9w1... hmmm