I appreciate your posts Silkroad - you say what's on your mind without trying to phrase it differently than you think it. Perhaps you might feel a little exposed afterwards, doing so, but it's pretty refreshing.
I do have a few things I would like to share with you regarding them, if that's OK.
If I say anything in a forthright Te kind of way, and you find it a bit offensive, I do apologize for that. It's my own lens that is rather hard to fully dispense of in my writing.
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Any therapist will tell you that when you're ready, you will come out. To be outed means you weren't ready.
Billie Jean King
It's something I tend to do when people are venting to me and I want to try to get them to think for themselves and to figure out what they need to do to change the situation. Apparently I can sound just like a therapist when I do this...
Therapy seldom involves trying to get people to think for themselves ... it involves opening them to a truth they often already know, but are blind to for any number of reasons. You don't go to therapy and the therapist holds all the answers after listening to you talk for a few sessions. They're not you, and are hopefully wise enough to recognize that their answer may not be your ideal solution. Being a therapist is more like being a guide to a
process, and yes, it can sometimes involve questions at the right time, but it's more about listening and guiding. Helping people see themselves clearly in the mirror rather than prying their eyes open to
your own reflection.
The quote above is a very wise way of saying this, I think.
I think that sometimes when I am really interested in someone and probing for more information I can ask difficult/blunt questions as well. I once asked a guy I'd just started dating why our mutual friend had called his ex-girlfriend a bimbo.
I recently said to someone else "You seem to be a bit into self-denial...are you sure you're not atoning for something?"
I think your interest in others is fabulous - yet your questions would be pretty offensive to a lot of ears ... intrusive actually, and there are so many more subtle ways to get to the same truth. Your use of the questions is not necessarily wrong, in the right context, but your confidence level should already be very, very high if you are going to use that kind of tactic to verify a truth that you suspect.
I would also suspect that people start to avoid being around you when you are this forward. More on that below ...
People usually tell me that they only found me scary when they first met me, which was probably mostly due to the six-foot-tall serious presence. Then they find me less serious and scary when they get to know me better. But I suspect that the difficult questions can be scary.
The difficult questions, as you call them, are actually rude questions. And sympathetically, I can be blunt at times myself, and know I am not exempt from the same protocols. If I am going to be blunt though, it's generally only after gentle probing yields nothing to reveal the obvious truth I sense AND even so, I am aware I ride the very fine line between blunt and rude in doing so. Perhaps it might be helpful considering this before you pursue your line of questioning. And, even if in the moment you don't alienate your conversation partner, you may find they drift off over time. It's a one-sided relationship and the power balance is off.
I have a weird feeling this is one reason I'm not very successful on the relationship front. I don't think most people want to be in a relationship with someone who asks difficult questions or, for that matter, tries to make them think for themselves.
An aside in the middle of the post: you have mentioned this phrase "think for themselves" a few times now. I am very curious as to what you mean exactly by that? Do you mean solve their own problems? Or examine their problems?
I suppose I tend to do this because I ask myself difficult questions. I don't see why others should be spared.
I suspect this is an INFJ tendency. Wanting to peel away layers, wanting to help others look into themselves and find what's best for them? That sounds a bit sanctimonious...I don't know, what do others think?
You have hit the nail on the head yourself here - it
is sanctimonious; it presumes you know what's better for them than they do for themselves. Your own lens distorts your ability to truly help them discover this. You believe you can insert yourself into their shoes, that your "read" on them is accurate and that your life experience and knowledge is sufficient to tell them how to "fix" things. It probably isn't most of the time. BUT, if you can help them find
their own answers, what a wonderful gift you can impart! It involves specifically NOT telling them what you think. Even if their conclusions end up eventually similar to your own, it's the difference between telling a person how to fish vs showing them how. A person can never truly own what they did not participate in obtaining.
And you need to avoid any ego gratification you receive in that whole process too - so what if people come to the same truth you already knew? You can be happy in your heart that you helped guide them to it and they had no clue how instrumental you were in the process. And a few wise ones, they'll know what you've done for them and will be so grateful for your gentle guidance.
It's not that I don't think people in relationships should ask difficult questions or be prepared to look at them; I just sincerely don't think most people like to be pushed or to examine themselves. Maybe it's cynical, but I haven't seen a great deal to contradict that. And I admitted that I can find it awkward to be asked questions requiring self-examination, myself. So from that perspective I can see how they feel. I tend to prefer affirmation, and I dare say many others do as well.
I do believe the operative word here is
pushed ... am interested to know why you place yourself in that role? Why do you need to place yourself there? Your own lens, again, distorts your view. We all have a lens, of course - but the Ni lens in particular lends you this weakness in believing that you are
right, your conclusions are right, and everyone else is either blind or in denial. This is naturally untrue, and I realize saying so bluntly may push on your Ti, but you have come to an erroneous conclusion here. You may find it helpful to formulate a world view, a paradigm, that has a built-in factor to accept a truth of others
that you may never truly see or understand. But is no less real.
It's just that if people choose to discuss certain things with me about their feelings or their experiences, I'm probably going to ask something a bit awkward at some point. It may be because they've talked to me at length about the same things over and over again, and I am frustrated and it seems to be going nowhere. It may also simply be an attempt to understand better what their experiences have been and where they're coming from. A lot of the time it tends to be "so, you said this is how you're feeling...is it anything to do with this, or is it something else? What do you think you might be able to do about it?"
Many people do not use their emotions in the same way as you. uumlau has illustrated two vantage points quite well here. Personally, if I were to share how I feel with you, it would have absolutely nothing to do with a.) you helping me find an answer to how I am feeling or b.) trying to influence you in any way with my emotional state. Try to remember that when people are blabbing on about how they feel. To presume they are looking for an answer is just that, presumptuous. And if you grow weary of people bending your sympathetic ear, you need to either extricate yourself gently or guide them gently to find their truth.
I don't think I've ever had anyone say "that's too personal" or "that's rude" or "what's your problem" or something like that. I have probably had "that's a weird question" quite a few times.
To respond that way to any of your blunt questions would feel rude to me. I could be that forward to a telemarketer maybe. If someone says you've asked a
weird question, it is probably because you have made them feel very uncomfortable or even somewhat offended, but don't want to be as equally blunt back to you.
But I have probably had some people open up to me more in the wake of such questions. So, it's not exactly that I get unpleasant or uncomfortable reactions on an obvious social level. It just makes me wonder how people perceive me. I don't think it's how a lot of people operate. And in terms of relationship potential, I just wonder if it's not how people operate generally. I did have a relationship with someone who basically told me straight out that he just wanted affirmation, but then again, he also told me basically straight out that he wanted a perfect relationship, so...
I personally would avoid you. No offense, but anyone who tries to get up in my grill and read me, watch me with intent on drawing conclusions about me, I just shut them out. With my mental mind ray powers.
If someone says they want affirmation, just a listening ear, why do you feel a need to scrutinize beyond that? No one is explicitly asking you to fix their problems. And I know, Te and Fe both have a hard, hard time not believing they are right and have the "best" answers to share. And maybe you do. But unless you ask to offer advice and are welcomed in doing so, you do run the risk of alienating or offending others.
It is just what it is.
People often seem quite happy to open up to me or they even push for it. Perhaps too much, as I realise increasingly that being cast in a therapist role is not a good idea (unless it's just occasionally, which is fine in a close friendship, relationship) as a general thing in any kind of relationship.
My advice, again, would be just don't go there unless invited. It can be as simple as that.
Yeah, I do like observing reactions in a way; though I don't think it involves playing games, where I'm concerned, or trying to mess with people's heads - I don't get off on that sort of thing at all. But I tend to have split reactions with people, in a way. I feel their emotions to an extent (often I think I genuinely do, sometimes I think I deceive myself into thinking I do), I feel for them over any pain they may be undergoing, I certainly want to help, but I'm also thinking "they're not at all self-aware - this is an interesting psychological study." That sort of thing. But maybe that's pretty common, I'm not sure.
Well, a lot of people
aren't self-aware, in the least. That is a fact. BUT, you're not elected, appointed or responsible in any way to make them so. Your judgements will be unwelcome in a wide array of venues. And I know you enjoy observing, but you can easily be "read" when you are in this state and this is exactly what I mean when I say I would block that level of presumption OUT.
I think another definite INFJ tendency I have is to prefer to help other people with their feelings and their problems than to open up my own feelings and problems to their gaze and their assistance or possible judgment. I have done it a fair amount but I'm probably becoming more wary and selective about how I do it and with who. I do get hurt by misunderstanding and what I may consider false judgments, and I am more reticent because of that. LIke I said, I find it not too difficult to examine myself closely and even judge myself fairly strongly and pinpoint where I need to change, but I can find it quite unpleasant when others do the same to me - even if - perhaps especially if - they're right. Mea culpa!
I call this the desire for control in a relationship and also this contains a wee bit of hypocrisy - I am sure you can see that. You want to be on a higher plane, and believe yourself to be on that plane even. It is a safer place to reside and I totally get that. And by all means, you have every right to be who you are, but in doing so, you just need to realize that to many eyes, you are being judgmental. This also ties into what I said above about the power imbalance. People feel like you want to have the power, to hold the trump card. People can sense this kind of stuff.
Your
awareness will be what makes the difference. You have a tremendous gift, and if you can avoid presumption, it can help so many people, including yourself.
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Again, if I have used any Te phrasing that grates on Ti ears, I sincerely apologize. I hope you can hear what I have said without reading in any negative intentions on my part, as there are none, and I have attached no emotions (aside from a desire to be helpful and enlightening) to what I have written.
Sending
.
I do this too. Responses are varied, but all are interesting and telling. Whistle-blowers are scary to everyone when they bring to light something uncovered - especially when they are bringing to light something the people "up top" aren't even aware of and ought to be. Another interesting project - find someone who feels dependent on you, but wishy washy in their attitude. You'll find this quite potent in people with daddy/mommy issues, who expect you to fill the roll of parent and child for them. Simply, and lightly patronize them and watch their inconsistencies cave in like Roman architecture without you to be there affirming what they want you to think as "consistent". You hardly have to engage at all. Never let your own prerogatives be caged by someone trying to pin you down, someone who sees your honesty as weakness. Honesty can sting, especially if you force them to be honest with themselves and learn the truth about themselves first-hand.
and go on life's tough journeys together. <-- that was probably the sappiest I've ever been in my life, btw.
Very true. A wise observation! 
Eventually it started to feel awkward and lopsided, because we talked about me and my problems so much more than we talked about her. And I'm really not good at drawing people out and making them feel comfortable and stuff, so I felt pretty lost. I ended up disappearing on her, which I regret, but there was a point at which I was tired of feeling self-centered and whiny and not giving anything back, and I just didn't know how to change things.
