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[INFP] INFP and sexual orientation

skillethelm

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Hey, new new poster here. (Nice to meet yall.) I know us INFPs tend to struggle with the idea of identity (do I ever know), so, just curious-- have many of us had the same kind of uncertainty about sexual orientation? I struggle with this a lot just 'cause I find so many people attractive in personality and I have that ingrained desire to find love :)workout:). I've read that a lot of us find it disconcertingly easy to relate to the idea of multiple personality disorder (and I have :| ), does that play any role in it for you?

Non-INFPs, share your thoughts too! Observations? Ideas, whatevs.

Or, if I'm being captain obvious, feel free to let me know that too. XD
 

JivinJeffJones

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I've never been remotely interested in having sex with dudes, but I've had some VERY close friendships with guys (bromances if you must) that made me wonder "is this normal?" I've come to the conclusion that it is normal -- for an infp male. I remember when one of my best friends got married I used to visit him and his wife (who'd been a good friend too) from time to time, when I remembered, and at one point she complained jokingly but not really that whenever I was there it was sort of like she was the visitor.
 

Rebe

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I am completely certain I am straight and have never been confused about my sexual orientation. I fully support gays/lesbians and their right to marriage. And if I was a lesbian, I'd be okay with it and if my children are gay, I'd be totally cool with it as well. For me personally, I like contrasts and I am extremely feminine. So I am very attracted to masculine guys, the more masculine the better. I have very close girl friends. I think some women are hot and there is some sexual desire, but I could never 'fall in love' with another woman. I am attracted to masculinity way too much, mentally and emotionally. It's okay to be confused/uncertain and just experience all that life has to offer. I think that's very smart instead of knowing there is doubt and beating yourself over it and trying to stuff yourself into a box. It happens to many people, not just infps, just let go and see where it takes you.
 

Totenkindly

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I've never been remotely interested in having sex with dudes, but I've had some VERY close friendships with guys (bromances if you must) that made me wonder "is this normal?" I've come to the conclusion that it is normal -- for an infp male.

That's funny. One of my best male friends is an INFP, he long had a reputation as a "metrosexual," and even though he's married with kids and never identified as gay, his most prominent male relationships could be labeled as "bromances" too and I was kind of amazed at the overtones there between guys who are not gay. He can joke about it and notes it himself, with some humor.
 

skillethelm

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I've never been remotely interested in having sex with dudes, but I've had some VERY close friendships with guys (bromances if you must) that made me wonder "is this normal?" I've come to the conclusion that it is normal -- for an infp male. I remember when one of my best friends got married I used to visit him and his wife (who'd been a good friend too) from time to time, when I remembered, and at one point she complained jokingly but not really that whenever I was there it was sort of like she was the visitor.

that's adorable, hahahaa! I love it!

I am completely certain I am straight and have never been confused about my sexual orientation. I fully support gays/lesbians and their right to marriage. And if I was a lesbian, I'd be okay with it and if my children are gay, I'd be totally cool with it as well. For me personally, I like contrasts and I am extremely feminine. So I am very attracted to masculine guys, the more masculine the better. I have very close girl friends. I think some women are hot and there is some sexual desire, but I could never 'fall in love' with another woman. I am attracted to masculinity way too much, mentally and emotionally. It's okay to be confused/uncertain and just experience all that life has to offer. I think that's very smart instead of knowing there is doubt and beating yourself over it and trying to stuff yourself into a box. It happens to many people, not just infps, just let go and see where it takes you.


I think what you described is ultimately where I'll find myself (and I've never found it to be a source of conflict or doubt, just uncertainty). It would probably be a quicker conclusion for me if I were someone who experimented a little more, but sexual contact/experimentation for its own sake is something I can't do.

Incidentally, a close ISFP friend often gets upset with me for what she sees as me 'judging' her for doing it, at which point I have to offer a typical 'I just have to let you know I wouldnt have done it myself' followed by 'I don't appreciate being called a slut.' / 'What? I didn't say that? You know I love you, yes? I think you're just an amazing person.' -- so many hurt feelings out of nowhere! lmao.
 

KDude

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I don't care either way if I'm more feminine or masculine, or if my partner was strongly one or the other, but I'd be heterosexual myself. I suppose biology dictates some things for me there. Both women with masculine or feminine qualities (at least, what society would deem masculine or feminine) can be attractive to me. I guess the attraction just comes down to something deeper about the person. I don't have multiple personality disorder. Fi to me is more about having an axis of conviction on which the identity spins upon. I can be confused or open in many subjects in life, but I have a hard time falling randomly or getting sucked into things to the point of losing myself. There's some kind of mental block there to keep me grounded.
 

JivinJeffJones

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That's funny. One of my best male friends is an INFP, he long had a reputation as a "metrosexual," and even though he's married with kids and never identified as gay, his most prominent male relationships could be labeled as "bromances" too and I was kind of amazed at the overtones there between guys who are not gay. He can joke about it and notes it himself, with some humor.

I've never been described as metrosexual, and I don't think there have been any "overtones" between me and any of my best friends (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's more that we're very close friends. Like twins or something, without the fighting and competitiveness. I guess the thing that made me wonder is that I've only really ever had one of these kinds of friends at a time. Best friend monogamy. But that kind of friendship is pretty high maintenance, not that it's a chore. And I am an introvert, so I only have so much friendship energy to expend. But thinking about it, even when I had other close friends I always knew who my best friend was, and he always took priority in loyalty conflict situations. So maybe there were overtones. :shrug:
 

KDude

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Yeah, not metrosexual here either. First, image wise, at this point in life, I doubt I care about how I come across any more than some balding middle manager in his 60s. When I was young, I tried a little. I was comfortable at first just having holes in my jeans. That is, until I got laughed at and realized that maybe I should try prepping up. So I'd borrow clothes from people, but the whole period spiraled into too much attention to it.. I started caring too much and got insecure about it. Forget that. I was better off where I was in the beginning.

As for metrosexual in the friendship sense.. not really either. I have one really good friend (whom I can't tell if he's ESFJ or some Fe heavy ESTP), and he's a lot more affectionate, once we sit around and just b.s. about life. He's more demonstrative and has a lot of cool things to say to me, but I've always been one to take things in more quietly. I feel kind of bad in a way for not feeding back in the same way he does (or with anyone like that). Nothing comes out that way. I doubt anyone would peg me as an F, the way it seems to be understood sometimes.
 

skillethelm

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Very interesting. :eek: So I'm curious, how old are you all, responders? I figure age would probably have a little to do with it. I had the most uncertainty on that front when I was 15/16 or so. Rather, I guess, I felt more compelled to be sure which gender I was attracted to back then. XD Now I'm fairly sure I'm into men, butmy affectionate responses to female friends get strong enough - and I'm dissociated enough from the act of sex - that I often convince myself I'd like to show my love in that way too.
 

Rebe

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I am 22, prime time to experiment if I was into it. It wasn't until recently that I am even sexually attracted to women. I am, sometimes, since nineteen or so because I was around a bunch of different very beautiful and smart women. I also could probably tell you my ideal type of woman, but I just prefer men as a choice by miles.
 

Totenkindly

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I've never been described as metrosexual, and I don't think there have been any "overtones" between me and any of my best friends (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Just to be clear, I meant more that there was emotional interplay far more typical of "female drama," than there was actual sexual interest between them. (One of the other guys was an ENFP, who was very macho and guyish and Type A, yet somehow emotionally seemed to have this touchy side more commonly seen in women.)


It's more that we're very close friends. Like twins or something, without the fighting and competitiveness. I guess the thing that made me wonder is that I've only really ever had one of these kinds of friends at a time. Best friend monogamy. But that kind of friendship is pretty high maintenance, not that it's a chore. And I am an introvert, so I only have so much friendship energy to expend. But thinking about it, even when I had other close friends I always knew who my best friend was, and he always took priority in loyalty conflict situations. So maybe there were overtones. :shrug:

I don't know. It does sound deeper/more like the kind of doting that more typically occurs between women, since many men seem to stay more n the surface and focus on what they do together rather than looking at the relationship as an entity onto itself.
 
G

Ginkgo

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My eyes glisten when I think about Clint Eastwood. The feelings don't seem to be mutual.

gran-torino-clint-eastwood.jpg
 

Phenix

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I call myself heteroflexible. It's taken me decades to reach this point. I am more naturally attracted to women, but as long as there is chemistry, why not?
 

Oaky

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INFP -> Identity crisis -> Unsure of sexual orientation?
Strange logic.
 
G

Ginkgo

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INFP -> Identity crisis -> Unsure of sexual orientation?
Strange logic.

Yeah it should be self-evident. My theory is that a person in this situation doesn't know what sexual orientation means.

I mean, even given being an INFP entails having an identity crisis, which it doesn't.
 

nolla

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I've never been remotely interested in having sex with dudes, but I've had some VERY close friendships with guys (bromances if you must) that made me wonder "is this normal?" I've come to the conclusion that it is normal -- for an infp male. I remember when one of my best friends got married I used to visit him and his wife (who'd been a good friend too) from time to time, when I remembered, and at one point she complained jokingly but not really that whenever I was there it was sort of like she was the visitor.

This sounds familiar to me. I would even say that I would have a lot more of these types of friends if most people weren't socially brought up to seeing this weird. What I mean is, I think that a friendship is meant to go a lot further than the unwritten rules will allow. This is why it is maybe easier for me to have close female friends. Then the question isn't "Is this gay", but it is more like "Is this attraction" which is an easier question to answer within this society. There is less freaking out, and more speculation about what is attraction anyway.

To OP. I'm sure I'm not gay, but I guess normal people would not be so sure of that.
 

Santosha

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I consider myself an ambivert, so I'll post.

I've never really questioned my sexuality. I like guys (alot) haha. But I have thought some other women, celebrities, etc. are drop dead gorgeous, and I've developed a fascination with beauty. Not Pam Anderson overtanned fake titted beauty... usually women who are just naturally beautiful. There have been more than a few times that my friends and I have ran around the house naked together getting ready for a party, lol.. and I've had the desire to *touch* and *see* other womens bodys. For instance, I like to touch a good set of breasts. Soft tissue, curvature, etc. I also like to touch soft skin, and the feel of hips or a back. Do I get off on it? No. Its more of a curiosity. A sense of appreciating beauty in all forms. When I was about 14, I wondered if this curiosity gave me some kind of bi-leanings.. but after a few experiments, it became evident that I would rather poke my eyes out than go down on another women ...ick! That is just me, I have zero qualm with people that are bi or gay. I think sexual orientation is pretty simple, primitive if you will. If you are questioning your preference, ask yourself this... beyond being close with another, and appreciating beauty, would it get you off to give head to a dude? Would you let it go further than that? Would you derive some pleasure and not just curiosity of the moment? If the answer is yes, then you probably have some bi-leanings...
 

Elfboy

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when I was younger, I was very confused about how anyone being honest with themselves could be confused about their sexuality. my theory (which I will not pretend is anyhting close to verifiable) is that it is more of a spectrum, with about 60% of people being completely straight, 5-10% of people being completely gay and the other 30-35% ranging from bi-curious to bisexual. let's say on a scale from 1-10, 1 is 100% straight, 10 is 100% gay, 2-3 is bicurious, 4-5 is slightly bisexual, 6-7 is bisexual and 8-9 is bisexual prefering same gender.
 

tkae.

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when I was younger, I was very confused about how anyone being honest with themselves could be confused about their sexuality. my theory (which I will not pretend is anyhting close to verifiable) is that it is more of a spectrum, with about 60% of people being completely straight, 5-10% of people being completely gay and the other 30-35% ranging from bi-curious to bisexual. let's say on a scale from 1-10, 1 is 100% straight, 10 is 100% gay, 2-3 is bicurious, 4-5 is slightly bisexual, 6-7 is bisexual and 8-9 is bisexual prefering same gender.

They actually have such a thing:

kinsey-scale.jpg


It's called the Kinsey Scale.

And you'd be extremely surprised as to how much more evenly the statistics are distributed across the board :yes:
 

Seymour

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They actually have such a thing:

kinsey-scale.jpg


It's called the Kinsey Scale.

And you'd be extremely surprised as to how much more evenly the statistics are distributed across the board :yes:


Here are some modern statistics (although keeping in mind how difficult it is to get accurate statistics on sexual orientation and same-sex behavior):

  • The Kinsey Institute Bibliography: Prevalence of Homosexuality
  • In an analysis of national survey results from 2006-2008, The percentage reporting their sexual identity as homosexual ranged from 2% to 4% of males, and about 1% to 2% of females. The percentage reporting their sexual identity as bisexual is between 1% and 3% of males, and 2% to 5% of females. (Chandra, Mosher, Copen, and Sionean 2011)
  • About 4%–6% of males ever had same-sex contact. For females, the percentage who have ever had same-sex contact ranges from about 4% ... to 11%–12%. (Chandra, Mosher, Copen, and Sionean 2011)
  • While about 7% of adult women and 8% of men identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, the proportion of individuals in the U.S. who have had same-gender sexual interactions at some point in their lives is higher. (NSSHB, 2010)
  • In a national survey, 90% of men aged 18-44 considered themselves to be heterosexual, 2.3% as homosexual, 1.8% as bisexual, and 3.9% as 'something else' (Mosher, Chandra, & Jones, 2005).
  • Among women aged 18-44 in the same survey, 90% said they were heterosexual, 1.3% homosexual, 2.8% bisexual, and 3.8% as 'something else' (Mosher, Chandra, & Jones, 2005).
  • The incidence rate of homosexual desire for men is 7.7% and 7.5% for women (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 6.2% of men and 4.4% of women are attracted to people of the same sex (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 4% of men and 2% of women consider themselves homosexual while 5% of men and 3% of women consider themselves bisexual (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • 88.2% of adolescent youths as a Minnesota junior/senior high school described himself or herself as heterosexual, while 1.1% described himself or herself as bisexual or homosexual, and 10.7% were not sure of their sexual orientation (Remafedi, 1992).

So, the overwhelming majority of people claim to be straight, and claim not to experience same sex attraction. That percentage might go down a bit in a more accepting culture, but I suspect there is a lower bound. Being 100% gay myself (and trying to function as a heterosexual for a number of years) I don't buy that everyone is really bisexual.

As far as INFPs go, I think there are a few things that can go on in US culture:

First, I think INFP men are much more emotionally oriented than the stereotypical American male, and look for a higher level of emotional closeness with their friends.

Secondly, I think the need to maintain status and the related fear of looking gay combine to stifle friendship for US men. This is particularly unfortunate, since close friendships is correlated to things like improved quality of live, a longer lifespan and stress resilience.

Thirdly, friendships can have a romantic (if non-sexual) element to them (as in Bromance).

So, I think the first two factors combine to make INFPs stand out as wanting unusual emotional closeness with their friends for current American culture. With the third factor, it can give those friendships the overtones of something more by the desiccated standards of current US male friendship.

While none of that is normally confusing for male INFPs (except insofar as feeling out of step with the surrounding culture) I suppose a subset of young, idealistic INFPs do tend to focus on the emotional aspects of relationships at the expense of an awareness of the sexual aspects. This could, in theory, lead to some confusion given the romantic tones that friendship can have. I have a hard time seeing such confusion surviving actual sexual interaction, though.
 
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