I apologize in advance that all my threads and posts ultimately talk about the same issues, so I'll try to go for advice for specific incidents this time
So, I've been with my INFP boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, most of the time long-distance. He is a PhD student who is severely depressed about his studies and tends to use his visits to Bangkok (where I live) as an escape.
Way before we even got into a relationship I told him I was unwilling to relocate, because I want to be around my parents and take care of them when they are old -- normal Chinese family stuff, and that he should really think about it. He simply jumped into it and said he would move to Bangkok and try to find a job here.
The first few times he was in Bangkok there were a lot of problems with the culture difference. He did not understand why I could not spend the night at his place, why I was not comfortable with PDA, why I had to spend time with my family sometimes, and so on. Right now things have gotten better, and he at least accepts how things are.
His visits last for 1-3 months each time. This is his fourth visit, and most of the time he still feels like a stranger in a strange land, because he has nothing to do during the day and just waits for me to get off work. I don't think this is healthy. I suggested signing up for classes -- maybe a language course so he can at least order food by himself. He said it would be too stressful. I suggested volunteering to teach English -- so at least he would be able to meet other teachers and maybe be friends with them. He said it was too stressful. I suggested maybe looking for a part-time job. No, too stressful. Or maybe scoping out the job market to see what is out there before he finishes his PhD so it would give him some idea (and a direction) on how to prepare himself. Nope.
Currently he spends most of his time alone surfing the internet, wandering around malls, going to the movies, watching TV. He is also depressed most of the time and stresses out about how much he hates his PhD and how he has no future and how he messed up his life and now everything sucks. He gets really happy when I show up and we go to dinner or hang out or play video games, but sinks back into depression and despair when he is alone.
Last night I had a breakdown because he was hating everything so much I felt like no matter what I did I could not make him happy. And he said he felt bad because it was like I "didn't like the way he acted" and that I "expected him to act a certain way" and was "trying to control" him.
In a way, yes, he was right. I would like him to be able to at least
try to be happy and try to work for the future and not having to call me at work and say, hey, I called this delivery place and they didn't understand me, can you call them and help me order my food, or being all dark and moody and keep asking me to take days off work to be with him and to get off work early. I would also appreciate less talk of suicide, where everything goes "The internet doesn't work. My life sucks and I want to die", "This place is freaking hot. I want to be home so bad. I messed up and I'm going down", "Everything's a scam. I hate life".
I also told him that I felt like he expected me to fix everything, and he said he never had that intention and seemed appalled by the idea. But what am I to do when he calls me with a problem? Say "good luck with that" and leave him to it? Sometimes it is a very simple thing, like the TV doesn't work, and I asked him if he tried looking behind the TV if the cables were connected -- and that fixed the problem in 10 seconds.
To be honest, I think I might have encouraged this problem, because the first time he was here I tried to get him settled and make him comfortable and I basically did everything for him. I know he's been going through a tough time so I am trying to be emotionally supportive -- but by doing this I might have been encouraging his dependence on me.
He also seems clueless about how the world works -- like how you have to work hard for the life you want, and if you choose a major that limits future work to only academic work, networking is very important so you just can't reject people and not go to social events.
I think the main problem is he is in flight mode. He just wants to escape, to keep his eyes closed until everything is ok, and to do whatever is 'easy' and hope that everything will turn out fine (while actually feeling extremely stressed about the situation). I asked multiple times if he wanted to see a therapist (because being a university student he had free access to counselors), and he said they would not be able to help him.
I've tried 'suggesting' things, and he is receptive and says "That's a good idea." but then does nothing.
A stronger 'nudge' then he says I don't like the way he is and am 'scolding' him.
How do I get the message across that if you want your life to work,
make it work, and, yes, it is going to be
difficult. I'm here to support you but I can't do everything. Please at least
try.
He is INFP 9w1 sp/sx if that makes a difference.
Thanks in advance.
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Is it shiny?
