[INFP] (patiently) ask an INFP!!1

[Betty Blue]

If she's anything like me, very. I don't initiate at first (and at second & third), but I will respond.

The first date went very well i think. She was very clear about wanting to take her time and not rush but also very clear in saying that she wanted to see me again.

Yes. If I don't like someone, then I will just tell them, usually sooner than later. Even my bouts with pity-dating were short; never past 2 dates. You should note that she is slowly warming up over time & see a difference with how she is with you compared to others. Nuances can be key. If she takes forever to call/email you back, then it may be because she is lost in some daydream world.

She did also say that she would tell someone straight away if she was not interested...but that she was interested. She said she wants to take her time to get to know me...does that sound about right?

I personally don't need a LOT of time, but it depends on what you mean by a lot. I suppose I'd expect no more than a week or two to go by before seeing someone again. I'd be up for seeing them much sooner though, especially if the first date went well. I do like a little notice so I can look my best, but I'm very spontaneous & flexible like your average P. If you want to see her again, just ask her. You can actually be really direct with INFPs; at least with me, I don't get hints. It also allows me to be direct in response, which can drag out how I really feel if I am being a coward.

Yeah this is what i'm not really sure about. The logistics are a bit difficult. She is living in Devon atm (about 130 miles away) and i know she dosn't have a lot of cash for travelling about. I met her two weeks ago and it seems like the second date (it seems it to me) might not be for another couple of weeks. Add to that that i can't travel to her and only have every other weekend free (but still have a large dog so can't go out of town for a night), plus she has to stay with a friend when she comes to London.
So it's all a bit tricky.

Being introverts, we sometimes do prefer more space between interactions with people. You're more likely to get frequent interactions if they are kept brief, but long interactions may be spaced out more (just to preserve our sanity).

Just after we first met she sent me several texts (basically saying she really liked me, wanted to see me again etc) and infact wanted to meet me the next day befor she took her train back home but i couldn't. She seems very spaced now, which is cool i'm just not really sure if this is going anywhere.

It just appears so. I admit I seem fickle, but it's more about me being moody. A Fi type's moodiness can be very detached from what is going on around them.
However, if it seems like it's outright mind games, then that's lame & shouldn't be tolerated. INFPs aren't angels; they can pull stupid antics also, so don't let one sideswipe you.

I didn't feel like that, but now i am wondering if i am just an egg in her basket as she seems to have cooled....taking longer to reply to texts a bit airy fairy when trying to make a plan. This is what i'm not really sure about. When i met her it was pretty electric although there was not even a kiss i did pick up on some strong vibes. I'm just not sure if i should persue it or leave it. What do you think now theres a little more info on the table?
And thank you, it's appreciated.

 

[Anew Leaf]

I have a question lady INFP's...
so it's about a girl...it's always a girl *sigh*
This patience thing...how patient do i have to be with an infp (romantically)?
I met a lovely infp girl, she's just a bit umm... slow to respond...is this normal?
Do you girls needs lots of time to plan meeting someone for the second time? And do you blow hot and cold or does it just appear so?
Thanks

I think it's pretty normal for us to blow a bit hot and cold. It's like we start blowing hot because we are all Fi -spazzy inside... and then suddenly we realize OMG this is happening! gah! And we close down because we don't know what to do.

Our natural defenses are Ne - which can be both warm and cold depending on how it's being used... and perhaps just a crinkle of Te somewhere in bits and pieces.

Part of it is this natural INFP tendency to start building dream castles in the sky with our beloved*:

"You can paint the turrets!!!" We triumphantly sing to you in the depths of our mind.

Meanwhile, back in Reality.... You're sitting there looking at the dessert menu and saying, hmm, want to share some pie?

*I can't tell you at what point you become our beloved because, if I tell you, THEY WILL KILL ME.

 

[Anew Leaf]

The first date went very well i think. She was very clear about wanting to take her time and not rush but also very clear in saying that she wanted to see me again.





She did also say that she would tell someone straight away if she was not interested...but that she was interested. She said she wants to take her time to get to know me...does that sound about right?






Yeah this is what i'm not really sure about. The logistics are a bit difficult. She is living in Devon atm (about 130 miles away) and i know she dosn't have a lot of cash for travelling about. I met her two weeks ago and it seems like the second date (it seems it to me) might not be for another couple of weeks. Add to that that i can't travel to her and only have every other weekend free (but still have a large dog so can't go out of town for a night), plus she has to stay with a friend when she comes to London.
So it's all a bit tricky.




Just after we first met she sent me several texts (basically saying she really liked me, wanted to see me again etc) and infact wanted to meet me the next day befor she took her train back home but i couldn't. She seems very spaced now, which is cool i'm just not really sure if this is going anywhere.





I didn't feel like that, but now i am wondering if i am just an egg in her basket as she seems to have cooled....taking longer to reply to texts a bit airy fairy when trying to make a plan. This is what i'm not really sure about. When i met her it was pretty electric although there was not even a kiss i did pick up on some strong vibes. I'm just not sure if i should persue it or leave it. What do you think now theres a little more info on the table?
And thank you, it's appreciated.

I feel like you are describing me when I was 18-24.

I think INFPs have a bad tendency to being in love with the idea of being in love.

Fi is a wonderful, vague, and ambiguous tool isn't it? It's kind of designed to be that way.... but it sucks for everyone involved when it's on high speed.

So it can either be that she isn't interested in you.... or her Fi is in high gear and she's trying to play cool and sedate while hiding her more tender emotions. They tend to look the same to the outsider... unbeknownst to us... who think, they know! they know I love them! yay!

 

[SRT]

Just after we first met she sent me several texts (basically saying she really liked me, wanted to see me again etc) and infact wanted to meet me the next day befor she took her train back home but i couldn't. She seems very spaced now, which is cool i'm just not really sure if this is going anywhere.

Nooo! Pursue! Pursue! Pursue! She wanted to see you the next day, I mean, that seems so obvious how into you she was. I think she's distant now because you turned her down (not your fault) and that made her "gunshy" about initiating or settling anything. Y'know, keep an eye out for other signs that she's stringing you along or isn't interested in you, but anything that seems like she's shy is probably just her being shy.

Go for it.

 

[Southern Kross]

Note that sometimes this avoidance can be pretty destructive; there was an incident in our relationship where I ended up being horribly, horribly hurt (which doesn't happen to me often) because the INFP had "vagafied" the request due to his discomfort/unwillingness to put himself out there, and I wasn't sure what I was agreeing to when I said yes. The misinformation it creates has the potential for being destructive, if one is not careful.

Yeah, we know this is making things difficult and I think most would totally acknowledge its our own fault. Just know its not meant as a personal offence; often we're just stuck in the habit of total self-reliance, and its not easy to switch this instinct off.

That makes sense. It makes me want to ask more questions about this idealism that finds itself so dissatisfied all the time, but I'm not sure what to ask. Again, it seems like a big difference between the INTP and INFP is detached structure vs personal ethics -- both are rational frameworks, but the INTP seems to try to dampen out internal valuing ("What is true regardless of how I feel about it?") whereas the INFP seems to focus on it ("What resonates most with me personally?"). as William mentioned, this means in a practical sense that Ti logic can usually be derived to the same conclusion in independent parallel thinking, whereas Fi logic really depends on the person evaluating things and might not often mirror anyone else with an Fi perspective.

Yes it is related to this.

To put it plainly: we simply care too much. Other types are more dismissive or philosophical about the unpleasant aspects of life, but we can't let it go - it wounds us more easily, more frequently and more deeply. After a while we get used to it and we learn to bear a lot more than most people can. Cynicism can be a real coping strategy. I naturally respond to my own idealism with a counterargument of sorts. I tend to mentally slap down every hopeful thought or feeling with a brutal dose of harsh reality. The reasoning being, if I learn to live with the worst case scenario (eg. "I can't trust anyone enough to be totally open") it means I'm not going to be disappointed or hurt (or that others won't be hurt, which can be just as painful to me). So we don't ask for the red sports car, even when we want it, because we tell ourselves a thousand reasons why it would be a bad idea; and in the end its just easier to go without. So you see, its never simply about the car and whether we want it or not. Additionally, sometimes there can be a foolish hope in our heads that someone will understand this and will magically fulfill that idealistic dream and solve all the problems surrounding it - and this is where we can inadvertently put pressure on our SO to be psychic. Of course ironically, all this can end up getting everyone more hurt, such as in your situation.

It sounds crazy, I know but this is the stuff that goes round and round our heads all day long.

An INFP becomes "More intense. I tend to lash out at people with great anger. I am blaming and accusatory. I get vicious 'Ben Hur'-type images with a lot of violent action. I feel cold, intolerant, uncaring, rigid, straitjacketed, focused.." "I snap at people and don't care about their reactions to this. I criticize people, especially about their incompetence. I generalize this to thinking that the whole world is incompetent and has screwed up values, and I stop caring about my own values," explained another INFP.

Oh dear, this is scary. It reminds me of my teenage years.

 

[Totenkindly]

I think the INFP would surround themselves brutally strong mislead henchmen and the henchmen would feel nurtured in some way
thinking harmony from buffy

Oh dear. That just makes me laugh.
it's like Dr. Evil but in reverse.

And... "I know we should be moving on to some stronger, more ambitious supervillain, if we want to get ahead... but Dr. CreamyPuff just makes me feel so good inside when I'm with him. Even when we fail with the plan and I feel guilty about the mistakes we made, he's always there with a kind word and a shot of encouragement."

 

[Rasofy]

I heard INFPs are really good at detecting lies, is that true?

I'd like to make use of the opportunity to clarify that when i keep a blank face hearing something that bothers you, it doesn't mean that I don't care, ok?

 

[Biaxident]

I heard INFPs are really good at detecting lies, is that true?

I'd like to make use of the opportunity to clarify that when i keep a blank face hearing something that bothers you, it doesn't mean that I don't care, ok?

Lie to my face, and find out.

S'ok.

 

[CrystalViolet]

^LOL.

 

[Anew Leaf]

I heard INFPs are really good at detecting lies, is that true?

I'd like to make use of the opportunity to clarify that when i keep a blank face hearing something that bothers you, it doesn't mean that I don't care, ok?

Yes. I am very good at detecting when people are trying to BS me. My problem has been that I used to not have confidence in this ability so if they would lie again and say no! I am not lying! I would believe them instead of saying, yeah right jerkface.

Now, I have gotten over that particular stumbling block.

And, it's good to know that about your blank face. It can be very alarming for our Fi to get a blank, unreadable, wall at times!

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think a bad INFP would be making more of a stir in their environment. If only because it isn't their usual behavior to do that. Interestingly, speaking of professors, there's an example in Naomi Quenk's book about an INFP professor who filled his department with dread (I'm not sure how exactly, but it basically illustrated that he appeared like an undeveloped ETJ). It wasn't secretive in his case. That story loosely reminded me of the kind of extreme I've gone through at one point (I was young and puberty didn't help either..so that isn't type related, I guess). There were a couple of years when I had some negative effect on people. To the point that some had "heard stories" - stories that were total lies. Like my bad side was convincing enough to have a life of it's own. Let alone be bad in it's own right. Fortunately, I grew out of it, but that period wasn't really a secret in my case either.

The way I see it also depends on environment. In some environments, Te may operate more impersonally or more brash than what others experienced in their environments. So you take in what you've seen of it. It could be a stark, "This is simply how the world works" brand of utility. It can be offensive (in our minds), and we shut it out or don't recognize it's positives until later in life. We see it in it's negative manifestations. Yet, if we fall back on it, we express it in the very negative ways that we view it.. or were affected by. I was not surprised after I read Quenk's book that IFPs kind of sounded like they had the most cynical and mean expression of their shadow:

An INFP becomes "More intense. I tend to lash out at people with great anger. I am blaming and accusatory. I get vicious 'Ben Hur'-type images with a lot of violent action. I feel cold, intolerant, uncaring, rigid, straitjacketed, focused.." "I snap at people and don't care about their reactions to this. I criticize people, especially about their incompetence. I generalize this to thinking that the whole world is incompetent and has screwed up values, and I stop caring about my own values," explained another INFP.

I see what you're saying & don't disagree....but would you agree that in the INFP's mind, their behavior is not overt or disruptive, so that they may not see or grasp why others view them as "evil"? They likely just feel reactive, and truly may be reactive, even if it seems they are on the offense because their reaction is an over-reaction & so it's hard to even spot the source of agitation. In that sense, their feeling is secret. To the INFP, they are just reacting & don't see that others don't see what it is they are reacting to, & so they don't make it known.

I even think the "more intense" description (which I can relate to in my bad times ) is something like a bad attitude & reactive lashing out, not pro-active steamrolling.

 

[KDude]

It depends on what's at stake, I think. I don't think it's necessarily type related, but I'd agree that lashing out isn't something they want to do or would instantly recourse to. Definitely not as a way of life or something.

Secondly, bad experiences or lessons would teach someone to not keep things inside for very long either.. It's not creative to repeat a mistake. And in some cases, passivity or holding things inside is not ideal. It's a mistake. I think at moments an INFP is going to draw upon at least wit to shine and overcome some frustrations.. but if backed in a corner, they could overreact too. I think all Ne types aren't adept enough with the kind of clear/directness of Se that they may feed back with over the top/jerky versions of it at times.

 

[Southern Kross]

Secondly, bad experiences or lessons would teach someone to not keep things inside for very long either.. It's not creative to repeat a mistake. And in some cases, passivity or holding things inside is not ideal. It's a mistake. I think at moments an INFP is going to draw upon at least wit to shine and overcome some frustrations.. but if backed in a corner, they could overreact too. I think all Ne types aren't adept enough with the kind of clear/directness of Se that they may feed back with over the top/jerky versions of it at times.

Yeah that's true. As I get older I'm more inclined to take a more active, outspoken approach. There's been too many times when I've been treated like crap and I stood there and took it, then later regretted it.

 

[Vasilisa]

Dear INFPs,

Please tell me about the best gifts you ever received. What made them so special? Thanks in advance.

 

[Ginkgo]

Dear INFPs,

Please tell me about the best gifts you ever received. What made them so special? Thanks in advance.

The best gift I ever received was a bundle: DVD of David Lynch's Dune, Psychological Types, and a few other things. In fact it was a series of gifts. It was special to me because it was the first time in my life I felt as though someone had tailored something to me personally with little impetus from me. I felt loved and within arm's reach of the other person. I felt familiar. Unfortunately, it was likely the case that the lack of impetus from me was the impetus.

The second most cherished gift I received was a jar of mayonnaise for my 16th birthday. I hated mayonnaise, but it was so bizarre that it managed to let down the draw bridge. Lol.

 

[OrangeAppled]

It depends on what's at stake, I think. I don't think it's necessarily type related, but I'd agree that lashing out isn't something they want to do or would instantly recourse to. Definitely not as a way of life or something.

Secondly, bad experiences or lessons would teach someone to not keep things inside for very long either.. It's not creative to repeat a mistake. And in some cases, passivity or holding things inside is not ideal. It's a mistake. I think at moments an INFP is going to draw upon at least wit to shine and overcome some frustrations.. but if backed in a corner, they could overreact too. I think all Ne types aren't adept enough with the kind of clear/directness of Se that they may feed back with over the top/jerky versions of it at times.

But what you're describing here is mostly positive behavior. We were discussing evil INFPs, not assertive, emotionally healthy INFPs standing up for valid reasons. An INFP villain is either going to be passively evil or overreact in some self-righteous way, IMO. The latter is not very entertaining or effective as painting a character as evil, as it's often too easy to sympathize with.

Dear INFPs,

Please tell me about the best gifts you ever received. What made them so special? Thanks in advance.

A car when I graduated HS. Hey, it was my first car; hard to beat that.

My ISFJ mom bought me 5 lbs weights once, which was mainly cool because she remembered a random, passing comment I made about wanting some weights. I've noticed ISFJs can be really good about remembering those little comments when it comes to gifts.

An ENFJ family friend bought me the dishes I really wanted for a housewarming gift when I first ventured out onto my own. I love when people stick to the registry/wishlist - I signed up for those items for a reason, cuz I want 'em!

I can't think of too many other gifts that have stuck with me as "special". I like useful stuff honestly, as the fun stuff is hard to buy for me. My bf once bought me flowers & new dish towels in a variety of colors, which was sweet because I needed them & he knows I like bright colors. I have very specific taste when it comes to music, clothes, books, etc, though.... you'd have to know me really well & know what I have already, or really pay attention to my offhand comments. The only people who usually do that successfully are my mom & sister because they've known me my whole life.

 

[KDude]

But what you're describing here is mostly positive behavior. We were discussing evil INFPs, not assertive, emotionally healthy INFPs standing up for valid reasons. An INFP villain is either going to be passively evil or overreact in some self-righteous way, IMO. The latter is not very entertaining or effective as painting a character as evil, as it's often too easy to sympathize with.

I totally forgot we were talking about villains..

I sent you a rep, but I thought I'd express a point I made to you out in the open..

I don't think I'm alone in this, but I think our usual idea of villainy is probably removed from the norm. It's come to my attention that an INFP can feel like a villain for things that no one seemingly cares about. Some of us may be so ideal that you never see them stir up a situation at all. I sometimes feel bad or at least second guess myself even for standing up for good reasons sometimes.. Especially whether I'm doing it in the right way or if I took the ideal approach. Even when people who care tell me it's cool or think I'm being hard on myself. I also dislike it if friends reminisce too much and emphasize these episodes about me. I don't think it's that great. Sometimes I don't think they see the big picture. And then sometimes, I think I'm making too much of it.

Anyhow, with all this mind, yeah, I doubt you'll see many INFP villains.

 

[CrystalViolet]

Moar cute pictures!!!
I want some squee!

 

[Anna intuitive]

offerings



I have proffered a number of offerings to placate the master of this thread because I am an old and tired and confused rabbit.

What happened to my pics? This is all too hard...

 

[Southern Kross]

Moar cute pictures!!!
I want some squee!

I don't know about squee-worthy (I'm not so good with squee) but: