• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFJ] Advice regarding ENFJs from ENFJs

nomoreshallwepart

New member
Joined
Aug 12, 2011
Messages
30
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Do you guys see INFJs as ideal partner or are there co-dependent tendencies?

In light of other questions, do you guys put friends above your partner much?
 

You

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2010
Messages
2,124
MBTI Type
entp
Enneagram
7w8
How different are you from ESFJs?
 
H

Hate

Guest
Do you guys see INFJs as ideal partner or are there co-dependent tendencies?

Generally speaking, I would have to say that INFJs would be last on my list for my ideal match. They've always been a little too reserved/delicate for me. If I had to choose a type as an ideal partner it would be ENxPs.

Edit: I probably should also add that the vibe with INFJs has always felt more brother/sister like for me, so that plays a part as well.

In light of other questions, do you guys put friends above your partner much?

From what I've been reading about other ENFJs, apparently they often do this, but I don't really operate that way, my partner usually comes first.

How different are you from ESFJs?

As different as night and day.
 

cranez

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2011
Messages
60
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Do you guys see INFJs as ideal partner or are there co-dependent tendencies?

One of my best friends is an INFJ. Although she is incredibly sweet and genuine - she can be flighty and overly emotional. If she feels threatened she'll either A. Explode on me or B. She'll hide disappear. Both are equally annoying and I find our relationship as friends very on and off. I couldn't tolerate this in a romantic relationship, honestly.

Luckily for us, we've known each other for so long that we naturally gravitate towards each other and LOVE one another's company. :D

In light of other questions, do you guys put friends above your partner much?

I try my best not to. If I am out with friends I try to keep the line of communication open between my partner and I. Let them know they can call or text me anytime they need me.

If they are with me, I always keep physical contact. The touch of a hand or a poke here and there. I will try and convince my partner to engage my friends as much as possible because I want them to feel included.

If I feel that my partner in anyway may be faltering due to neglect - I'll make sure to overwhelm them again with my affection. :) Just to make up for my scatter brained social butterfly / extroverted ways...yeah. :)
 

Sparrow

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Do you guys see INFJs as ideal partner or are there co-dependent tendencies?

In light of other questions, do you guys put friends above your partner much?

I have never dated an INFJ, but I would like too if I am ever single again!

As for your 2nd question, my partner is usually number 1 for the most part. But if I want to hang out with my friends I wouldn't let him hold me back from doing what I want :). I hang out with my man more though <3.
 

nomoreshallwepart

New member
Joined
Aug 12, 2011
Messages
30
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
One of my best friends is an INFJ. Although she is incredibly sweet and genuine - she can be flighty and overly emotional. If she feels threatened she'll either A. Explode on me or B. She'll hide disappear. Both are equally annoying and I find our relationship as friends very on and off. I couldn't tolerate this in a romantic relationship, honestly.

Luckily for us, we've known each other for so long that we naturally gravitate towards each other and LOVE one another's company. :D



I try my best not to. If I am out with friends I try to keep the line of communication open between my partner and I. Let them know they can call or text me anytime they need me.

If they are with me, I always keep physical contact. The touch of a hand or a poke here and there. I will try and convince my partner to engage my friends as much as possible because I want them to feel included.

If I feel that my partner in anyway may be faltering due to neglect - I'll make sure to overwhelm them again with my affection. :) Just to make up for my scatter brained social butterfly / extroverted ways...yeah. :)

Your friend sounds a bit more INFP-ish than me, maybe the J% isn't so high? That's not to say I wouldn't act like that at times but those are like the things I'd think about doing but not carrying out.

You sound like a very considerate partner from the last part, I guess it is that kind of thing which makes relationships work.
sparrow said:
I have never dated an INFJ, but I would like too if I am ever single again!

As for your 2nd question, my partner is usually number 1 for the most part. But if I want to hang out with my friends I wouldn't let him hold me back from doing what I want . I hang out with my man more though <3.

That sounds about right!
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
INFJ
Why are you guys so damned awesome? <3 ENFJs *MUAH*
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
INFJ
Do you guys see INFJs as ideal partner or are there co-dependent tendencies?

In light of other questions, do you guys put friends above your partner much?

Take heart, my gf is an ENFJ and she has been the best partner I ever had, sure we have our clashes here and there but we learn from each other and we add to each other. Whereas I can be reserved and moody and deep, I anchor her, she relies on my intensity and quiet strength, whereas she can be flirty, social, and forgetful, she pulls me out of my internal world and forces me to FEEL things, I rely on her energy and grace to make me a better person and to attach to the world around me. My Fe is generally dead as it is, and hers is in hyperdrive... we mend each others wounds, its like a symphony.
 
D

Dali

Guest
I've had my ups and downs with my ENFJ, a bit of it documented here, but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else right now. It's going great. :)

I do have a couple of questions though:

1. Many a time, my ENFJ has brought up this issue of them feeling that I'm not 'open enough' and how it sometimes comes off as though I'm 'hiding something'. We've had one or two (or three) fights over that. We've had instances where they've met an old flame or found out some detail from my past or something I had recently undertaken and we had a tiff over that because they had not heard of it before and they didn't like how it 'came as a surprise'.

I'm confused; I've been more exposed and more vulnerable with them than I have with anyone.. How can I be more open? What things should I be more open about? Should I talk about my workday every day and stuff like that? Are there different Fi/Fe understandings of what openness constitutes?

2. My ENFJ has this pal Q who is just... evil. He's a close pal and a work colleague of theirs and my ENFJ really likes him and holds him in very high esteem. I really don't know why; something seemed off to me about him from the day I met him but I've kept my opinion to myself and have been polite for my S/O's sake. He's told my ENFJ, offhandedly, fabrications about me that have caused ENFJ & I to fall out twice in the time we've been together but each time we've managed to smooth things over. I'm at the end of my tether when it comes to Q. I can't imagine what his motivations are (all my s/o's other close pals really, really like me and they've told me as much) but it frustrates me how an interloper could create that much drama. What should I do about Q? Should I confront him myself? Really not my style but, if it has to come to that.... (p.s. Q is also ENFJ, FWIW)

3. Sometimes, during private moments, my s/o talks about their love for me with such intensity that they start crying... I'm left speechless and just silently hold them. I become emotional myself, experiencing the intensity of my feelings on the inside though I'm pretty sure that, on the outside, I look blank. That's how I am but... I feel like it's not enough, like I should be more verbally demonstrative. What are your love languages as an ENFJ? (I never realised until now how different Dom-Fi and Dom-Fe were. I mean, I've known they were different but I never realised till I started dating my s/o just how different they were)
 

Sparrow

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I've had my ups and downs with my ENFJ, a bit of it documented here, but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else right now. It's going great. :)

That's great, I am so happy for you :)!

1. Many a time, my ENFJ has brought up this issue of them feeling that I'm not 'open enough' and how it sometimes comes off as though I'm 'hiding something'. We've had one or two (or three) fights over that. We've had instances where they've met an old flame or found out some detail from my past or something I had recently undertaken and we had a tiff over that because they had not heard of it before and they didn't like how it 'came as a surprise'. I'm confused; I've been more exposed and more vulnerable with them than I have with anyone.. How can I be more open?

What things should I be more open about? Should I talk about my workday every day and stuff like that? Are there different Fi/Fe understandings of what openness constitutes?

It's silly that she would get mad at you for that, I don't know what else to say. Maybe next time she gets mad at you for that, tell her that the fling with so and so was insignificant so you didn't think it was even worth it to bring up, or you forgot about it :). Be sure to apologize and and say it sweetly lol!!!

You guys are a partnership so just keep that in mind :), if anything new that is significant happens in your life your ENFJ would love to hear about it and wants to support you! <3

2. My ENFJ has this pal Q who is just... evil. He's a close pal and a work colleague of theirs and my ENFJ really likes him and holds him in very high esteem. I really don't know why; something seemed off to me about him from the day I met him but I've kept my opinion to myself and have been polite for my S/O's sake. He's told my ENFJ, offhandedly, fabrications about me that have caused ENFJ & I to fall out twice in the time we've been together but each time we've managed to smooth things over. I'm at the end of my tether when it comes to Q. I can't imagine what his motivations are (all my s/o's other close pals really, really like me and they've told me as much) but it frustrates me how an interloper could create that much drama. What should I do about Q? Should I confront him myself? Really not my style but, if it has to come to that.... (p.s. Q is also ENFJ, FWIW)

I have dealt with this with my boyfriend. I had a really good friend who was like a home girl to me! Anyway, he was really annoyed by our relationship. At first I was against dropping a some one I thought of as a friend, but later I found out that "my friend" actually had feelings for me. I do have other guy friends that my man is okay with (its not like he is super jealous all the time)...it was just that one dude that weirded him out.

My SO has friends of the opposite sex too and I don't mind them at all, BUT there was one that rubbed me the wrong way. Guess what - I let him know how strongly I felt about the whole thing. I asked him if he could change his phone number and cease all contact....and he did :)! Your lady should put herself in your shoes...how would she feel if some chick from work (that she had a weird feeling about) was close with you and causing problems between the two of you? I bet she wouldn't like it!

3. Sometimes, during private moments, my s/o talks about their love for me with such intensity that they start crying... I'm left speechless and just silently hold them. I become emotional myself, experiencing the intensity of my feelings on the inside though I'm pretty sure that, on the outside, I look blank. That's how I am but... I feel like it's not enough, like I should be more verbally demonstrative. What are your love languages as an ENFJ? (I never realised until now how different Dom-Fi and Dom-Fe were. I mean, I've known they were different but I never realised till I started dating my s/o just how different they were)

The way that I receive love is by Words of Affirmation and Quality Time <3. Maybe you two should take the 5 Love Languages test together, it might be a fun exercise <3! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/.

I had my boyfriend take the test and found out that his style of giving love is by Acts of Service! His way of receiving love is through Words of Affirmation. Now I understand why he used to get upset when I didn't praise enough him for cleaning! I get it now so I make sure to give him super warm praise. I didn't realize he was doing those things for me lol!

Definitions of the 5 languages of love from the website posted above :wubbie::

*
Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
*
Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
*
Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
*
Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
*
Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

 

nomoreshallwepart

New member
Joined
Aug 12, 2011
Messages
30
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Take heart, my gf is an ENFJ and she has been the best partner I ever had, sure we have our clashes here and there but we learn from each other and we add to each other. Whereas I can be reserved and moody and deep, I anchor her, she relies on my intensity and quiet strength, whereas she can be flirty, social, and forgetful, she pulls me out of my internal world and forces me to FEEL things, I rely on her energy and grace to make me a better person and to attach to the world around me. My Fe is generally dead as it is, and hers is in hyperdrive... we mend each others wounds, its like a symphony.

That's a lovely thing to hear.
 

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I've had my ups and downs with my ENFJ, a bit of it documented here, but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else right now. It's going great. :)

I do have a couple of questions though:

1. Many a time, my ENFJ has brought up this issue of them feeling that I'm not 'open enough' and how it sometimes comes off as though I'm 'hiding something'. We've had one or two (or three) fights over that. We've had instances where they've met an old flame or found out some detail from my past or something I had recently undertaken and we had a tiff over that because they had not heard of it before and they didn't like how it 'came as a surprise'.

I'm confused; I've been more exposed and more vulnerable with them than I have with anyone.. How can I be more open? What things should I be more open about? Should I talk about my workday every day and stuff like that? Are there different Fi/Fe understandings of what openness constitutes?

2. My ENFJ has this pal Q who is just... evil. He's a close pal and a work colleague of theirs and my ENFJ really likes him and holds him in very high esteem. I really don't know why; something seemed off to me about him from the day I met him but I've kept my opinion to myself and have been polite for my S/O's sake. He's told my ENFJ, offhandedly, fabrications about me that have caused ENFJ & I to fall out twice in the time we've been together but each time we've managed to smooth things over. I'm at the end of my tether when it comes to Q. I can't imagine what his motivations are (all my s/o's other close pals really, really like me and they've told me as much) but it frustrates me how an interloper could create that much drama. What should I do about Q? Should I confront him myself? Really not my style but, if it has to come to that.... (p.s. Q is also ENFJ, FWIW)

3. Sometimes, during private moments, my s/o talks about their love for me with such intensity that they start crying... I'm left speechless and just silently hold them. I become emotional myself, experiencing the intensity of my feelings on the inside though I'm pretty sure that, on the outside, I look blank. That's how I am but... I feel like it's not enough, like I should be more verbally demonstrative. What are your love languages as an ENFJ? (I never realised until now how different Dom-Fi and Dom-Fe were. I mean, I've known they were different but I never realised till I started dating my s/o just how different they were)

In regards to the evil Q - the only time this happened to us involved a guy who had feelings for the guy I was dating. It took him a long time to figure out what was going on because of course he just thought the guy thought of him as a friend.
 

You

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2010
Messages
2,124
MBTI Type
entp
Enneagram
7w8
That doesn't answer my question.
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
4w5
How different are you from ESFJs?
I wouldn't say I know a ton about them, but I do think our motivations come across as very similar, even though they feel miles apart to us. Both being Fe dom can make us both the sort that wants to help and instruct the betterment of others, but I find that the ESFJ way is more related to the social norms and traditional way of doing things, opposed to really assessing the individual and the social norms equally. When I've heard of people's interactions with ESFJs (or witnessed them) they tend to have very generic expectations. A sort of "Do this because this is normal" opposed to a "Do this because this best suits you"
Both can be overbearing in ways or feel domineering, depending on the ESFJ/ENFJ pushing it, but to me it feels like they are doing it wrong.

I call them the steamrollers. Even though ENFJs have the potential to emotional steamroll, I don't think we are typically inherent steamrollers. The lack of Ni might not do them any favors in regard to knowing when not to steamroll.
Can others always see the differences? Maybe not offhand, but I'd say the sensing vs intuitive can make a world of difference in relatability. However, maybe ESFJs are cooler to other sensing types like I feel ENFJs are probably cooler to other intuitive types.
 
Top