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[INFJ] INFJs and Older Men

Rationista

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Feb 28, 2011
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So I was having a discussion with some friends of mine today about older men vs. younger men. I typically prefer older men over men who are my age or younger. I'm completely aware of the fact that there is variation in emotional development and overall maturity no matter how old one is. However, I do find that if a man possesses that certain masculine maturity that I quite admire, he's typically over 40. Now, I've met some 50 year olds that haven't developed that level of depth of complexity and probably never will. But there seems to be a point in a man's life where he really comes into his own and develops a more quiet, understated maturity. I don't know if you guys just get tired of puffing your chests out all the time and start to show your true self, or you just get to know and like yourself better (maybe a combo). Whatever it is, I find it wildly attractive. I can't quite pin point what it is, but I know it when I see it in a man. This is why I find myself almost invariably attracted to older men, or rather men who are not age appropriate for me...

Also, it's men like this that just seem to get me. They appreciate me like my female friends do. I get along with my guy friends swimmingly, but most of them don't appreciate me the way my girlfriends do. I'm not trying to knock on younger men. I love you guys, and you always laugh at my retarded, warped sense of humor. However when it comes to romantic attraction, it's the older men for me. Anyone else identify?
 

Fidelia

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I dated someone 13 years older and the guy I nearly went out with before that was 14 years older. It's really not that I want to be with someone who is over a decade older than me. I can see how it may be comfortable now, but it is difficult when he retires or as his health fails - kind of like having two old ages. It also makes it unlikely that we would ever have kids. I'm not even sure if I am interested in having kids, but I would prefer for it not to be ruled out as an option and to do so in good conscience, I think both parents need to be there to see them through to young adulthood. One caution I've discovered is that while a man may have had more time to mature by then, he has also had more time to employ poor coping mechanisms or been in relationships that have broken his sense of trust. At the same time, he has often found more attractive ways of hiding/coping with his insecurities, so they are less apparent at the beginning. Seeing a person in a variety of settings over a period of time tends to help determine what a person is really like, but it's difficult for that to be determined before you become emotionally entangled.

On the other hand, many men my age are either in the throes of dealing with raising children from past relationships, or they are not interested in growing up and taking on responsibilities - still deciding what they want to do one day, staying up half the night playing video games etc. Sometimes I've found that older guys may be more likely to pursue interests and hobbies that make them fascinating and fun people to be around because they did not grow up in the computer/video games/DVD/MP3 era. I like the skills that older men have had time to amass, they usually have had more time to figure themselves and others out and learn to communicate more effectively, and they also tend to have a somewhat different outlook on work and some values because they grew up in a different era. They tend not to have bought into the philosophy that debt is completely inevitable, coming with $60 000 worth of student loans, big car payments, furniture on credit etc. I have been careful to stay out of debt and have seen my siblings take on a crushing load of it because of their spouses. I'm not looking for someone who will just support me, but I would like someone who could be a real partner and offer resources similar to what I am able to so that we have a comparable amount of power in the relationship.

In the final analysis, I am not sure. I certainly feel the appeal, and at the age I'm at (34) find that often men that are single are either significantly younger than me, they are single parents and I'm not sure I want to raise someone else's kids, or else they are significantly older than me. I like having men for friends, and that being the case, it primarily leaves the third option. My cousin married a guy 10 years older than her, but even at 45 and 55, I think she feels strongly that a decade would be the max anyone should consider. I've been close to people with quite a bit larger of an age gap - one person is now caring for her husband with Alzheimer's even though she's still young enough to want to travel etc and another ended up divorcing her husband because the age gap became a bigger and bigger issue (I think she was about 50 and he was 75 at the time). On the other hand, Woodwoman had a huge age gap with her husband and loved him right to the end. Who knows?
 

cascadeco

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In my early to mid 20's I dated men older than myself - by 8 yrs, 5 yrs, and then 11 yrs. After the 11-yr one, I decided that was too much - for me, at least. haha. So I started wanting to be with someone closer to my age. This also coincided with my being close to 30 by that point, and lifestyle-wise, being 30 and dating a 40 year-old is rather different from being 23 and dating a 31 year old. ;) [I'll be 33 this summer]

But yes, completely relate to, especially while in my 20's, relating more to men in their 30's than guys who were my own age.

Now, however, I'm in a relationship with someone who is not only 4 years younger than I, but someone who is also incredibly responsible and mature. He's.. :wubbie: :heart: We're on the same wavelength mentally, and also physically/lifestyle/where we're at in life. So for me, the Older-Guy thing dissipated once I entered my 30's.
 

Rationista

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Feb 28, 2011
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One caution I've discovered is that while a man may have had more time to mature by then, he has also had more time to employ poor coping mechanisms or been in relationships that have broken his sense of trust. At the same time, he has often found more attractive ways of hiding/coping with his insecurities, so they are less apparent at the beginning. Seeing a person in a variety of settings over a period of time tends to help determine what a person is really like, but it's difficult for that to be determined before you become emotionally entangled.

This is something I haven't considered thoroughly. We do learn to preen ourselves, so to speak, much more efficiently as we age do we not? At times I wish I could sequester my emotions in a safe spot before engaging them in a lost cause. On the other hand, I wouldn't trade all of the knowledge I've gained (mostly about myself) from past relationships and the difficulties they've caused.

I like the skills that older men have had time to amass, they usually have had more time to figure themselves and others out and learn to communicate more effectively, and they also tend to have a somewhat different outlook on work and some values because they grew up in a different era.

Yes. Older men certainly express themselves much better. I know too well what it's like to be with someone who was not only unable to express himself well, but he didn't know why he was angry half the time. It was maddening. And trying to explain myself was like talking to a wall. This is an extreme case as we are talking about someone who was BPD and didn't develop emotionally passed late adolescence. Anyway, I enjoy talking to people who were born in older generations. They generally express themselves well, and they often times place the same value on self-sufficiency as I do.

I certainly feel the appeal, and at the age I'm at (34) find that often men that are single are either significantly younger than me, they are single parents and I'm not sure I want to raise someone else's kids, or else they are significantly older than me.

I'm 30 years old now and find myself in a similar situation. Among the three categories you mentioned, the "significantly older than me" crowd are the most appealing. I'm actually finding myself developing feelings for someone possibly in their late 40s, early 50s. I know it can't possibly go anywhere. I quite agree with your cousin that dating someone even ten years older than me would be pushing it. Ugh, I don't know either. I'm still sussing things out and needed to vent a little.

Thanks, Fidelia. Your insights are sobering yet comforting.
 

Rationista

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In my early to mid 20's I dated men older than myself - by 8 yrs, 5 yrs, and then 11 yrs. After the 11-yr one, I decided that was too much - for me, at least. haha. So I started wanting to be with someone closer to my age. This also coincided with my being close to 30 by that point, and lifestyle-wise, being 30 and dating a 40 year-old is rather different from being 23 and dating a 31 year old. ;) [I'll be 33 this summer]

But yes, completely relate to, especially while in my 20's, relating more to men in their 30's than guys who were my own age.

Now, however, I'm in a relationship with someone who is not only 4 years younger than I, but someone who is also incredibly responsible and mature. He's.. :wubbie: :heart: We're on the same wavelength mentally, and also physically/lifestyle/where we're at in life. So for me, the Older-Guy thing dissipated once I entered my 30's.

That's awesome. I'm glad you found someone so compatible and four years younger to boot! Once I entered my 30's (last year) I was kind of hoping my "older-guy thing" would dissipate as well. I'm still waiting on the leveling effect that my 30s are promising me.
 

tibby

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Well, yea, I can relate to that. Um. I don't really know what it is. Or has been. Age doesn't really matter to me. Emotional maturity does.

I laughed out loud when I read the topic though... My INFJ girl friend is currently married to a guy 40 years older than her.
 

Quay

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In my early to mid 20's I dated men older than myself - by 8 yrs, 5 yrs, and then 11 yrs. After the 11-yr one, I decided that was too much - for me, at least. haha. So I started wanting to be with someone closer to my age. This also coincided with my being close to 30 by that point, and lifestyle-wise, being 30 and dating a 40 year-old is rather different from being 23 and dating a 31 year old. ;) [I'll be 33 this summer]

But yes, completely relate to, especially while in my 20's, relating more to men in their 30's than guys who were my own age.

Now, however, I'm in a relationship with someone who is not only 4 years younger than I, but someone who is also incredibly responsible and mature. He's.. :wubbie: :heart: We're on the same wavelength mentally, and also physically/lifestyle/where we're at in life. So for me, the Older-Guy thing dissipated once I entered my 30's.

Exactly my story...well almost, except he's 3 years younger, and I find his energy level very refreshing..

One caution I've discovered is that while a man may have had more time to mature by then, he has also had more time to employ poor coping mechanisms or been in relationships that have broken his sense of trust. At the same time, he has often found more attractive ways of hiding/coping with his insecurities, so they are less apparent at the beginning. Seeing a person in a variety of settings over a period of time tends to help determine what a person is really like, but it's difficult for that to be determined before you become emotionally entangled.

Ugh so true.
 
S

Sniffles

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FWIW, I've often found myself more attracted to women who were usually around 5 years or so older than me.
 

SilkRoad

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I'm 30 years old now and find myself in a similar situation. Among the three categories you mentioned, the "significantly older than me" crowd are the most appealing. I'm actually finding myself developing feelings for someone possibly in their late 40s, early 50s. I know it can't possibly go anywhere. I quite agree with your cousin that dating someone even ten years older than me would be pushing it. Ugh, I don't know either. I'm still sussing things out and needed to vent a little.

I'm the same age as you, and I am kind of curious about your situation - up to you if you feel like sharing more, of course. For instance, how do you know it can't go anywhere with this guy - is that in terms of the age thing or are there other factors at work?

I've never exactly had an "older guy thing"; well, a lot of the celebrities I've had crushes on have tended to be in the "at least twenty years older" range, but I usually appreciated pics of them when they were younger, too. ;)

Mostly I wouldn't have seen myself interested in anyone more than ten years older, though that I could have seen fairly easily, or at least eight. Life can take you off guard though...I did date a guy four years younger than myself, when I was 24 and he was 20, and I would NEVER have seen that happening. Didn't work out well - I think I'd be a bit wary of several years younger even now that I'm 31. But then, you do just have to look at the individual. But in real life most of the men I've been either interested in or involved with have been either right around the same age as me, or about 6-7 years older - as well as the four years younger guy, which was definitely an exception.

I did have a major crush on a man 14 years older than me in recent months, which I thought had a decent chance of being reciprocated - brought to a rather painful end when he told me he'd started seeing someone else. Turned out she was only a couple of years older than me, which didn't make me feel much better either. (There are a few threads floating around that I've started either directly or indirectly related to this guy!).

In terms of what was very appealing, some of which has been touched on already: he had a wide range of interests and was self-made in terms of employment and education; funny and charming; more gentlemanly and helpful than most guys my age I know; comes across very confident; very hard working and motivated; genuinely very responsible and a loyal friend; etc. The fact that he's handsome and doesn't look more than 38-40 didn't hurt either.

Less appealing: seemed to have some hangups in terms of disparities between our educational levels and social class backgrounds, and general insecurities in such areas (I think the confidence was partly in aid of hiding some significant insecurities); similarly, somewhat hung up on how "old" he was getting (while clearly aware that he's still very attractive, in better shape than many much younger men, etc); a somewhat bitter/disparaging view of women his own age; possibly too charming and flirtatious for his own good; "hard working" with him seems to be borderline "workaholic"; is aware and admits that he has issues with anger management (it was one of the main reasons why his fiancee broke up with him), but still has a hard time controlling anger and aggression - I was on holiday with him and a couple of friends and he flipped out a couple of times, like arm-waving and shouting, over situations which were only mildly frustrating, while the rest of us stared at him in disbelief - then he didn't seem to think he'd flipped out at all. On another occasion he had totally laid into one of my friends when she was taking an unwise course in life - like tough love to an unpleasant extreme, also involving yelling, and anything he said about that later also implied that he didn't think he'd been unpleasant. That's the kind of thing which you can't expect to change in another person, and especially not by the time they're 45. It was a weird mix of being self-aware and totally not self-aware.

Much of what I've thought about this guy was speculation as we didn't actually date, besides going out as friends and that sort of thing, but I did get to know him fairly well as a friend. He's probably an ESTJ, by the way. I think the interesting-ness and the general responsibility and loyalty were at least partly due to him being older and those would have been great. However, he's not sensitive to emotions and there's the anger thing too and it's 99% sure by that age that those things are not going to improve. I think he had picked up a good deal more scar tissue in relation to past relationships than I realized, and I also tend to think he would want a good deal of control in a relationship (partly due to having felt hurt and betrayed in the past) and would definitely want to be the power-holder. While he seemed to admire the fact that I was laid back and had my life together - which made me think he might be interested in me - it seems from what I heard about the new gf and about his past relationships that he prefers women with plenty of "issues" (whether emotional or health-related) and though it might be unfair of me, it did make me wonder if he wanted someone to "rescue" or someone who would be very dependent on him and hence couldn't talk back too much. I do think that could have something to do with going for someone both younger and with issues, which seem to be trends in his relationships.

Anyway, sorry, that's only partly related to the age thing, and partly to this specific individual, but I hope it's of interest. The whole thing has definitely been on my mind lately!

By the way, especially based on the title of this thread - do you feel that an "older men thing" is particularly INFJ? Or are you going more for how INFJs get into these situations and how it might affect them particularly? I wouldn't have thought that having a thing for older guys was particularly related to any specific type, but I'd be interested in what others have to say!
 
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violaine

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I don't have pre-determined age limits for dating but I have rarely dated significantly older men. I don't like the archetypal older man/younger woman dynamic. i.e. Relationships that have marked teacher/student, expert/ingenue, benefactor/beneficiary overtones... um, ick. The only significantly older man I dated was unnerved that I didn't "need" him. It made him insecure. It upset me and then outraged me that I was being penalized for being self-sufficient and genuinely caring about him rather than staying with him out of some warped need.

I'm very uncomfortable being dependent on a partner in an unhealthy way. And I can't be vulnerable with someone who needs to dominate and be in the lead at all costs. I need more even terms in a relationship and I prefer an "us against the world" vibe.
 
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