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[MBTI General] ISTP needs help

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm a new ISTP member and would like advice from NFs, ENFPs, or those with knowledge about them. It's about an ENFP I know and how to be a good friend to him. Basically, we are attracted to each other but I've decided not to pursue a relationship b/c of significantly differing spiritual beliefs. The ENFP sd:"I would really like to be with you," during a deep conversation one night, and I replied honestly:"I would like to be with you, too," but I later said in that conversation that I didn't think I could ever be with someone who had spiritual beliefs like the ENFP has. It just won't work for me.The ENFP has repeatedly replied that I should keep coming over and hanging out when I ask if it makes it hard on the ENFP. It's hard for me to not to adore the ENFP. What can I do? What would make it easier for you guys? My sister says he'll like to just experience me as a friend. Is this cruel of me to hang out? How do I deal with liking him?
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
What are his spiritual beliefs?

And no, there is nothing wrong, or cruel with you hanging out with him.

*Also, I have only been in a relationship of significance with an ISTP, and a fellow atheist. For me, I don't think I would be able to romantically jive with a guy who was a believer.
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
His beliefs:He's an atheist. He doesn't seem to hate being around theists. He actually told me all the girls he's been in relationships with had different beliefs than him, and it wasn't a problem.He said he supported them in their beliefs. I know I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't share my beliefs in that, and I won't put him into one of those "If you change your beliefs, I'll be with you" things.


And no, there is nothing wrong, or cruel with you hanging out with him.
Whew! I really don't want to hurt him. I really appreciate your talking w/me about it b/c I want to protect him from getting hurt.

Also, I am worried that (because I like him so much) that I will accidentally find myself flirting with him in the future. Any advice on how to deal with my feelings?
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
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Honestly, it has been my experience/observation that men have very little concern about sharing the same spiritual/religious beliefs with their partners.

Growing up, a lot of parents, including my own, consisted of fathers who were not religious/believers, and mothers who were.

If you don't mind my asking, what are your beliefs?
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
Also, I am worried that (because I like him so much) that I will accidentally find myself flirting with him in the future. Any advice on how to deal with my feelings?

why, if you like him so much, would you forgo something that could be amazing just because your beliefs don't exactly match? he's not intolerant of your beliefs, so why are you so intolerant of his?

my opinion is that you WILL flirt with him, and you WILL hurt him. you can't turn off your feelings.

maybe it's worth examining why you're so threatened by the concept of a relationship with him.
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
Can anyone see all of my post? It only shows in part on my screen. Here it is:

I'll just copy what I put as my welcome questionnaire answer:What religion are you? What religion is your family?

I believe there
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
A bit harsh, no?

heh yeah. i've been watching too much house recently :)

seriously, though, if you really like someone, it's impossible to act "normal" around them. and when they like you back...well, they'll keep wondering what's stopping something from happening.

i don't know if i really believe that the difference in spiritual beliefs is really the only reason nanashi doesn't want to be with this dude.
 

Nameless

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2008
Messages
105
MBTI Type
ENFP
why, if you like him so much, would you forgo something that could be amazing just because your beliefs don't exactly match? he's not intolerant of your beliefs, so why are you so intolerant of his?

my opinion is that you WILL flirt with him, and you WILL hurt him. you can't turn off your feelings.

maybe it's worth examining why you're so threatened by the concept of a relationship with him.


I agree with both CC and dissonance. If he is tolerant enough of your religion to want to be friends and more with you, he will always be respectful of it and will never attack it, so what's the big deal?

Also I think you will flirt with and hurt him on some level. He may say he just wants to hang out with you as friends, but something always lingers.

I think the best thing to do if you really want to be friends with him and not hurt him is to wait until he finds another girl to be interested in, then you can hang out with him all day long and it won't hurt his feelings. If the thought of another girl with him bothers you though, then you should get over the religion thing and try him out.
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
why, if you like him so much, would you forgo something that could be amazing just because your beliefs don't exactly match? (It struck me that this could be amazing b/c of the personality dynamics, but in examining the direct opposition of our spiritual beliefs, I concluded starting a relationship with him would only bring us both another failed relationship.) he's not intolerant of your beliefs, so why are you so intolerant of his? (I am tolerant of his beliefs. I hate people trying to force me or others to believe something they personally don't see. I love the freedom I have, and others have, to believe as an independent being. I think, simply, that logically our beliefs are conflicting.)

my opinion is that you WILL flirt with him, and you WILL hurt him. you can't turn off your feelings. (I have been worried about this. I really like him. I have a very strong will, so I know I could force myself to do a lot of behavioral repression, but he is very loving, and I don't want to have sd 'no' to a relationship but be showing him affection if that will hurt him.)

maybe it's worth examining why you're so threatened by the concept of a relationship with him. (Whew. I've thought that, too.)
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
CC, were you able to see my beliefs post (above) in its entirety? Only part of it shows on my screen. It should go into what I believe about God.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
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What are your beliefs hon?

And honestly, ISTP + ENFP = A potentially awesome pair/relationship. (though I am biased.)
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
I am wary of getting into romantic relationships. My dad was abusive, and my mom divorced him when I was little. I'm detail-oriented. I focus on compatibility a lot. I guess I don't want to end up like my parents.And I don't like to see that I've hurt people, so I keep things firmly in the friend arena with guys.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
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CC, were you able to see my beliefs post (above) in its entirety? Only part of it shows on my screen. It should go into what I believe about God.
No, I can find the original post though. ;)
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
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INTJ
I believe there’s a God. I just sense God. I have since I was little. I run into limits or constraints (i.e. hunger, people, mortality, emotions). I’ve noticed I’m not in control, and it’s my sense that somebody has ordered this thing called life. I think about that a lot when I interact with people. There are social consequences and sensitivities. I see people’s idiosyncrasies and their importance as this beautiful, unwieldy, complex, throbbing-with-life thing.
 

nanashi

New member
Joined
Mar 12, 2008
Messages
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MBTI Type
INTJ
It’s kind of exciting. I’m of the opinion that God must love people if life is as it is. Yes I have pain and heartache, but I see the physical/social responses as protective of me. I've decided to be a Christian. Protestant. I'm not sure about all of my distant relatives. They don't talk about it much with me, but my closest parent (an INFP) and my siblings share my views about God for the most part.
 

Nameless

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2008
Messages
105
MBTI Type
ENFP
why, if you like him so much, would you forgo something that could be amazing just because your beliefs don't exactly match? (It struck me that this could be amazing b/c of the personality dynamics, but in examining the direct opposition of our spiritual beliefs, I concluded starting a relationship with him would only bring us both another failed relationship.) he's not intolerant of your beliefs, so why are you so intolerant of his? (I am tolerant of his beliefs. I hate people trying to force me or others to believe something they personally don't see. I love the freedom I have, and others have, to believe as an independent being. I think, simply, that logically our beliefs are conflicting.)

my opinion is that you WILL flirt with him, and you WILL hurt him. you can't turn off your feelings. (I have been worried about this. I really like him. I have a very strong will, so I know I could force myself to do a lot of behavioral repression, but he is very loving, and I don't want to have sd 'no' to a relationship but be showing him affection if that will hurt him.)

maybe it's worth examining why you're so threatened by the concept of a relationship with him. (Whew. I've thought that, too.)

I think you can have a great relationship with conflicting ideas, as long as you respect each other's ideas. You learn more that way even. I guess the way I might see it being a problem though is if religion is so much a part of your life that you feel he won't be able to understand a key part of who you are by not being religious himself.
I'm an atheist myself, and that's kind of how I am with strong theists...I just don't "get" where they are coming from in their thinking. But I'm totally fine with the Christmas-and-Easter-ers :D
 

nanashi

New member
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Mar 12, 2008
Messages
48
MBTI Type
INTJ
Now I'm getting mixed reviews from the people posting on this forum. It might be okay to hang out with him (he and his roommates propound it to me and some of you say it's fine), but alternately, he could get very hurt. I guess I might have to just ignore this friendship 'till he finds someone, as cheeseburger-poster sd. Sometimes I wish none of this romantic interest had happened. I wish we were just platonic friends the whole time. He's so great. I don't want to lose his friendship. But our getting along so well is why we became interested in each other. I've tried to limit my seeing him. He lives with a bunch of my guy friends. He told me that he didn't think I should be anywhere but there, so I started hanging out again. Crap.

I agree with you, CC, that this is a great pairing. It feels better than maybe any other interaction I've had personality-wise.
 
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