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[Jungian Cognitive Functions] Being aware of dissonance between people's words and actions

SilkRoad

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This is something I struggle with, though a few bad or non-wonderful experiences are teaching me to look out for it more.

I am sure that anyone can fall prey to it but this may be a particularly INFJ blind spot. For me, it is a combination of a) being a person who pretty much means what they say, most of the time; b) giving people too much credit for potential, rather than what they're actually doing here and now; c) seeing/hearing what I want to see/hear, particularly if I'm somehow emotionally invested (either with a close friendship, or romantically); d) perhaps according too much of a sacred status to words...?

I've fallen into the trap before, in various situations. Someone runs down a certain social group...but still spends their time hanging out with them; I trust them to figure it out eventually, even if this has been the case for ages. Some guy tells me how special I am to him and how I'm the one person who has stuck by him, who he can really talk to, etc etc...but doesn't ask me out or really make that much effort to spend time with me; I think he's just hesitant and will get there eventually. Needless to say, these types of situations have let me down, big-time.

Have you had the same problem - especially INFJs, NFs, or anyone who wants to weigh in? What have you learned? How do you avoid falling into the trap? Do you think most people are kind of like this, or do you just learn to keep more distance with the ones who behave this way?
 

Fidelia

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I agree with all of your reasons listed for tending to have a problem with this area. I'd also add to it people that I am reluctant to recategorize people whom I'm invested in and have deemed trustworthy in the past. Also because I don't really really get close to a lot of people, it's hard for me to face that someone is not trustworthy if they have been part of that inner circle - it's almost like I have to prove to myself that my own judgement isn't that out of kilter, prove to myself that they really do care about me and I wasn't just imagining it or understand why they are acting so uncharacteristically. I don't like being hasty and so it takes awhile to gather up the information I need before I feel I can get closure about it.

I think what I've learned is that that kind of inconsistancy often has something to do with insecurity. Often there is a genuine desire to become close or to act with character, but there are fears that take over and make the person keep acting in contradictory and often hurtful ways. By being better able to distinguish between real confidence and the whistling in the dark kind than I once was, I am a little more careful about how close I allow someone to be if they are very insecure. It's not that I am blaming them for it, but rather than insecurity has some very serious and negative outcomes and I know that once I allow people to be close to me, I do it whole-heartedly and they have the power to do a lot of damage.

Secondly, I have become much more proactive about choosing friends, rather than waiting for them to choose me. This has influenced both the quality of friends I have as well as the reasons for both of us getting into the friendship. I tend to spend time with whomever demands my attention most, forgetting to remember what messages that may give the other person about how close we are, or how it may make a person a bigger part of my world than they really ought to be.

Thirdly, I am learning that when I am faced with situations where I am lonely and away from a regular support system of people, I tend to be more susceptible to getting romantically involved with people who may not be the best choice for me due to spending a lot of time together and becoming emotionally attached. They often are pursuing actively and are people who want to look out for me in some way. As time goes on, they become too central a part of my world without other people and interests to balance it out and we often don't share the foundational commonalities (attitudes towards religion, family, money etc) that would allow the relationship to continue on successfully.
 

Z Buck McFate

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This is exactly why it takes me forever to really feel close to anyone. It’s relatively easy for someone to present a certain image to others- to make a solid first impression- but not many people can cash the checks they write (so to speak) with the first impression they make. It takes a while of actually interacting with someone, and paying attention to the consistency between their words and their actions, to know how mindful they are about interpersonal dynamics. Example: just because someone may go on tangents about how much they dislike lying- they may even be able to rant about specific frustrations that I can relate well to (thus demonstrating they’ve experienced the frustration of putting up with liars)- it doesn’t mean they are honest themselves. I know when I was younger I would make the mistake of assuming that if I could relate well to someone's rant, then their ethical code must be similar to mine (or I wouldn't be able to relate so well)- but the older I get, it ceases to amaze me how much energy others can put into 'talking the talk' without really being concerned about 'walking the walk'. I think what amazes me most is crossing the path of someone who focuses so much on the 'talking' part that they seem completely oblivious to the fact that they can't control what their 'walk' reveals with yet more talking. If that made any sense.

So yeah, it may seem cynical, but I’m really pretty sensitive to the consistency between someone’s words and actions. There’s value in knowing what someone *wants* to be (what they’re words reveal), but I don’t really trust anyone’s words until I feel like I know who they *are* (the kind of stuff consistency reveals).
 

BAJ

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Possibilities:

1.) He believes that, but feels you are too good for him, out of his league, or has a problem. Maybe he's a eunuch spiritual of physically. Maybe he took a vow of chastity.

2.) He believes that, but thinks of you like a sister or is secretly gay.

3.) He believes that, but is emotional unavailable for a relationship due to some pressure such as work, addiction, or various things that tie up his soul, and make him unavailable.

4.) He believes that, but really thinks you are unattractive or not his "style" of romantic interest.

I'm sure there could be many things. Recommendation...ask him out? Explain the situation to him and see if he wants to date?


So yeah, it may seem cynical, but I’m really pretty sensitive to the consistency between someone’s words and actions. There’s value in knowing what someone *wants* to be (what they’re words reveal), but I don’t really trust anyone’s words until I feel like I know who they *are* (the kind of stuff consistency reveals).

Oooh! I like this one.
 

Arclight

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I think this is my biggest issue in all my relationships ever.

Is it me? or is it them?

I believe, as we are building a relationship (friendship or romance), that we are writing a contract between each other, negotiating the terms of our relationship.
Wants and needs are expressed and boundaries are established.
I take people's wants, needs and concerns to heart. I also listen and watch their interactions with others. I read between the lines, and a picture emerges.

Now here is the problem. Did I just create an ideal, or has the other person sold me an ideal?
Have I done the same to them?

The accusation is always the same.. "You are not who you said you are". I make that claim, and so does the other.

I think the problem is not one of dissonance at all. Everyone has a gap between who they are and they project.
Most people have a different opinion of who they feel they are Vs how others perceive them.

I feel the real problem is the concept of "Perfection"
The perfection we expect from ourselves and others.
Expecting perfection means we can only really have one way to go.. Down.

We all do it. We all lie about who we are or deny certain behaviors. So, when someone cocks up, why am I so unforgiving? Why are you?
Why don't we forgive ourselves and each other?
 

Coriolis

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"Dissonance between people's words and actions"

Isn't this the definition of hypocrisy?
 

BAJ

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"Dissonance between people's words and actions"

Isn't this the definition of hypocrisy?

Could be...but just because you think someone is wonderful, supportive, or whatever else does not preclude that you want to date them romantically. Again, that could be because of issues he has. Maybe his penis was damaged in a horrible accident. Maybe he just lacking self-confidence. We don't know.

I still wonder what would happen if the person in question were asked out.
 

Arclight

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"Dissonance between people's words and actions"

Isn't this the definition of hypocrisy?

Of course!!
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It just depends where you are standing on how you are going to justify it.. Some people call it "consistency", but really? You can be consistent in your inconsistency. So consistency is not the whole story.
Self awareness is. Oh.. and not expecting everyone and yourself to be perfect.
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V

violaine

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I have this problem as well. Actually, I would say this is one of my biggest recurring issues in life. I do see things that aren't obvious but I suspect when I have warm feelings for someone, or I'm interested in getting to know that person in some way, that I am not as rigorous in filtering them. Instead, I'm in information gathering mode and very open to the person as they represent themselves. I think it falls under the umbrella of idealism. I was also raised in a pretty secure environment where I could afford to take people at their word.

Having had a little experience with it now, I have started to accept that a lot of people are playing a game that I'm not playing. (It's completely obvious with some people and the way they play it is totally off-putting to me but that's another story.) As fidelia said, I think it often stems from insecurity and wanting to appear impressive. What I find lately is that people talk in terms of how they want to be but not how they are. Realizing this has made it easier to not take things through the heart.

I have a particularly difficult time with things that have been unsaid that end up being very out of character. This has been an issue in two of my intimate relationships when it was something very large scale. They both ended due to having the kind of realizations that hit like a truck. My part in those were that I never assumed anything bad, I just filled any blanks in with trust. :/

I don't have any preventative fix for it but to take my Father's advice, which is to always keep a little of yourself for yourself. Actually, what he says is to never give anyone 100% of yourself. However, I can't apply this advice because I think it would change who I am. It's the antithesis of how I think genuine intimacy is forged. And that's what I want, so I have to take risks that way. :/

I can say I feel terribly naive when I take someone at their word and it turns out they are mostly talk. But I have also realized that almost everyone has issues of some sort. And a lot of people, maybe the vast majority, do not work on themselves. Acknowledging that helps me to be less disappointed with things that affect me personally. (I have scaled things back to where I only concern myself with things that affect me personally.)
 

Z Buck McFate

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"Dissonance between people's words and actions"

Isn't this the definition of hypocrisy?

I generally reserve the term ‘hypocrisy’ for someone who does themselves what they throw stones at others for doing. I could be wrong, but I think SilkRoad is describing something broader. Like the example she gave of the guy who was (inadvertently or not) sending signals that he was interested, but then not acting on it- that’s not really hypocrisy.

[and back to the op] I was going to avoid diving into INFJ theories (to avoid excluding others) but this thread is moving slowly, so here goes. If someone tells me they care about me, then I tend to expect them to adhere to conduct which demonstrates their care; when they do something which seems like a rather blatant contradiction, I can get paralyzed with an almost immediate implosion of possibilities for why it’s happening. I’m guessing this is what SilkRoad was referring to in the op, with ‘INFJ blind spot’. BAJ mentioned possibilities above, but a large part of the problem (for INFJs, I think) is that SO MANY possibilities like that surface that it’s hard to clamp down and say “quit leading me on!” the way other types might be able to. We get so lost in the possibilities of the reasons for others’ behaviors that we sometimes can’t even see the obvious.

I’ve always been slow to get to know people, even compared to other INFJs- which is really saying something. It’s because I’m incredibly sensitive to contradictory signals like this, it sets off too many silent alarms in my head. If it isn’t available for me to raise concerns with someone about contradictory signals I get from them (because, say, they get offended easily or get all worked up about it)- then I avoid them. Not many people are so sensitive to inconsistency like that, and- like Violaine said- not many people are interested (or see much point in) working on themselves in that way. I also usually just try not to take it personally and just move on.

Oooh! I like this one.

True colors always have a way of finding their way to the surface. Always.

Maybe his penis was damaged in a horrible accident.

Implosion of possibilities aside, I think it’s safe to assume this is probably what happened.

Really though, I think BAJ did have a good point with wondering what would happen if the guy were asked out (at least, according to the way the situation is described in the op). I do think this is another INFJ pitfall- not being willing to be the one who takes a chance. (I’m speaking from experience here.) It's like we try bend over backwards and sideways to understand what's going on in someone else's head, and we can get stuck in needing the situation to feel 'safe' before getting proactive and going after something/someone ourselves.
 

Fidelia

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Yeah, I identify with a lot of what you've said here Z Buck, including Ni bringing up so many possibilities that sometimes it is difficult to see something that is relatively obvious to others.

Definitely I also tend to avoid being the one to take a chance, and I don't think that has always beena positive thing for me.
 

CuriousFeeling

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I don't have anything major to add to this, but I have experienced things similar to this. Sometimes when I am in a group of people, it can put quite a bit of pressure on my end to take someone else's word for what it is... "She doesn't trust us.", and I end up going against my own intuition of that person's intentions. Then the result is that the person ends up doing said action I predicted would happen, but chose to let happen because I didn't want to appear like I was mistrustful (even though I was). It's something I've learned, that first I can't go against my intuition, and second, I can't let concerns of what other people think of me get in the way of making the right decision.

When someone doesn't live up to their word and acts differently, it makes me angry. It's hypocritical and betraying.
 

SilkRoad

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Example: just because someone may go on tangents about how much they dislike lying- they may even be able to rant about specific frustrations that I can relate well to (thus demonstrating they’ve experienced the frustration of putting up with liars)- it doesn’t mean they are honest themselves. I know when I was younger I would make the mistake of assuming that if I could relate well to someone's rant, then their ethical code must be similar to mine (or I wouldn't be able to relate so well)- but the older I get, it ceases to amaze me how much energy others can put into 'talking the talk' without really being concerned about 'walking the walk'. I think what amazes me most is crossing the path of someone who focuses so much on the 'talking' part that they seem completely oblivious to the fact that they can't control what their 'walk' reveals with yet more talking. If that made any sense.

It completely makes sense. I think I know exactly what you mean. It seems as though often it is a combination between insecurity and a total lack of self-awareness. I mean, as well as anything else, I would be embarrassed to contradict myself as much as some people I have known. Even with someone who I have a degree of investment in, I will eventually get fed up and tune out when I realise that from day to day they'll routinely make complete about-faces on their opinions on matters major and minor. It can also keep you off balance because when you timidly say "but I thought you felt this way" or "I thought you were planning to do such and such", they've revised reality about the conversation you had with them a mere few days ago to the extent that it all starts to feel quite Orwellian.

Also, it seems as though people will often rant about the thing that a casual observer can see they do themselves. (Man, I hope I don’t do that, or not much).

I think the problem is not one of dissonance at all. Everyone has a gap between who they are and they project.
Most people have a different opinion of who they feel they are Vs how others perceive them.

I feel the real problem is the concept of "Perfection"
The perfection we expect from ourselves and others.
Expecting perfection means we can only really have one way to go.. Down.

We all do it. We all lie about who we are or deny certain behaviors. So, when someone cocks up, why am I so unforgiving? Why are you?
Why don't we forgive ourselves and each other?

I have mixed feelings about this. I think I know what you are saying. And to a certain extent I agree. We all make mistakes, we're all imperfect, we're certainly all inconsistent to some degree. And problems arise when you want another person to be something they are not, and project that onto them (more about that). That's more your bad than theirs, unless they are really claiming to be something they are not.

But I think it is a big problem when you find that someone is so consistently inconsistent that you cannot trust anything they say. I think that's more what I'm getting at. I have started taking big steps away from those people...

I suspect when I have warm feelings for someone, or I'm interested in getting to know that person in some way, that I am not as rigorous in filtering them. Instead, I'm in information gathering mode and very open to the person as they represent themselves...

Having had a little experience with it now, I have started to accept that a lot of people are playing a game that I'm not playing... My part in those were that I never assumed anything bad, I just filled any blanks in with trust. :/ ...

... And a lot of people, maybe the vast majority, do not work on themselves...

Violaine...thanks for this and as I'm not sure how to put things in bold (another area I'm a bit stupid in), suffice it to say that the points you wrote above I understand to an INSANE degree. (I think!) I've been thinking that exact phrase, "filling in the blanks", lately. Another thing we all do, I suppose, but it's a good thing to be aware of, how you approach it. I do have problems with trusting overmuch, and yet I don't want to become untrusting, so it's a balancing act. Sometimes I fill in the blanks with trust. Sometimes there are A LOT of blanks, more than I realise, and I fill them with what I want to be there...that can really set you up to get hurt...

(By the way, I still owe you a PM!)

I If someone tells me they care about me, then I tend to expect them to adhere to conduct which demonstrates their care; when they do something which seems like a rather blatant contradiction, I can get paralyzed with an almost immediate implosion of possibilities for why it’s happening. I’m guessing this is what SilkRoad was referring to in the op, with ‘INFJ blind spot’. BAJ mentioned possibilities above, but a large part of the problem (for INFJs, I think) is that SO MANY possibilities like that surface that it’s hard to clamp down and say “quit leading me on!” the way other types might be able to. We get so lost in the possibilities of the reasons for others’ behaviors that we sometimes can’t even see the obvious.

I also relate very much to this. I end up generating a million possibilities, but of course (consciously or unconsciously) the one(s) I end up getting super-attached to are of course the most favourable to myself, the other person and the situation at hand (and that's not necessarily just in a romantic context. Also something to be more aware of.

And yes, there are differences between the two examples I cited. One is straight up hypocrisy and I suppose in a lot of cases that is what I am referring to with the "dissonance". Again, I don't think there is anyone out there who is NEVER hypocritical. We all fall into the trap from time to time. It is just that some people seem to make a career of it. I have run into too many people in recent years who espouse a certain highly moral way of life and then go out and do the very things that they are decrying. After I have made a lot of excuses for them - weakness of character, peer pressure, everyone makes mistakes, ad nauseam, eventually I figure out that they are simply being hypocritical. But unfortunately I may have allowed myself to somehow get hurt or even "stumbled" (I'm thinking more or less in the Biblical sense) by them already. I think that perhaps I just need to be more brutal and write people off earlier in some cases. :(

The question of the guy possibly leading me on is kind of a different scenario. Honestly, that is one where I bear more responsibility (I have ended up in that kind of situation a couple of times.) It is possible that there is some dissonance between their words and their actions, but I probably have to realise that it hurts me mainly because I've started hoping for a different outcome, and also that the "dissonance" may be mainly due to differences in how I feel such friendships/situations should be handled. In other words - I wouldn't tell an opposite sex friend who I only viewed as a friend that they were super-special to me and no one else understood...even if I actually felt a bit like that, because I wouldn't want to lead them on. But I've had a couple of male friends who I had developed feelings for who had no problem with giving me special treatment but then it turned out they only wanted friendship, or at least that is what they claimed, and I kind of had to take it more or less at face value... In response to BAJ's suggestion/query, I never have actually put myself out there to that extent. But those situations/stalemates ended either with the person informing me (and not very nicely) that they only wanted friendship, or starting to date someone else and later telling a mutual friend that they didn't know I liked them, and that if they'd wanted more than friendship with me, they would have done something about it... I do want to draw some lessons from that though - one of them being that I shouldn't get over-invested when no actual relationship exists - but to look out for "dissonance" in terms of not taking comments like "you're so special" or "you're the reason I'm still in this city" or "I can't talk about this with anyone else" and making more of them than they actually represent. Basically, if the guy isn't following up such comments with an escalation of his pursuit of me, or just asking me out, I shouldn't read so much into them. I do seem to end up liking people with whom there is a lot of ambiguity and mixed messages, and I don't think I can do that to myself any more. Too painful. So no, it's not "hypocrisy" on their part, or not really, but it's mainly a question of whether WHAT I WANT THE WORDS TO MEAN, and their actions, are matching up.

Fidelia, I loved your post, but I didn’t have a great deal to add to it – I found much to agree with, though!
 

tkae.

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Is it just me, or is this an issue that spans the entire board of Judgers?

It seems like it is the more and more I think of it.

I KNOW it's a problem with xSTJ individuals, and can be a problem for some of the more logic-driven xNTJ people. So if INFJs have a problem with it, then I'd think it was a issue of Judging v Perceiving.

Compounded by the fact that the first non-uniform voice was a Perceiver :shock:

I've never had a problem with it that I can think of. I can immediately see when a person's actions and words don't add up, and I'm usually pretty quick to pinpoint exactly why, such as ulterior motives or an abrasive personality, or just not having gotten a good night's sleep or something.

It's fairly situational, but it's never been an issue as a general ability.
 

Z Buck McFate

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I think it spans the entire board of Judgers in the sense that Js are less malleable to external events as the events are happening- and we (Js) tend to want things in the external world to happen according the way we expect them to happen- but I also think this issue in particular affects INFJs more than other types. STJs seem WAY more adept at dismissing someone else’s judgment for transgressing ‘consistency’; the other person either has a valid point or they don’t. INFJs often come from a place of assuming the other person has a valid point- that somewhere in there, it’s based on *something* valid- and our attention gets drawn towards finding and bridging that connection. Essentially, not having tolerance for contradictory signals is only half the problem- the other half (or maybe even more than half) is the consequent distraction of making sense out of why the signals seem contradictory, the distraction of figuring out if someone is worth that effort and the further distraction of figuring out why we feel they aren’t worth the effort (etc, it just goes on and on).

Of course, there are also INFJs who come more from a place of constantly focusing on how valid their own point of view is (and how ‘others’ don’t see the validity)- but the common denominator here is feeling distracted by an urge to bridge perceived gaps in understanding between people, systematically compensating for the fact that people tend to feel the validity of their own point more than they recognize the validity of others. We’re particularly sensitive to how mindful people are of how their words/behaviors affect others (e.g. how consistent they are), because it’s a critical component of bridging any future gaps in understanding that arise with that individual. I mean, even if we don’t say anything to the parties involved/don’t take any action whatsoever with the product of our reflection- it’s still our tendency to scan our environment for these bridges between people. We prefer the bridges be in place before any actual conflict comes along. I’m fairly certain this avoid-conflict-thru-preemptive-cognitive-mapping is an INFJ commonality, and it does make us particularly sensitive to the consistency of others.** The only time I personally can block this tendency is when the possible conflict I anticipate closely mirrors something I’ve dealt with before (or if I’ve previously dealt with the specific people involved before) and my experience dictates trying to forge a bridge is a thankless dead end.

/making it 'all about' INFJs

**[edit:] when I say 'sensitve', I don't mean we take it personally (though that's possible), I just mean we pick up on it very, very easily.
 

Spamtar

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I find it amusing.

Hint: playing with incongruent tonality is more amusing with people than dogs.

When you notice it just laugh it off.

It gets rougher when the participants acting ability is very persuasive. Or the flip side of those who for whatever reason cant sound sincere even when they are.
 

BAJ

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I sometimes build strong emotional bonds with people, and I sometimes the aspect that they think it is potentially romantic can surprise me. Perhaps it would not do so now.
I can give a few examples.

I had a supervisor, and were psychologically intimate. We shared many things, and had deep emotional connections. In politics at work, we were allies. Then one night she invited me over to fix her computer, sending her husband to a different state on an errand. She cooked me dinner. It turned out she wanted to be physically romantic, and I was very upset. I was angry at her for almost a whole week.

Another time it was in graduate school. I went to singles group, and every night I'd walk home with this lady since she lived in the same general area. She said that I was the only male her cats liked. I took care of her cats when she was gone, and thus I had a key to her apartment. She cooked dinner for me a few times, and we had long conversations in her house. Then, one night she put some slow dance music on an old phonograph, and wanted to dance. I wasn't shocked, but never had a romantic thought entered my mind.

I don't know if that's what is being described exactly, silkroad? In my case, asking me out would be the best strategy, even if that is not traditional. However, in my case, psychological intimacy where I say I feel that you are supportive does not necessarily mean I want to date you in the romantic sense.

What is frustrating to me is probably similar, but it's more like in high school. Literally, a girl might pat me on the arm and say, "BAJ, you are so sweet. Don't ever change." Then she'd jump on the back of the motorcycle with the nearest jock.
 

Lauren

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To Silkroad, my best INFJ friend has been hurt very badly by those who have shown her that they care, only to distance themselves or encourage her feelings only to let her down in the end. So much of what you say resonates for me in her life and at times, in my own.

I think I've avoided falling into this trap (sometimes, not all the time) by understanding that people are contradictory and that their words don't match their actions. Or that their words are sort of fillers and that their actions mean more. Also, that people aren't usually conscious of the impact they are having on another. Some are. I've always trusted the unspoken and actions because they say much more than words. I mean, there are some things that someone would say to me that I would know I could trust came from their heart. Others, not so much. I would distrust or at least be cautious of someone who said that they could confide in me like no other. Only because the confidence itself is proof of that.

I tend to distrust someone who says that they trust me like no other or can confide in me like no other because by saying so they want, I feel, for me to attach myself to them or that they want to draw me into their circle (to stroke their ego) rather than responding to me more clearly and honestly. If a person really feels this way, there's no need to say it.
 

SilkRoad

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BAJ - yeah, that's one reason why I think I need to stop being so damn "supportive"... ;) I'm not your therapist while you go off to find yourself a girlfriend... ;) but I certainly don't blame you for being a) surprised, b) mad about the married woman... :shock:

Lauren, thanks. Very interesting. I think a lot of "dissonance" or effusive words not entirely matched by actions have to do with ego and far more with the person saying it than who they're saying it to. Selfish, I think, but there you go. You've mentioned some of how you've worked to counteract this. Has your INFJ friend managed to find some coping techniques?

Currently I'm a bit worried that I'm going to end up trusting no one. It's unlikely, because I have a naturally trusting nature with those I feel connected to (in whatever way) but I have caught myself thinking lately that "trust no one" is the way to go.
 

Lauren

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Dec 7, 2008
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MBTI Type
INFP
BAJ - yeah, that's one reason why I think I need to stop being so damn "supportive"... ;) I'm not your therapist while you go off to find yourself a girlfriend... ;) but I certainly don't blame you for being a) surprised, b) mad about the married woman... :shock:

Lauren, thanks. Very interesting. I think a lot of "dissonance" or effusive words not entirely matched by actions have to do with ego and far more with the person saying it than who they're saying it to. Selfish, I think, but there you go. You've mentioned some of how you've worked to counteract this. Has your INFJ friend managed to find some coping techniques?

Currently I'm a bit worried that I'm going to end up trusting no one. It's unlikely, because I have a naturally trusting nature with those I feel connected to (in whatever way) but I have caught myself thinking lately that "trust no one" is the way to go.

My friend has coped by basically shutting down. She has become distrustful of meeting someone who won't be a disappointment. By feeling this way, I think she sets herself up for disappointment but I understand why she feels the way she does. I'm trusting by nature as well and I'm more optimistic than my friend. Still, nothing hurts more than someone who leads you on to believe they care and then tells you otherwise. Or betrays you in some other way. When I've had this happen, I do something creative or go camping or hiking. Something life affirming. Running helps me tremendously. I think I'd go nuts if I didn't have that outlet.

I can spend months and months going round and around about what I did or didn't do (NiSe loop). Recently I've had to tell myself just to stop when I start up with those circular thoughts. I tell myself that for some things, there is no clear-cut reason or answer. I try not to be hard on myself because it takes two and there are many things outside of my control. I start to think that if only I had said this or that (been more open), things would have been different. But, there's no way to know if that's true so it's bad to go down that path.
 
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