Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post

I think the problem is more within ourselves and our sense of not wanting to be unfair, hasty or miserable rather than the actual boundary setting. It's also that we tend to make a lot of little distinctions between different behaviours, so it is harder to be sure if the person fits within the category of rude user or whether they belong in "person who'd be fine with some support", "person who is temporarily self-centred", "person whom we've known a long time and is not upsetting our lives that much even though they are not giving equally", "person whom I don't really have that much to do with so can tolerate", "person who needs some straight talk but could straighten out", "person who is high drama, low change" etc etc ad nauseum.

I think as time is going on I've gotten less tolerant. It's not that INFJs are either oblivious or doormats. It's just that they really want to be sure within themselves and have exhausted all possibilities within their control before giving up. I've had to learn that in some cases, this is entirely unnecessary and is using up much more of my resources than is warranted. Once the decision is made within me, I don't find it too hard to enforce it. It's the internal part that I've found has tripped me up in the past.
Oh, this is very true and I relate to quite a bit of it.

I think maybe my 'process' is now considerably shorter than it was in my 20's, at least... kind of to your point of all of it bing 'entirely unnecessary' in some instances. So I think as a result I end up nipping a lot of the relationships which have dynamics that I ultimately don't want, much earlier on.
It's interesting, I think when younger I was more like I am today. [Funny tangent, an xNTJ friend I've known for 15 yrs was telling me over the weekend that she thinks we all eventually just revert back to our junior-high self by our 30's... in the sense that in our 20's we might go off and explore and also deny/question part of our identities, and also balancing things out/incorporating other things means we have to figure out HOW to incorporate these other layers into our original and be at peace with all of it... but by our 30's we're once again embracing our core selves, but this time around are *comfortable*/secure in it, with added nuances. And, well, for myself and her at least, it's true. ]

It was just an in-between stage in my 20's where I was more as described in the OP, maybe - trying to reconcile and make sense of that Balance, I suppose, and also experiencing relationships of which I really didn't care for some of the dynamics. I guess today I'm really really happy with the types of relationships I have created and am creating, and am I think better at knowing from the get-go what my needs/desires are in terms of that, so as to build on those positive & mutually beneficial/nurturing ones, while weeding out the negative ones (ones I know that I'm not wanting in the long run). I do think it's important to note though that I rarely hold animosity towards anyone that I don't end up wanting relationships with, so I don't think they're horrible people or anything - it's more that I know the Relationship Itself - the combo of us two together - is not what I'm wanting (or even what they'd be wanting).