[INFJ] Miserable INFJ roommate

[LostInNerSpace]

Should I be vicious putting down my miserable INFJ roommate. He hogs the TV and anytime I enter the room he gives me like a dirty look, like what do you want kind of look. He has this black cloud of death that follows him around. Not that I care to watch TV, but still. It's like I absorb his negative shit to somehow keep the peace. But all it's doing is making me feel like crap. I totally could get nasty. He would retreat very quickly. When I've done it in the past he's actually been nice to me for a few months subsequent to that. I don't like being nasty to people. I do as a last resort. Hence the reason I've been absorbing all his negative crap.

 

[CzeCze]

Hmm, that's unfortunate. Do you two share a lease or is one of you subleasing to the other? In a subleasing situation, sometimes the person who is subleasing really hates living with other people (especially you!) but magnanimously put up with it because they are cheap bastards living outside their means. This happens a lot in DC btw, sometimes I read the ads and I'm like geez, am I allowed to breath in your space or is that against 'the rules' too???

Frankly, there are lots of uppity assholes in DC with chips on their shoulders. I know, I hate. But only because I care.

If you are the one subleasing to him, it's easy to put him back in place and just bring up things that are annoying you. After all, you're technically his landlord.

I think with two introverts, or people who don't really 'talk things out' things can get really tense or unpleasant like this. Are you sure he is INFJ? It's possible he is just a moody so and so and not really aware of how he is coming off. Some people are just kinda rough around the edges or otherwise not really good with social nice-ities. Some people are just really moody and give off vibes they aren't aware of or 'able' to control. Instead of being self-contained with their angst or pain, they are like weeping sores of negative emotional energy. And cattiness. Not fun for innocent bystanders around them.

I've lived with people like this -- we were otherwise friends so it was easier to weather, but it can be a total drag to live with moody people. Especially if you have crazy Ne and Fi. And especially when their personalities flip or they act out.

Question: is it his 'negative energy' you have issue with, or do you think he's acting out, being catty, basically being disrespectful?

Absorbing what you perceive as 'negative shit' is a really bad idea. I've done this before, but moreover, have just let things fester in the air intsead of naming it. Generally, when people hold things in re: a roommate situation, by the time things come out, the dam's basically burst and then you just have all out war.

For me, I can get pretty emtional or upset when I feel sleighted for no reason and it's very unhealthy to keep it in. When I get mad or have a concern, I find it's best to sort out the actual issues and what points I want to get across and what I want from the other person before I talk to them. And when I confront the person with my concerns, it helps keep me focused on what my issues are instead of getting sidelined with emotion.

Or rather, it helps me focus my emotion but keep my delivery more neutral and matter of fact so the other person has a chance to really hear what I'm saying in a non-defensive manner. This is the best way for resolution and not for fighing.

Sometimes though, let's face it, we just want to fight and have a good screaming match and tell that so-and-so exactly what we think of them. There is no 'desired outcome' other than letting off steam.

Or tactic 2#

In your situation also, perhaps your roommate is not doing things intentionally to make you feel bad. Do you believe some people are just assholes and cannot help themselves? Or that they are well meaning but will just rub you the wrong way and that's their god given purpose on earth? Can you find compassion for them in your INTP heart? Can you just see it for what it is and just brush it off? No one's saying you have to hug it out with him, just that if you change your POV it may not bother you.

Basically, I don't think you necessarily have to revert to being nasty (being firm maybe) to get him to be more aware of his behavior, or if he's more aware of it, to change his behavior.

How have you been nasty to him in the past? What have you brought up to make him behave better?

BTW, I've lived with 20 roommates over the years in the DC area (yeah I get around) so I speak from experience.

 

[Seanan]

Should I be vicious putting down my miserable INFJ roommate. He hogs the TV and anytime I enter the room he gives me like a dirty look, like what do you want kind of look. He has this black cloud of death that follows him around. Not that I care to watch TV, but still. It's like I absorb his negative shit to somehow keep the peace. But all it's doing is making me feel like crap. I totally could get nasty. He would retreat very quickly. When I've done it in the past he's actually been nice to me for a few months subsequent to that. I don't like being nasty to people. I do as a last resort. Hence the reason I've been absorbing all his negative crap.

I don't have much advice but want to validate how you're affected. My environment is really critical to my mental state. I admire those who can maintain in any one but I've never found a way to do that. So what am I saying? Well, if your own health is important to you, you must do whatever it takes. Right? It seems one little nasty is way worth 3 months of peace. I mean isn't your own state at least as important as (was it?) his or hers? Why are you taking a view that he/she shouldn't be hurt? Aren't you being?

 

[intuitiveadrenalinejunkie]

confront him. straight up, ask him what's his problem, why he's acting like that (very childishly), and what makes him think he has a right to treat you like that. in my experience, this hard shaking up of the infj might snap him out of it and force him to take a real good look at himself.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

We rent rooms from the landlord in the house.

Thanks for the suggestions. I might just send him a nasty gram:steam: , in person though. I just like the sound of nasty gram.

confront him. straight up, ask him what's his problem, why he's acting like that (very childishly), and what makes him think he has a right to treat you like that. in my experience, this hard shaking up of the infj might snap him out of it and force him to take a real good look at himself.

I know what his problem is. He's the 40 y/o virgin. Not quite. He lost it last year. But that's basically it.

 

[Edasich]

LostInNerSpace, how exactly do you communiacte with him?

 

[LostInNerSpace]

He generally grunts. The only time I am able to get through is when I communicate forcefully.

It's really bad. I have to tip toe around him. I pee in a bottle so I don't wake him up. It just occured to me that he will be miserable whether or not I tip toe around him, so I just shouldn't bother.

I really need to move out of this place.

 

[wedekit]

Honestly, if you see no reason why you are at fault then go for it. Though I'm being a hypocrite by saying you should never let things slide, it is probably best to end your unhappiness by confronting him. I think that you should give him your piece and then ask him if he has any qualms with you for the sake of getting all that drama out on the table. Plus by pointing out valid faults that belong to him will probably make him self-conscious, which probably explains why he is nice to you for a couple of months when you get nasty.

Honestly, right now I have a pretty shitty roommate too. We personally get along fine, but he is a big guy so he sweats a lot, never washes his sheet, takes a shower like every 2-3 days, farts all night in his sleep (as well as making a sound that sounds like he's eating a banana), stinks up the entire room every time he uses the restroom (and tries to cover it up with Axe which makes it worse), and sleeps all day which sucks for me because I'm a morning person. When he sleeps in his bed it incubates the built up smell and makes the ENTIRE room smell like old people. I understand the feeling of having a roommate that you pray will move out. I can't wait to be an RA next year and get my own room.

 

[olivejuice]

ok so he's probably SERIOUSLY suffering from not enough alone time. Don't stare at him. That pisses the crap out of infjs. Just tell him he's hogging the tv and to stop acting like an asshole. He will probably feel really bad and then dwell over it for days and then be really sensitive, but you know, sometimes infjs need a wake up call to reality.. people make a big deal about how kind and selfless the infjs are, and they are, but they can be self centered and totally ruled by their emotions. If you just get a little angry and tell him like it is, he will probably be mad and then go cry or something. maybe it's different for girls, but that's basically how it works i think.

 

[Desert Flower]

he is a big guy so he sweats a lot, never washes his sheet, takes a shower like every 2-3 days, farts all night in his sleep (as well as making a sound that sounds like he's eating a banana), stinks up the entire room every time he uses the restroom (and tries to cover it up with Axe which makes it worse), and sleeps all day which sucks for me because I'm a morning person. When he sleeps in his bed it incubates the built up smell and makes the ENTIRE room smell like old people.

:yim_rolling_on_the_ I'm so sorry Wedekit.

LostInnerSpace,

I say challenge him to a to the death and then who ever wins gets the room and the t.v.

He sounds kind of depressed and trying to fill this void with empty entertainment and resents you intruding on the only thing he has: his solitude. Maybe you should try talking to him and invite him out to do something fun once in while like go to the book store. INFJs do need their alone time but tell him not to be so resentful about sharing space. He knew he was getting a roommate when he signed up.

 

[wedekit]

ok so he's probably SERIOUSLY suffering from not enough alone time. Don't stare at him. That pisses the crap out of infjs. Just tell him he's hogging the tv and to stop acting like an asshole. He will probably feel really bad and then dwell over it for days and then be really sensitive, but you know, sometimes infjs need a wake up call to reality.. people make a big deal about how kind and selfless the infjs are, and they are, but they can be self centered and totally ruled by their emotions. If you just get a little angry and tell him like it is, he will probably be mad and then go cry or something. maybe it's different for girls, but that's basically how it works i think.

Replace crying with anger and then a sudden wave of guilt and self-consciousness and you have my version of being woken up to reality. But yeah, I totally agree with this. Like I said before, your best bet is to use his own self-loathing against him. Just tell him your perspective of what he's doing and he'll be a perfect roommate until his guilt wears off... and if you return the favor and don't do anything that would perturb him, his guilt could suddenly turn into habit.

I'll give what bothers me as an INFJ in case this helps:

I know one thing I do have against roommates is that they always want to have a conversation with me when I'm experiencing the only fix of alone time I can get. I'm really sensitive to stimulation and when I can't find perfect quiet somewhere I slowly turn into a monster over the course of weeks. Sometimes I go out into my car in the parking garage late at night because no one is in it and I can just lounge in my car and read or something. Maybe offer this piece of advice: The room can be a sanctuary when it's got one bed in it, otherwise get up and go somewhere else when you want to be alone. It's a sad truth I have come to learn.

 

[Grayscale]

unless someone is directly intercepting your ability to live freely, then how you respond to other people is entirely your choice.

be the bigger man, lead by example

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Just lay it all out clearly and calmly. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable around him, that you feel that distance has grown, that you'd like to be there to support him and talk to him if something's wrong or if he's upset but that you won't pressure him. Tell him exactly what types of changes he needs to make and offer to make some adjustments yourself as a demonstration of good will. Then, crack open a beer or do something kinda chill together. Maybe watch a TV show, or just hang out in the same room. Something to stabilize the change.

You could always just move out, but good, assertive communication-skills is something that will benefit you in lots and lots of areas of your life. The situation with your roommate is just one challenge of many. May as well learn to address it now where the payoff is high, the risk of backlash is low, and with someone you can identify with (c.f. some shmuck coworker). He's probably just really sad and irritable in a way unconnected to you. Everyone's been there; I'm sure you have too. Sorry if this is a repeat. I didn't read everyone's advice.

 

[faith]

You pee in a bottle so you don't wake him up!??! Are you for real? That's crazy.

I, too, was going to suggest that he might be in desperate need of alone-time. I usually glare at people and send out as many negative vibes as I can conjure when they interrupt my alone-time.

If it were I, I'd like to be approached with, "I'm getting angry vibes from you. Are you angry with me? [wait for answer] Is it something else? [wait for answer] Okay, good. I'm glad you don't hate me. Let's talk about TV schedules..." That would bring it to my attention without asking me to rehash whatever is upsetting me, and assure me that you're sensitive to my vibes and that you do want good relations with me.

On the other hand, if he asks you to pee in a bottle...

 

[meanlittlechimp]

Can you give me more details on why you think he's an INFJ?

I don't doubt he is, I just want more detail. I only know 3 INFJs and don't know any unbalanced or mean ones (and can't imagine them acting like your roommate, even on a bad day); though I'm sure they exist. One INFJ friend is severely depressed because he had a pretty horrible childhood and family life, but he never takes it out on anyone ever.

I'm very interested in this subject, and a friend of mine told me he knew this mean INFJ, who dated his best friend (so I took the time to go meet her); he was wrong, she wasn't INFJ, but an ISTJ (and just mistyped her). I always try to find counter-examples to the stereotypes in the literature, to make sure they're accurate.

Do you agree think your roommate just wants alone time or do you think it might be something else? Did you used to get along and it fell apart, or was it shit from the start?

Can anyone else share stories of vindictive and mean INFJs?

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Can you give me more details on why you think he's an INFJ?

I don't doubt he is, I just want more detail. I only know 3 INFJs and don't know any unbalanced or mean ones (and can't imagine them acting like your roommate, even on a bad day); though I'm sure they exist. One INFJ friend is severely depressed because he had a pretty horrible childhood and family life, but he never takes it out on anyone ever.

I'm very interested in this subject, and a friend of mine told me he knew this mean INFJ, who dated his best friend (so I took the time to go meet her); he was wrong, she wasn't INFJ, but an ISTJ (and just mistyped her). I always try to find counter-examples to the stereotypes in the literature, to make sure they're accurate.

Do you agree think your roommate just wants alone time or do you think it might be something else? Did you used to get along and it fell apart, or was it shit from the start?

Can anyone else share stories of vindictive and mean INFJs?

He's definitely not a thinker or an extravert. He uses a lot of symbolism in his language (N). While watching David Carradine's Kung Fu series he goes into a kind of wishy washy philosophical mode and starts talking all kinds of crap, which seems to point to N and F, whereas I am only interested in fight sequences, which are almost nonexistent in that show.

He also plays guitar, badly. The way he sings to himself leaves little doubt in my mind that he is a feeler.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Can you give me more details on why you think he's an INFJ?

I don't doubt he is, I just want more detail. I only know 3 INFJs and don't know any unbalanced or mean ones (and can't imagine them acting like your roommate, even on a bad day); though I'm sure they exist. One INFJ friend is severely depressed because he had a pretty horrible childhood and family life, but he never takes it out on anyone ever.

I'm very interested in this subject, and a friend of mine told me he knew this mean INFJ, who dated his best friend (so I took the time to go meet her); he was wrong, she wasn't INFJ, but an ISTJ (and just mistyped her). I always try to find counter-examples to the stereotypes in the literature, to make sure they're accurate.

Do you agree think your roommate just wants alone time or do you think it might be something else? Did you used to get along and it fell apart, or was it shit from the start?

Can anyone else share stories of vindictive and mean INFJs?

One of the reasons I don't push back is because I know it is a product of low self-esteem. I don't really want to make his life any more miserable than it already is, even if he is making my life miserable.

In a way is good because it gives my lazy int(P) ass enough insentive to go buy a house.
:spam2:

 

[LostInNerSpace]

I'll give what bothers me as an INFJ in case this helps:

I know one thing I do have against roommates is that they always want to have a conversation with me when I'm experiencing the only fix of alone time I can get. I'm really sensitive to stimulation and when I can't find perfect quiet somewhere I slowly turn into a monster over the course of weeks. Sometimes I go out into my car in the parking garage late at night because no one is in it and I can just lounge in my car and read or something. Maybe offer this piece of advice: The room can be a sanctuary when it's got one bed in it, otherwise get up and go somewhere else when you want to be alone. It's a sad truth I have come to learn.

This sounds just like him. Fortunately I don't actually share a room with him. I would have killed him and stuffed him in the closet by now.