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[NF] NF and the Green Eyed Monster--JeaLousy!

Santosha

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I am very curious about NF's and jealousy.

That ugly, innapropriate, and uncomfortable emotion that can rear its head, even amongst the most secure and confidant of people. Personally, I think jealousy is a very normal emotion.. (as long as it doesn't affect functionability or become compulsive).. but I am curious how you NF's have felt and dealt with jealousy.

Do you think certain NF types are more prone to jealousy than others? For instance, E's because they seek external validity more? Or I's because they struggle socially?

Do you think feelers are more likely to be jealous than thinkers?

Do you think S is more likely to be jealous of possessions, or status, while N's are more prone to be jealous of relationships or loved ones?

What types of things, if any, have you felt jealous over?

I am trying to see if there is a pattern amongst mbti types.
 

INTP

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what i have noticed on the internets is that its more common with FJ types to get jealous.

also i think it has something to do with dynamics between two types. for example ENP types might seem like they are at risk of cheating to SFJ types because their basic interaction style with people is quite often seen as flirty etc to SFJ types, especially with opposite sex
 

BAJ

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I'm not sure if you can measure NFs in general by my standards.

I would say that I although I can have some strong feelings about it, nobody belongs to me. They belong to themselves. I don't try to clip their wings or put them in a box or a cage. I go bite my pillow and cry about it.

If you are trying to decide a dog between two people, then the dog is likely to go the person with four pounds of fried bacon stuffed in their pants. I want the dog to love me, but bless the dog. I'm not comparing people to dogs here. I'm talking about actual dogs. I guess the metaphor can be with people too. However, I have good relationship with my dog. I can speak to her and she'll come to me instead, but I want her to be friendly and learn to like other people in case I'm not around.

You know, it's funny. My dog was way more shy, but now my neighbor got three little dogs. Now if anyone is giving those dogs attention, she wants to push them out of the way and get attention too. She used to hide from everyone, and I've tried to make her more trusting, but she really got jealous of those small dogs.

Also, jealousy is akin to envy. OMG. Envy is horrible. Yet, if I can't have what they have either romantically or materially, I convince myself that I have mystical abilities that are a greater treasure.
 

Lauren

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I don't know if NF types are more prone to it. Probably not. E vs I: I've known some extraverts who will display jealousy more openly or at least I can see it in them at work. If I feel jealous, I try not to show it and dispel it as soon as possible. I let people do what they want with whom they want and I'll disappear from the picture. I don't like clinging to anyone. Jealousy is incredibly corrosive to one's heart and mind. If you're jealous, it's because the object of your jealousy has something that you should be working on or want and should pursue in your own life.

When I was in my teens, I was jealous of friends who I perceived as stealing away my good friends. I eventually learned that if they were my true friends, we would remain friends. And if they could be stolen away from me, they weren't good friends to begin with. I was a little needy in this way. Conversely, I had in my early 20s a couple of women friends who were very needy and were jealous of not having all my time and attention or who were competitive with me. I just let these friendships go as I can't stand to be smothered like that.
 

SilkRoad

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I can get very jealous but it is highly unlikely that most people would notice it. I am pretty reserved about showing a lot of emotions unless they are playful or friendly. Sometimes people can see that I am angry or stressed, but even then, if I allow them to see it, I'm probably trying to add a bit of a self-deprecating tone to keep it light.

But getting back to the jealousy thing...I don't have so much experience of it in a romantic relationship. I actually went out with a guy who was quite flirty/charming and the jealousy was more of an issue after we broke up...which is a bit stupid, I know. I think while we were in a relationship, I just trusted him implicitly (probably unwise!). Afterwards, unfortunately we were in a situation where we still saw each other pretty regularly and I would see red when I saw him flirting with other girls. Totally unhealthy, I know. I was young ;) and it was a lousy situation to be in. I don't think it was very visible, though it did get back to me once that someone had caught the dirty look I'd shot her after my ex had been having a flirty conversation with her.

I think I am more likely to get jealous of situations. I have sometimes found myself jealous of a friend who announces her engagement, not because I'm secretly in love with her fiance - which would never cross my mind - but because I wonder if I'm going to find a lasting relationship and it is something I'd like to have. But it passes, and then I can feel happy for them. I have also been jealous of close friends who got to know each other partly through me, but later becamse somewhat closer with each other than they were with me. But it also passes and I accept it.

I certainly wouldn't say jealousy is something that has had a destructive effect on my life in terms of making me do unwise or unpleasant things. But there have been times when it has done some nasty things to my mind and heart, even if it's almost invisible to others. I am aware that it is something I need to fight.
 

Santosha

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SilkRoad ~ Thanks for the input! I do think that the NF "idealist" might be a bit more prone to trying to bury these emotions when they emerge, seeing them as "not very ideal." And thats why I wanted to open this thread.. because OFCOURSE jealousy is an extremely vulnerable and sometimes unbecoming feeling. But the truth is.. everyone has felt it from time to time. I am apt to believe that NF's in general would be more prone to jealousy over relations, as you mentioned a friends engagement. I have been a bit jealous too when my best friends tied the knot. And not because I don't want them to have what they have, I would never want to take that from them.. just wish I had it myself sometimes. When I was younger I too would feel a bit of jealousy when I introduced good friends and saw their friendship blossom into more than ours was.

Getting older, I've found ways to offset jealous feelings. Usually, when a bout hits (rare but when it does it hits HARD, Fi) I try to rationalize the situation. Logically talking myself through it.. why I feel this way, how I need to work on myself to have what ever it may be I'm jealous over, remembering that at my core I believe we are ALL connected, and that a success for anyone is a success for all, etc.

As an ENFP I've noticed that I get jealous with fun and travel. Yes isn't this SILLY?! But when close friends or family members get to travel a few times a year, and I'm stuck working to pay the bills or for school, I tend to get REALLY crabby! I have to talk myself through it and realize that these people have worked very hard and strategically to make this happen. After getting devastatingly bummed out about this a few times, I finally just took a job with an airline!

I've noticed that my SFJ friends get jealous over possessions! Maybe its just them I'm not sure. Its funny because I have NEVER been jealous over how big someones house is, who many boats or toys they have, etc. I've always known that with that house and toys comes a big mortgage and loan payments, which to me equals lots of OBLIGATION, which equals not much fun =)

My NT brother and NT friends seem to get jealous over professional acheivement. They would never outwardly admit to jealousy.. but I've seen them become irritated when another person gets promoted or complimented alot on intelligence if they do not believe said person to be better at it than them. Again, I've never felt jealous over anothers carreer success.. only experiences and human relations.
 

Santosha

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Anyone else willing to reveal when there Green Eyed Monster has hit? How they overcome or deal with these feelings?
 

SilkRoad

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You know, I totally hear you about experiences and human relations! I think that's what it comes down for me too. I've actually been fortunate to be able to travel a lot, but there have been times when someone took a trip I really wanted to take or whatever and it just wasn't possible for me then, and yeah, I could be jealous of something like that too. Possessions/achievement, also not so much. But above all, definitely mostly friendship and romantic relationship stuff.

I started a thread entitled "my girlfriend is ultra-jealous" (something I heard someone say!) in the Relationships forum...you might want to have a look there...a bit different from this but you might find it interesting! ;)
 

Lily flower

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I am never jealous about "things" or wanting stuff, careers, or my husband, since he is very faithful.

But I do tend to be jealous of friendships - when I am good friends with women, I tend to feel threatened when they have other good friends. I try not to ever express it or make it an issue, but it's there internally.
 

disregard

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^ yes I can totally relate to jealousy with friendships.

I remember when a good friend of mine at work and I were just getting to know each other, she casually mentioned how a friend/coworker of ours (with whom she's worked for 5 years) and she had just gone shoe shopping together to find shoes like mine. Immediately I thought, They must hang out all the time! What a third wheel I am! but when talking to her later, upon saying something to the extent of "you guys must hang out all the time", she said that was the first time they'd hung out!

I'm prone to such fears ("they like each other way more than they like me!"), which act as an accelerant to jealousy. Jealousy a secondary emotion. It's like anger from hurt.
 

Such Irony

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I've always had issues with jealousy. I got jealous when my younger sister got married because she is several years younger than me. Somehow, I thought I was suppposed to be the first one. I'm jealous when people get promotions, especially when they already had a job to begin with that I would have liked to have. I've never been promoted in my life and there are people younger than me in their 20's getting promotions. I'm jealous when others get to travel the world and I'm lucky to be able to afford a trip into the next state. I'm jealous of other peoples' parents. Like they understood their children more and weren't so overprotective of them and had more faith in their abilities. I'm jealous of people who are seemingly more well-rounded than I am. I'm good at academic type stuff but not a whole lot else. Other people are just as good at academic type stuff in addition to sports, music, and art. It hardly seems fair. I know there's no sense of entitlement and life isn't always fair but I've always had this strong need for a sense of equalness.

What usually pulls me out of this funk is thinking about people who obviously have it way worse than me. For example, someone in a ravished third-world country who has never had access to sanitary conditions, where disease and war are rampant, as well as illiteracy. Then I start feeling guilty for having it as good as I do.
 

nolla

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It's not often that I feel jealous, but the times I do, it annoys me a lot because I can't trust my decision making at all. I'm not jealous about anything else than relationships, really. Well, it seems they are just about the only things that matter to me, in a way. And the times I've gotten jealous is when I have allowed myself to think like I can make demands on someone, or expect them to be something. There seems to be this threshold after which all the rules change. Not cool. Today it is ok for you to do anything you want, tomorrow I expect that whatever you do is somehow concentrated around me. I need to kick this habit. Maybe deep down I don't trust people.
 

chachamaru

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I get jealous over the stupidest things. But I reason myself out of it.

They deserve the spotlight.
She is prettier.
He is more interesting.

So I just swallow it. And try to fade into the background.

Trying to make the jealous feelings go away. They are mostly gone, but it's still kinda there. Vaguely.
 

Santosha

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I get jealous over the stupidest things. But I reason myself out of it.

They deserve the spotlight.
She is prettier.
He is more interesting.

So I just swallow it. And try to fade into the background.

Trying to make the jealous feelings go away. They are mostly gone, but it's still kinda there. Vaguely.

Exactly! That is exactly what I've done since I've been older, tried to REASON or rationalize my neg emotions. To you think this is some Te coming out, or do you think it's Fi trying to push it down?
 

chachamaru

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Exactly! That is exactly what I've done since I've been older, tried to REASON or rationalize my neg emotions. To you think this is some Te coming out, or do you think it's Fi trying to push it down?

Both? I think it's irrational that I/we feel this way... this jealous...
It's an attempt at maturity and not getting our feelings hurt, perhaps.
 

Such Irony

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I get jealous over the stupidest things. But I reason myself out of it.

They deserve the spotlight.
She is prettier.
He is more interesting.

So I just swallow it. And try to fade into the background.

Trying to make the jealous feelings go away. They are mostly gone, but it's still kinda there. Vaguely.

Those last two in particular have been issues for me as well. I used to not care that much that others were prettier than I am. Now I have taken alot of notice to that depressing fact. I guess its partly because I'm not in a relationship and I'm starting to realize that looks may not be so important in the long run but they do tend to be important for initially being attracted to someone. And you have to have that initial attraction for a relationship to even begin. Looking at all your pictures kind of saddens me because I look so frumpy compared to most of you on here. Sure, people tend to just post their best photos and avoid posting the bad ones but even so my better photos are probably no better or even worse than what some of you would consider bad photos. On the other hand, I feel like others deserve to be prettier or more attractive because they probably put more time into making sure they looking attractive. I don't put alot of time into it and my priorities tend to lie elsewhere but I still get some twinge of jealousy anyway.

I also get jealous of others' "interestingness." Other people seem more unique- in a good sort of way. They are able to express that individuality without turning people away. I also get jealous of the good ideas that other people have. Some of the things people come up with, I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.
 

Santosha

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Those last two in particular have been issues for me as well. I used to not care that much that others were prettier than I am. Now I have taken alot of notice to that depressing fact. I guess its partly because I'm not in a relationship and I'm starting to realize that looks may not be so important in the long run but they do tend to be important for initially being attracted to someone. And you have to have that initial attraction for a relationship to even begin. Looking at all your pictures kind of saddens me because I look so frumpy compared to most of you on here. Sure, people tend to just post their best photos and avoid posting the bad ones but even so my better photos are probably no better or even worse than what some of you would consider bad photos. On the other hand, I feel like others deserve to be prettier or more attractive because they probably put more time into making sure they looking attractive. I don't put alot of time into it and my priorities tend to lie elsewhere but I still get some twinge of jealousy anyway.

I also get jealous of others' "interestingness." Other people seem more unique- in a good sort of way. They are able to express that individuality without turning people away. I also get jealous of the good ideas that other people have. Some of the things people come up with, I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.

I wouldn't get down on yourself about being frumpy. Ya I do see alot of super hot women meet guys quick, AND lose them quick =P Infact, I am a bit put off by really gorgeous people. I know its kind of shitty, but I SWEAR that it seems like those really really cute people have had relations come so easy to them growing up, and its made them a bit one-dimensional. The rest of us have had to work on other qualities (more important qualities) like being nice, funny, smart, a good person, etc.

I am a TOTAL smartass with my boyfriend sometimes. If we go out and he notices some glamorous bombshell with huge fake boobs, platinum blonde hair, and a waist that probably hasn't eaten in 2 years.. I will always say something like.. "Look at the poor women.. how sad, SAD SAD SAD, it must be terrible to be so disfigured!" And he will look at me like WHAT? And I will say, "FOr christ sakes LOOK AT HER! She is about to topple over with those double D's on a that stick body, and her skin! OMG her skin.. soo overly tanned she looks like a baseball mit! Ya, I feel bad for that one." and then i will laugh and he will see that I'm really being a sarcastic goofball. I know for a fact that my goofball-ness is TOTALLY what he loves in me.
 

Such Irony

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Doesn't it... feel good to talk about it?

Yes, even though I know its mostly counterproductive and doesn't really solve much of anything.

I wouldn't get down on yourself about being frumpy. Ya I do see alot of super hot women meet guys quick, AND lose them quick =P Infact, I am a bit put off by really gorgeous people. I know its kind of shitty, but I SWEAR that it seems like those really really cute people have had relations come so easy to them growing up, and its made them a bit one-dimensional. The rest of us have had to work on other qualities (more important qualities) like being nice, funny, smart, a good person, etc.

Not every super gorgeous person is one-dimensional. I see several photos of people on this forum I'd classify as super gorgeous and they are great people character wise.
 

Santosha

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Yes, even though I know its mostly counterproductive and doesn't really solve much of anything.



Not every super gorgeous person is one-dimensional. I see several photos of people on this forum I'd classify as super gorgeous and they are great people character wise.

This is true. And ofcourse no one can really be one-dimensional, but I do occasionally come across people that rely on their appearance more than personality IRL. I didn't mean to reference anyone here.. I don't even look at other peoples pics on here lol.

I think a *key* factor in keeping jealousy at bay is to realize that no one really has it all. Atleast thats how I try to reason with myself. In highschool I had a few friends that people tended to be jealous of.. because they were very pretty, smart, social girls. From the outside, no one knew that one of them had an eating disorder, one of them was sexually abused by her dad, one of them had a crazy alcoholic mother. I know for a fact that all of these friends would have given much if not all of their sparkley charisma away to not have had to go through these things.
 
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