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vannawilde
New member
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2016
- Messages
- 12
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 7w8
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/so
"You're the most profoundly free person I know"
Definitely my favourite compliment to date.
Definitely my favourite compliment to date.
I met this guy on gay dating app about four months back, and the first time he met me he outright told me he's going through major depression (attempted suicide once last year). We met up a couple of times in the first two months. One time he shared his story with me, as well as having me read parts of his diary (many social injustices, traumas, and several larger-than-fiction events were against him). About two months after, he attempted another suicide by poisoning. I rushed to the hospital and spent the whole day and night there with his mother and sister, witnessing him shaking uncontrollably, yelling inexplicable words, soiled himself – his eyes were opened but his consciousness gone. Fortunately he gained some sense about 2am in the morning, and the next day I picked him up from a mental ward which he was supposed to transfer to, but his mother refused.
I never loved someone romantically in my life - had a few sexual partners, but in general my life had been pretty devoid of physical intimacy despite being popular. He truly was the first person beside family I cared for intensely. I did not know it was love back then - I thought it was just the love for humanity that drove me to want to be with him, or my ideals of his beauty that I see beyond the depression.
After he went home, his condition barely improved. A week after we decided to admit him to a public hospital, despite how horrid the condition of the place was. It was to keep him from harming himself. I visited him at the hospital almost everyday for two weeks until the doctor permitted him a "house visit". Now he has been out of the hospital for a bit more than a month, his condition barely improved. He still says "I want it to end" repeatedly whenever he suffers a depressive episode, and all I could do is to hold him, putting my hands on his shaking arms and legs, being as strong as I could. Even on a seemingly good day, when I ask him "how are you", if he replied with "it's okay" or "so-so", actually it meant he still wished to end of life; he affirmed me later that he wasn't being honest since it was very tiring of answering the same thing over and over.
Throughout these past months I have tried my very best to care for him, as a friend, and as someone who loves him. I confessed my love for him one day and he appreciated my honesty, touching my leg and replied with "you deserve better". All these times complex emotions and thoughts flow within me, but fortunately my principles and optimism kept me focused despite what some of my friends would view as unrealistic effort and over-sacrifice. A few of my internal inquiries were: is my help aggravating (too much pressure?), is his ineptitude to love me (and his family) back makes him feel worse about himself, can he see our effort and care through the curtain of depression, and whether how much I can continue with the situation with very minimal communication on his part. When I first affirmed my love to him, I told him not to worry whether he can reciprocate or not, because by giving, I'm learning and growing exponentially. I told him he affected my life in a positive way, even though the situation is utmost dire. But of course, tokens of appreciation, validation and communication would have been nice.
Then one day after we had a long, deep conversation, he said "I find you sweet, I find you attractive. I wish I could explore possibilities with you. But it's unfair to you". It's not exactly a compliment, but after months of haven't seen his smiles or laughs (no matter how weak those were)... being able to feel validated because he views me as such gave me... profoundness. It gave worth to unconditional love, one that derives from the purest of intentions. My apprehension to consider him as anything more than a friend in the beginning (due to our mutual agreement that dating each other when one is severely sick isn't rational) is gone. I will keep supporting him in the best way that I could. And I know the only way I could give such support is that I need to improve myself in a lot of ways - to be the best version of myself (a win-win situation). He might not improve ever, we might never get to experience anything beyond platonic love... but his words that day, was so resonant to my existence.
I never loved someone romantically in my life - had a few sexual partners, but in general my life had been pretty devoid of physical intimacy despite being popular. He truly was the first person beside family I cared for intensely. I did not know it was love back then - I thought it was just the love for humanity that drove me to want to be with him, or my ideals of his beauty that I see beyond the depression.
After he went home, his condition barely improved. A week after we decided to admit him to a public hospital, despite how horrid the condition of the place was. It was to keep him from harming himself. I visited him at the hospital almost everyday for two weeks until the doctor permitted him a "house visit". Now he has been out of the hospital for a bit more than a month, his condition barely improved. He still says "I want it to end" repeatedly whenever he suffers a depressive episode, and all I could do is to hold him, putting my hands on his shaking arms and legs, being as strong as I could. Even on a seemingly good day, when I ask him "how are you", if he replied with "it's okay" or "so-so", actually it meant he still wished to end of life; he affirmed me later that he wasn't being honest since it was very tiring of answering the same thing over and over.
Throughout these past months I have tried my very best to care for him, as a friend, and as someone who loves him. I confessed my love for him one day and he appreciated my honesty, touching my leg and replied with "you deserve better". All these times complex emotions and thoughts flow within me, but fortunately my principles and optimism kept me focused despite what some of my friends would view as unrealistic effort and over-sacrifice. A few of my internal inquiries were: is my help aggravating (too much pressure?), is his ineptitude to love me (and his family) back makes him feel worse about himself, can he see our effort and care through the curtain of depression, and whether how much I can continue with the situation with very minimal communication on his part. When I first affirmed my love to him, I told him not to worry whether he can reciprocate or not, because by giving, I'm learning and growing exponentially. I told him he affected my life in a positive way, even though the situation is utmost dire. But of course, tokens of appreciation, validation and communication would have been nice.
Then one day after we had a long, deep conversation, he said "I find you sweet, I find you attractive. I wish I could explore possibilities with you. But it's unfair to you". It's not exactly a compliment, but after months of haven't seen his smiles or laughs (no matter how weak those were)... being able to feel validated because he views me as such gave me... profoundness. It gave worth to unconditional love, one that derives from the purest of intentions. My apprehension to consider him as anything more than a friend in the beginning (due to our mutual agreement that dating each other when one is severely sick isn't rational) is gone. I will keep supporting him in the best way that I could. And I know the only way I could give such support is that I need to improve myself in a lot of ways - to be the best version of myself (a win-win situation). He might not improve ever, we might never get to experience anything beyond platonic love... but his words that day, was so resonant to my existence.
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