[INFP] INFP-The cold shoulder-the ignoring......

[Soar337]

Do any other INFP's happen to ignore someone who has hurt/dumped them?

 

[iwakar]

Doubtless, as would many others.

 

[KDude]

Generally speaking, probably. But I end up coming around too, I guess. Example: There was one girl I was really serious about when I was younger, and although we didn't get to know each other enough, it was going well for a month or so. And some "friend", god knows why (no..I know why), got her alone one day and spread a bunch of crap about how I was using her. The old "he doesn't love you" jealous friend trick. Somehow it worked. She wouldn't answer my calls, and finally when she did, she just screamed into the phone. I didn't know what was going on at the time, so it was just confusion on top of sadness.. and then she started sleeping around to "get back at me". Then it was real heartbreak. I kind of caved in and didn't talk to anyone, let alone her. Fast forward a few years later though.. For various reasons, she had become part of my circle of friends again. So I couldn't avoid her. So I'd try to just say what's up and be civil. But we actually started getting along again. We had a lot of similar tastes and she was still easy to talk to. The past was kind of barely spoken about.. and she apologized and explained to me what happened. At that point, I already had an idea. That "friend" had pulled that with other people's girlfriends too. You could say that in the end, I shut him out. Not her.

Not sure why I need to tell a story.. I guess some people would hold it against her too. I don't think I go that far.

 

[Lauren]

Generally speaking, probably. But I end up coming around too, I guess. Example: There was one girl I was really serious about when I was younger, and although we didn't get to know each other enough, it was going well for a month or so. And some "friend", god knows why (no..I know why), got her alone one day and spread a bunch of crap about how I was using her. The old "he doesn't love you" jealous friend trick. Somehow it worked. She wouldn't answer my calls, and finally when she did, she just screamed into the phone. I didn't know what was going on at the time, so it was just confusion on top of sadness.. and then she started sleeping around to "get back at me". Then it was real heartbreak. I kind of caved in and didn't talk to anyone, let alone her. Fast forward a few years later though.. For various reasons, she had become part of my circle of friends again. So I couldn't avoid her. So I'd try to just say what's up and be civil. But we actually started getting along again. We had a lot of similar tastes and she was still easy to talk to. The past was kind of barely spoken about.. and she apologized and explained to me what happened. At that point, I already had an idea. That "friend" had pulled that with other people's girlfriends too. You could say that in the end, I shut him out. Not her.

Not sure why I need to tell a story.. I guess some people would hold it against her too. I don't think I go that far.

Actually, I think it's great that you didn't hold it against her. It sounds like you had a sense of what was happening at the time and couldn't prevent it. I think it's good to realize that sometimes, bad things happen and that the people you care for fall for it and you can't do anything to prevent it. She sounds like she was able to let it go as well. So, I say, well done on both your parts, to let it go.

 

[Elfboy]

I wouldn't say I ignore people most the time, but I certainly display a colder, more formal TJ side of my personality. can't say how it is for INFPs, but I think most ENFPs are too naturally assertive to be good at ignoring people (I've tried, but failed miserably lol)

 

[BAJ]

I have a shield wall, or I can raise the draw bridge. Yes, I can ignore people. Typically I would go for a walk (if I can). I usually have to get out their presence. Once I even changed my phone number.


Edit: Also, if you push me too far, I'll refer you to this thread.

 

[Onceajoan]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do any other INFP's happen to ignore someone who has hurt/dumped them?

Doubtless, as would many others.

^ Yep.

 

[Synapse]

I can't tell these days whether its ignorance, neglect or stress or more. Nope, I want to de stress and communicate with too many people and end up living in my own world. Unintentional, I become distracted, stressed and the social facilitation to be social and communicative tends to be absent for days, weeks, months or years depends then out of the blue I'll say something and its like wait a minute I thought you thought that I thought you thought that wah!

There are friends of past that think I am ignoring them and its untrue. I got a lecture from a real life friend that you know buddy you mustn't take your friends for granted. If you don't initiate then don't expect us to go out of our way to include you in social activity. Little they know while they earn great incomes I am stressed beyond belief and can't afford much and its better this way so maybe I am ignoring out of stress, pride and shame. Unintentional, plus if I don't know what to say because I'm aware of thoughts that happen just don't know what to say and am in observance rather than let friends know whats going on. Or rather the initiative, the painfully obvious, does escape me sometimes and its to do with the delayed response I have to friends and events sometimes and such.

I suppose I did a cold shoulder on a blog once, where I stopped expressing my negativity while restoring my health which was seen as insincere.

 

[entropie]

It's a sign of mismanagement: you always need a masterplan or an ace in the back of your hand in case someone is going to hurt or dumb you. Then when they do you let their dumbing ricochet with double the force and then watch them withering to an end smoking a cigar.

From that time on, everytime you feel like it, you may call your victims and ask if they still remember how they wanted to dumb you that other day and you may smile heartly saying: that was a great day !

Seriously, you're all doing it wrong

 

[KDude]

Seriously, you're all doing it wrong

I'm doing it the way I'm doing it. It's right because I say it is. I'm not much for all this preplanning anyways. Shit happens with people, man. I don't need to have an ace in the back of my hand like it's all some heist movie or something. And in the case I mentioned (the story above), I got a friend out of it getting over an issue. We've been friends on that level for around 10 years now. In the end, it'd be ridiculous to call what I did wrong. As far as dealing with people who hurt you go, it's all situational. Sometimes people aren't even "enemies", and that's the point of my story. If people are enemies though, I'll deal with them situationally too.

 

[entropie]

Actually I was referring to a lack of self - confidence and that is what "ignoring problems" to me is. Of course I know to some people this is easy to say and that there is a long process behind, to develop self-confidence. But just ignoring problems cant be the right way, wont ever be

 

[CrystalViolet]

^But if they are people problems, the people that are problems go away eventually.

 

[entropie]

Sure. You infp's posess the ability to be yourself most of the time, to me it's not that easy. if I am in a relationship that played out badly for me, even after leaving it and ignoring everything involved a huge deal of change thru that time remains in me. The only option to get that out of my system is facing the issues, ignoring it ever happened wouldnt bring back peace for me.

Of course I agree from some people you just can only walk away and try to mask your phone number so they dont find you again. Yet from my personal experience until now, being together with an infp, somehow infp's do have the habit of getting into situations like that in the first place. When I watch my girlfriend especially her "cold shoulder" attitude she can present, can be a huge problem for more primitive masculine man and things like changing her telephone number or even moving to another city to get away are things she lived thru aswell.

So I am wondering who the victim is in that case, you know ?

 

[KDude]

Actually I was referring to a lack of self - confidence and that is what "ignoring problems" to me is. Of course I know to some people this is easy to say and that there is a long process behind, to develop self-confidence. But just ignoring problems cant be the right way, wont ever be

Heh. I don't know how you jumped to lack of self-confidence. It's too bad we're on in the internet though. It's bad enough that there is a lot of typological stereotyping in people's minds too. It's just assumption on top of assumption. People can't communicate on an actual realistic level here sometimes. And it forces me to promote myself more than I care to. Needless to say, I'm just a normal dude, neither lacking or overconfident. I have enough confidence to say though that you wouldn't have thought about saying that offline. I know what kind of presence I can create. I would have at least earned a basic level of respect where you wouldn't even think that, and we wouldn't touch on this. I'll even add that I know why this girl cheated on me and wigged out. She felt insecure. And I had a friend who used some of my positive traits against me. If I lacked that much confidence, I wouldn't say this.

Meh. The reason why I ignored an issue is because I can forgive people and see that it was more complicated than just "me getting hurt". If you don't understand that, that's fine with me. Just don't bother patronizing me just because you don't understand it. It's a waste of time.

 

[entropie]

Heh. I don't know how you jumped to lack of self-confidence. It's too bad we're on in the internet though. It's bad enough that there is a lot of typological stereotyping in people's minds too. It's just assumption on top of assumption. People can't communicate on an actual realistic level here sometimes. And it forces me to promote myself more than I care to. Needless to say, I'm just a normal dude, neither lacking or overconfident. I have enough confidence to say though that you wouldn't have thought about saying that offline. I know what kind of presence I can create. I would have at least earned a basic level of respect where you wouldn't even think that, and we wouldn't touch on like this. I'll even add that I know why this girl cheated on me and wigged out. She felt insecure. And I had a friend who used some of my positive traits against me. If I lacked confidence, I wouldn't say this.

Meh. The reason why I ignored an issue is because I can forgive people and see that it was more complicated than just "me getting hurt". If you don't understand that, that's fine with me. Just don't bother patronizing me just because you don't understand it. It's a waste of time.

I am not talking about the confidence to enter a fistfight for the good at any given time. I am not questioning your temperament nor was I talking about you in particular. The fact is everybody on the world doesnt have enough self-confidence always at any given moment. If we had we'ld all be president. Even you just threatened me, because you thought I am criticizing you; if you tho have enough confidence, why then threaten others who think differently ?

This becomes a discussion of two worlds, we have to make this clear first. I am not questioning your integrity or your ability to make the right decision, nor am I questioning your heart. One of the most difficult things in talking with infps is to get them on a rational objective level of discussion first where they dont connect everything the other person says with themselves and dont take everything personal. This is difficult and it does always make the guy trieing it look like an asshole. So here on the purely obective level: "ignoring a situation, isnt the solution." Yet on an emotional level "ignoring a situation, can be a very good solution."

I am not questioning the way you handled yourself, I think you did the right thing. Yet it's a mystery to me why especially infps do tend to get into situations like that. Therefore my self-confidence remark, cause I think confidence starts in the brain and it has to do with control and discipline over ones own emotions.

Yet I am convinced we wont meet common ground here, cause I think we engage on a fundamental T-F difference. To me it is a pain to see my infp girlfriend sometimes being a slave to her own emotions and how it hurts her, tho she could be so stronger and just hover above things. In that regards tho you can say aswell, when I am hovering over things, ignoring a lot of the emotions involved, I am doing nothing else than showing the cold shoulder.

I can find no way out of this maze

 

[KDude]

I didn't want to sound like I was threatening you. I meant that offline you would probably just see me as fairly typical guy (I guess)... we probably would just be bullshitting and that angle to it wouldn't come up. Nothing obvious at least.. like cowering body language, with some t-shirt that says "I'm a sensitive INFP"

Anyways, it's funny that you're already resigned to not finding common ground. It's not that hopeless. You're explaining yourself, and it sounds like you weren't as serious I thought. At first, it sounded like you were trying to say you had a better way for all of us to handle things. If not, it's cool.

 

[Onceajoan]

At first, it sounded like you were trying to say you had a better way for all of us to handle things. If not, it's cool.

You're giving him too much credit, IMO. That's exactly what he was doing.

 

[entropie]

You're giving him too much credit, IMO. That's exactly what he was doing.

You are really joke - resistant in that corner of the forum, aint you ?

 

[KDude]

It's cool. I never exactly take ENTPs seriously anyways, unless explicitly stated. Whether it was joking or not, things tend to change with them.

 

[entropie]

Think you dont know them then. They often use sarcasm or irony to convey an idea and they measure the standpoint of their partner in discussion by examining how he reacts to the idea. This's probably not the nicest way but you learn a lot about the other persons personality, where he stands in life and what experiences he has gathered so far. By only reacting to some simple questions, the other person draws you a big picture that gets filled with information in an instant. Information you basically only feel and that you'ld need time for to express in real words. It's not like this the last image you'ld trust about a person then, but generally your first gut feeling is right and you can always trust it.

That in combination with a more misanthrophic view of the world, maybe is the needed security shield you could have to ward yourself against 99% of all bad things. Only thing you'ld have to give away for that is a lot of emotion involved, you'ld basically need to be in control of the situation and it would take you a phlegmatic eternity to show some feelings at all at some point. The good side of this thing but is, you learn a lot about the universe and you are basically caught in a big situation of ideas everytime which lets you think about even the most dumb and evil people, "ok he has something inside of him".

The sad side is, tho the entp would have some kind of life wisdom, since he has been peaking thru the key hole for all his life, he is never taken seriously on the contrary, it's rather the case that he is hunted down. The people with the baddest imagination, which are those you really need to talk clearly to in a discussion all the time, as in boring and which virtually have zero sense for recognizing a joke are kinda the easiest ones to manipulate. These are those people who have their hearts on their tongue and you'ld only need to project an aura of seriousness and you can make them do anything you want.

So in essence, wouldnt it be good for everyone to become a little bit entp, to ward himself against evil influence, by putting value into abstract conversations, which do not involve to much reality in the first place. Or by testing the other persons intelligence and therefore keeping your own independence, if you tell him one thing ironically to then see how he reacts and to see how much he knows you already ?

Dont you think the lack of fantasy is the death to everything ? I do not understand why one always needs to be dead serious when he talks about emotions