[MBTI General] how to make friends at 40?

[BAJ]

I'm about to turn 40, and I've basically been without irl social groups for about 6 years. I work on a farm in a rural area.

I've been deeply craving some psychological intimacy, and perhaps a few hugs. There are numerous options to increase this potential.

One thing, I'm combing "meet up groups" listings, and I've started posting here. I've increased letter writing and emails.

I've went out and interviewed people who seem to be artists of one kind or another, trying to find where people go within 100 miles of my location.

Also, I made the three and a half hour drive back to visit my sisters, parents, nieces and nephew last weekend (220 miles). (100% chance of hugs there.)

As for meet up groups, most have positions which are "off" from my own. I joined two free-thought societies, but I'm not a militant atheist. (I've not been to any of their events yet.) I went to mass last Sunday, though I'm not really Catholic or exclusively Catholic. I believe in similar principles to Jesus, but I'm probably more Buddhist than Christian.

Browsing around I found many things like "County Patriots", let's take our country back or something. NO! Too confrontational. One club raises chickens in their backyard

How much would you compromise to get some hugs? Zero chameleon-ization? I could, of course, convince them that I am the same faith, but I would feel bad about it.

Maybe I should just wander around randomly and be nice to people.

Although I'm currently considering myself to be slightly F, there is a lot of social awkwardness and shyness in there.

I did join a group that is one hour away that simply meets to see movies. That looks pretty good, but it is one hour away, and it will take lots of time before psychological intimacy would develop there.

 

[Spamtar]

Join a club(s).

Preferably ones that make you wear a funny hat (as long as its not made out of a white sheet).

And move to where the fucken people are.

 

[BAJ]

Oh, hah. That sounds like tremendous fun. Perhaps I could go get a big collection of funny hats, and then try to attract people to me. Actually, I think I tried this. It didn't work. Also, I don't know where these clubs are. List?

It seems obvious! Move to the people!

However, I live in a rural area, and my professional career is agriculture, especially fish farming. I work on a farm, and they provide me with a place to live. This provides a 40 acre fenced in yard for my dog, who I love dearly.

Although I like the opera, theaters, art galleries, etc., I don't know how I could move to the city. I don't know how I'd care for my dog there. Also, I do not know what I could do for employment there. I like my job, except for the lack of people.

 

[Spamtar]

Oh well. Welcome here. Its a start... I will be your friend for what its worth (after you get to know me better you can always unfriend me later with no hard feelings lol)

The virtual world has its perks. Post here and consider showing up for one of the irl gettogethers for laughs (not a serious strategy of course)

However real world does have its perks. Perhaps adopt a city/urban area to be your playground.

They got a bunch of different clubs, especially for 40 somethings out there. Lot of them have animal names Lions, Elks, Kiwanis etc... Consider mixing business with pleasure but at the same time avoid getting scammed (i.e. avoid the bernard madoff; perhaps a tax write-off can be discovered in the adventure.

also consider adopting a strategy of makeing friends as a day to day game. This is a classic for some basic strategies http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/14..._m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1FE5Q3ER29GJ8YAFSBV7

 

[whatusername]

The chicken-raising club sounds like fun! I'd love to take care of some barnyard animals myself.

I think it's great that you would go out of your way to find friends; not many people would be that courageous (i.e., me). It's a quality that should be admired.

Yes, clubs! The city nearest to you should be a good place to start. Good luck!

 

[Tiltyred]

You want hugs, go to AA meetings. They're definitely huggers.

What about massage therapy? Are there any massage therapists within driving distance? It's not hugs, but it's human touch...

 

[JoSunshine]

Volunteer! Volunteer! I would probably be a lot easier to find something that meshes with your values in that regard. Is there a hospital, school, animal shelter or some other organizations nearby that might be of interest to you?

 

[BAJ]

You want hugs, go to AA meetings. They're definitely huggers.

...

Good call. It would have to be open meetings since I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic anymore. 12 steps are a great place to start. There's was a local meeting, but it was 100% war stories. The closest other meeting is about 45 miles. I think it's a closed meeting too.

Volunteer! Volunteer! I would probably be a lot easier to find something that meshes with your values in that regard. Is there a hospital, school, animal shelter or some other organizations nearby that might be of interest to you?

Thanks I'll think about this.

 

[Tallulah]

Volunteering is a great idea. Do you live close enough to a college town that you could drive in for a once-a-week class? I find it easier to meet kindred spirits in academics and in activities that I enjoy such as music and theatre. Maybe start a book club in your area? If you play an instrument, post up a flyer and find some people who are interested in jamming. There are probably others around you who like the things you do, but can't find kindred spirits, either.

It might take a while to start friendships from scratch and have them develop into hugging-possibilities. If you're missing physical contact right now, massage isn't a bad idea.

 

[onemoretime]

It would help to know what general part of the world we're talking about. Different places have different options, ya know?

 

[BAJ]

I live in the Florida panhandle. Since it is a farm, the hours increase from about now until August. In the spring, I may work very long hours.

Generally, it seems to be harder to obtain friends as you get older. In high school and college, you are in the same classes and/ or clubs. Then if you have a family, you might meet people because your kids are in the same classes and clubs. If your friends get married, they want to hang out with married people.

I've never had massage. I do believe I'm EXTREMELY ticklish. I'm not sure what would happen if I went to a session.

I'm starting to try to read various threads herein and catch up. I think my Fe is weak! I'm sort of an INXP, but I've come to believe, all things considered, that my NF is stronger. My sister is probably ESFJ (most of my family has no interest in MBTI). She can go somewhere, like Europe, meet people for the first time and spend the weekend hanging out with them. She makes friends just walking into a room. I could go live somewhere, and not know anyone for a while. I've lived in this community for about five years, and I hardly know anyone here.

It's like "The Last Unicorn", she realizes that she hasn't said anything in a long time. I need to be like "The Little Prince" and go on a journey, away from my tree, and my small planet. Etc. Although, I can be a good listener, I need to probably bring out the Fe to meet people. I just need to practice, and try not fight those windmills so much when other people may be watching.

I have some ideas now. I joined a free-though society, but they seem to be close-minded in the sense that they are sort of militant atheists who try to get "In God We Trust" removed from things. I want to join a freer thought society, maybe an "open-minded" society. There is a Unitarian Universalist a hour away, which may be possible some weeks. Also, if I just want hugs, I could just go down to one of the churches and meet people.

An intern here went directly to the nearest Baptist church with his guitar and met more people in a week than I probably have met in my five years here.

Yet, I'd have to be up front about it. I don't think I could just pretend.

 

[onemoretime]

A few ideas:

1. How close to Tallahassee or Gainesville are you? You seem like a very inquisitive person, and a true lifelong learner. Perhaps you could take some weekend classes at Florida State (or UF if Gainesville is closer)? You'd be able to meet people with a wide variety of views and experiences, and discuss things that you find interesting and important.

2. You mention that you are a good listener. If it's psychological intimacy that you want, then there's no better skill that you can have. Volunteering at support groups might play to your strengths.

3. How far are you from the ocean? Would you enjoy going on a deep-sea fishing excursion? Great chance to meet people over the course of a day. I'm not sure, but you might be able to bring your dog, too.

4. How are your cooking skills? Any sort of cook-offs in the area for, say, barbecue?

 

[BAJ]

Tallahassee is about 1 hour, and so is the coast. Both places have a possibilities.

These are good suggestions.

 

[Nijntje]

It's like "The Last Unicorn", she realizes that she hasn't said anything in a long time. I need to be like "The Little Prince" and go on a journey, away from my tree, and my small planet. Etc. Although, I can be a good listener, I need to probably bring out the Fe to meet people. I just need to practice, and try not fight those windmills so much when other people may be watching.

This has nothing to do with anything, but i effing love The Last Unicorn.

Good luck!

 

[Totenkindly]

@baj: Making friends is hard, especially if you're in isolated settings and older. I've had some experience with both. When I was growing up, I was lonely because I lived in the country with few other houses nearby and no real friends my age I connected with. And when I separated from my spouse a few years ago and lost a lot of my social support system, it has been a real struggle to figure out where to go to rebuild, since most women my age (I'm 42) are still married and raising their children. It was like being single all over again and getting dumped into a new culture, where I was never good at random socializing anyway.

I think your thread is a good idea, am glad to see all the various things you're trying, and am glad to see some responses as well. My advice is more just to not give it; it can be demoralizing sometimes when doors might keep shutting or new ventures don't seem to work out, but in the end the only way to find some worthwhile relationships is to fail to connect in a number of others.

Oh well. Welcome here. Its a start... I will be your friend for what its worth (after you get to know me better you can always unfriend me later with no hard feelings lol)

Lol -- I was gonna say, "Yup, that'll cure him. He won't even want friends again after that. Everyone's happy."

This has nothing to do with anything, but i effing love The Last Unicorn.
Good luck!

Great book.

I even liked the cartoon (because it was Rankin-Bass), although it was kind of cobbled together and had a lot of wtf moments in it.

 

[Elfboy]

watch The 40 Year Old Virgin

 

[BAJ]

. My advice is more just to not give it [up]; it can be demoralizing sometimes when doors might keep shutting or new ventures don't seem to work out, but in the end the only way to find some worthwhile relationships is to fail to connect in a number of others.

Yes, I'll have to try to remember this, instead re-doubling my efforts to repair lost causes, or failing to try since the situation is not perfect in the 200 imagined future conversations with that person. It reminds me of the expression, "The perfect is the enemy of the good." I need to remember that!

watch The 40 Year Old Virgin

Oh my. I did one time, and that movie is about too painful and close to home to watch. I had to watch that movie peeking through my fingers.

 

[onemoretime]

Oh my. I did one time, and that movie is about too painful and close to home to watch. I had to watch that movie peeking through my fingers.

Then again, Andy was the most developed human being of any of the characters. That's what made it so funny.

 

[NotOfTwo]

The Last Unicorn was one of the books in my life that changed me. You seem well read, how about book discussion groups? Or a writing class?

 

[PeaceBaby]

How many people are in your small community? Maybe you could start a club yourself - rather than try to find one that fits, make one custom to you. Book club, movie discussion club, the shy over-40 club ... the sky is the limit!

Remember too many people go to church to partake in community and enjoy the social aspects of that, so 100% unquestioning belief is not a prerequisite to be in that environment. Plus, volunteer opportunities abound in church, both inreach and outreach!