[ENFJ] INFP/ENFJ relationship....ruined :/

[lapalm]

Hi everyone

I just figured out my type and have a very important question! I am an over-thinking INFP who cannot make decisions. I recently dated a guy for only a few weeks and I'm almost positive he's an ENFJ.

He's a teacher...really smart and sensible. He cares a lot for people he likes/loves. He...ugh I can't say enough. He was just a really good person that I connected with.

Until I ruined it. I was way overthinking and trying to make sure that the relationship would work in the long run and didn't know if I would like any other guys as much as I would like him so the list goes on. I tried explaining my thoughts but apparently they came out horribly to him. He thought I meant that I was going to cheat on him. I would never do that to anyone. It's not in my cards.

The thing is...he was kind of smothering me. I felt like he wanted so much and told me he could wait but I sensed he couldn't.

It ended with me trying to explain myself and him (after dragging him through my exhausting never ending field of thoughts) saying "I can't do this anymore. You're too stressed and worried about this" and me saying "Wait...let me just explain myself more."

It's been a few months. We haven't talked. Should I contact him again, even though I was the last one to write? Apologize or something. Not with the ulterior motive to "make it work" but moreso to clear up that I am not a crazy person.

Ahh!

I'm new here, so thanks for listening

Your advice/support is much appreciated.

 

[lapalm]

I just did some research on the forum.

Apparently this is a common sticky situation/it has been talked about before.

I probably won't talk to him again, but I am looking for some perspective from ENFJs on how they see the situation.

What might he be thinking or what was he thinking? Could he really just move on because of the mass amount of stress I caused? Couldn't we have just talked it out a little more?

Ugh I feel bad for not realizing what I was doing. At all.

With that being said I have come to the conclusion that I need to get a little more comfortable in my own skin if I want this type (INFP/ENFJ) of relationship to work.

 

[Arclight]

I can only speak for me..
But it all depends on the amount of investment made at the time of feeling overwhelmed.
If it's early and still in the "feeling things out stage" and I have called things off abruptly and not spoken to you in a few months.
I would say my intentions are apparent.
I get to this stage for a few different reasons. I think the person is unstable, either emotionally, mentally ,both or morally not my cup of tea.

Or maybe I just can't deal with the intensity of things.
Not to give you false hope or to dash what hopes you might have.
But sometimes I just need to regroup and an apparent rejection isn't quite what it seems.

If you get in touch with him.. I would advise you be very open with both yourself and him, as to what your intentions truly are.
Which means you should make sure you know this, honestly with yourself.

I am sorry your situation is causing you such hurt and confusion.
I am not at my most soothing right now, but I hope I have been helpful in some way.

 

[Thessaly]

I would say just ask him how he feels, but unless you're face to face he'll likely tell you some spin on how he feels. ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

Chances are you hurt him pretty bad if he hasn't made an attempt to be "friends" as they typically do.

 

[Arclight]

ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

That's a pretty harsh statement, no?

Maybe your ENFJ is dishonest about his feelings?

You seem to have found yourself one that is slightly defective, really immature or both.
You obviously care about this guy.. I just wonder why sometimes..

They say "Charm can get you through the first 20 minutes, after that you better know what you are talking about "
Sounds like you are 22 minutes in and starting to wonder if those first 20 were real or not.

As I mentioned, I am not at my soothing best.. Sorry..

 

[Thessaly]

I don't view it as harsh. It's just what I see time and time again with several of you.

 

[Arclight]

I don't view it as harsh. It's just what I see time and time again with several of you.

The harshness was not in your observation, but rather that you made it against all ENFJs and not just some.

I am pretty certain I am not a pathological liar when it comes to my feelings.
Then again.. I am not certain I am an ENFJ or if ENFJs really even exist.

 

[Thessaly]

meh...Fe and Fi users hold different standards of honesty. Fi says fuck you, while Fe is says fuck you and I hope you have a lovely day.

 

[Amargith]

ENFJs can be quite warm, intoxicating, and yes...smothering. Their way of caring tends to require regular maintenance and has that warm, steady glow feeling to it, whereas our kind is more sporadic but usually a little more intense (in the case of this ENFJ, it was probably intense as well as he was infatuated with you )

And yes, their J kinda demands 'where is this going', whereas we tend to go 'let's just see where it goes, k?' They like to know what the plan is..we like to keep our options open. So he pushed your insecurities and made you feel caged by being so smothering and you triggered his when you went 'dude, can't breathe!'

Next time, you can anticipate them (= J's ) doing this, and stop yourself from panicking in the process. It'll give you some breathing space to reassure him that you're not going anywhere but [insert 'this is me-speech' for understanding]. We (=NFPs) tend to need the time in a relationship to let things grow naturally and get more info to make serious decisions like that, especially if we're rather young. It's a journey. To them it's the destination that matters. It's a matter of striking a balance between those needs by determining goals that you can commit to already (smaller than marriage and kids here!), while leaving the bigger overal journey open still

AS for the situation at hand...if you run into him, say hi. Smile. Make it clear that despite your history together, there are no hard feelings, you just weren't compatible, or it was the wrong time or you were too inexperienced, pick one
See if he responds in kind. If he does, perhaps you can restore a bond as acquaintances and see where it goes

 

[Arclight]

meh...Fe and Fi users hold different standards of honesty. Fi says fuck you, while Fe is says fuck you and I hope you have a lovely day.

So because I can still care about you and yet mean it when I say fuck you, I am not being honest?

 

[Thessaly]

So because I can still care about you and yet mean it when I say fuck you, I am not being honest?

In my fuck you scenario neither of them care. Not very deeply anyways.

 

[Arclight]

In my fuck you scenario neither of them care. Not very deeply anyways.

I see.

*goes away to regroup*

 

[Thessaly]

lol depending on the context Fe can be either a confusing pain in the butt or intoxicating. I have a love/hate relationship with it. It's just my personal philosophy that honesty always trumps sensitivity.

 

[Arclight]

I agree.. But that doesn't mean sensitivity doesn't have to be part of honesty.. I suppose it's not obligatory, but most people still appreciate it.

For example..Just because I am saying you did something careless does not mean you are careless or that I think you are careless.
It simply means you made a mistake.. This is honest.. However if I just say you fucked up.. maybe you are fine with that too.
But what is wrong with making sure I differentiate between, being upset does not mean I hate you.. This is honest.You making a mistake does not mean I have suddenly forgotten all the wonderful qualities you possess or that I now label you the adjective of that behavior.

All my good feelings for you still exist even if I am upset about something pertaining to you.. they do not cancel each other out..

SO I can easily say.. You piss me off.. but I still love/like you and care..
Expressing this is not dishonest.. It's said to remind you people have disagreements and such and why should relationships end over it, if it's not a consistent disagreement?

 

[skylights]

edit: all opinions stated in this post are based on my (obviously limited) experience with ENFJs and noooot necessarily correct... any ENFJs if you think i've said something inaccurate please let me know

ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

fwiw, my take on this... ENFJs are much more careful (in the sense of trying not to harm others) than NFPs when it comes to sharing the full scope of their feelings... but usually the closer you are, the more you get to know.

it can feel like dishonesty to Fi, when you find out there was more to the story than initially revealed.

And yes, their J kinda demands 'where is this going', whereas we tend to go 'let's just see where it goes, k?'

feels like being trapped sometimes. or like you have to be so careful every moment not to fail if you're trying to live up to someone's expectations of where it needs to go.

If you get in touch with him.. I would advise you be very open with both yourself and him, as to what your intentions truly are.
Which means you should make sure you know this, honestly with yourself.

yeah.

lapalm - i'm sorry it ended in a hard way, and that you've felt stress about it.

just as a fellow FP, i would think to just be careful that you're not doing this more because you're feeling unstable internally than you are to make your lives better. in my experience, an FP trying to explain oneself and/or one's actions in a relationship with an FJ can easily lead down a long path of dramatic self-explanation and the FJ person getting kind of fed up with you because you appear way more concerned about yourself than concerned about your relationship, or about them. i think FPs put more weight on meaning well (as opposed to actual consequences) than FJs do, and explaining to him how you didn't mean to scare him off might not really be as positive for him as it would be if someone did that for you. it could potentially just come off as a very self-absorbed maneuver... as in, your explanation being for the purpose of him not thinking badly of you - purely for your own benefit - instead of to heal the rift between you... even though i'm sure you don't mean that at all.

if you want to contact him because you want to apologize for potentially hurting him, that sounds good, or because you really care about him and just want to check in on him as a friend, or just letting him know that you feel no ill will towards him, i would think that's good too, but i would err on the side of not contacting him mainly because you feel bothered inside by the situation and want him to understand what you were thinking better. like, try to make sure the consequences of your actions are going to be positive for both of you, cause FPs can miss that accidentally.

i have definitely felt a similar way with an ENFJ before, but sometimes i think we just have to let these things go

good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[Tricksie]

Wow, I know this isn't the point of the thread, but I'm amazed at the statement:

I ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

I don't think I know anyone who would ever say I lie about my feelings. And I don't think that protecting someone else's feelings while I express my own is a "lie" or a "weakness." Instead, I think that if I can express myself fully in a way that doesn't hurt/offend someone else, then I've also allowed that person to hear me better and I've furthered the ability to actually communicate. It's not about lying, misrepresenting, or manipulating.

I know this is a board all about typology, but it seems to me that we have a lot of members who seem to think that EVERYTHING someone does is SOLELY based on their type...as opposed to their level of maturity, experience, integrity, etc.

And, to the original poster, I think that if you feel the need to clarify/make an overture to your ENFJ, you should do so *IF* you're doing so because it's something YOU want/need to do...as opposed to in the hopes of getting a particular response from your ENFJ.

 

[Thessaly]

"I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god" - Fi
"I swear to tell the truth in a manner that may be left up for interpretation to avoid discomfort and hurt feelings" - Fe

Tricksie I don't think anyone here is that dumb and I'm sure you don't either. Everyone knows their opinions are circumstantial with exceptions and all sorts of contextual factors that need to be taken into account (as is annoyingly stated all the time). Everyone knows typology isn't exactly some scientific law like gravity. It's up to posters to choose whether or not they are going to be offended by others' opinions or whether they'd like to challenge/discuss what has been presented. I really don't find my statement all that amazing, but I'd rather evoke some sort of response than reiterate the same disclaimer crap many posters do.

 

[lapalm]

Thanks, everyone

I am choosing to leave it alone. Mostly because I facebooked him and...he has a girlfriend. I hope she is better at communicating and fitting into his mold than I am. I know that sounds harsh, but I feel like that is what he needs. And before it felt like contacting him felt like things had to be patched up, but now I see he has moved on and ...possibly I can to.

MAJOR learning experience that kind of feels like a wound at the moment.

Thessaly - your thread about your ENFJ relationship is what helped me make sense of this all. So, thanks for that.

 

[Thessaly]

Thanks, everyone

I am choosing to leave it alone. Mostly because I facebooked him and...he has a girlfriend. I hope she is better at communicating and fitting into his mold than I am. I know that sounds harsh, but I feel like that is what he needs. And before it felt like contacting him felt like things had to be patched up, but now I see he has moved on and ...possibly I can to.

MAJOR learning experience that kind of feels like a wound at the moment.

Thessaly - your thread about your ENFJ relationship is what helped me make sense of this all. So, thanks for that.

My thread is an epic masochistic disaster, but if you learned something from it I am glad. God knows I sure didn't.

 

[lapalm]

Hahhh. I didn't read the whole thing. But I read a lot.

It just clicked once I started reading about how the relationship unfolded. How smothered I felt and how he went about pursuing me when I felt like I wasn't sure and didn't know what the big deal was. Little did I know things were a big deal to him, while for me it was just simply expressing feelings and being my true self. Apparently my true emotional self that has growing up to do (ergh thanks to him for mentioning that).