[ENFJ] INFP/ENFJ relationship....ruined :/

[Thessaly]

INFPs take awhile to mature, but once we're matured we're more emotionally intelligent than almost everyone we encounter with the depth of our insights. Same with other NFs.

 

[lapalm]

Interesting.

What is more interesting is I don't think many people would cast me an an immature person...nor would I call myself immature.

But going through this experience I realize I am in certain ways. I guess just not traditional ways. Is this what you mean?

 

[Thessaly]

In traditional ways INFPs are likely to always appear immature to others, unless they choose to conform.

I think that growing up INFPs are very wise, but have powerful emotional drives. Once they learn to harness their emotions and really put to use those insights they are quite formidable. It requires a lot of experience though. You build psychological immunity eventually.

For example, Arclight made some really passive aggressive comments towards me and my interactions with my ENFJ friend earlier in the thread. Previously I might have been angered by someone belittling my experiences like that, but through rational deduction I know there is no legitimate reason to care so I don't. It becomes effortless as you encounter the same challenges over and over.

 

[lapalm]

I can see what you mean. I feel like people view me as childlike sometimes.

Mmm..I guess I can see both sides of the argument.

I did real "don't take anything personal" in the book the 4 Agreements and that resonated with me, so I know what you mean.

 

[Thessaly]

All NPs are viewed as childlike. The middle aged ENTPs I've worked for were total kids giggling and bouncing around hyper actively. It's because we're spontaneous, fun, well humored, drawn to new experiences, and adverse to structure. All of those qualities are inherently youthful so we get a bad rep. If you add an F into the mix you're even more screwed because there is that whole tendency to personalize conflict. It's all good though. We're usually popular and well liked

 

[Lily flower]

In traditional ways INFPs are likely to always appear immature to others, unless they choose to conform.

I think that growing up INFPs are very wise, but have powerful emotional drives. Once they learn to harness their emotions and really put to use those insights they are quite formidable. It requires a lot of experience though. You build psychological immunity eventually.

For example, Arclight made some really passive aggressive comments towards me and my interactions with my ENFJ friend earlier in the thread. Previously I might have been angered by someone belittling my experiences like that, but through rational deduction I know there is no legitimate reason to care so I don't. It becomes effortless as you encounter the same challenges over and over.

Arclight is frequently passive aggressive, so you can think of it as him and not you.

 

[JoSunshine]

ENFJs are pathological liars when it comes to their feelings.

I think this is an overstatement. Although, I can see how there may be some people who could perceive this about me at times (but I'm getting better about it with age ) I can say that it was never intentional on my part. My friends said I used to be like a friendly robot, in the sense that everything was always "fine, good, great, no big deal". I suppressed anything negative that could potentially be harmful to my sense of self and strength. Now, mind you, I had no idea I was doing it. I personally grew up in an environment where it was a defense that was necessary for survival. So I would say yes, I lied about my feelings, but not just to everyone else - to myself as well.

meh...Fe and Fi users hold different standards of honesty. Fi says fuck you, while Fe is says fuck you and I hope you have a lovely day.

I would agree with this to a certain extent as well. But I do think both are honest in their own right. Generally if I say the equivilant of "fuck you" to someone, I have thought long and hard before doing so. Part of this process is trying to see things from the other person's perspective. I think that when people do awful things, they often have their own reasons for doing it and most of the time they are trying to protect themselves more so than hurt me. For example the OP wasn't trying to be hurtful to the ENFJ, she was concerned about protecting herself. So let's suppose I was on the other end of that conversation (which I have been with my former IxFP), I might say, I don't want this, but I wish you all the best...because I understand the other side, but I feel we are simply not compatible. This goes for almost everything. It's not dishonesty, it's empathy.

"I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god" - Fi
"I swear to tell the truth in a manner that may be left up for interpretation to avoid discomfort and hurt feelings" - Fe

Once again, I can't speak for other ENFJs, but I am very direct, particularly when someone's feelings are involved. I always tell people if I am not interested in them romantically. I think it is much kinder to let someone know that I am not interested rather than leaving them emotionally twisting. I also seek to give people closure in relationships while still being able to maintain friendships (if they choose and not everyone does). I am tactful in my approach, but tact and honesty are not necessarily unique to each other.

I can see how poorly developed Fe can lead to issues and the above are only a few of a long list - I would guess you have been victim to Fe gone awry since most people have, but well developed Fe can be quite lovely and honest.

 

[Thessaly]

Thoughtful response. Thanks.

 

[HoshiWerewolf]

Get him back!

Hi everyone

I just figured out my type and have a very important question! I am an over-thinking INFP who cannot make decisions. I recently dated a guy for only a few weeks and I'm almost positive he's an ENFJ.

He's a teacher...really smart and sensible. He cares a lot for people he likes/loves. He...ugh I can't say enough. He was just a really good person that I connected with.

Until I ruined it. I was way overthinking and trying to make sure that the relationship would work in the long run and didn't know if I would like any other guys as much as I would like him so the list goes on. I tried explaining my thoughts but apparently they came out horribly to him. He thought I meant that I was going to cheat on him. I would never do that to anyone. It's not in my cards.

The thing is...he was kind of smothering me. I felt like he wanted so much and told me he could wait but I sensed he couldn't.

It ended with me trying to explain myself and him (after dragging him through my exhausting never ending field of thoughts) saying "I can't do this anymore. You're too stressed and worried about this" and me saying "Wait...let me just explain myself more."

It's been a few months. We haven't talked. Should I contact him again, even though I was the last one to write? Apologize or something. Not with the ulterior motive to "make it work" but moreso to clear up that I am not a crazy person.

Ahh!

I'm new here, so thanks for listening

Your advice/support is much appreciated.

I completely understand! We INFPs have a way of thinking too much about things, you wanted it to be perfect, but you weren't sure...He sounds golden, I say go get him back! INFPs and ENFJs are perfect!! <3