[ENFJ] ENFJ more than friends? But he disappeared...

[mystory]

I have a very good male friend who is an ENFJ. We are both in our thirties and have been in bad relationships in our past and afraid of being hurt. I realize that ENFJs are flirty by nature but I feel like we have some sort of chemistry and have shared some pretty personal information with eachother. Well....I have developed feelings for this guy. It's very hard for me to tell if someone I like, likes me back - I can say 50% of his signs say yes & 50% say no. It's complete mixed signals.

Several weeks ago, I felt like there was a turning point in our relationship. I can't really explain how or why, but we just connected on a different level and I felt like maybe it was going to go somewhere. Then, the next time I saw him he pretty much ignored me and paid attention to a different girl. I decided that I had probably misread things and for my own self-preservation I would take a step back from him for awhile. That didn't last long and he charmed his way back into my life. He started bringing up subjects about relationships, like why I don't have a boyfriend and that he doesn't want to have a serious relationship again. I know this could be him trying to tell me that we're just friends, but he has no reason to do that really. I haven't acted like or shown that I'm interested in more. I get the feeling that he's fishing for information.

Now he's suddenly disappeared - no texting, no calling, no facebooking for the last week or two. I figured that he might just need some space so I haven't bugged him, but it's really not like him to not contact me in this long. I don't want to put any pressure on him like he needs to be in touch with me regularly and I don't want to imply that he's upset with me or something and come off all possessive and needy. I'm a little concerned that he's ok though. Maybe he's down and my not contacting him is rude. What should I do? If he did have more than friend feelings for me and he was testing me out a little with his vague questions and I didn't respond correctly, would he disappear like this as if I had rejected him?

 

[Engineer]

Interesting. Also, welcome to the forum!

As for your situation, I find E-types hard to read as well, since their gregarious and friendly nature leads them to be equally charming to each person they encounter. However, if he hasn't contacted you in a few days, it's quite likely he may be testing you to see if you really are interested. At this point, asking if he's okay wouldn't really be misconstrued as wanting more, especially if you guys talked a lot before this sudden silence. Friends check up on friends. It is not at all rude, possessive, or needy to contact him; in fact it would show that you care about him-- whether as a friend or a potential romantic partner is up to you to convey.
Trust me, I know what you're feeling... I hate coming off as smothering, too, but oftentimes, types like us think we're being over-expressive when really we've been acting overly distant or detached.
So facebook him, text him, call him, whichever you feel is best! Check up on him, tell him you're concerned that you haven't heard from him, as any friend would after awhile.

 

[Lily flower]

ENFJ's are very confusing when it comes to romance. From what I can tell, they lavish attention on everyone, then when they really like someone they ignore them. It can drive you crazy!

When my husband and I were in a dating/not dating on-off thing, he apparently was crazy about me at the same time he was avoiding me like the plague. I can't explain it - it's just the way the ENFJ's are.

My guess is that there was a connection between you and it scared him - therefore the no serious relationships comment. I believe he really was interested, though, because otherwise he wouldn't be asking you why you aren't in a relationship. If you are not interested in someone, or avoiding them, you don't ask questions like that. But he obviously isn't sure if he's ready to start anything.

Unlike the poster above me, I wouldn't call. I would just wait until he comes back into your life again. He needs time to sort out his feelings towards you. Also, from the ones I know, ENFJ's absolutely have to be the pursuer in the relationship. They get scared off by too much interest.

 

[Domino]

Hit it head on. Call him up and ask him, flat out. No dancing around or guess work for you or him.

If he says "I like you more than friends", god bless you both.
If he says "I don't like you more than friends", that sucks and you can come here for plenty of congenial pats and encouragement.
If he's vague and won't give you a straight answer, leave that box of puppies on the side of the road - they have rabies.

You'll have your answer one way or another. Best of luck to you!

 

[JoSunshine]

ENFJ's are very confusing when it comes to romance. From what I can tell, they lavish attention on everyone, then when they really like someone they ignore them. It can drive you crazy!

I never really thought about it until I read this, but yes that is probably true. If I have no romantic feelings towards a man, I have no problem calling him, asking him to do things, etc. But if I am interested, I tend to be much more reserved and more likely to wait for him to make the move and I have to be SURE he has feelings for me before I will even begin to allow myself to invest any emotion (I have a "no crushes" rule). It is definitely not like I intend to be confusing, I am certain it is a jacked-up defense mechanism to avoid rejection. On the flip side of things, I personally am very direct and if someone expresses interest in me whom I am not interested in, I will say so. I have heard this is not the case for all ENFJ's and that wishy-washy responses are not uncommon. I think that is most likely an attempt to not hurt someones feelings, but IMO, it is worst to leave someone dangling on the emotional hook then to just be straight with them.

Bottom line, if he is anything like me, letting him know you are interested in no uncertain terms is the way to go. It's hard to say whether or not he is into you from what you wrote, but there is only one way to find out (and hope he gives you a direct response).

 

[Domino]

Bottom line, if he is anything like me, letting him know you are interested in no uncertain terms is the way to go. It's hard to say whether or not he is into you from what you wrote, but there is only one way to find out (and hope he gives you a direct response).

+1

 

[mystory]

Thanks for all your advice. I know I didn't give a lot of details - it's my irrational fear that he could read this and figure out that it's me and I'd be utterly embarrassed. I realize the likelihood of that happening is next to nothing, but...
It seems like fear of rejection and needing to be sure that the other person will reciprocate feelings is common with INFJs & ENFJs. I am terrified of letting someone know I'm into them first. Also, I feel like the the guy should really do the pursuing so I try to find that balance of showing enough interest but not too much. Yes, I overthink everything
I'm definitely too chicken to just ask right out how he feels. Unfortunately, I think this has been and will continue to be a chess game of each making moves until we figure out where the other one stands.

 

[mystory]

I would really like to hear more about how the ENFJ processes interest in someone and whether there is reciprocated interest. If he was having feelings for me but wasn't sure where I stood, how would he most likely act/re-act. Would he be afraid to make the friendship uncomfortable by letting me know he liked me? Would he be sensitive to even unintentional signs of rejection or my not paying enough attention?
I know that I sometimes act the opposite of how I feel in these situations. I so badly don't want to let on that I'm interested that I act pretty cool at times and as if I'm not interested. I could see that as being extremely confusing and I hate that I do it, but again, I'm afraid.

 

[mystory]

So, I'm really, really lame, but I'm resurrecting my own thread again.....
I back down in one of the lows on the roller-coaster of trying to figure out wtf is going on with my enfj guy.
MADDENING! I adore him, we click, we have fun, we trust eachother. I have fallen hard.

It's like he gets really chatty with me and almost seems 'addicted' to me, for lack of a better word. We do stuff together and if feels like we have a special something, and then just when I think it's going somewhere, he retreats and pulls away. I'm left wondering, what happened? Did he freak out and get scared? Does he think I'm getting the wrong idea and pull away? Am I thinking about our relationship WAY more than he is and he just didn't give it any thought, it's just coincidence?

I have to point out that he is pretty complex. I think he battles his own desires quite a bit and I also think he might be an enneagram 6.
All I can say is he's a very special person. I think he's misunderstood by a lot of people and the bond we have might be because he realizes that I might get him and support him more than some other do. I really wouldn't be dealing with this for so long if he wasn't worth it.I don't want to assume that there's something where there's nothing, but my gut tells me something.

ANY and ALL insight would be appreciated. I feed off this stuff and just can't get enough info. Call it obsession.
Actually, what I'd really like is to have a conversation with an ENFJ off of this public forum so I can explain some details without having them displayed all over the internet. I don't know any others though, that's why I came here

 

[Sparrow]

Sorry to hear that your having a hard time with him! I have been guilty of running away. At the time I was really scared of commitment or scared of ruining a good friendship- usually happens with guys that I was good friends with first. Either that or they did something wrong. Have you had a heart to heart talk with him? Sometimes when I run away, I end up regretting it years later.

 

[mystory]

We've had heart to heart talks, but not about 'us'. It's like a taboo subject. I know that having 'the talk' would be the obvious answer, but I know that I'm not going to be able to start that talk with him unless push really comes to shove somehow.
If in fact, he is running away, he has some really good reasons to do so. His past has been rocky and I can understand why he would not want to get close to a girl.
I keep feeling like timing is everything and if I stay the course as his friend, maybe he won't be able to run away anymore?? or he won't want to??

 

[Sparrow]

What I would do:

Instead of sitting around wondering, talk to him about your feelings for him! Unless you just want to wait forever....

As you know ENFJ's can be pretty intense at times, sometimes people think an ENFJ might like them romantically, but really it could just be an ENFJ just being themselves...doing their connecting and vibe'n with people thing. I would talk to him to find out! At least you'll know what his deal is .

 

[Unkindloving]

Absolutely agree with Sparrow.

A good ENFJ will take talking about it, especially you bringing it up, much better than letting their own Ni and other nonsense run them in mental circles. If you can't talk about the two of you specifically in that way, ask why said ENFJ starts backing off. Express that they are important to you. We respond to people showing us we matter to them, rather than having to do that for other people. Otherwise, I think we'll just go through cycles of people like they have a common level of interaction with us. When we're called out- we perk up. If we don't perk up and start to withdraw, it's probably because we are Ni-ing our own faces off with some sort of concern. Best thing is to ask, ask, ask- but in a calm manner.

 

[mystory]

I think my real problem with having the talk or a talk with him is my own fear of the answer. I have to be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear and I don't feel ready for that. I'm emotionally invested and to hear 'I just don't think of you that way' might put me in a hole that I can't get out of for awhile. It's a lot easier and more comfortable for me to analyze his actions by personality type and come up with my own conclusions than to put my neck out there.
I'm being brutally honest. I know this isn't healthy or the right thing to do, but it's the truth.
I think you guys on this site are brilliant with your analysis and insight. I know that you're right that I should talk to him about it, but if we take that off the table, at least for now, is there any other advice/feedback that would be helpful? I'm saying this with complete respect for your recommendations. I just know that I'm not in a place to follow through with it just yet.

 

[Sparrow]

Understandable, I know it can be hard to put yourself out there like that! Where are all the ENFJ men at on this forum, give us your point of view on this issue please .

 

[sciski]

I think you guys on this site are brilliant with your analysis and insight. I know that you're right that I should talk to him about it, but if we take that off the table, at least for now, is there any other advice/feedback that would be helpful? I'm saying this with complete respect for your recommendations. I just know that I'm not in a place to follow through with it just yet.

The problem is that we don't know this guy, so any information anyone gives is pure speculation. And you'd know it.

Suppose we come to the conclusion that this guy is 100% into you, based on analysis. Would that conclusion be enough to overcome your fear of a negative response from him? Would you talk to him then?

Suppose we come to the conclusion that this guy is totally not into you, based on analysis. Would that conclusion be enough for you to completely move on?

I'd suggest that if we take the idea of 'talking to him' off the table, the first thing we should put on the table is 'working through why you won't talk to him' so that we can put talking to him back on the table.

Of course, if you simply like analysing the situation and that will give you confidence to act, that's totally cool. I'm just worried you'll spend a lot of time and effort talking about it here, but nothing concrete will come out of it.

But regardless, good luck.

 

[mystory]

Agreed.
It is pure speculation based on clues, etc. I don't think I will come to a conclusion one way or another based on things that are talked about here. I only hope to get a better idea or leaning from people with similar tempermants. I think on one level, it's just fun, interesting, insightful, makes me think about things through someone else's eyes. Analyzing and over-analyzing is part of my nature and maybe all INFJs. My mind is constantly running through scenerios and what-ifs. So, whether I'm spending time doing it here or on my own, either way, I will be doing it

I also think it's a little thereputic to get it out. It's a public/anonymous forum, so I can feel safe to let it all out.

I also think that you're right that I should work through why I won't talk to him, but I don't really know how to work through that right now. It's just fear. Afraid to be hurt, because I know first hand how rejection feels and how poorly I handle it internally.

 

[Hate]

Where are all the ENFJ men at on this forum, give us your point of view on this issue please .

Hi Sparrow.

Actually, what I'd really like is to have a conversation with an ENFJ off of this public forum so I can explain some details without having them displayed all over the internet. I don't know any others though, that's why I came here

I think I'm currently one of the only enfj males on this forum. You can PM me if you like.

 

[mystory]

I do like your Avatar

 

[JAVO]

I'll comment, since I've been good friends with several ENFJs. Although, my comments aren't necessarily that type-specific.

One possibility is that he wants to see what you do when he doesn't initiate any interaction. Maybe he's concerned about being overbearing, or wants to gauge your interest in him. What does he do when you initiate contact/interaction? Have you tried that?

Another possibility is that he has other friends he wants to spend equal time with. This is a neutral or good thing, not to be taken as a negative thing.