[ENFJ] ENFJ more than friends? But he disappeared...

[mystory]

Yeah, I've thought about that too. He's usually in contact with me often and then he goes away for awhile. He might be seeing if I initiate. When I do initiate he's usually responsive right away. It's like I know for sure that he likes me and I'm a valued friend, I just don't know if it's more than that. Whenever he gets distant, I get all insecure and think, well maybe he needs space or maybe I was giving him some vibe that made him uncomfortable.

 

[InTheFlesh]

This thread is really not doing you any help. Sure, rhetorically these are all good strategies, taking time to look and read further into it, but once you understand why he's doing these things, that's it. Being an armchair strategist is directly holding you back from actually taking part in solving this issue. You're obviously bothered by what's going on, rather than letting your frustration build you really need to ask him in a non-confrontational but objectively unavoidable way what his feelings are regarding the situation. Taking time trying to figure everything out is useless when you take into account the fact that things are constantly changing, especially in as volatile as a relationship as this one is. Even if you do ask him and it turns out he doesn't feel the same way, things will be better off anyways. You've been shooting yourself in the foot for the past 4 months over this, if nothing else putting it down will be better than prolonging the struggle.

But, I don't think you even need to fear that hypothetical situation, as it seems to me that he likes you. Don't be so afraid a fairly unlikely scenario, living life out of fear leads to situations like this where everything just gets reduced to chaos.

I'll stop rambling, but Jesus Christ, for the sake of the majority of this thread and your own happiness, ask the guy how he feels. He probably wants you to after running away over and over again, it's a call for attention.

 

[mystory]

LOL! I love the frank no-nonsense style of an INTJ!
but, but, but....ENFJs love to help, right?? and all NFJs love to analyze!

 

[InTheFlesh]

LOL! I love the frank no-nonsense style of an INTJ!
but, but, but....ENFJs love to help, right?? and all NFJs love to analyze!

Very true, I like analyzing as well (as may be obvious), I just like timely routes
In all seriousness though, it seems to me like he wants you to come to him and initiate all this, if you ask it may easily bring this to the ideal end you've been hoping for. It seems really hard to do, from my experience in these situations, but once you just strike the match the other party will start dousing it with fuel. If nothing else, just walk up to him and say "feelings, us" and watch him start a larger fire than you'd ever expect. It's easier than it sounds.

 

[Udog]

I think my real problem with having the talk or a talk with him is my own fear of the answer. I have to be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear and I don't feel ready for that. I'm emotionally invested and to hear 'I just don't think of you that way' might put me in a hole that I can't get out of for awhile. It's a lot easier and more comfortable for me to analyze his actions by personality type and come up with my own conclusions than to put my neck out there.
I'm being brutally honest. I know this isn't healthy or the right thing to do, but it's the truth.

I just want to give you mad props for having the strength to admit this. While your scenario is common, it's rare that someone will admit the real reason why they can't take the easiest course of action.

Of course, I notice that you've already spent 4 months pining away for this guy, and have to ask you if you are willing to spend another 4 months doing so.

As for general thoughts... I notice that ENFJs are great as the pursuers, but often not so great as the pursuees. It seems like you are a bit of both in this dynamic, where he pursues you to a certain point, but then you start falling for him and try to close the deal (becoming the pursuer) and he backs off. Perhaps you can remain cool and detached, and that way discover just how far he's willing to go in his pursuit for you.

Although really, it'll be much better if you just talk to him.

 

[InTheFlesh]

Dooo iittttttt.
It'll be easier than you think and amazingly helpful.

 

[Unkindloving]

LOL! I love the frank no-nonsense style of an INTJ!
but, but, but....ENFJs love to help, right?? and all NFJs love to analyze!

lol INTJs tell NFJs the shit they need to hear, but don't fully want to accept. Mine does it to me all of the time, but knows it's rare that I heed his knowledge.
As per us NFJs- think we'll analyze in circles if we don't assess what is healthier for us to do. After a point, it gets to be 'I'm beating the deadest horse to a pulp.. let me get clarification >.>'

 

[mystory]

I just want to point out that I PM'd Juice and gave him a little more detail about the situation. Stuff I don't really want to post to all the public. His advice was not to say anything. Because of where this guy is in life and the relationship that we have, it will only make things awkward and possibly ruin the good thing we have right now that could go somewhere down the road. I have to agree with him

I just want to give you mad props for having the strength to admit this. While your scenario is common, it's rare that someone will admit the real reason why they can't take the easiest course of action.

Thanks udog! I may still be a little messed up, but at least I'm coming to terms with what is messed up. Fixing stuff might be a longer term project.

As per us NFJs- think we'll analyze in circles if we don't assess what is healthier for us to do. After a point, it gets to be 'I'm beating the deadest horse to a pulp..

So true! I've beat dead horses before. I think this one still has a pulse though. I just seem to gravitate towards the complicated, misunderstood guys. I don't want to fix or change someone at all, I just like the people where I feel like I could be one of the few people that really get you and accept you. I know....crazy romanticism It's what I do.

An INFJ wants a man who is sensitive and elusive.
There are some enigmatic qualities about certain men...that we find completely irrisistable.
We don't want what the 99% of the male species think/feel/do...we want that rare 1%. And we will wait to get that rarity.
INFJ's are quickly decisive about who they do/don't like.
although she may switch up the vibes she sends out
underneath you will see that she treats you differently in respect to other males

I copied this from somewhere because it rang so true with me. I can't remember which site though.

 

[Sparrow]

Juice always comes through with good advice !

So ask your boy to hang out more and more, maybe sometime soon get drunk and kiss him . Lol! J/k

 

[mystory]

hahaha I wish

 

[Sparrow]

Who knows, maybe it will happen naturally . Thats the best! Smooches!

 

[Lark]

Feelers!

*shakes head*

 

[Unkindloving]

Feelers!

*shakes head*

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?!
Don't make me emote at you, mister!

 

[ceecee]

lol INTJs tell NFJs the shit they need to hear, but don't fully want to accept. Mine does it to me all of the time, but knows it's rare that I heed his knowledge.
As per us NFJs- think we'll analyze in circles if we don't assess what is healthier for us to do. After a point, it gets to be 'I'm beating the deadest horse to a pulp.. let me get clarification >.>'

Oh dear, yes. I think I mentioned something being 100% to my ENFJ when in actuality it might have been 99% and he would not.let.go of it. I finally said, I'm taking possible variables into account, like the inactive ingredients in cough medicine and rounding up, so do what you like with the 1%. Pretend it's a lemon wedge or a sprig of parsley. It's garnish. You don't eat it. It just makes the plate look pretty.