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[INFJ] The dreaded INFJ delayed reaction - a ticking time-bomb

SilkRoad

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The dreaded INFJ delayed reaction. Have you been on the receiving end of this, or have you discovered it in yourself?

It's when you get a shock, particularly something in the nature of a friend letting you down or hurting your feelings big-time. This happens to me and I go into a kind of shock, I think. I may feel as though what has happened isn't really that bad. I may even tell them it's no big deal. Or if that isn't appropriate under the circumstances, I think to myself "oh well, that wasn't so bad after all. Hey ho".

Anywhere from 12 to 36 hours later - my true feelings hit me. Anger, sadness, disbelief, whatever.

What this has occasionally meant in practice is that I come back to the person and let them have it. Or even if I don't "let them have it", I dump a bunch more stuff onto them and they're like "But I thought you were ok with this? I thought we put this behind us already! I thought you forgave me!". And I can't really argue with what they're saying. It is kind of my fault, my bad. :(

I guess one solution may be to not react at all until you know what your reaction is. This may at least be possible if you get an email containing something which is going to be a shock (this happened to me recently.) I wrote back to the person fairly quickly, a kindly email - but by 24 hours later I was quite angry about a bunch of stuff that hadn't hit me the previous day. Fortunately I was able to vent to a mutual friend who also knew all about the situation and was quite understanding of my perspective. That helped. But the problem with this particular situation is that to a certain extent, I've gone on reacting and thinking of things to react to, over a period of several weeks. It's mostly behind me now but it did raise some tension with the other person when I brought a few more things up at a few later stages.

It's just, I have realised that this way of reacting to things has occasionally caused major difficulties in my relations with others. But what do you do if you literally don't know what your reaction is going to be in a few hours, days, or even weeks?

Thoughts?
 

Lenian

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Thoughts?

Carefully think through the details. (Don't jump to conclusions). Comb through what happens and THEN judge. Don't play nice it's disingenuous. Unless you are all like that always, which, from what you write you haven't been after the event.

So if you decide and give them an answer 'on the spot', I suggest leaving them with something like "Let me get back to you"..or "I'm going to have to get back to you later." :D

Afterward, do your careful sorting out of details. Then you'll have a better idea how to weigh your feelings and judgement of the event that happened.

And hey, if you really find you are completely disgusted with them after your judgement, you can choose to not get back to them at all! Hahaha
 

entropie

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Haha, great thread, I only read the title and knew :D

Receiving end, all the time xD

Isnt tho a pure infj problem, I think infp's suffer from it aswell. Maybe more F's ?!
 

SilkRoad

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Carefully think through the details. (Don't jump to conclusions). Comb through what happens and THEN judge. Don't play nice it's disingenuous. Unless you are all like that always, which, from what you write you haven't been after the event.

So if you decide and give them an answer 'on the spot', I suggest leaving them with something like "Let me get back to you"..or "I'm going to have to get back to you later." :D

Afterward, do your careful sorting out of details. Then you'll have a better idea how to weigh your feelings and judgement of the event that happened.

And hey, if you really find you are completely disgusted with them after your judgement, you can choose to not get back to them at all! Hahaha

Good advice. I don't want to be disingenuous. In the case I cited, for instance, I received news that this friend had done something extremely unwise which I kind of suspected was coming but she hadn't been honest with me about it and had in fact been somewhat dishonest with me and others. She'd also asked me for some practical help surrounding the situation but hadn't come clean about what was really going on. In her email she sounded remorseful. So I felt "I need to be supportive right now" - she is quite fragile. But the problem was, I just dashed off the supportive email quickly and later there was other stuff to deal with. Not that I exploded big-time or whatever. But there have been a few occasions where I've seemed ok about something and later exploded big-time and that really wasn't pretty. :huh:

I think I just need to take more time to sort through my reactions. Though honestly, that's easier when it's an email shock than when it's a face to face shock...


Haha, great thread, I only read the title and knew :D

Receiving end, all the time xD

Isnt tho a pure infj problem, I think infp's suffer from it aswell. Maybe more F's ?!

Haha. Receiving end all the time? Care to share examples? ;)

Maybe not just INFJs, probably INFPs too. But I have heard we are the worst culprits.
 

Chloe

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I ve been on the receiving end of this :laugh: its very sweet and charming. i was lucky that feelings were positive, probably will hate it when he delays his negative feelings lol.
Bu i had the same exp with ISTJ ex-bf :/

Its so silly when i hear all the time from my INFJ "you were right 4 months ago..." something about his feelings twds someone/something. I knew right away what he knows now haha!
 

SilkRoad

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Maybe it's an IxxJ thing. Wouldn't be surprised.

It would actually be easier for everyone involved if I had the negative feelings right away...and then later said "oh, you know what, it wasn't that bad. Sorry I overreacted at first." That very seldom happens to me. ;)

Honestly, these types of situations haven't arisen a lot for me. At least not in such a way that it would cause damage to my relations with others. But when that has arisen, it can be pretty difficult to deal with or even explain without making me sound totally insane!
 

entropie

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Well it's always like this: they listen to you all the time and comment on nothing you say, share nothing of themselves. You demand several times for an emotional reaction or a statement but there comes nothing. Then you get out the heavy artillery and try to fire behind the blockade. This works for a time gently but then it becomes nasty and at some point you land the critical hit. Then either immediantly you look into the eyes of a fury, raining mthunderstorms onto you or days later when you have all forgotten about the event.

I am glad I am not one of the most demanding for an emotional reaction types out there no more. Obliviousness has gotten the better of me, because I've accepted that I am a jerk they just wont talk to. But we aint all shephards, I on the contrary do become a heavy artillery tank fury in an instant, but cool down within the next 5 seconds. Yet the erruption happening without an incubation time can be surprising and devastating.

It's a complicated life, no matter how you do it, it's always the wrong way :)
 

Engineer

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Maybe it's an IxxJ thing. Wouldn't be surprised.

It would actually be easier for everyone involved if I had the negative feelings right away...and then later said "oh, you know what, it wasn't that bad. Sorry I overreacted at first." That very seldom happens to me. ;)

Actually, if you look at it in a different light, it could be a type of strength that you use. Since you know that you've got a bit of time from when the emotional bomb is discovered, and when it detonates, you should be able to distance yourself from others while you work through the backdraft in private. Think of it as a type of EOD. You're making sure no one gets hurt (well, other than you, unfortunately...) by your emotions. Then, when you've worked through them, you can usually salvage/continue the relationship in question without too many ill effects.
 

SilkRoad

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Actually, if you look at it in a different light, it could be a type of strength that you use. Since you know that you've got a bit of time from when the emotional bomb is discovered, and when it detonates, you should be able to distance yourself from others while you work through the backdraft in private. Think of it as a type of EOD. You're making sure no one gets hurt (well, other than you, unfortunately...) by your emotions. Then, when you've worked through them, you can usually salvage/continue the relationship in question without too many ill effects.

True. Thing is, if the situation is serious enough and I am upset enough, I'll probably need to disclose those feelings to the person responsible at some point, or it will stay bottled up and get worse. Working it through on my own only works up to a point. But I guess the delayed reaction could give me more time to figure out how to expres myself in a reasonable way.
 

Athenian200

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Sometimes I have a delayed reaction of several minutes, but never several hours.

If I get hurt by something, I usually do go off immediately. And then end up apologizing... because the anger tends not to last very long. I do sometimes hold grudges if I believe the hurt was intentional, though often the person doesn't know I'm holding a grudge, because I'm just avoiding them but still being nice.
 

Engineer

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True. Thing is, if the situation is serious enough and I am upset enough, I'll probably need to disclose those feelings to the person responsible at some point, or it will stay bottled up and get worse. Working it through on my own only works up to a point. But I guess the delayed reaction could give me more time to figure out how to expres myself in a reasonable way.

I have a very close INFJ friend who works the same way, and often times he'll rely on me as a vent for his outburst. Try finding someone close to you that you know you can implicitly trust and attempt to talk through the situation and work out your feelings. Speaking from experience, that usually helps bring the hurt, frustration, and anger down to reasonably-manageable levels when you finally confront the person who upset you. And of course, this is all just free advice. Do with it what you'd like; I despise coming off as commanding or authoritative.
 

SilkRoad

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I have a very close INFJ friend who works the same way, and often times he'll rely on me as a vent for his outburst. Try finding someone close to you that you know you can implicitly trust and attempt to talk through the situation and work out your feelings. Speaking from experience, that usually helps bring the hurt, frustration, and anger down to reasonably-manageable levels when you finally confront the person who upset you. And of course, this is all just free advice. Do with it what you'd like; I despise coming off as commanding or authoritative.

;) don't worry, you're not.

And actually, that WAS kind of how I dealt with the last situation. I vented to another trusted friend who also knew about the situation (and who I knew would have a good understanding of my hurt and frustration over the situation), so I wasn't breaking any confidences or anything like that. That definitely helped, and at least when I dumped some of my feelings on the culprit later, I did it in a fairly tactful way. There have been a few other occasions when I haven't had the opportunity to do anything like that at all, and I think that's when it's become a real problem. Things just simmer, I keep thinking of more and more things to be mad about, and then...!

EDIT: Haha, actually, the poor person who had to listen to me vent hardly knew what was coming. I mean, I think he knew I felt hurt and betrayed but when I called him up I was like "I am so mad...When I was in Fortnum and Mason's tea department tonight, I WANTED TO KILL EVERYONE." His response: "...oh dear." LOL. Fortunately he is a good friend and not only listened to me vent, but had some practical and helpful advice to give.
 

SilkRoad

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Sometimes I have a delayed reaction of several minutes, but never several hours.

If I get hurt by something, I usually do go off immediately. And then end up apologizing... because the anger tends not to last very long. I do sometimes hold grudges if I believe the hurt was intentional, though often the person doesn't know I'm holding a grudge, because I'm just avoiding them but still being nice.

Yeah...I have some grudge-holding issues. Most things I just let go...in fact, I think I let go more than most. But with the things I can't let go (and sometimes there has been a cumulative effect over years), unfortunately I can end up holding a grudge for years, even though I know it's doing me damage. :(
 

Starry

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for what's it's worth Silk Road...I do a version of this too. Mine is not so much being unable to ascertain how I feel about a certain conflict in the moment...but rather that I end up blocking those feelings from myself because I fear conflict so much. So, in other words, I don't stand-up for myself when I should and then feel like a push-over later.

At least you can reapproach the individual and honestly say...'you know, I apologize...I thought I was okay with [insert issue]...but it brought up this for me...and I'd like to work this through'.

All I'm left with is...'yah...I was upset all along but totally lied about it because I am a total conflict-chicken s*&%'. My method never works that well.
 

nexttoimpossible

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I certainly have my initial reactions to anything in a split second, I just like to think about things before making my reaction obvious. Especially if it involves people and/or a relationship. This also means I don't stand up for myself because I'm stuck thinking about it -- I hate this about myself.

It can take years to process things, even an offhand remark. I don't like my delayed time-bomb effect much, but at least when I finally get mad, I have damn good reason for it and my argument is ironclad (should I ever get around to voicing it).
 

MonkeyGrass

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I do this, most often with my spouse, since I see him more than anyone else. :OP It was a disaster with some major life decisions, before I realized what I was doing.

My closest friend is also INFJ, and we have delayed responses to one another quite a bit. The trick for success has been: after processing internally for a while and searching out all the possible implications, I force myself to wait a few days (until my emotional response has chilled a bit), and then mull over how to word it in an open ended and respectful way. This generally works really well. "Hey, the other day, when you said this, is this what you meant? After thinking about it for a while, I feel uncomfortable with XZY, and I'd love to revisit the conversation, if that's good with you." (Luckily for me, she also speaks psychobabble well, so it works)

Yeah. Process the info, then process your own emotional reaction to the info, then process how to sort through the possible conclusions without jumping to negative conclusions. Don't be afraid to say, "Wow, I need time to think about this before responding. My knee-jerk reaction is just to agree/go along with what you suggested, but part of me wants to mull it over some more."

People who are worth it will be fine with your doing so. :heart:
 

mochajava

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nexttoimpossibleIt can take years to process things, even an offhand remark. I don't like my delayed time-bomb effect much, but at least when I finally get mad, I have damn good reason for it and my argument is ironclad (should I ever get around to voicing it).

So true. Silkroad, when you opened this thread by saying it took you a day or two to process and know your reaction to something, I was downright jealous. To this INFJ, that looks like lightning speed! For me, things take MONTHS. It took me a month to realize I was deeply hurt by something my sister did, and two more months to pinpoint it to the cause!

So know that you're not alone in delayed processing time, and that yours is actually pretty fast from where I stand.

I like the advice about negotiating some time for you to process before you react. Sure the friend might be biting her nails for the 24-36 hours before she knows what you think, but at least that scary inconsistency will be gone. Just my $0.02.
 
V

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I used to have a huge problem with delayed reactions. I tell people I need time to respond now and it seems to help me feel more free to feel what I'm going to sooner. I would regularly feel numb in the moment after a shock, especially if someone is demanding a definitive reaction from me at that moment. And then it would hit me a few days later. Bleh.

I think it's due to a few factors. I like being composed externally but that is never how I feel inside if something bad has happened. I like harmony and it used to push me to make up quickly, often before I was really ready or it was good for the relationship. (Better with that now). And there are always factors to weigh up before I have my appropriate, reasoned out emotional response, so I automatically repress in the moment. I also usually regret those times I have snapped about something, it makes me feel terrible later so that has discouraged spontaneous emotional reactions.

I still have a problem if it's the kind of shock that could end a relationship. I might get a six month delay on something like that. :/ Then it hits me and I feel how I feel and nothing is going to change it even if I want it to be different. I think I have only worked through one of those delayed reactions to the benefit of the person I was with.
 

SilkRoad

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So true. Silkroad, when you opened this thread by saying it took you a day or two to process and know your reaction to something, I was downright jealous. To this INFJ, that looks like lightning speed! For me, things take MONTHS. It took me a month to realize I was deeply hurt by something my sister did, and two more months to pinpoint it to the cause!

So know that you're not alone in delayed processing time, and that yours is actually pretty fast from where I stand.

I like the advice about negotiating some time for you to process before you react. Sure the friend might be biting her nails for the 24-36 hours before she knows what you think, but at least that scary inconsistency will be gone. Just my $0.02.

Well, now that I think about it, the day or two thing is not necessarily even accurate. ;) I also agree with a lot of what violaine said, and others, about processing for months and especially in terms of an emotional shock. I had a bit of an emotional shock last week and I think things may be coming up for a while relating to it. I've certainly been feeling ill with stress for a few days. :( and particularly with something like that, I think it can take a long, long time to figure out what your feelings are about the person who caused you the emotional shock...

I started thinking about how the delayed reaction thing is the gift that keeps giving. And not in a good way. ;) Now that I think about it, there have been a few situations in my life that I have gone on reacting to for years. Not 24/7, obviously. But I can't stop going over it at least occasionally for that long, and when stuff comes up in my mind, it might even be quite different from anything else I've already thought of in connection with that situation.

In the emotional shock/relationship sort of area, I find also that quite a lot of it can have to do with closure. I guess that goes back to being able to talk it over with the person who caused the shock, or not. Again, there have been a few situations where I went on reacting and reacting and reacting and thinking of different things to be upset over until I was able to talk it out properly with the person. Then the reaction finally drew to a close...

Well, the consensus in this thread seems to be that there's nothing wrong with saying "I need time to think this over, then I'll get back to you." It sounds good to me. I mean, I can imagine there are some situations where even saying that to the other person might freak them out a bit. ;) but the end result is probably far better in the long run than some sort of delayed nuclear wig-out later.
 

mochajava

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There's absolutely nothing wrong with the long processing time, you're so right about that.

Reading over your last post though, I wonder about closure. I mean, I always want it badly, but it's rarely ever possible. What do you think? Do you need it to move on? Does it speed up the time line? How much does this relate to personality type if at all?
 
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