[INFJ] The dreaded INFJ delayed reaction - a ticking time-bomb

[Z Buck McFate]

This page touches my nerves in this^ regard. I think it's a clue, at least.

 

[Lauren]

This page touches my nerves in this^ regard. I think it's a clue, at least.

Thanks for that article. It helps me to understand how to move out of or past the attachment-that-causes pain or anxiety, no matter the root cause of it. I've been in a relationship in which I feel we are drawn to each other and care for each other because each of us needs to heal something within ourselves (and possibly we met and came together for this reason). My intial feeing about him was one of joy and openess. I've felt he's felt the same--we have a reciprocal, clear bond. Because of this, I've experienced some of the most painful, wrenching feelings I've known. As the article points out, this is attachment kicking in. I feel he and I have been able to sit with these feelings and not do anything about them--we haven't blamed each other or tried to coerce or push too hard, despite the intense feelings (deep attraction) that arise between us. We've just talked or acted from the heart, with good intentions. There have been a few times when I felt I was trying to force things to find out how he feels about me or at least provide the opportunity for clarity. The result of that wasn't good--he would seem to want that but if I was too forward, he would push me back a little. So that's that shenpa the article talks about. I've wondered how or why he and I have the ability to sit with these feelings about each other and not descend into pettiness or completely withdraw from each other. I've felt it was a very good thing, though.

What Cascadeco said about her experiences with teaching: I completely relate to that. I led wilderness trips for a few years, which took me very far out of my comfort zone. I had a feeling it might not work for me because of of the need to be 'on' all the time in a group of people, but I thought it would be a good growth experience (being a 'leader'). I loved certain aspects of it but when the trips were done, I was exhausted from being an extravert for too long a time and could hardly wait to be alone again. In retrospect, I didn't need to do it. I already knew I had wilderness skills and I've never liked being in the spotlight with a group of people for very long. I was going against my grain, not following my gut instincts.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I think what I get personally from the page, as it pertains to the op (and state’s question), is that it’s important to pay attention in the moments when we are reacting to something. The tendency to not react is still a reaction, and it’s possible to get in the habit of paying attention to when it happens- to pinpoint the reason we don’t attach feelings to anything in the present moment (to be more mindful about our reaction). Basically it sounds a lot like CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy). But I like Chödrön’s description, she has a way of making it sound more accessible. Or something. I haven’t actually tried it enough to say, from personal experience, whether or not it can help us IFJs feel reactions faster.

 

[the state i am in]

i love these responses. i think i need to take time to build scripts. i rely on my Ne folks to guide me thru this much of the time. the scripts provide an immediate anchoring in the moment, and if i can consult them, if i can have some kind of story to go off of, then i can generate a key question or two whose answer will help inform my response. the search just gets infinitely more powerful. because i'm pulling in way better information into my memory that is going to help me. tertiary Ti i think thru this script process helps bring about better (what goffman called) definitions of the situation. removing what is not true, and having a narrowed range of possibles within a series of stories to consult and use as a basic compass when negotiating with the context from one moment to the next.

i agree that this "sitting with it" ability is really important. it is very cbt/dbt. they were made for us f types. assertiveness skills too.

 

[SilkRoad]

i love these responses. i think i need to take time to build scripts. i rely on my Ne folks to guide me thru this much of the time. the scripts provide an immediate anchoring in the moment, and if i can consult them, if i can have some kind of story to go off of, then i can generate a key question or two whose answer will help inform my response. the search just gets infinitely more powerful. because i'm pulling in way better information into my memory that is going to help me. tertiary Ti i think thru this script process helps bring about better (what goffman called) definitions of the situation. removing what is not true, and having a narrowed range of possibles within a series of stories to consult and use as a basic compass when negotiating with the context from one moment to the next.

i agree that this "sitting with it" ability is really important. it is very cbt/dbt. they were made for us f types. assertiveness skills too.

I've gone through some CBT for a phobia. It definitely helped somewhat, though it would probably have helped more if I'd put more time and effort into practicing the techniques. But yeah, a lot of it is about awareness. I realised when I was in therapy that the CBT techniques could be useful for my life in other respects as well.

I do think that quite a lot of my personal self-improvement in recent years, or at least steps toward it, has had to do with observing myself and observing patterns in my life. That's a start to winning the battle.

 

[Moxiest]

There are some times that I am very aware of my feelings and able to express what I feel and why... and other times that I need a bit of time to decide what it is precisely, that I am feeling in regards to a situation, why it is being felt, and how to appropriately deal with that feeling. If it is comflict between me and another person, I prefer the route that will bring the most healing...

I also realize that when repairs need to be made to friendships, it is not fully my responsibility. I can go so far, but also need to be met. I am the kind of person who will go the extra mile for a friendship, but I also want to know that this continued friendship is of value to that other person. Sometimes, in order to keep working at those repairs, I need to see a bit of an effort to rebuild on the behalf of that friend. If not, I am happy to draw a line, rebuild my side of the "road/path" apart from them.... and just wait until they are ready (if they are ever ready) to begin rebuilding together.

I find that when conflict is unmendable, I distance myself from that conflict/person... I look for other relationships that are more healthy or situations where I can better use my talents etc. OF course, I try to mend first, but if the mending is out of my hands, I leave it and go build somewhere else.

Does this make sense?

 

[Lily flower]

Although the delay thing is definitely INFJ, what you describe is actually part of the natural grief process that all people go through. The stages are

1: Shock & Denial
2: Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Lonliness
5. Lifting of Depression
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance and Hope

We go through the grieving process to some degree, even with "smaller" things. You are just in the "shock" stage at first and haven't gotten to "anger" yet.

 

[Neutralpov]

There are some times that I am very aware of my feelings and able to express what I feel and why... and other times that I need a bit of time to decide what it is precisely, that I am feeling in regards to a situation, why it is being felt, and how to appropriately deal with that feeling. If it is comflict between me and another person, I prefer the route that will bring the most healing...

I also realize that when repairs need to be made to friendships, it is not fully my responsibility. I can go so far, but also need to be met. I am the kind of person who will go the extra mile for a friendship, but I also want to know that this continued friendship is of value to that other person. Sometimes, in order to keep working at those repairs, I need to see a bit of an effort to rebuild on the behalf of that friend. If not, I am happy to draw a line, rebuild my side of the "road/path" apart from them.... and just wait until they are ready (if they are ever ready) to begin rebuilding together.

I find that when conflict is unmendable, I distance myself from that conflict/person... I look for other relationships that are more healthy or situations where I can better use my talents etc. OF course, I try to mend first, but if the mending is out of my hands, I leave it and go build somewhere else.

Does this make sense?

yes that is exactly what I would have said but it would have taken me a long time to construct it!

 

[Neutralpov]

i attribute it to not being in touch with your own experience and not really keeping the story of your experience rolling. one of the shitty things about being predominately left-brained. we identify with systems more than stories. we're always checking the ecological validity rather than building our story of the events as we subjectively experienced them, rather than building a case from inner validity. so it takes a while to identify the key conflicts and the key sticking points, rather than being reactive and responsive right away and having that register as something coming at you from outside of you, from an environmental stimulus. it's the difference, i think as has been said, between being a creature of semantic framework (Pi) rather than a creature of the time/space constructed environment around you (Pe).

any strategies for monitoring one's mood and emotional state? of trying to take better notes and trace hurt feelings to direct stimuli/events/persons?

Also State this post tripped me up legitimately this past month. I tried to keep my own "story" and you are dead on! I don't naturally do that. I have to consciously make an effort and it is a little tiresome even though I think it has been worth it. I never realized most other types (intro. judging first right?) are keeping their own internal story! This is a mental and philosophical can of worms for me lately

 

[Moxiest]

Have you ever had someone try and tell you what your emotions were- tell you what you felt in your heart?

For example, I have had someone treat me like I was angry when I wasn't... and it actually made me angry. Has this ever happened to you? If so, how do you deal with this?

I feel the need to clarify... but am unsure if this is possible for this situation... but it is bugging me... really bugging me alot.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

Yes, I am guilty of this. When someone asks me if I'm upset and I say I'm okay, then I've had time to process and I realize just how upset or mad I am. Or even if I have an inkling of awareness, I may struggle putting it into words in the moment.

With extreme anxiety, anger or sadness. Or just any extreme emotion, I may understate it if it is fresh in my mind. I'm not intentionally being dishonest but once i have time to think about a situation, stuff tends to build up. In the moment, I may try to be positive but the negative, yucky stuff gets buried beneath the surface.

 

[Fidelia]

I think it is a typical infj problem, but I have concluded that it is not a life sentence. It is probably important though to clarify to those close that lack of hugely negative initial reaction to something doesn't necessarily mean that there is complete acceptance. Just that processing time is needed.

I think also that infjs need to be careful to deal with things that may seem "minor", as a means of offering information for themselves and others rather than trying to talk themselves out of those feelings or discounting the cause of them as too insignificant. They also need practice taking responsibility for expressing disagreement or preferences so that a pile of small issues don't suddenly sneak up on them.

As I've learned to better uphold boundaries, define what I want or communicate what options would be workable for me and what won't, I'm finding that I am more aware of how I feel, am not trying to discount it as invalid or undesireable, I feel less avoidant of hearing things that may be difficult, or dealing with surprises that are unpleasant, and I am less easily embarrassed or secretly resentful. People also know where they are at and are generally more thoughtful because I'm more sure of what I want and so they know I'm not feeling put upon or are suddenly surprised by blame.

I haven't arrived or anything, but I do find that I am much more able to figure out the intensity of what I feel in the moment, rather than there being a big time lag. I feel less pressure to plan for all eventualities because I'm getting better at emotionally improvising. I don't feel that I must present a final and definitive version of how I feel, with rationale to make an airtight case for those feelings to be justified. I am able to put less obligation on myself or others to accept the blame for mine or other people's feelings, but see them more as a check engine light kind of sign.

 

[jbkays]

This is me completely. I often have delayed responses. I have found I need time to process my feelings before I discuss them. This has taken weeks for me, sometimes just hours. My partner (ENTP) finds this to be frustrating. I like to process my feelings completely and be perfectly calm before I address a concern. My partner wants to talk it out in the heat of the moment. We are continuing to work on this difference and understand each other.

 

[Fidelia]

I think we tend to want to not want to be emotionally charged and also present a final version of our feelings and conclusions. Ntps are more likely to always be in a state of flux and are more tolerant of change and improvising. I think even understanding that difference is valuable for both parties in avoiding misunderstandings.