i went to a science/eng. uni, and eventually noticed that a lot of shy males (mostly INTs, i believe) did unexpected things after i'd done the smallest things like given them friendly eye contact, smiled at them or asked them about themselves. hanging around after class, following me places, offering to help me with calculus (good luck), etc.
i hate seeing someone ignored and gravitate towards the shy/quiet people in a room, always. they seem mysterious to me and i like observant people. we usually have great talks. so i seek them out and later on often find myself in the awkward position of being *fairly sure* they have some sort of interest in me, but i have no idea how to deal with it (hate hurting people). and they often can't or don't want to express their feelings, so it's awful for us both. i have this situation right now with my next door neighbor, and have no idea what to do. how could being friendly result in hurt feelings?
i've wondered recently if, as an E, i should initiate the discussion and clear the air. i am just really terrified of hurting someone. i think i project a lot...assume that if they're clammed up and incapable of expressing their feelings (i don't usually have this problem), they must be in an emotional coma of some kind, or severely traumatized. that is how i act when i'm so upset about something i can't articulate it. but perhaps other types would be relieved if i took action, and don't have as many feelings tied up in the matter as i've projected them to have.
Oh god, let me tell you hideous story about the shy quiet guy that I actually did like. In retrospect, I think he may have had asperger's because I remember when I first met him he told me that when he first began college he was so introverted and averse to socializing that if anyone at all physically touched him in any way he would sharply recoil. He also seemed a bit socially awkward, like being too shy in some situations, and talking awkwardly loudly in others. But I actually found him adorable, and by tutoring me he helped me make a B on my final exam in my college remedial algebra.
He was always very nice to me, and right before the Thanksgiving holiday he shyly asked me if I would like to hang out over the break, and even though I cheerfully said that sounded like a good idea, he acted embarrassed, and then never called me and told me he forgot.
Then at Christmas break he told me we should get together again...then didn't contact me at all until we were practically back in school. We had coffee together, and walked around town for a while, looked at an art gallery, then he left.
When we got back in school I noticed a weird pattern of him saying he would call me or would do this or that, but then he wouldn't. One day I finally got mad at him, because I decided he obviously wasn't really my friend and didn't care about me at all, since he kept "forgetting" to do things he said he was going to do.
Well, when I got upset, he actually started crying. I swear to god he actually got tears in his eyes. He was completely taken aback that I would even be offended by anything, and acted really weird after that and never spoke to me again. There was even some weird drama the following semester because we were in the same class, and I tried to be nice to him, and he would talk about me apparently to a guy who was in the class, who approached me to some effect like, "what the hell did you do to him?" Our professor even asked us one day if there was some personal issue that we needed to handle outside of class, he was that obvious and weird about it. Another day he almost tripped over himself staring at me in the mall, but when I said hi he quickly walked away.
I tried apologizing, etc. and he never spoke to me again. I think quiet, aspie people can be just as hurtful to us as we are to them, and they don't even realize it.
Then we're expected to be the bigger person because we're the Fs.
I just wanted to share this story, because I don't think it's always the case where we lead some poor sucker on. I actually am attracted to introverted men.
after weeks of him expressing a very serious interest in helping me with advanced integrals, we kissed, but i had no idea how deep his feelings went...my father had just died and i was an emotional mess. i may have been blubbering about my father while working on homework. anyway, after that, he used to drive by my flat, toss pebbles at my window to wake me up and see if i was up for some calculus. i am such an idiot, at the time i thought "my friend who i briefly kissed is obsessed with math!".
