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[ENFP] How Could ENFPs Marry Young?

Thalassa

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Something that I've kind of puzzled over on this forum are ENFPs who married very, very young or who want to get married young. I think if someone had tried to marry me when I was 19 or 20 they would have had to tie me down with ropes, and even then I would have kicked and screamed, and may have even stabbed them afterward just for good measure.

I saw having children early as a huge mistake that I needed to avoid (not that I cast that judgement on others, just for myself) so that I didn't end up torturing the child and my self too.

Even when I was with my ESFJ ex for five years I felt as though I was trying to push him out of the neat little hole he'd carved for himself (guess what? four and half years after our break-up, he still lives in that hole...so I'll never try to push an SJ again...) and felt like I was much more active and changeable while we were together than he was. This only became stifling later in the relationship and also had to do with non-MBTI related problems. In a weird way I'm glad we had those problems because chances are we would have broken up anyway because I wouldn't have been able to stand what I see as the limited monotony of his life.

I like being in a relationship, though, and obviously as I've grown older I've grown more capable of commitment. I just can't stand the idea of being truly tied down by anything.

I realized when and if I do marry that person will have to understand me and allow me a certain degree of independence.
 

mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
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i got engaged at 20 after being together for about 3 years.
he was over ten years older. one of those very long engagements.
somehow kept stalling... for another 4 years and i finally put him
out his misery... kept the ring turned it into earrings. souvenir.

just didn't know better. thought that was what i wanted at the time.
 

Thalassa

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Okay, I lied. I got married once in Vegas but it was very short lived and stupid and before I met my ESFJ ex.

I hate admitting it because it's really lame, but there it is. I'm a grown up and it's time I own up to the mistakes of my youth.

The guy I married I had only known for six months. What a joke. What a childish thing to do.

He's happily remarried now, like in a real marriage. :laugh:

If anything, I think this just reinforces my point. I know I got married in Vegas because it seemed fun and exciting, not because I wanted the actual "being married" part. That made itself evident pretty quickly, as I'm sure it would in most cases of impulsive Vegas marriages.

I can't even think of this person as "my ex-husband."
 

skylights

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hm. if the person i loved right now reciprocated, i would be willing to get engaged. i have known this person for many years and we have been through a lot together, seen each other and tolerated each other through our very worst. have you heard that quote...

Antoine de Saint Exupery said:
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.

i think it would be about that for me. i enjoy having a travelling partner, and i love to make future plans. but i don't really like to make them alone - i like having someone's approval and support. i like someone's help reflecting when i am indecisive too - and the more that person knows me and the more i trust them, the more they can help me. and i like having someone to keep up with, too. it just makes life more interesting. i like making them happy too. and i like feeling like part of a team... not "us against the world" or anything, but having an equal partnership and being one anothers' foils and supports.

i don't know if it makes much of a difference, but enneagram i'm sx/so - not much sp drive. i need alone time like everyone, but i really prefer having a close confidante. as long as the other person understands my flightiness, and is willing to go adventuring with me, then i'm very happy to have them along and even to usually let them lead the way. i know it's not gonna be perfect, but having found a person i feel so comfortable with, i can understand wanting to get married. that said, i know very few people i would even consider seriously dating, much less getting engaged or married.

oh but children - eventually, yes, but hell no for at least another 10 years! :laugh:
 

Thalassa

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May I ask how old you are? Are you at least 22 or 23 years old saying this? Because I'm thinking more of people under 21....and you're also saying "in the next few years" not "now" I noted.

I think you've also traveled already and may have been fortunate enough to find someone who is similar to you.

I think this may have something to do with it. I'm from a small town and a working-class background and therefore to me marriage and children basically equalled death in my eyes until I was able to get out of there.

I enjoy being in a relationship, I really do, I want a partner, but I can't stand the idea of being with someone who will suffocate me.
 

EJCC

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I think this may have something to do with it. I'm from a small town and a working-class background and therefore to me marriage and children basically equalled death in my eyes until I was able to get out of there.
This statement= your personal Fi value (at the time), though presumably not every ENFP's Fi value. So, my attempt at an answer to your question would be that an ENFP, if/when they didn't have that value, could easily get married at a young age. They might not marry the right person, but considering divorce rates these days, a significant number of people don't, regardless of age or type.
 

Thalassa

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It's just that some types fear being trapped or making the wrong decision more than others, and ENFP is one of those types.
 

2XtremeENFP

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I am terrified of marriage and of kids. lol but i know (..i think..) i want it someday

edit: i'm also 24 and still dont fully believe I am ready, though all of my friends my age are married and have kids... i dont know how they do it
 

skylights

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ah, yeah. though do you think there's so much difference between 19 and 23? i think it would depend on your experiences over that period of time... and this is true, i have already had a lot of limit-pushing experiences. although you know ENFPs, a little is never enough ;)

EJCC said:
So, my attempt at an answer to your question would be that an ENFP, if/when they didn't have that value, could easily get married at a young age.

yeah, this is a very good point. i'm from a moderately-sized city, and my parents are from large cities and have moved distances, so that idea of just immediately settling down was never really on my radar. i don't think i would ever even consider someone who would want to do that as potential spouse material.

as for others, let's see... i have some friends who have already married and settled in the towns where they were born, and ready for (or having) kids... no significant travel, no big future plans, etc. i cannot imagine doing that. of those people, i can't think of any ENFPs. the other ENFPs i know are mostly either still in school or somewhere off in europe or getting caught up in crazy business plans with ENTPs. or all three at once.
:laugh:

anyway. i think if an ENFP, probably sx/so, met an adventurous enough person, and went through enough with that person, i think it'd be feasible for them to have a happy marriage young. i can understand that desire to get married because i don't feel the same commitment phobia with relationships that i do with pretty much everything else.

but whether people in general should marry young is a totally different story.
 
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mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
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because it seemed fun and exciting, not because I wanted the actual "being married" part.

i'm still somewhat like this i think, ten years on.
ultimately i just want to a playmate, who i can
trust to step up if he should ever need to.

Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.
— One Hundred Years of Solitude


though do you think there's so much difference between 19 and 23? i think it would depend on your experiences over that period of time...

yes. huge difference. especially if you're used to having preset milestones
your entire life, and that age range is usually the transition period of going
into the world that no longer provides those guidelines (ie from school to the
real world in the physical sense, but also maturity wise).

what i learnt is that i just need the humility and time to figure stuff
out for myself, before i can involve anybody else, this includes lovers
and offspring. or else it's just resentment waiting to happen. younger,
i had much more audacity and believed i could take anything on--immediately.
there's something wonderful with that kind of recklessness, that
innocence, sometimes i miss it.

just need time to see, to believe, and observe. it's just as important
as the interaction. when i know it's something good, it's because i
recognise the patience that i suddenly have for it, it's a very bizzare
kind of gentleness that i see in myself which feels almost exclusive
with that very virtue.... something like that... hee.
 

Thalassa

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Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.
— One Hundred Years of Solitude

I want this. :heart: :yes:
 

Amargith

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I've been with my INTJ since I was 18 years old. We've had our doubts, obstacles and god knows what else. And it's in my nature to reevaluate at that point, to make sure that we're still right for each other and time and time again I came to the conclusion that there was just nothing in the world I would trade what I have with him for. But I need the freedom to do that evaluation. So yeah, I'm with you on that, marm. I am/was scared shitless of marriage and kids. My INTJ just shrugs at that and smiles. With any other girl, he'd ve done the whole proposal thing at the appropriate time and given her children, I have no doubt about that, as he considers this a mission complete.

I'm almost 30 now and I do sometimes dream about making it official...showing that commitment we both feel. But I doubt it'll ever be in the traditional format of marriage. It will be our own creation, I'm sure. The biggest issue I have with marriage is the legal part, the contract as such, which can result into messy divorces if it would ever come to that. But, it has its benefits. And the longer I'm with him, the more my anxieties on that wane. I've always trusted him, but never surrendered my full freedom. I'm getting to a point where I'm ok with that. Took me forever though and it's still beyond scary.
 

Thalassa

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hmmm...well I want a committed relationship at the stage I am at in my life now...it's just a matter of finding the right person

I just could not have possibly done it ten or twelve years ago, no way
 

Amargith

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I was looking for that big love..feeling intensely. Or rather..it's what I wanted but was not in a hurry to find after my first. Then I bumped into him. When you meet a person who, without judgment and even with love, accepts who you are, encourages it and isn't scared of your Fi-bursts, and can somehow survive more than 3 days in the same house with you when no one else could, you hold on to them ;)

I'm not saying I didn't have that 'is the grass perhaps greener?' curiosity along the way, but somehow the options i came across didn't measure up against the compatibility and history not to mention bond I had with him. And believe me, then it's easy to be committed, even at 18, and even in a long distance relationship (first 3 years) which, ironically gave extra freedom in a way ;)
 

MafiaAngel180

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I never really thought too much about being married. I was more wanting to just be in love. True love. And I would want that person to know (like I know) that marriage can be boring and horrible at times but that we loved each other so much that we had to keep the romance going by doing special things and making each other feel like it was new.
 

sculpting

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when young I never planned to get married or have kids....I wanted to be free and independent of others and in control of my own future. I also watched my mom rely upon men for everything, both emotionally, mentally and financially so I felt a bit repulsed by the idea. I have always felt a very strong need to be able to be self sustaining and not rely upon others.

As I have gotten wrinkly I now have two kids, and eventually did marry and then divorce. It still freaks me out to rely upon others as I feel like I am a burden though, so seek to pull my fair share. ^^^all Fi stuff I suppose.
 

Yloh

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There is nothing wrong with not getting married young. In fact, I truly believe too many people get married too soon. This isn't the 19th century anymore, and we have the freedom to truly discover ourselves. I am a totally different person now then I was 10 years ago. I hate the divorce rate in our culture and part of it is due to the fact people get married way too soon. While I am pro marriage, people need time to truly discover themselves first. You can't depend on your partner to make you whole. You need to be a whole person yourself, before you are ready to find a person who is whole themselves. Being a whole person means you are truly at peace with yourself, it means you know your life's purpose, and it means you are confident in who you are. People from 18-30 years of age really need time to experience the world in their own way. I feel when people wait till their 30-40s before they get married, they have a much more fulfilling marriage because those people have had plenty of time to become whole themselves.
 

miss fortune

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because they want to... people are individuals... personality type does not explain everything by any means :)
 

Yloh

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because they want to... people are individuals... personality type does not explain everything by any means :)

LOL, this is true. I have seen people who have gotten married young have very successful marriages.
 

chocolatethundaa

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Hey guys im almost definitely the youngest user here and seem to be the most desperate for a stable long term relationship. Currently im looking for a girl to be with for a number of years. I find that when it comes to relationships, because im after this I get REALY picky and turn down tonnes of relationship opportunities cause they just dont cut it in my books. If even possible I would get married before I was 30 but I doubt my ability to commit to any girl by that time due to my intense pickyness, ts just that I dont trust myself when I read the signs of affection comming off of another.
 
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