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[INFJ] How can I have INFJ's love !?!

tommyrader

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
16
MBTI Type
ENTJ
I'm ENTJ and I am loving an INFJ girl. I really-especially-and deeply love her! But I also realized it so hard for me to have her love!

I realized that my thinking, my plans, my ideas, .... have no effect with her (INFJ). One time, when I feel too sad and lonely, I call her and talk to her with my heart, and it's effective, As it would seem that she can feel my heart, or she love the emotion from the heart .... something like that. But that just a moment, I cannot always do that, you know, I am ENTJ.

We know that it's so hard for ENTJ to talk and take care with the heart or feeling. So ... how can I conquer an INFJ's heart?

Please, give me some advice!
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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14,497
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The good news is that ENTJs tend to look good to us because they are hard-working, passionate, decisive, entrepreneurial, always learning, not swayed with every little wind, not wildly emotional, and are take-chargey.

The bad news is that those same qualities can leave us feeling neglected or ignored or ran over, that you are insensitive or emotionally closed off, or that you don't value our pursuits as you do your own.

I think in a relationship between the two, the ENTJ needs someone to challenge them, but to still let them be in charge. That's a delicate balance and the very decisive qualities that are at first attractive, can be quite frustrating later. Similarly, our endearing qualities of adaptability, passion about what we do, warm communicativeness and sensitivity can be quite annoying and seem like a burden to an ENTJ after awhile.

Generally, INFJs need to learn to say how they feel immediately and bluntly when they feel something has gone wrong. Their natural inclination is to process it carefully first to see if their feelings are valid, and collect more data. They also don't like being as direct as is required for the ENTJ to perceive the issue as mattering to the INFJ. It doesn't work well with an ENTJ and often leads to a lot of over-emotion and resentment on the INFJ's part and a lot of frustration and ignoring on the ENTJ's.

If you recognize those things, you might have a chance of making a go of it, but there are probably better matches out there for you.

One thing to guard against is pushing an INFJ to reciprocate your feelings before they have had time to process their own. You may get an initial yes under pressure, but it makes it more likely that they will not last. Don't come on too forcefully and your chances of success will increase. You also have to be prepared to carve out time for them regularly and be prepared to listen to them openly. If you do that, they tend to be quite aggreeable and independent creatures. If not, they can be strident, emotional or needy.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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If you google INFJ and ENTP pairings, there is an article somewhere that delineates the goods and bads of the relationship and where both will have to flex. There's also a thread either in the NF or the NT forum (I think the NT forum) on how relationships between the two tend to work out. There are also a number of INFJs on here who have EXTJ exes who may be able to offer some insight.
 

eclare

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Jan 6, 2009
Messages
139
MBTI Type
INFJ
Based on my personal experience, try treating her like a queen, then ignoring her and treating her like shit, then just as she's ready to give up hope, swoop in and make everything better. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Sigh...don't mind me. I'm just terribly jaded and bitter.
 

Fidelia

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Yeah, we're suckers for that kind of thing, but it's also a good way to earn their everlasting resentment. Wouldn't recommend it.
 

Fluffywolf

Nips away your dignity
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Mar 31, 2009
Messages
9,581
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INTP
Enneagram
9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
You have to be a charming prince on a white horse with some obvious but acceptible surface flaws.

They want to dream about you but without the flaws they won't believe you exist and develop trust issues.

Be a king with a crutch and INFJ heart you shall touch.


edit: You should probably read this as: don't try too hard, just show interest and be yourself. Personally I like the above better though. But it all comes down to the same thing.

Also, being the one to come out with the feelings is advised. Heck, with INFJ's you never know. She may already be in love with you, but you'd be completely oblivious to it unless you give her the green light to show it.
 

Arclight

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Write INFJ poetry..

Works for me.. ;)
 

Vasilisa

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Feb 2, 2010
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so/sx
Hi tommyrader, I feel a lot of compassion for someone lovelorn like yourself. I understand what you are saying about the times you can connect with your girl and how much you desire more of that. Yet I find myself wincing slightly at some of the terms: "have her love", "conquer an INFJ's heart" I fear they might symbolize an approach that simply isn't appropriate. The love inside of her isn't really something you you can stratgeize your way into possessing. Aren't your interactions already sending you that message? In that way, dear ENTJ, it may be unlike anything else you will encounter or want in life. The normal rules about toiling, executing and achieving do not apply here. And thats one reason why its infinitely more precious. I'm sorry, but I don't have suggestions for you to try to solve this question "How can I have INFJ's love!?" Trying so hard to win, in this situation, just seems to be self-defeating. But I don't blame you for your compulsion to strive. I don't blame you for feeling so frustrated.


So ... how can I conquer an INFJ's heart?
I don't have your answer, but if you find out, tell it to me, won't you? I would like to conquer my own.
 

Arclight

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Write INFJ poetry..

Works for me.. ;)

I should probably add.. That it works in attracting them somehow.. But I do a pretty poor job of keeping them around once they have "chosen" me.
 

Faine

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Jan 15, 2009
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87
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INFJ
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9w1
I don't think I can add much that others haven't already said.

Hm... I'll just say: don't try too hard. Generally, INFJs pick up on fakeness like a slap to the face and it's a massive turn off. Just be yourself and don't try to play up certain things that you think she'd find more appealing. Chances are she'll figure it out pretty quickly, and even if she doesn't, it's not something to base a relationship on.

I realized that my thinking, my plans, my ideas, .... have no effect with her (INFJ). One time, when I feel too sad and lonely, I call her and talk to her with my heart, and it's effective, As it would seem that she can feel my heart, or she love the emotion from the heart .... something like that. But that just a moment, I cannot always do that, you know, I am ENTJ.

How do you mean that your plans and ideas have no effect on her?
Do you think she's not interested?
Has she shared any of her own with you?

The fact that 'talking with your heart', as you put it, got a good connection with her doesn't surprise me though.
 

tommyrader

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Jan 5, 2011
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ENTJ
First, I really thanks all your replies to my thread. I'm really happy for this!

@all: I admit that I was wrong when using the word "conquer" to describe my love. ^^ I think I need to change some of my view ^^

@eclare: It's so fun ^^

@Fluffywolf: I wish I have a white horse ^^. As I talked before, I feel it's really hard for me to talk with the feeling. A little that I cannot understand other feeling. A little that I feel so weak when I do that. ....

@Arclight: Will I have money? :p

@Vasilisa: I'm sorry that I used wrong words and I also think I'm wrong in the point of view of love or the way I feel the love .... ( I'm really bad in describing my feeling).
But you know that, I sincerely love her from the time I know that she waited her close friend (she loved him) 2 years in sadness.
The story is that she and her close friend go together in 2 years. After that, they get into university. From that time, she and he is no longer close like the past. From that time, she's lonely, sad, hurt so much and ... it took 2 years.
She share all those things to me (as a brother) and I know that, from that time, I fell in love with her.​

I really love when I realize she's so Loyal, faithful. She love people, She's tolerant; generous. She's sincere but also very intelligent (maybe more than me). But because of that, I realize that her heart is the huge castle that I can't get into.
It's so hard with me, the one that have problem in reveal emotion, feeling. the one that have problem to talk with the heart inside.

@Faine:
How do you mean that your plans and ideas have no effect on her?
Do you think she's not interested?
Has she shared any of her own with you?

Yaa. When I talk about some interesting things like game, travel, restaurant, music ... I read from her face that It's not interesting with her. Especially when I talk about physical things or logic things.
But, when I change, I talk about people, about emotion, about sentiment, it make her notice and look happier.

@fidelia: I'm trying to practice your advice ^^


Thanks all for your advice, hope that I can recieve more your ideas!
 

Fidelia

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The fact that you feel weak when you do that seems to be a pretty common ENTJ trait. DiscoBiscuit wrote a thread awhile ago in the NT section about that called "The Iceman and the Child". You might find it interesting. I've found though that it is only when you can display some vulnerability or weakness, that people ever really see who you are. It's a way of expressing trust in them. Only when you trust them can you get close to someone. INFJs especially have a very hard time feeling close to someone who doesn't need what they have to offer. What they tend to have to offer is understanding about how people work or systems involving people. If that isn't interesting to you, or if you have a hard time showing that you need what she has to offer in the way of understanding and allowing you to be vulnerable in front of her, it's going to be unlikely that she'll feel like she really knows you, that you really trust her or that she can get close to you.
 

eclare

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INFJs especially have a very hard time feeling close to someone who doesn't need what they have to offer. What they tend to have to offer is understanding about how people work or systems involving people. If that isn't interesting to you, or if you have a hard time showing that you need what she has to offer in the way of understanding and allowing you to be vulnerable in front of her, it's going to be unlikely that she'll feel like she really knows you, that you really trust her or that she can get close to you.

This is absolutely spot on (although, let's be fair, almost everything fidelia says is spot on ;)). We need to give to people, and it's damn near impossible for us to comprehend why someone who doesnt want what we're trying to give would ever stick around. The best way to soothe that anxiety is to explain, with sincerity and in substantive detail, why you love being with that person. Tell her what she is giving you, how she makes you feel, why you're life is better with her in it. It may be that what you love is exactly what she's purposely giving, or it may be that it's something she wasn't even aware of. Either way she will find it gratifying and will most likely use the information to be even better to you.
 

tommyrader

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Jan 5, 2011
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ENTJ
@Fidelia and Eclare: After 2 days thinking about your advices, I realize something (or can say, I discover a little thing) that, I not only need a strong reason, a strong thinking, I also need a strong heart. I need a heart that can show my sentiment, my love without scaring if people can hurt it. And if I don't have a strong heart, I can't feel love, and I will easily hurt if people don't love me.

Is my thinking right? Friends :)
 

Fidelia

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I think so. There's no weakness in having a strong heart.
 

eclare

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@Fidelia and Eclare: After 2 days thinking about your advices, I realize something (or can say, I discover a little thing) that, I not only need a strong reason, a strong thinking, I also need a strong heart. I need a heart that can show my sentiment, my love without scaring if people can hurt it. And if I don't have a strong heart, I can't feel love, and I will easily hurt if people don't love me.

Is my thinking right? Friends :)

I'm not 100% sure what you're asking, but what I think you're getting at is that your heart must be strong enough to take the risk of expressing your feelings to others. If you cannot express feelings of love and need then you will end up hurting your lover, which will in turn hurt you. If that's what you're saying, then yes...you are exactly right.

ENTJ's pride themselves on their strength, but in order to be happy with an INFJ you must be able to share your weaknesses. Ironically, it takes a very strong person to do that.
 

tommyrader

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Jan 5, 2011
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Can I ask you one question, my friends.

INFJ don't like power and don't like to be affected by power, do they ?
 
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