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[MBTI General] Why aren't we the type we would choose?

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
This is a little bit of a philosophical question...

It seems as I learn more about type that we are somewhat bound by our type in how we behave. We can learn and grow and stretch ourselves, but when it comes down to most of life we are going to behave according to our basic natures.

I've noticed that many people post that they want to be a different type.

So my question is - why can't we be the people we want to be?

I used to assume that if someone acted rude or nice or silly that they were acting that way because they wanted to.

And then I realized that if I were to choose a personality for myself, I would be a raging extrovert, organized and grounded in reality. I would be super friendly with everyone and be a real encourager.

Instead, I am so introverted that I avoid calling people back on the phone, even when it is important, and even when I know that their feelings are probably hurt. I am completely unorganized and reality is a fleeting concept for me.

am not complaining, I just don't understand why we can't just decide who we are going to be?

I know many of you will reply and say "Just be who you want to be," but it really isn't that easy. That only works when I am full of energy and can resist my natural impulses.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I used to think I'd be an INTJ when I grew up. You know, when I was about 22 I thought they were really the pinnacle of maturity.

Now I realize that's a bunch of horseshit and I'd actually not want to have to deal with their issues, that the fact of the matter is that I actually *do* prefer being a feeler, and experiencing things intensely, and I like the fact that I have good communication skills, and that my lack of planning has actually provided me with a somewhat fun and interesting life, although it certainly has it's down sides.

Sure, it would be so nice to be some wonderfully organized, realistic SJ...or would it?

People always think they want what they aren't...they want curly hair if they have straight hair, they want straight hair if they have curly hair.

We all have our weaknesses, and sometimes our weaknesses feel especially limiting and embarrassing merely through the fault of being our own, not because they are objectively that much worse than other people's weaknesses.

I think I do like the type that I am, and it just took me a while to accept myself. That could be said about many people, even if we're not talking about MBTI type.
 

InvisibleJim

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Joined
Nov 19, 2009
Messages
2,387
***Psychological Jibber Jabber Warning!***

Well if you go back to Jung in Psychological Types, he states that the 'primary' cognitive function is your own sexual attitude; such as an Ne dominant sees all masculinity or femininity based upon their own cognitive definition; by contrast the Anima (the inferior function) specifies their subconscious opposite sexual orientation. Therefore an Ne dom will see an Si user of the opposite sex as desirable subconsciously as it provides them with balance.

Surely there is a phase when we first starting to grapple with issues of the opposite sex where we find that subconscious presence very comforting and desirable and want it inclusively to be us; but it's important to remember that its not what we chose for ourselves, but what we find comforting in others of the opposite sex.

In my research I've found that discussion seems to be where the basis of where type based relationship compatibility comes from although what Jung is really saying is that someone with those characteristics is desirable only if you can continue down your own preferred cognitive route simultaneously as having a stable relationship with your cognitive opposite. Of course, it's likely all bullshit; yah.

***Psychological Jibber Jabber Ends!***
 

slowriot

He who laughs
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
1,314
Enneagram
5w4
I dont consider pesonality type to be a hinder for personal developement, I think its a realization of ones weaknesses and a decent way to gain insight into other peoples motivations, desires, behavior and so on. It doesnt cover all, but atleast enough. I consider my motivations, desires, wishes to be a semi-fluid entity. But I also have an almost fixed cognitive, physical preference, that will dominate or be the filter to how I come to these decisions.

I have used the analogy of a painter before and I think it covers well what I mean. Everyday is like a new canvas Im painting, it do have a general theme to it, which is my personal style so to say. Each day is a different variation on this theme or within this art form. If I was to change my style, like going from pointilism to contemporary impressionism, I might do pretty decent. But if I was to go into cubism, I would probably suck at it. Atleast at first, but the potential that I would be remembered as a great cubistic master is not significantly high.

So why is this? Because cognitive functions are not motivations or what I want to be, but the method of how I get there.
 

Chaotic Harmony

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Jul 13, 2009
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ENFP
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9w1
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sx
Ah, now this I can relate to. I tried to be more of a SJ than an SP.... But I've learned to accept that organization and deadlines are definitely not a high priority to me. It drove me crazy when I was trying to organize everything and plan everything in advance. It was such a waste of time, because I'd plot out this agenda, and then wouldn't stick to it at all so I felt like I totally wasted time! And deadlines and being places on time, yeah that's a laugh... I will never be one to leave early for anything, I always seem to leave at the last possible minute. The majority of the time I can manage to make it somewhere on time.... However, I don't even want to know how many drivers I piss off to accomplish that. :blush:

I'm one of those people that friends and family say "She doesn't have a mean bone in her body" about.... I really don't... I've tried to be mean before and it's the most pathetic attempt ever. Sometimes, I wonder if I was more of a thinker instead of a feeler if I could be a little bit meaner. I know it's a good thing to be nice, but some people really try and take advantage of it, and think I'm a pushover because of it. Thankfully, even though I'm nice I guess I have a little bit of a intimidating appearance to some people. I really don't think so myself, but people always comment on my broad shoulders and the fact that I don't smile 24/7. Whatever. If that's all I've got at least it's something to make people think I'd be a little bit harder to steamroll. :shrug:

Okay, anyway, I'm just rambling at this point.... So the shortened version... I've tried really hard to change my personality type and all it ever did was made me miserable and stressed out! Once I accepted the way I was and worked with it instead of against it, I was a lot happier!
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I think people are generally happy in their skin. You ask anybody what they like about themselves and dislike, you'll get answers that are somewhat related to their type (assuming the question isn't asked with type in mind). I say that because just because you are a certain type does not mean you exhibit all behaviors associated with that type.

At the same time we all have insecurities and a tendency to compare ourselves to others.

So we look at the apparent greener grass of another person or type, and think they must have a better life experience because they have those functions. At the same time that person's looking at you wishing they had what you got! LOL.

It just confirms even more our codependence on each other (for the right reasons).
 

animenagai

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Aug 22, 2008
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NeFi
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4w3
^Yeah I'll buy that. I mean I dream about different types too, but there's a reason that it's just a passing whim. Put it this way, we all know our weaknesses. It should be painfully obvious to all of us, especially since we study MBTI. Put it this way, when someone else goes 'hmmmm... I wish I was type x' do you think they're actively aware of the problems that come with that type? Probably not. I think we just use other types as a way to dream about how we can improve. Given a long thought about the pros and cons of every type, I doubt too many people would actually want to change their types.
 

Chaotic Harmony

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ENFP
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sx
Aren't we the type we wanna be? :shrug:

Most of the time I am... However, there are times where my mom has a way of commenting about how I need to be more organized and need to be less impulsive... And it's those times where I start wishing I was a different type.... Probably not so much for me, but so she'll stop barkin' in my ear about it. :smile:
 

Affably Evil

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Jul 17, 2010
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73
MBTI Type
INFJ
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5w4
Aren't we the type we wanna be? :shrug:

There's always some social pressure to be a little more ____ or a little less ____. Or we think life would be easier if we were _____ and so on and on.
 

skylights

i love
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Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
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INFP
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6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I think we just use other types as a way to dream about how we can improve.

probably.

i do seriously think about how much better off i might be as a J though. being a P is like always running to catch up with everyone else.
 

animenagai

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probably.

i do seriously think about how much better off i might be as a J though. being a P is like always running to catch up with everyone else.

Eh I get that feeling too. But do you really want to be a J? Honestly, at least I quite enjoy being a P, that is, until I have assignments due. I just want to be a P with better organization skills, doesn't make me want to be a J though :shrug:. I've compared the what I am now to an ENFJ, and no offense to any ENFJ's, I think they're great people, but I don't want to be them. I just think it's easy to think 'man I wish I was more organized/had better planning' and not think about the advantages being a P has over a J, things like finding it harder to rebound when bad things happen or having certain functions as your dominant/auxiliary functions.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
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Jul 23, 2010
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Type is inborn. We are the types we are because its programmed in our genetic code somehow. Our brains are wired to naturally think and process information in certain ways. We can learn to compensate for our weakness and learn new ways to think about things but there will always be a way we're most naturally predisposed to.
 

BlueGray

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Oct 7, 2009
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INTP
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5
I find it hard to fathom wanting to be a different type. When I want to change stuff about myself it's change action but the roots and reasons are all the same. Kind of solve the problem while still being an INTP.
 

Lady_X

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Oct 27, 2008
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18,235
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sx/sp
to op...totally! what's up with that!? i feel like you do...i like being an enfp but wish i could turn it off and be an esfj when necessary or an entj or something...
 

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
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Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
Try to be the best that you can. 'Type' is an abstraction that you can live without. Seriously, do you really want to be someone else that badly?
 

Synapse

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Dec 29, 2007
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INFP
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4
There's always some social pressure to be a little more ____ or a little less ____. Or we think life would be easier if we were _____ and so on and on.

There is that, but why, why do we buy into it, darn social pressure.
 

animenagai

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Aug 22, 2008
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NeFi
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Type is inborn. We are the types we are because its programmed in our genetic code somehow. Our brains are wired to naturally think and process information in certain ways. We can learn to compensate for our weakness and learn new ways to think about things but there will always be a way we're most naturally predisposed to.

This does seem to be a popular opinion, but I do wish to see some evidence for this. It's a big claim.
 

wolfy

awsm
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Jun 30, 2008
Messages
12,251
Over the years certain traits have come in as useful. They have become stronger and stronger. You could change, but would it be worth the hassle? You can leverage the skills you do have to get what you want. If you can't you just aren't thinking it through enough. Something is only a weakness if it prevents you from doing something you need to do. A lot of people say they can't be organised. I don't see why any type can't be organised, you just have to find your style.

That is where it is at. Style. I've got to be me.
 

prplchknz

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Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
lets see INFPs are sterotyped as winey no backboned weiners who do not know how to use logic and cry at the slightest insult. Yeah........
 
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