[MBTI General] NF love?

[armstrongvk12]

I do think that you're describing ENF's here rather than INF's. The INFJ's and INFP's I know are very careful about who they love romantically but when they do get involved they do so very deeply.

I hate to say it, but I have a very dear male INFJ friend who flits from relationship to relationship as well as date to date....in search of the perfect woman. You would think at his age he could figure out that none of us is perfect, but his search continues.

 

[CzeCze]

That reminds me of a failed relationship story I heard. He was 40 something and he backed out of relationship with a guy who really cared for him because, according to him, there was "no magic". My INTP friend said, why they fug is he talking about MAGIC, how old is he? But, I guess some people are die hard idealist romantics.

I agree with the immaturity comments. Part of immaturity is not knowing yourself. A lot of people cannot distinguish between loneliness and "lustiness" and a general desire to be accepted or feel needed.

The closest thing to faking it I have gotten is entering in a relationship and developing feelings for someone I knew I should do neither with and that I initially didn't feel anything for. She was BAD NEWS and my first instinct was that she would hurt me immensely. And I was correct. What's the point of being intuitive if you dont' act accordingly?

Also, my personal concept of 'love' et. al. is very NFP I think. I'm not really into the traditional idea of love in the classic romantic sense. In theory I believe love is hard to define and pin down and shouldn't be hoarded to be doled out like war-time rations.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I think love is universal and at your best you should tap into it and be be a living conduit. It's very possible to have beautiful, meaningful moments and connections with people that defy traditional descriptions and I think the more you allow yourself to feel it, receive it, and give it the greater the momentum. The more you give, the more you get and it has a cascading effect.

At the risk of sounding like a total frickin hippie, love is a revolutionary act.

 

[Kiddo]

I hate to say it, but I have a very dear male INFJ friend who flits from relationship to relationship as well as date to date....in search of the perfect woman. You would think at his age he could figure out that none of us is perfect, but his search continues.

Are you certain he is an INFJ? That just so doesn't sound like me one bit.

 

[heart]

Are you certain he is an INFJ? That just so doesn't sound like me one bit.

Looking for perfection does sound INFJ.

 

[Kiddo]

Looking for perfection does sound INFJ.

It isn't the searching for perfection that throws me off, it's the slipping from relationship to relationship. I could never do that. I tried one pragmatic relationship and it was a disaster. Dating is one thing, but actually becoming involved with person after person goes completely against the INFJ grain.

 

[Lateralus]

I agree with the immaturity comments. Part of immaturity is not knowing yourself.

I know that in my case it was definitely immaturity.

I actually need to revise something from my previous post. I was in a bad relationship about a year ago that I tried to work out, even though I wasn't in love with her. That was the first (and hopefully only) time I tried to do that. She ended up cheating on me and I didn't even care, it was actually a relief because then I had my out.

 

[nightning]

It isn't the searching for perfection that throws me off, it's the slipping from relationship to relationship. I could never do that. I tried one pragmatic relationship and it was a disaster. Dating is one thing, but actually becoming involved with person after person goes completely against the INFJ grain.

And that is the crux of the matter. It depends on how you define a relationship. I am also guilty of "trying" without letting myself go. I suppose you can call that slipping in and out of "relationships". It's precisely because I care too much about "true love" (whatever that maybe) that I haven't seriously been involved with anybody yet.

 

[armstrongvk12]

Are you certain he is an INFJ? That just so doesn't sound like me one bit.

I am certain that he is an INFJ as he took the test. One of the descriptions that I read of INFJ basically described them as looking for perfection...so I think in that regard...he files through women....and makes mental notes as to the reasons why "it wouldn't work." Sometimes...I just want to smack him...even though....I do love him. :steam:

 

[Carebear]

Does he truly enter the relationships before leaving them, though?

(I'm not talking hanky panky, I'm talking emotional commitment.)

 

[armstrongvk12]

Does he truly enter the relationships before leaving them, though?(I'm not talking hanky panky, I'm talking emotional commitment.)

I'm not totally sure. He did tell me that he constantly looks for perfection....and he typically has a TON of "one date" wonders. I know he has had some short term relationships too, and he has been married previously.

The times that he has revealed secrets to me....he will typically distance himself from me. So...I respond in kind.....by letting him go away. I feel that confronting him will drive him away from me. Every once in awhile I can confront him with an issue, but I can't do it directly. I have to basically reveal different layers of an issue to him...until he figures it out. At this point, I would say that we have some sort of partial emotional commitment. But he always seems to come back to me...because I am technically only a friend. Does that count?

 

[Carebear]

It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.

 

[armstrongvk12]

It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.

I think you may be right...he never really begins relationships in the first place. Even when he was married....he was alway gone from the home.

 

[sakuraba]

Sakuraba, do you mean that from your POV, it seems as though NF's are often more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually truly in love with the person?

My experience says that can be the case with many types... it's often the case with young/immature people, generally. The ideal is pushed on us all so hard that lots of people (maybe more so females) are made to feel like they're a failure if they don't find their "one true love" and have a dream wedding etc, etc... They want to live the dream/ideal so bad that they convince themselves that someone who comes along, fits the part, when really they've just been sorta shoe-horned into it.

I've been on the receiving end of an INFJ doing that to me, but I can say I've been as guilty of it in the past myself, and I'm definitely not an NF.

BINGO!!!

 

[nightning]

BINGO!!!

If that's what you're talking about... you're likely to be referring to all young/immature Fs... it doesn't just pertain to NFs. *shrugs* A lesson people learn... eventually.

 

[white]

It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.

Just some thoughts...

NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

Hard questions...

 

[substitute]

If that's what you're talking about... you're likely to be referring to all young/immature Fs... it doesn't just pertain to NFs. *shrugs* A lesson people learn... eventually.

Not even just F's... and haha... I've known a few T's of various flavours to get hooked on moping about, revelling in the 'tragedy' that they can never have their true love... for all the tragic reasons they give... that really amount to "I barely know her actually, and besides, she's with someone else".

I've seen many a Thinker go down that path. Attributing qualities to someone that they don't have, getting obsessed with them, and pretty much fixating on the impossibility of this 'doomed love' maybe as a defense mechanism to stop them actually seeking a proper relationship of true intimacy... of which they're afraid.

 

[white]

Not even just F's... and haha... I've known a few T's of various flavours to get hooked on moping about, revelling in the 'tragedy' that they can never have their true love... for all the tragic reasons they give... that really amount to "I barely know her actually, and besides, she's with someone else".

I've seen many a Thinker go down that path. Attributing qualities to someone that they don't have, getting obsessed with them, and pretty much fixating on the impossibility of this 'doomed love' maybe as a defense mechanism to stop them actually seeking a proper relationship of true intimacy... of which they're afraid.

Because of the Ti isn't it. A perfect system. That's what I meant that a T clings to a principle/ideal of a love, and to a relationship which may not be real. Because the ideal matters more than the person. ?

make sense?

 

[Carebear]

Just some thoughts...

NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

Hard questions...

Well, to a degree it makes sense, especially the commitment to person vs. commitment to principle, but you'll find so many individual differences that it'll rarely apply in the way you describe it. There are also huge differences between J and P/I and E in this regard. NFJs are probably more likely to commit to the principle and stick with it than the NFPs etc.

 

[Geoff]

Just some thoughts...

NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

Hard questions...

I don't want to give you a hard time for trying to fit a pattern around the types.. but.. putting aside introversion/extraversion there is too much variation between the different types (NFJ, NTJ, NTP NFP) to try and put it down to one pairing vs another quite this simply.. I think..

It is also a bit too easy to justify the reverse behaviour using the same arguments.. eg perhaps NTs don't commit because their feelings aren't involved, or are less well understood (rather than the opposite).. Or, NFs may commit for life because they are so values driven, and they may hold the values that lifelong love and commitment are a core quality...

Hmm, hard questions indeed. Maybe it is just something that happens to "people".. and then how they react to it is based on type (so the type is a secondary impact, not a primary cause).

 

[white]

I don't want to give you a hard time for trying to fit a pattern around the types.. but.. putting aside introversion/extraversion there is too much variation between the different types (NFJ, NTJ, NTP NFP) to try and put it down to one pairing vs another quite this simply.. I think..

It is also a bit too easy to justify the reverse behaviour using the same arguments.. eg perhaps NTs don't commit because their feelings aren't involved, or are less well understood (rather than the opposite).. Or, NFs may commit for life because they are so values driven, and they may hold the values that lifelong love and commitment are a core quality...

Hmm, hard questions indeed. Maybe it is just something that happens to "people".. and then how they react to it is based on type (so the type is a secondary impact, not a primary cause).

not a hard time, was merely observations (while at work!), and was wondering if there was any relation.

True that... love is a personal experience at the end of it, isn't it. Otherwise there'd only be 16 ways of loving in the world. And the types don't take into account experience and conscious control of destructive behaviour....