[INFJ] INFJ woman with the blues lacks motivation

[SilkRoad]

So glad to see you here, Silkroad! I relate so much to a lot of what you say... I wonder if there's a similar enneagram or shared experience or something beyond the shared MBTI type. I like what you said above. Last year lots of crazy things happened -- transitions, escaping from a toxic job into another environment that was incredibly hard for me, cutting off from my family, then starting graduate school. So my hair started to (literally) just fall off of my head. I'm not balding, but it was just really saddening/triggering to see the sheer amount that fell out during a shower. I went to the doctor to see if my thyroids were acting up or if I had some disease I didn't know about, and when she suggested stress, I thought, "well, my life and job are easy" completely oblivious to how the stress was stored up. What made you finally realize you had all this residual stress? I think I'm with you there... I did yoga, and felt so incredibly sad afterward... it was like something holding back the sadness was released. I think it's healthy and necessary to be in touch with what's actually going on within you (and that statement REALLY differs by type, I bet).

I was having a lot of physical symptoms too. Not hair loss...well actually, I'm not sure about that. My hairdresser friend who did my hair the last few years till she moved away asked a couple of times if I thought I was losing hair. Certainly not in a really noticeable/scary way but I think maybe I lost slightly more than I should have been. I was constantly getting the kind of symptoms that in the past I only had under an extreme level of emotional stress - major fatigue, nausea sometimes to the point where I literally couldn't eat (or not without vomiting), backaches, plus a lot of general negative thinking. I had too many days when I called in sick for work because I...wasn't exactly sick but just couldn't face whatever I needed to do. Etc.

Also, two years ago I developed a semi-serious phobia about flying. I have always been a somewhat nervous flyer but after a bad experience (emergency landing...not a horrific one, but still a scary experience) it got really bad. I had some therapy which helped and now things are better again, still not great, but better. But I am pretty sure the phobia was exacerbated by just a general buildup of stress.

I also now realise how bad it had become because now I feel so much better. Not perfect...but more balanced and healthy and happy than I have for at least three years. And I think...maybe even more than I have for something like seven years...no joke. A lot of these realizations can be in retrospect.


By the way, do you know what your e-type is? Realising that I'm almost certainly a 6, as well as knowing I'm INFJ, has helped me discern some things and patterns of behaviour.

Yes, exactly! Months later, I'll think, "that was so offensive!" but the conversation was months ago... so I can't say anything! And the people saying those sorts of things aren't going to be the ones who can relate to my delayed reactions / delayed emotional processing. Or like I was describing above, not realizing that stress might have caused the hair loss.

Ohhhhh yes. I think someone once said something so incredibly bitchy to me that I only realised YEARS later how bitchy it was. The delayed reaction thing is both funny and frustrating. It does sometimes cause me problems in my relationships with others because they think I'm fine with something at the time, then later I pull it out and confront them with it because I just can't take any more and it's been festering and building up. I'm working on that but it's hard because I don't either want to be someone who freaks out all the time about maybe petty things.

By the way, yeah, if you feel like you should start "forcing yourself" to do things again that you really enjoy, DO IT. I try to schedule those plays, art galleries, etc etc into my life semi-regularly. Fortunately I live somewhere I have access to a lot of this. I know it's not something you can always have time for, but if it refreshes you and you enjoy it, you should do it. And yes, keeping in touch with/getting back in touch with old friends is really great.

Basically, I think that if you enjoy something and it makes you feel better, and it's not illegal or immoral (in whatever way) you should do it as often as you can

 

[mochajava]

Just an update about the fun things... I've started exercising closer to every day, just because it's something I love to do but don't let myself do as much as I'd like because it takes time away from work. (I probably need to back off the work thing a bit). I did hot yoga, which is 1.5 hours of stretching and pushing and strength... I was crying by the end, like it released something. But I (really) felt the difference the next day. And today I went to the gym in the morning, and that really got the day off to a great start.

I guess I never saw a point in enjoying myself or conducting my life in such a way that I did more of that... but I am slowly (very slowly) realizing that it's necessary in order to be happy. I've been keeping a list of things I'm meaning to do, so that I don't have to think of them when the time comes (on the list right now: read more Alice Walker books, watch Almodovar's Hable Con Ella, and visit Baltimore's Book thing http://bookthing.com/)

My e-type is 4 or 5, I think -- the romantic one.

 

[mochajava]

Just an update about the fun things... I've started exercising closer to every day, just because it's something I love to do but don't let myself do as much as I'd like because it takes time away from work. (I probably need to back off the work thing a bit). I did hot yoga, which is 1.5 hours of stretching and pushing and strength... I was crying by the end, like it released something. But I (really) felt the difference the next day. And today I went to the gym in the morning, and that really got the day off to a great start.

I guess I never saw a point in enjoying myself or conducting my life in such a way that I did more of that... but I am slowly (very slowly) realizing that it's necessary in order to be happy. I've been keeping a list of things I'm meaning to do, so that I don't have to think of them when the time comes (on the list right now: read more Alice Walker books, watch Almodovar's Hable Con Ella, and visit Baltimore's Book thing http://www.bookthing.org/)

My e-type is 4 or 5, I think -- the romantic one.

 

[cascadeco]

Okay - so I am on a long, slow road... I like this idea of not making life all about work, but about what you like / enjoy / feel refreshed from. Honestly, I know what those things USED to be for me, but I think I've been just getting through each day for so long that I'm slowly reminding myself of what those are. Is it okay to force yourself to do these things initially? These things might be... seeing a play. Going to an art museum. Calling up an old friend (even though social things are nervewracking for me until I actually DO them). Is it productive to force yourself into these types of healthy behaviors? It seems weird to force yourself to enjoy things -- is this ludicrous? Or has this worked to pull anyone else out of a rut? I think this is a 'rebuilding' phase for me.

Oh my!! I think I've always had the opposite problem... I've never discovered a career that I love or could see myself loving in the longterm, so I've never seen Life at all as tied to work or being about work. Work has always been my particular thorn.

Aww.... yes, most definitely try to nurture yourself in other ways!!! Exercise is great, and finding a mode of exercise that you enjoy and that can be a good release for you. And start trying to craft moments of quiet time for yourself - whether it's enjoying a warm drink or listening to some music or reading a novel. Whatever it is that you enjoy. And from there you might discover some new hobbies or creative outlets.

If you've never really incorporated enjoyment into your life, then yes it will probably need to be forced initially. Anything that you're not accustomed to will feel weird initially, probably.

As for getting out of a rut, yes, it's definitely possible!!!! It might take a little while to change how you look at things (I call it rewiring the brain circuits) and change your priorities and perspectives about certain things, but it's definitely possible. Might be frustrating at times, if you're frustrated with the process and time it might take to fully do a 180, but you're on the path. I know I've been in various ruts now and again, one that lasted a couple of years before I really completely rewired things, and I think these ruts are a natural part of life. Unpleasant, certainly, and the element of inner scrutiny and analysis could be quite hard at times, but also these ruts can be an indicator of a growth opportunity.

Life can have many, many elements, and can be built in whatever way suits you and brings you the most peace, balance, and joy.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

This is so true. I notice these looks on people's faces, particularly public transportation in the northeast. Next time you're on a Boston or NYC subway, look at everyone's faces.

Seems like the lightbox is the way to go. It's not quite dark here yet, but it's getting there. Also, I work from home, so I could easily sit in front of the light those days.

And, btw, I should have said this long ago -- thanks to everyone who is contributing on here!

It sounds like that would work well! I would like to encourage you to give it a try.

I don't want to derail the thread, but what is a good place to get a light box? I tried medication for the winter blues a few years back and it made me feel worse than I normally do. That was really not good.

I got mine from Walgreens: http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/day-light-daylight-therapy-sad-lamp/ID=prod686486-product. It cost $199.00 . Also, as Eclare mentioned, the sunbox.com website is a good source. Sunbox was one of the first companies to sell lightboxes, so they've been around for awhile.

 

[mochajava]

Update for everyone -

Things are better. I feel better. I am tired, but not burnt out (very different feelings), and now that it's the weekend, I am taking a break

Thank you so much! This helped me tremendously, you have no idea. Sometimes talking about things in writing is necessary for me (talking is something that's very hard for me if I'm not doing well), and you all have so many different ideas and perspectives. Also, getting the NF perspective that I relate to is just KEY. Many of the people physically closer to me just can't relate in this way. If INFJs really are 1% of the population, then this is reasonable.

-I'm going to get a lightbox before the winter hits here. I think it's a great idea.
-Forcing myself to get out and do yoga, see people I'm excited about and add distance with the people I'm not (ahem, new thread about boundaries: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37051&p=1389207#post1389207) has been immensely helpful
-My advisor told me that part of professional success is just having a personal life outside of work. That way, if work isn't going well, you just don't care quite as much. Don't make life all about work. Probably sounds obvious to most of you reading this, but I come from a background where if you're not working / cleaning / accomplishing, the questions of "why are you lazy? Why are you wasting your time? You'll never get anywhere," starts raining hard and fast. I think a lot of what I'm doing now is undoing that programming. The whole "life is supposed to be fun" thing just wasn't a concept for me growing up.
-I remember what's fun for me! I am reading books I'm psyched about, seeing this artist' work (http://www.baltimorebrew.com/2010/11/10/loring-cornish/), have NEW people in my day-to-day life who are amazing, I'm going hiking this weekend, and I like teasing my husband about stupid things. I seriously could not have made that list one week ago.

I still need to think about how to get better at knowing what isn't working for me when it's bugging me, rather than 5-6 months later.