[NF] Do you regret opening up to people?

[mochajava]

Where did you get these descriptions? They seem to ring true, but they are saddening to read. It feels like we're all broken products of our environment. I like your point about:

I was drawn into this thread because of the comedy of extraverts unable to understand why anyone would need validation, and introverts insisting on their personal need for outside validation. Those positions are kind of contrary to the essence of introversion and extraversion.

I like your point about there being a balance between engaging with the external world and keeping track of our internals. Both are so crucial, lean as we may to one side or other just by inclination or as life stages change.

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

I'm really open I posted my full name...

 

[Arclight]

I have a lot going on internally.. I guess it's just the time of year.

I am noticing that.. it's when I focus on giving love to others, and encouraging them to open up, that I learn to love myself and open up to others.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

When I first opened myself up to people I did so fully. So much so that I lost my own choices in hopes that this would allow me to make friends. The only thing that has happened from this, for the most part, is my inability to say 'no'. I want to do everything with everyone, but this is ultimately unrealistic. I don't mean to sound pompous, but if I weren't so 'popular' or known I think I'd be a little happier, however I deal with extremes quite often meaning that if I deny people I deny them fully. I don't regret it as I'm made a great deal of relationships that I know I can trust. I just get tired of trying to be everywhere. I feel like it's a pressure for me to spend time with people and show to them and to others that they are special compared to the others. I don't like doing this. If I spend time with someone I do so equally with everyone else. It's an equality that I find comfortable. I just don't feel like others understand this concept.

Most people I know are more 'You have to like one more than the other." where I ask the question, or make the statement "Why can't I enjoy them equally'. That's why I like the thought of Communism (whether it works or not is of no significance). I like equality.

 

[Phantonym]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Yes. Obviously it becomes less intense as the time goes by but sometimes, when there's a response that I consider negative or I'm faced with my own inadequacy to convey my thoughts and feelings in a way I would like to because the way I'm doing it just creates more misunderstanding, then yes, I do have regrets about opening up. The feeling of being misunderstood, by somebody not even trying to understand is a hard pill to swallow but I guess one shouldn't have expectations in the first place.

 

[Serenes]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Even my close friends when I show them my true feelings. My unfiltered thoughts, I feel really stupid afterwards. The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

Do you feel like this sometimes? What do you think it comes from?

Sometimes I have regretted sharing personal thoughts of mine.. It's like, at the right moment and time, I can feel excited and open up a lot to a friend because they can come across as very understanding. But then suddenly those positive feelings will start to subside when my excitement dies down and I'll start thinking about what I just shared more seriously to myself.

I think it could be that I can get swept up in the 'moment', as in at the time the atmosphere between us was just good enough to be open (sensing their genuine openness, accepting, easy-going, peaceful, no one around etc.) so I get this urge to just share and connect with them on a more deeper level because it's a good chance to.

But when I'm away from that 'moment' and more calm.. I'll start to introspect a lot about what was just talked about and start to worry if I sounded stupid or what they think of me. I guess it could be because of my own paranoia and self-esteem issues. I think the main reason why I'd regret telling them is because I don't want people I like to think badly of me and possibly not like me anymore. (If I didn't like them, then I wouldn't care as much). Them having 'dirt' on me doesn't bother me too much though... since I share those kinds of things knowing full well the possible consequences before I share it. The reasons for sharing in the first place is because I usually trust them enough and believe that they cherish the friendship. If they cherished the friendship, they wouldn't use the 'dirt' they have to backstab me or w/e, because they'll probably lose my friendship right away.

Agreed. I pride myself on helping people, connecting with people, and understanding people.

I've noticed recently, however, that I do not enjoy people connecting with ME or understanding ME. It's almost like I dont want people to know I'm having a problem with something.

I recently sort of found this out about myself as well.. how I act with my friends. I like figuring out and understanding other people and to help them feel connected and accepted.. but if someone were to try and do that with me, I think I'd feel really uncomfortable. I think it still ties in with how I don't want people I like to think badly of me or reject me, so I don't want them to see my weaknesses and my insecurities. I rather share on my own terms when I am ready... instead of feeling like someone is trying to pry on my privacy... which is kinda funny and hypocritical of me I guess lol. Well, it's because I know I am not too judging so I can do that for people.. but I don't trust others enough to do the same for me probably. If someone I liked started to judge me negatively because of what I shared.. I think I'd be very hurt and withdraw.

 

[sleepy]

It always comes with 3 presents. Acceptance, rejection and indifference. One just have to look at the big picture. And it's fine. And choose ones audience.

 

[highlander]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Only when the confidence is betrayed.

 

[mmhmm]

not really. always aware of the consequences.

 

[Totenkindly]

Since I tend to share personal information as impersonal information and do it on instinct, sometimes the next day after reconsideration I wonder if I made a big mistake. Once you say things to someone, unless you give them a lobotomy, it's pretty much out there... and you no longer have control over who finds out.

 

[Qlip]

Recently I exposed my deepest thoughts, putting me in a vulnerable position. My motivation was mixed, in partially the act was manipulative, and partially it was expressive. I only regret the manipulative aspect in that it I wish I could've found a better way to do it. I don't regret anything else even though the results were near as bad as I could've imagined. Basically, it resulted in a lot of things that were personal to me being broadcasted to a lot of people with a lot of negative effects.

In the end, I couldn't dispute the rumors, and in a way it was a mirror held up to my face on the equivalent of a very unflattering morning. I laid low for a bit, I used that experience to fix those things I didn't like seeing. People that respected before came back, people who didn't, didn't. And incidentals complimented me on my changes. All within 6 months a 'crawl in a hole and die' experience left me in a better place than if it hadn't happened.

Regret, with a big 'R', is really too passive an activity.

 

[Lark]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Even my close friends when I show them my true feelings. My unfiltered thoughts, I feel really stupid afterwards. The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

Do you feel like this sometimes? What do you think it comes from?

I actually think that in this day and age people should be much more reticient and not feel compelled to share their inner most self all the time. I also think there's something maturational about this, people should as they grow up develop a proper sense of self and individuality that they will require less and less others to share their innermost selves and dialogue with, they can manage it themselves.

 

[Synarch]

I admire when people are comfortable being open. I admire it in myself when I can jump free of the fears of judgment and just be myself. I have a hard time opening up, really opening up. The hard things to admit can grant you strength and relationship with others. I have noticed that if I open up, acknowledge fears and such, it can give permission to others to share themselves as well or to see my vulnerability and have it awaken empathy and understanding in their own breast. At the end of the day, perhaps it is self-serving, but part of my journey through relating is to trust exposing my vulnerabilities to others. Almost universally, these expressions of the truth of my own feelings have been met with extreme kindness and humanity. It has tended to improve my feeling of respect for others.

 

[Salomé]

People are kind because they like to see other's vulnerabilities exposed - it makes them feel superior, which makes them feel good about themselves.
I've always resented the way that emotional incontinence is rewarded with sympathy, whereas emotional resilience is condemned as "inhuman".

 

[gromit]

People are kind because they like to see other's vulnerabilities exposed - it makes them feel superior, which makes them feel good about themselves.

I like it because it makes me feel like I can relate to people when I see that they struggle with things too, that I'm not the only one who has a hard time, it makes me feel similar to others, but not superior. It's nice when people see my vulnerabilities and don't judge me but accept me anyway.

I don't think emotional resilience is inhuman though. I think it's a good thing as well.

 

[Qlip]

I don't think emotional resilience is inhuman though. I think it's a good thing as well.

And to me, emotional resilience does not mean closed off. It just means you can bounce back. Being open and resilient are not exclusive, I think they tend to go together.

 

[Salomé]

I like it because it makes me feel like I can relate to people when I see that they struggle with things too, that I'm not the only one who has a hard time, it makes me feel similar to others, but not superior. It's nice when people see my vulnerabilities and don't judge me but accept me anyway.

Don't you think it's terribly egocentric that we have to be able to "relate" to people in order to like them? And specifically, relate to the things that make them weak - their vulnerabilities.

It's no coincidence that "like" and "alike" are so alike...

 

[Synarch]

People are kind because they like to see other's vulnerabilities exposed - it makes them feel superior, which makes them feel good about themselves.
I've always resented the way that emotional incontinence is rewarded with sympathy, whereas emotional resilience is condemned as "inhuman".

I'm not going to argue that people are always kind for good reasons, but I have witnessed people who appeared kind with no other motive. It is humbling to meet such a rare person. I do like your phrase "emotional incontinence". It is quite evocative! I do think we are biased against people who do not "share", unfortunately. But, all too often, the rare sharing is met without respect and attentiveness so we can mistakenly train people to keep things to themselves by way of operating superficially. I am a horrible listener (working on it), but sometimes just simply listening and acknowledging can affect more relating than what passes for "kindness".

 

[gromit]

Don't you think it's terribly egocentric that we have to be able to "relate" to people in order to like them? And specifically, relate to the things that make them weak - their vulnerabilities.

It's no coincidence that "like" and "alike" are so alike...

I didn't say in order to like them. I said to RELATE to them. I typically already like and probably even admire the person, anyway.

 

[Synarch]

Don't you think it's terribly egocentric that we have to be able to "relate" to people in order to like them? And specifically, relate to the things that make them weak - their vulnerabilities.

Yes, definitely.