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[ENFJ] INFP (male) & ENFJ (female) - Advice?

Adasta

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Hello everyone,

This is my first post - messageboard etiquette dictates that I tell you immediately lest you all begin to cluck your tongues at my lack of "board knowledge"! Apologies for any faux pas.

Anyway, I've got some questions for you all. As the title of this thread suggests, I am an INFP. My girlfriend is an ENFJ. Although we get on really well, there are inevitable problems from time-to-time. Could any ENFJ ladies - or other suitably knowledgeable folk - give me some advice? I'm trying to figure out how best not to antagonise one another! I don't want to give a false impression to you - these are not "critical" issues. Nevertheless, some advice would be welcome. So, to begin...


  • I am forgetful. She can tell me something three or four times and I won't remember. This is because, to me, it's unimportant. For example, she'll often tell me that she's going out with her friends on a certain day of the week; I inevitably forget and call her to see where she is on that day. She gets annoyed, somewhat justifaiably, since she is telling me the same thing over and over and yet I still forget. However, she can't understand that I don't mind if she goes out; if I ring her all she has to say is "I'm out this evening". I won't mind. I have other things to do!

    How do I best negotiate this? I honestly cannot make myself remember what she tells me because it's so inconsequential that it doesn't even register to me.

  • I am messy, but in an "unconvential" way. In fact, I am very neat in general and like things to be "in their place". However, when I look for something, my method could be described as being "frantic". I tend to search for something, find it (in a drawer, for example) and then leave the draw open with everything strewn about and go off to use the thing I was so fervently searching for. This drives her crazy.

  • She worries about everything. Her worries, however, seem trivial to me because they are so...banal? She doesn't believe I worry at all; in fact, she laments the fact that I seem so "laid-back". She's wrong, of course! My worries are almost always wide-ranging. For example, she'll be worrying about how much we should spend in the first week in the month just in case it impacts on our ability to pay the rent in the fourth week of the month! Or she'll worry about how actions now might affect her life in 5 years time (career, for example). On the other hand, I'm busy worrying about existential matters...What is truth, what is justice, what do I actually want from life, why is it structured in this way, why is everything back-to-front! I don't know how to reconcile this.

  • She always has to have the last word and always contorts the situation to misrepresent me! This is frustrating. Even if I have a legitimate point against her she'll whine and complain and make out like I'm being horribly unjust. Honestly, it's how I'd imagine a corrupt ruler would behave at his/her own impeachment!

That's about it right now...I'm sure other things will crop up.
 

JivinJeffJones

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Most of these problems seem to me to be "par for the course" in a relationship between an INFP and an ENFJ. Other than the last one I don't think anything "unhealthy" is going on there, and even with that one I'm guessing it's just a result of you both being quite young. Sounds to me like a lot of areas where you should "meet each other half-way". Communication is "key". I think a good "first step" would be to stop treating her concerns etc as banal or unimportant. Existential matters will still be there (probably unresolved) "long after you're dust", but rent's gotta get paid. If you clearly "explain your position" in a non-antagonistic way yet still "make an effort" to address her concerns I think that should be enough for her. Has she seen the INFP profile yet? That might help her a bit in "understanding where you're coming from". You might want to check out the ENFJ one too if you haven't already.
 

Arclight

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Hello everyone,

This is my first post - messageboard etiquette dictates that I tell you immediately lest you all begin to cluck your tongues at my lack of "board knowledge"! Apologies for any faux pas.

Anyway, I've got some questions for you all. As the title of this thread suggests, I am an INFP. My girlfriend is an ENFJ. Although we get on really well, there are inevitable problems from time-to-time. Could any ENFJ ladies - or other suitably knowledgeable folk - give me some advice? I'm trying to figure out how best not to antagonise one another! I don't want to give a false impression to you - these are not "critical" issues. Nevertheless, some advice would be welcome. So, to begin...


  • I am forgetful. She can tell me something three or four times and I won't remember. This is because, to me, it's unimportant. For example, she'll often tell me that she's going out with her friends on a certain day of the week; I inevitably forget and call her to see where she is on that day. She gets annoyed, somewhat justifaiably, since she is telling me the same thing over and over and yet I still forget. However, she can't understand that I don't mind if she goes out; if I ring her all she has to say is "I'm out this evening". I won't mind. I have other things to do!

    How do I best negotiate this? I honestly cannot make myself remember what she tells me because it's so inconsequential that it doesn't even register to me.

  • I am messy, but in an "unconvential" way. In fact, I am very neat in general and like things to be "in their place". However, when I look for something, my method could be described as being "frantic". I tend to search for something, find it (in a drawer, for example) and then leave the draw open with everything strewn about and go off to use the thing I was so fervently searching for. This drives her crazy.

  • She worries about everything. Her worries, however, seem trivial to me because they are so...banal? She doesn't believe I worry at all; in fact, she laments the fact that I seem so "laid-back". She's wrong, of course! My worries are almost always wide-ranging. For example, she'll be worrying about how much we should spend in the first week in the month just in case it impacts on our ability to pay the rent in the fourth week of the month! Or she'll worry about how actions now might affect her life in 5 years time (career, for example). On the other hand, I'm busy worrying about existential matters...What is truth, what is justice, what do I actually want from life, why is it structured in this way, why is everything back-to-front! I don't know how to reconcile this.

  • She always has to have the last word and always contorts the situation to misrepresent me! This is frustrating. Even if I have a legitimate point against her she'll whine and complain and make out like I'm being horribly unjust. Honestly, it's how I'd imagine a corrupt ruler would behave at his/her own impeachment!

That's about it right now...I'm sure other things will crop up.

LOL.. I love this post..

#1.. Get a notebook or something and write this stuff down. If your memory is weak, simply supplement it.
It really is that easy :)

#2.. Yes this drives her crazy.. So clean up after yourself. Put things back and close the drawer. You obviously display and aptitude for opening things and and displacing the contents of what is there within. Simply reverse this effort once you have found what you are looking for.

#3.. Welcome to Ni ..lol and she sounds like a Type 6.. Your life will never be boring and your future taken care of. What I find funny is what you say you worry about is what she is also worrying about. She is just more grounded about it. I like to contemplate the meaning of everything too. This does not excuse me from taking care of present matters nor should it excuse you from doing so, she is not your mother.

#4 You are dealing with frustrated Fe and Ni.. This will get worse and worse until you stop devaluing her. example calling her issues "trivial" and "banal"..

You said it.. these are minor issues that can simply be solved with a little shift in perspective.

You say she whines? I wish all my relationship issues were as simple as yours.. Man!! this shit is trivial and banal. Your points hold no real value.

See? Did that feel nice?

Good luck with this. My real advice is if you love her, cut her some slack and work on what you can do to show more respect and it will be reciprocated.. Continue to devalue her feelings and you will eventually be torn to shreds.. The little Dictator will just keep getting bigger and bigger.
 

ExAstrisSpes

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  • I am forgetful. She can tell me something three or four times and I won't remember. This is because, to me, it's unimportant. For example, she'll often tell me that she's going out with her friends on a certain day of the week; I inevitably forget and call her to see where she is on that day. She gets annoyed, somewhat justifaiably, since she is telling me the same thing over and over and yet I still forget. However, she can't understand that I don't mind if she goes out; if I ring her all she has to say is "I'm out this evening". I won't mind. I have other things to do!
How do I best negotiate this? I honestly cannot make myself remember what she tells me because it's so inconsequential that it doesn't even register to me.

Have you read John Gottman's "The Relationship Cure"? It's an excellent book. In one of Gottman's other books, he mentions that the couples who are better-connected have good "memory maps" of the other's routine. She is letting you know where she is because it *is* important to the health of the relationship.

  • I am messy, but in an "unconvential" way. In fact, I am very neat in general and like things to be "in their place". However, when I look for something, my method could be described as being "frantic". I tend to search for something, find it (in a drawer, for example) and then leave the draw open with everything strewn about and go off to use the thing I was so fervently searching for. This drives her crazy.

When I have too much stuff to do (which is often), I let my place go to crap too. If this is just "how you are", it may be something she needs to accept. Although you should probably put everything back in the drawer once you discover your missing item.

  • She worries about everything. Her worries, however, seem trivial to me because they are so...banal? She doesn't believe I worry at all; in fact, she laments the fact that I seem so "laid-back". She's wrong, of course! My worries are almost always wide-ranging. For example, she'll be worrying about how much we should spend in the first week in the month just in case it impacts on our ability to pay the rent in the fourth week of the month! Or she'll worry about how actions now might affect her life in 5 years time (career, for example). On the other hand, I'm busy worrying about existential matters...What is truth, what is justice, what do I actually want from life, why is it structured in this way, why is everything back-to-front! I don't know how to reconcile this.

I worry about EVERYTHING. I've tried to cut back (or just not give a f***), and as a last resort just don't share the fact that I worry so much with my close friends/loved ones, but I do.

Maybe suggest you both take a yoga class together? It's very calming to me and helps me not worry for a few hours.

Also, if you bring up her worrying, she'll worry about that. So try to do things that calm her down without explicitly telling her so. Give her lots of hugs and kisses and tell her how pretty you think she is.

  • She always has to have the last word and always contorts the situation to misrepresent me! This is frustrating. Even if I have a legitimate point against her she'll whine and complain and make out like I'm being horribly unjust. Honestly, it's how I'd imagine a corrupt ruler would behave at his/her own impeachment!
That's about it right now...I'm sure other things will crop up.

This sounds like an immature ENFJ to me. I used to do stuff like that. It's interesting since the stereotype is that ENFJs hate conflict. (I certainly do) So what kind of other, deeper problems are you having?
 
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Adasta

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Thanks for everyone's responses.

I realise my original post sounded rather "cutting", but I should stress that it's not as bad as it may sound! In fact, our relationship is really good. I blame the latent-aggression (that is perhaps perceptible...) on being English, haha.

Her worrying is interesting because it is oddly constructed. To me, it seems that she feels like caring and worrying are the same thing. However, the subjects do not seem to be part of any hierarchy; instead, they are all worthy of the same amount of worry. Career, life, friends, the future, relationships, what people think of her (or me, or us, or the house...), the quality of her work etc. all seem to be subjects worthy of attention; it's just a case of which one is de rigeur. I often tell her not to worry so much, and she acknowledges that she does worry, but is there anything I can do (in an active sense) to stop her worrying? Or is that the same as asking me to stop "questing for truth"? Would the worrying be somewhat counteracted if I simply reminded her that I am there as well?

Also, the argumentative oneupmanship is almost certainly due to her relationships with her siblings. It doesn't bother me too much because I just make a joke of the fact that she can't let a subject die!

In general, it's not as doom and gloom as you think!
 

ExAstrisSpes

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is there anything I can do (in an active sense) to stop her worrying?

No. She'll just be more stressed out about it because now she has to hide her worrying from you.

And read suggestions I posted above.
 

Adasta

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What was that for? Either offer your advice and be done with it or be polite in your responses. I've taken everything at face value and I'm genuinely asking you questions because I thought you might be able to help.

Don't flame the noob.
 

proteanmix

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I don't know what kind of ENFJ you're dealing with here. You would know best if she's the kind who just wants you to listen, support, and acknowledge and she feels satisfied.

For me, what would help with the worrying is an action plan. I have plenty of people around me to listen and support, I don't need anymore listeners and supporters. When I have said something for the 12th time it means it's a problem I'm not able to solve and I'm not finding suitable answers and solutions. It means, HELP ME SOLVE MY PROBLEM. It means that you say some approximation of these words, "Honey/baby/boo/snookums/name whatever, I see that you're mind is churning over [blank]. I've given this some thought already and I think XYZ would be helpful. What do you think?"

What you need to do is show me that you have noticed my emotional state of being (which you have) and are reacting to it in a proactive way that moves towards a solution. When you give me solutions you:

a.) kickstart my thinking towards finding my own solutions and maybe kick my ass out of a mental rut and
b.) show me that I'm worth the expending of your mental energy (not, "she's worrying again...guess I'll go watch the game") and invested in our relationship enough that you are taking some of my problems on as your own and are actively seeking a SOLUTION.

That's not always a good thing, but it makes me feel like we're synched, in tune with each other, and that you're helping shoulder a burden that is becoming to heavy for me to carry. Telling me to stop worrying about it is useless. It's like saying, don't think about cupcakes and all you can do is think about cupcakes. It's like having a song in your head that you can't get out, unless you put another song in. What you need to do is put another song in her head and this song will be a solution. You are quite accurate in your observation that all worries receive equal attention because the ability to prioritize concerns and weight which one is more important is probably not there or developing.

Money is a perfect example. While you don't see it as a big deal, just acknowledging it is just step one. If she's worried about the money (which I think is a big effing deal too!) you need to say "Hey, we can do this. I googled some budget templates and have been reading some personal finance blogs. Let's see what works." You may need to do this more than once. Follow-up with her and see if she feels better about the money situation after a couple of weeks. Notice if she stops talking about it and if she has, then you are the wonderful, wonderful man who's going to get lots of cupcakes and milkshakes and other goodies because he plucked off the straw that was about to break the camel's back. She's probably going to have another straw in a few weeks but that's another post and more suggestive of inferior Ti than anything else.

Now aside from that, the tone in your OP does sound dismissive to me. What feedback I've gotten from my family and friends that aligns with what you're saying about is that you're not having to guess with what she wants. Maybe it's me, but is it not a good thing that you can tell your GF is upset about something and you're not totally clueless as to what is is? That fact that you are aware of at least three of her gripes (is it that frickin hard to put a shirt back in the drawer?) means you can correct them. Frankly Adasta the forgetfulness and messiness are two issues you can tackle and make progress on. The worrying is something that she'll need to work on with a strong assist from you and even then, it's still murky. The last word issue I'd need more info about because there are three sides to every story.

If she tells you she's going out or she's doing something and you can't even be bothered to remember? To me that indicates you're not listening to me when I talk to you and you don't really care what I do or where I go. My red flags would be in overdrive right now.

RE the planning: All I do is think about my future. For some ass-backward reason, I believe I have more control over what happens five years from now than later on in the current week. Thinking about my future is something I enjoy doing, it gives me pleasure, it feels good, I like to think about what I could be doing, where I'll be, if my plans will come through or fall through. This is why the current week doesn't matter because things have come to fruition at that point and it's less interesting. The future is quite safe because it hasn't happened yet. Therefore anything could happen or better yet, what I want can happen.

When she's going on and on about this, she's doing something that's pleasurable to her. She's forecasting and projecting. Believe it or not, if she's getting detailed about it, it means you probably have a lot of influence over this process. She's also could be just thinking and talking out loud and there's not much you have to do but let her do it. If you're confused about what she wants when she does this you can say "Do you want me to respond or are you just talking?" It's always helpful to have given this some pre-thought and throw out a few of your own plans for your future.

Generally, you sound like you have a grasp on the situation and you're not a completely clueless puffalump :)hug:) so I think these are manageable issues. Some couples go the duration of their relationship arguing about niggling little habits that ruin something that would otherwise be quite happy. Either somebody is going to get used to living in a garbage heap or someone going to put their clothes back in the closet and drawers (I think you can tell which side of the fence I fall). If you can deal with a pretty small issue like clothes and remembering things then that gives you the energy to deal with the bigger ones like the worrying and last word.

ETA
She worries about everything. Her worries, however, seem trivial to me because they are so...banal? She doesn't believe I worry at all; in fact, she laments the fact that I seem so "laid-back". She's wrong, of course! My worries are almost always wide-ranging. For example, she'll be worrying about how much we should spend in the first week in the month just in case it impacts on our ability to pay the rent in the fourth week of the month! Or she'll worry about how actions now might affect her life in 5 years time (career, for example). On the other hand, I'm busy worrying about existential matters...What is truth, what is justice, what do I actually want from life, why is it structured in this way, why is everything back-to-front! I don't know how to reconcile this.

I want say one more thing about this quote in particular. I'm not quite sure what to make of this....when people say they worry about existential things it comes off as pretentious to me and I just do an internal eye roll.

Over this summer, I started volunteering with a local community group that has partnerships with several schools in my county. We recently got a grant for a youth and school violence prevention program and we honed it down even further to address teenage dating violence. We figured out how we were going to customize the smaller programs to address the needs of school by reading the state report card for each school. I feel like a 14 YO boy in game store. I can't say I spend anything more than a passing amount of time thinking about why bad things happen to good people, what is truth/justice, if there is a God, or how to itemize my 1040. I will spend the next days and weeks trying to figure how to make this program work.

When you said what you worry about I thought to myself, why bother concerning yourself with that? For example, to me it doesn't follow to worry about if there is justice while blithely doing nothing to put a moratorium on capital punishment in my state (I know you're English and this doesn't apply). That's the irreconcilable part to me...to think about some abstract concept but when the manifestation of that concept bops you on the head you just keep scratching your chin and let it pass by you. That may be your opportunity to see if justice exists and get an answer to your question, unless the point is not ever have an answer and chase your own mind tails.

The point of all this is to say why is what she thinks about so trivial and banal yet what you think about so esoteric and profound? That's why I thought your OP was dismissive...it sounds like you're tuning her out a lot and missing some critical information as to why she is the way she is.
 

OrangeAppled

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I agree to stop devaluing her feelings and perspective & incorporate a little organization into your life to appease her. Then, she should stop devaluing YOUR feelings & perspective (which, from your post, seems is happening also), and not be so uptight about drawers being left open (dear god, no! :gasp: :rolli:). If she doesn't, then it's time to talk. Actually, you should talk anyway, particularly regarding the money, so you can find mutually agreed upon solutions. But yeah, compromise will be needed, and you may need to be the one to initiate it. However, don't be so accommodating that you allow your own needs to be trampled; this is really important for an INFP to remember.

proteanmix said:
I'm not quite sure what to make of this....when people say they worry about existential things it comes off as pretentious to me and I just do an internal eye roll.

That's the irreconcilable part to me...to think about some abstract concept but when the manifestation of that concept bops you on the head you just keep scratching your chin and let it pass by you.

This is because you don't understand the Fi mindset, and so you invalidate it. Funny, how Jung's description of Fi-doms mentions how Fe people & extroverts tend do that....

:internal eye roll:
 

Adasta

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When you said what you worry about I thought to myself, why bother concerning yourself with that?...That's the irreconcilable part to me...to think about some abstract concept but when the manifestation of that concept bops you on the head you just keep scratching your chin and let it pass by you. That may be your opportunity to see if justice exists and get an answer to your question, unless the point is not ever have an answer and chase your own mind tails.

The point of all this is to say why is what she thinks about so trivial and banal yet what you think about so esoteric and profound? That's why I thought your OP was dismissive...it sounds like you're tuning her out a lot and missing some critical information as to why she is the way she is.

This is a very useful perspective to hear. I can see why ENFJs think that way; the thinking is pragmatic and useful to people in a way which yields tangible, visible results. I reckon that your thinking is exactly the same as hers, in fact.

However, to me, existential problems represent the "true" problems. This may seem pretentious, and maybe it is to an extent, but it seems inevitable to me that that be the case. Other problems seem trivial to me only because they also appear bound up with the machinations of a life/society which so frequently neglects the construction/implementation of ideologies which would benefit us all. Therefore, figuring out the meaning of abstract concepts feels very significant to me because if, for example, I don't care about how or why I am making money, the money I earn seems worthless, not in an extant sense but in a moralistic or ideological sense. I think this is what makes INFPs seem aloof and snobby. I'd rather be a starving artist holding on to my (perhaps fanciful) notions of truth/beauty etc. than get a job that pays more regularly. My girlfriend cannot understand this and I can't explain it to her because, while she is idealistic, she doesn't see any of this as a problem - she just wants me to "get on with it". The problem is that I am getting on with it, but in a very internal way.



OrangeAppled said:
he should stop devaluing YOUR feelings & perspective (which, from your post, seems is happening also), and not be so uptight about drawers being left open


I was hopeful that this also came across in my post and I'm glad you noticed it! I think there is a tendancy for people to look on me as being unnessecarily antagonistic but, as you say, I feel a bit persecuted for things which don't seem important to me (but which are important to her, it seems).

OrangeAppled said:
This is because [ENFJs] don't understand the Fi mindset, and so...invalidate it. Funny, how Jung's description of Fi-doms mentions how Fe people & extroverts tend do that....

:internal eye roll:

I must admit I did laugh at this! ;)

Invalidate is such an excellent word to use in this context. When such "invalidation" occurs, I tend to get very quiet (because I'm a bit hurt by it). If she has done something like that, I just stop talking and tell her I need to be alone for a bit. This is unbearable for her. She will immediately try to make reparations but I can't ger over things that quickly. I won't hold it against her, but it might take me an hour or two of folding clothes or cleaning (which is what I do when I want to reflect but still be "useful") before I can talk to her properly again.
 

Rebe

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A Fe and a Fi Dom ... o...my...god. I agree with the advice given. If you love her, understand Fe, tolerate Fe, help Fe. And if she loves you, she needs to understand your Fi, tolerate it, and help it.

Good luck.
 

Lily flower

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Honestly, if one of you doesn't worry about having enough money for the rent, then you won't have a place to live. So go ahead and contemplate the laws of the universe, but you can thank her for her worrying if you have a roof over your head every month.

Have you ever heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Your concerns about life and meaning will come crashing down quickly if you don't have food to eat or a home to live in.
 

Adasta

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Honestly, if one of you doesn't worry about having enough money for the rent, then you won't have a place to live. So go ahead and contemplate the laws of the universe, but you can thank her for her worrying if you have a roof over your head every month.

Have you ever heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Your concerns about life and meaning will come crashing down quickly if you don't have food to eat or a home to live in.

A bit hostile methinks.

It's all well and good accepting that rent has to be paid - indeed, I work so that I pay the rent - but the tangibility or relative immediacy of this requirement doesn't necessarily invalidate "metaphysical" considerations.

I think the problems revoles around the misconstrual, or misuse, of the term "worry". I'm aware that I need the money to pay the rent and I ensure I have enough to make that possible; however, it is not at the top of my list of concerns. You're right to say that if I were starving I wouldn't dwell on subjects which are bit outre but that's true of any other person of any other type; food constitutes a "basic need", if we are referring to Maslow. The rent, however, would only be worrisome if the deadline were approaching and I was certain that I would have difficulty paying; I would not, for example, worry about having enough rent for a deadline 6 months away.

However, I'm still not really sure what you're getting at. I'm very happy that my girlfriend enjoys planning in this regard. In fact, it's very helpful for the both of us. The problem only arises when she fails to accept that I don't "perform my concerns" in the same way she does. It appears that she considers me "wrong" for not actively (i.e. in a physical, perceptible sense) displaying my concerns. This is possibly a result of the Fe/Fi conflict that Rebe mentioned.

Also, just as a point, I'd like to say that I'm a bit concerned about the pointedness of some people's remarks, here and elsewhere. I don't come here to dismiss anyone else or to "state the INFP's case": I come to ask questions and get advice so as to gain further insight. I'd appreciate it if people could be polite and non-accusatory. If you can't do that then don't reply. That being said, some people's posts have been eye-opening and I'd like to thank them for that.
 

Arclight

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A bit hostile methinks.

It's all well and good accepting that rent has to be paid - indeed, I work so that I pay the rent - but the tangibility or relative immediacy of this requirement doesn't necessarily invalidate "metaphysical" considerations.

I think the problems revoles around the misconstrual, or misuse, of the term "worry". I'm aware that I need the money to pay the rent and I ensure I have enough to make that possible; however, it is not at the top of my list of concerns. You're right to say that if I were starving I wouldn't dwell on subjects which are bit outre but that's true of any other person of any other type; food constitutes a "basic need", if we are referring to Maslow. The rent, however, would only be worrisome if the deadline were approaching and I was certain that I would have difficulty paying; I would not, for example, worry about having enough rent for a deadline 6 months away.

However, I'm still not really sure what you're getting at. I'm very happy that my girlfriend enjoys planning in this regard. In fact, it's very helpful for the both of us. The problem only arises when she fails to accept that I don't "perform my concerns" in the same way she does. It appears that she considers me "wrong" for not actively (i.e. in a physical, perceptible sense) displaying my concerns. This is possibly a result of the Fe/Fi conflict that Rebe mentioned.

Also, just as a point, I'd like to say that I'm a bit concerned about the pointedness of some people's remarks, here and elsewhere. I don't come here to dismiss anyone else or to "state the INFP's case": I come to ask questions and get advice so as to gain further insight. I'd appreciate it if people could be polite and non-accusatory. If you can't do that then don't reply. That being said, some people's posts have been eye-opening and I'd like to thank them for that.

I'd like to try to paraphrase for Ms Lily Flower then , if you don't mind.

You have responsibilities in life. Whether you want to prioritize them or not is irrelevant.
If you take on a responsibility you own it. Imagine if your boss said "yeah I know I owe you a salary every 2 weeks, But you know what? It's just not that high on my priority list to make sure you get paid on time so I spent the payroll on buying my new yacht so you might have to wait"
Being in a relationship isn't just companionship, You guys are sharing the responsibilities of life.
If one partner feels they are carrying the burden of responsibility more than the other and they do not wish to have that role all to themselves, in most cases feelings of resentment are likely to be born. Once resentment is allowed to grow , the relationship is doomed.

Being in a relationship is also a responsibility, especially if you cohabit.
Your responsibilities should take priority over your ideals.
If they don't , then sadly you need to grow up.

Your partner is not "worrying" so much as she is making a plea to you.
Can you hear her??
Do you think your sense of entitlement should come first?
 

OrangeAppled

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^ I think you guys are misunderstanding him. What I get from what he said, is NOT that he does not take responsibility for practical matters like paying the rent on time. He works & makes sure he has money to take care of basic needs when they need to be taken care of. What he's saying is, there is no need to worry unnecessarily about something like rent if you have already taken measures to ensure you will have it when the time comes. His gf may have valid concerns, but she may also be worrying about stuff that does not call for that level of stress. People who want to plan really far ahead can be suffocating, as they invent possible obstacles that may not ever exist. Why put yourself through anxiety over something that is imagined? I think Ni people can be paranoid about the future sometimes.... I've done that to myself, admittedly (Ne comes up with all kinds of worst-case scenarios); it's better to reasonably prepare, but also take things as they come. That is being responsible, and it's more practical, because no one can really say what will come down the road, exactly.

Also, an INFP is not likely to show a lot of concern, even if it is there. She may have to take his word for it that it is important to him, instead of seeking an emotinal reaction like her own. Why spend more time dwelling on a practical concern more than necessary anyway? Life becomes a mundane drudgery then.

I think it's great he is looking to adjust to accommodate her, but INFPs are often in danger of over-accommodating & finding their own needs & view invalidated (which is what people are doing here). Resentment can grow on his end then.
 

Arclight

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^ I think you guys are misunderstanding him. What I get from what he said, is NOT that he does not take responsibility for practical matters like paying the rent on time. He works & makes sure he has money to take care of basic needs when they need to be taken care of. What he's saying is, there is no need to worry unnecessarily about something like rent if you have already taken measures to ensure you will have it when the time comes. His gf may have valid concerns, but she may also be worrying about stuff that does not call for that level of stress. People who want to plan really far ahead can be suffocating, as they invent possible obstacles that may not ever exist. Why put yourself through anxiety over something that is imagined? I think Ni people can be paranoid about the future sometimes.... I've done that to myself, admittedly (Ne comes up with all kinds of worst-case scenarios); it's better to reasonably prepare, but also take things as they come. That is being responsible, and it's more practical, because no one can really say what will come down the road, exactly.

Also, an INFP is not likely to show a lot of concern, even if it is there. She may have to take his word for it that it is important to him, instead of seeking an emotinal reaction like her own. Why spend more time dwelling on a practical concern more than necessary anyway? Life becomes a mundane drudgery then.

I think it's great he is looking to adjust to accommodate her, but INFPs are often in danger of over-accommodating & finding their own needs & view invalidated (which is what people are doing here). Resentment can grow on his end then.

I am not invalidating his needs at all. I am only presenting a different angle because this is what he asking for.
I am being polite and asking questions not making statements. I do this because I am aware he is starting to feel a little under attack, and I do not wish to add to that.
At the same time I think I am very aware of the dynamics of his relationship because it sounds like the one I have in my own head with P and J going at it non stop. Since he is presenting a More P stance to things, I am simply offering J.

I Think any relationship is give and take. If she were to come on here and present her side of things, I might give completely different responses to her regarding the same issues and it might seem like I am not considering her side of things as I try to explain his side of things.

I think it's great he is looking to adjust to accommodate her, but INFPs are often in danger of over-accommodating & finding their own needs & view invalidated

This is also a great concern for XNFJs.
 

Adasta

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Also, an INFP is not likely to show a lot of concern, even if it is there. She may have to take his word for it that it is important to him, instead of seeking an emotinal reaction like her own. Why spend more time dwelling on a practical concern more than necessary anyway? Life becomes a mundane drudgery then.

This is extremely accurate.

It has got to the point now where I have said that I do not respond to worry in the same way. There is s strong belief that, if I am not showing my concern (by actively saying 'I'm worried' or by pacing up and down) it means I am not concerned. This is not the case. I just don't want everyone to know I'm worried because then everyone's behaviour changes because they think they're being sensitive to my needs. It'd be much better for things to carry on as normal and for me to deal with things in my own time. If I need to talk, I'll talk; most of the time, though, I don't feel like it.
 

the state i am in

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j types aren't going to be as centered in their own sense of personal relevancy. they're going to be more attuned to what the social reality says, what the details of the social reality make relevant, what organizing frames are important in a situation, etc. so we are gonna worry about those more so, in general. but it also has a lot to do with enneagram type and subtype.

the banal that you point out, i mean, to me, it makes perfect sense. i feel like i am consumed by banal worries at times because i lose all sight of my own subjective reasoning center. under stress it becomes harder and harder for me to hear where i am and what is true for me because it gets drowned out by what is true for the social reality/world/cultural frames around me.

recognizing that your insular kind of subjective center that you protect so dearly can be extremely grounding for us is great but it also has its costs is important to make both parties feel valued. because, just like you, being misunderstood sucks, and that's how it will feel. working to recover the threads that prompted the banality is an important endeavor for us because it's often a kind of blind spot, a charge we pick up and don't know what to do with but hide it. and when our intentions get lost in the shuffle, we can feel trapped and misrepresented. sometimes we need a little help deactivating some of these other frames and figuring out where we really are and what's really important to us. just like dom Ji types often need a bit of maneuvering and unlocking in order to open up to the world a bit and really engage with a wider range of possibilities than their judgment function has previously deemed valid.

also, one of my best friend's growing up was an infp 9w1 so/sp. he's dating an infj so/sx /enfj so/sx (hard to tell) who does much the same of what you're doing. the conscientiousness of both parties definitely has a way different type of accountability, but it seems like a really promising relationship from what i've gathered.
 
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