[INFP] INFPs and Low Self Esteem

[OrangeAppled]

Yeah, I'm getting a Fi-Si loop vibe from this. She focuses so much on her past mistakes it inhibits her from trying. Si is bullying Ne...

I'm also wondering if these "feelings" are a lack of motivation due to some kind of boredom - the task is not seen as valuable enough. It's REALLY hard to do something as an INFP when you don't care. It's only important because people tell you it is, but you struggle to see it - this is very true when in a Fi-Si loop, as perspective is lost.

Nolla touched on the elitist attitude an INFP may have towards some work, but it's NOT going to be obvious to someone else, and they're probably not going to admit it in those terms. They may not even realize it yet themselves. In retrospect, I see how arrogant some of my teenage laziness was....I was testing boundaries in concepts of what is important; what could I get away with? A very NP thing to do .

 

[William K]

It does sound like a lack of motivation/direction issue.

I'm not familiar with your education system, so how important is completing the homework? Will it affect her future? And is her attitude towards all homework or just of a certain subject?

I remember the times when I thought to myself "Why the heck am I learning about dead people who ruled dead kingdoms hundreds of years ago?" as it doesn't relate to what I want to do in the future. Does she already have some future 'job' picked out in her mind?

 

[OrangeAppled]

I'm not familiar with your education system, so how important is completing the homework? Will it affect her future?

I don't know where Highlander is from..... If he's in the US, then it depends on the teacher and how they grade. I worked with a guy who said he passed all his classes just by acing tests; he never did homework. However, many people want to do more than simply "pass" a class, because, yes, it can affect your future, such as what colleges you qualify for.

 

[nolla]

Nolla touched on the elitist attitude an INFP may have towards some work, but it's NOT going to be obvious to someone else, and they're probably not going to admit it in those terms. They may not even realize it yet themselves.

Yeah, I don't think I would admit being an elitist... It is quite clear to me, though, that especially in some circumstances it becomes obvious that I am very picky of the things I do. It has a lot to do with the environment I am in, the people... The way I come to do things I don't want to is when I hit a dead end. But this is not something that people can tell me. If I have any evidence that I can get away with not doing the boring things, I will avoid them.

 

[highlander]

I don't know where Highlander is from..... If he's in the US, then it depends on the teacher and how they grade. I worked with a guy who said he passed all his classes just by acing tests; he never did homework. However, many people want to do more than simply "pass" a class, because, yes, it can affect your future, such as what colleges you qualify for.

US Midwest. Junior in high school. Grades directly impact what colleges and programs you get into and the caliber of students you're surrounded by. It's pretty important.

 

[CrystalViolet]

Hmmm....As a teenager, I used to beat myself up for not doing EVERYTHING, every little piece of work. It wasn't until I got to Uni, that I figured out no one else does either, they priortise, and focus on the important bits, the bits most likely to help them pass. She could be having an issue like that. This may have also had alot to with the fact that I never had to pick up a book really and study, until my last year of high school too.
We can be kinda scattered brained, and lacking focus, combined with our ability just to soak up information, and we can rely a bit heavily on our natural abilities to pull us through, I mean seriously it's not every one who can leave writing an essay until the night before, and still get a decent mark for it. If it's a subject we love, you find we are much more willing to learn how to be disciplined, but focus isn't a strong point. I truthfully only mastered it in my final year at Uni, and I still have a dreadful decendency to read absolutely every thing on subjects that interest me, rather than working on mastery of the emphasised points.

 

[nolla]

US Midwest. Junior in high school. Grades directly impact what colleges and programs you get into and the caliber of students you're surrounded by. It's pretty important.

Does homework directly impact grades? Is it possible to learn it all without doing homework? The way I was in high school, the only subject I needed to do my homework for was math. Everything else was repetitive and boring as I was one of the only students to keep my ears open in the classroom.

Have her grades actually come down?

prioritise

This is what she needs to do. Focus on the weakest point. I don't know how much my learning has to do with me being an INFP, but usually I did better than the rest, and I would say this is mostly because I learn things by understanding the environment the facts work in. I can't remember any facts if they are not part of a system, but when I have the idea of the system, I can add facts there easily. The problem areas are when I am left behind on some area and I don't have the system built up in my mind. Then it doesn't help to put in facts. So, I would thing that she will do just fine if she doesn't drop behind.

 

[jtanSis1]

not living in a fairy tale (aka reality), nor treated as if they are.

 

[highlander]

Does homework directly impact grades? Is it possible to learn it all without doing homework? The way I was in high school, the only subject I needed to do my homework for was math. Everything else was repetitive and boring as I was one of the only students to keep my ears open in the classroom.

Have her grades actually come down?

Homework is a portion of the grade - like 20 or 30 percent in some classes. She's getting a very poor grade in English because she's not doing the homework. So that's worse. Discipline on getting work done has always been a problem though.

 

[CrystalViolet]

I wouldn't necessarily focus on the weakest point. I'd focus on the work worth the most marks. I'd also focus on my greatest strengths.
It could be boredom, though, I mean I stopped showing up for some classes because I could not see the point in them what so ever, or hated the people in them, or thought the teacher was an arse.
She could also be crashing from the pressure....some thing I did often. I'd be so scared of failing it would create a form of paralysis, and hesitation.
And some times, I felt it was just an exercise in futility...a waste of time, otherwise known as straight out route learning. I knew it, I'd done it for the past 3-4 years, and the teachers knew I knew it. There's a lot of just doing work for the sake of it.

 

[Forever_Jung]

Damn, I have the exact same problem as this girl. I am in my third year of university and I keep saying: This will be the year I get it together. I had a 2.0 these last two years, but luckily my transfer reset that! So this is supposed to be a fresh start, but already I find myself falling back into this pattern.

No motivation. If the assignment is too small it seems pointless, if it's big it's insurmountable, because I can't just half-ass it, it has to be perfect. If Ne isn't inspired by a certain pattern or is working against Fi, he gets the shit beaten out of him by Fi-Si, because Te is such a feeble function for me. I need to develop stronger Te so he can back up Ne in his fight against the formidable Fi-Si double team.

The problem is, when I am running on pure Te, and just kind of grinding through the project, the results are ugly, because the function is so weak. Which kills my motivation even more, because when I do something, I want it flawless, and I just can't do that with Te. So I guess you just have to keep suffering against all of the inertia and eventually it will get better.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Homework is a portion of the grade - like 20 or 30 percent in some classes. She's getting a very poor grade in English because she's not doing the homework. So that's worse. Discipline on getting work done has always been a problem though.

INFPs are play before work types because unless something is deemed important, we have no reason to act. Discipline is not a strength - motivation HAS to come from an inner ideal. Homework is failing to connect to an ideal for her. She needs help seeing why this is important, and it cannot come in forms of grades or what someone else says is "important".

Grades are an external measure - INFPs don't value things in this way. Points, grade letters, & other external systems of determining what is good & bad can often seem so flawed to us we don't bother to meet them. They've lost all meaning.

For instance - we all know there are overachievers who do all of their homework & study hard & get good grades despite not being especially naturally smart. So their grades are a reflection of hard work, not grasping the concepts of the teachings necessarily. I know a lot of people who got As through doing tasks, but they had a poor understanding of what things actually mean. INFPs will see the point of homework being to learn the concepts, but if they already grasp them, then why do the homework? Just for some letter label which fails to accurately determine how well someone actually has learned a subject?

Do you see how this line of thinking can go? She may especially be devaluing homework as a way to excuse herself from it - to avoid the anxiety her perfectionist tendencies cause. Of course, now she is reaping the consequences, but the bad habit is formed. To break it, she needs to adjust her perspective on all of these things, and she probably needs some help getting perspective right now. There's no magic trick - INFP have to alter their mindset before their behavior will be affected & that can take time.

Also, positive reinforcement always works better with us than criticism or punishment; express confidence in our ability to do something, and all of a sudden, we see ourselves in that light & we do it.

 

[Stanton Moore]

Des the following scenario help add color to the situation?
- it's an INFP teenager
- incredibly smart, creative, artistic, excellent writer, gifted; scores 95% or more on standardized tests; great at everything but math's not her favorite
- perfectionist
- has feelings of incompetence so doesn't do homework which doesn't get done which fuels more feelings of incompetence, etc.
- it is a bit like performance anxiety combined with self esteem issues
- is not into something bad like drugs, have friends who are a bad influence or anything like that

Does that explain it better?

Perfectionism combined with creativity is a formula for burn out and shutting down.
My own perfectionism was largely driven by my father's lack of praise, so I tried all the harder, until the futility of that approach set in..then, dispair.
I would urge her to explore the possibility that her perfectionism is counterproductive, and that all great work requires many, many attempts that were not as great, in order to arrive at that high plateau. Learning to accept mistakes is a difficult, but necessary step in raising one's level, whatever the endeavor.

 

[Danbenyo]

Im not insecure im just confussed

 

[Thessaly]

If you consider the order of their cognitive functions, it's almost a given that there will be some downward spiralling.

Fi>Ne>Si>Te

Yes.

 

[Thessaly]

I think INFPs largely don't feel appropriate to life because the things we are best at don't seem to have much marketable value. We need practical help. I think that in and of itself is the cause.

 

[bloop.]

Hey, I'm new here, but I can totally relate to this.

Hmmm....As a teenager, I used to beat myself up for not doing EVERYTHING, every little piece of work. It wasn't until I got to Uni, that I figured out no one else does either, they priortise, and focus on the important bits, the bits most likely to help them pass. She could be having an issue like that. This may have also had alot to with the fact that I never had to pick up a book really and study, until my last year of high school too.
We can be kinda scattered brained, and lacking focus, combined with our ability just to soak up information, and we can rely a bit heavily on our natural abilities to pull us through, I mean seriously it's not every one who can leave writing an essay until the night before, and still get a decent mark for it. If it's a subject we love, you find we are much more willing to learn how to be disciplined, but focus isn't a strong point. I truthfully only mastered it in my final year at Uni, and I still have a dreadful decendency to read absolutely every thing on subjects that interest me, rather than working on mastery of the emphasised points.

Everything that's bolded. It's incredibly stressful, since I feel the need to do everything, plus the tendency to put it off. I can't just make myself do it, I have to FEEL like it. If I don't, it won't be done. Maybe it's just procrastination, but either way, the result is a big giant heap of work that seems too daunting for me, and in turn I feel like a failure for not meeting my own standards. :/
In the past, I got my work done, but I've been faltering. This again starts the cycle of failure.

I still make the marks, somehow. Like you've stated, we have the ability can soak up information easily, but there's a lot of stress for me in between.
I just want to get rid of that anxiety.

INFPs are play before work types because unless something is deemed important, we have no reason to act. Discipline is not a strength - motivation HAS to come from an inner ideal. Homework is failing to connect to an ideal for her. She needs help seeing why this is important, and it cannot come in forms of grades or what someone else says is "important".

Grades are an external measure - INFPs don't value things in this way. Points, grade letters, & other external systems of determining what is good & bad can often seem so flawed to us we don't bother to meet them. They've lost all meaning.

For instance - we all know there are overachievers who do all of their homework & study hard & get good grades despite not being especially naturally smart. So their grades are a reflection of hard work, not grasping the concepts of the teachings necessarily. I know a lot of people who got As through doing tasks, but they had a poor understanding of what things actually mean. INFPs will see the point of homework being to learn the concepts, but if they already grasp them, then why do the homework? Just for some letter label which fails to accurately determine how well someone actually has learned a subject?

Do you see how this line of thinking can go? She may especially be devaluing homework as a way to excuse herself from it - to avoid the anxiety her perfectionist tendencies cause. Of course, now she is reaping the consequences, but the bad habit is formed. To break it, she needs to adjust her perspective on all of these things, and she probably needs some help getting perspective right now. There's no magic trick - INFP have to alter their mindset before their behavior will be affected & that can take time.

Also, positive reinforcement always works better with us than criticism or punishment; express confidence in our ability to do something, and all of a sudden, we see ourselves in that light & we do it.

I'm seeing myself spiraling towards this path. It's even more excruciating because I'm torn between the feeling of not wanting to disappoint my parents, and the fact that it all this work is growing more and more pointless to me. There's no reason for it anymore.

 

[tkae.]

INFPs are play before work types because unless something is deemed important, we have no reason to act. Discipline is not a strength - motivation HAS to come from an inner ideal. Homework is failing to connect to an ideal for her. She needs help seeing why this is important, and it cannot come in forms of grades or what someone else says is "important".

Grades are an external measure - INFPs don't value things in this way. Points, grade letters, & other external systems of determining what is good & bad can often seem so flawed to us we don't bother to meet them. They've lost all meaning.

For instance - we all know there are overachievers who do all of their homework & study hard & get good grades despite not being especially naturally smart. So their grades are a reflection of hard work, not grasping the concepts of the teachings necessarily. I know a lot of people who got As through doing tasks, but they had a poor understanding of what things actually mean. INFPs will see the point of homework being to learn the concepts, but if they already grasp them, then why do the homework? Just for some letter label which fails to accurately determine how well someone actually has learned a subject?

Do you see how this line of thinking can go? She may especially be devaluing homework as a way to excuse herself from it - to avoid the anxiety her perfectionist tendencies cause. Of course, now she is reaping the consequences, but the bad habit is formed. To break it, she needs to adjust her perspective on all of these things, and she probably needs some help getting perspective right now. There's no magic trick - INFP have to alter their mindset before their behavior will be affected & that can take time.

Also, positive reinforcement always works better with us than criticism or punishment; express confidence in our ability to do something, and all of a sudden, we see ourselves in that light & we do it.

I second this

 

[Snuggletron]

I'll third what OrangeAppled said.

criticism can help anyone but for an INFP they may be more inclined to have already criticized themselves. We are usually pretty accountable creatures. Positive reinforcement helps motivate us far more than merits or points. If people are encouraging me and I'm in a positive environment I tend to take off. We are sometimes very heavy in our ideas, if someone is there to help get those off of the ground instead of tread on them they are usually very much appreciated.

 

[Rebe]

as an infp, i fooled around a lot when i should have been studying hard and achieving the goals i set for myself. high school and my first few years of college too. i was stuck on irrelevant, personal issues when i should have been utilizing my time. discipline is hard. i definitely spend a lot of time with my friends and would never say no until i had a test to study for. i have okay grades for someone who didn't apply 100% of themselves. when i do though, my work is excellent. it's very hard for me to sit down, be still and concentrate. my mind wanders to bad memories so i was always busy trying to keep those away and homework didn't help. for my history class, i did very well on all of my assignments only to fail my final because i couldn't bull-shit that last one. when we 'decide' to study, when we gather up the passion and motivation, we do extremely well, but that's the tricky part. i need some sort of external push to light up my internal motivation.