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[ENFJ] ENFJ in want of snuggles tonight

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Not quite sure what it is. When I'm "single", I'm fine with not having snuggles very regularly. I just go get a massage or whatever and it's fine.

But man. Once I get "primed" with snuggles, I want them ALL the time. Especially when I'm used to getting them and then I'm not getting them for whatever reason (OK, I'll fess. The INTP is in cave-man mode this weekend). What gives?
 

Arclight

Permabanned
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Nov 5, 2009
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3,177
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INFJ
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6w5
Ahh the fire gazing cave man.. He has been confounding women since the dawn of humanity..

Cinnamon rolls work for me.. Do you bake?

Edit.. Go ask him if he would rather be a Jedi or Sith and why.
 

copperfish17

New member
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Dec 13, 2009
Messages
712
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INTP
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5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Funny, cuz last night I had this OVERWHELMING (bold/caps for emphasis! :D) urge to hug the ENFJ in my life that I adore oh-so-much. It was probably a good thing the ENFJ wasn't in my vicinity, cuz if she was I probably would've suffocated said ENFJ in the depths of our hugglefest.

*clears throat* That aside...

So let's get this straight... are you looking for ways to drag your INTP out of his cave? Is that the intention of this thread?
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
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Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Ahh the fire gazing cave man.. He has been confounding women since the dawn of humanity..

Cinnamon rolls work for me.. Do you bake?

Edit.. Go ask him if he would rather be a Jedi or Sith and why.

Yes, I do bake, but I don't have an oven with which to bake with. :(

So let's get this straight... are you looking for ways to drag your INTP out of his cave? Is that the intention of this thread?

No, I think it's fine if he needs to stay in his cave for a while. I understand that need, and I really want to give that to him. I just kind of wish, you know, he could have told me beforehand (I know! I know!) and then I wouldn't have to spend the weekend thinking I did something wrong and simultaneously keep myself from contacting him (because, you know, I can give him his cave).

I just wish I didn't crave snuggles so much. I guess I got used to getting a certain amount of snuggles every week, and the abrupt change in the general way-things-were-going makes me feel a little off.
 

copperfish17

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sp/so
No, I think it's fine if he needs to stay in his cave for a while. I understand that need, and I really want to give that to him. I just kind of wish, you know, he could have told me beforehand (I know! I know!) and then I wouldn't have to spend the weekend thinking I did something wrong and simultaneously keep myself from contacting him (because, you know, I can give him his cave).

Aw... you sound like a very supportive person (here are some free snuggles for you! :hug:). Personal space means a lot to us INTP's; someone who is understanding of our need for "the cave" is very much appreciated.

What I can tell you right now is I'm 99.8% certain that he doesn't have a problem with you. For many INTP's, their need for "the cave" is just as strong as any ENFJ's need for appreciation/emotional validation. Note: Female INTP's (self included) have this impulse as well as the male INTP's. I would go so far as to say that "caving" is the default mode of INTP's. We feel most at peace when we're caving... as in when we're alone, comtemplating, and relaxing. When we do this, it's not intended as a rejection of you; you seem to understand this in theory, but find it more difficult to accept in practice (please do correct me if I'm wrong).

^ I'm not trying to accuse you of anything here, by the way; just stating my opinions/perceptions.

The problem that needs to be addressed here, IMO: your INTP is unaware of the extent to which his caving affects you. He isn't aware of the fact that without some sort of reassurance from him, you won't feel as secure about the relationship as he does (which is NOT your fault). The quickest way to resolve this issue is to tell him flat-out that you would appreciate it if he would inform you beforehand that he needs some time alone. As long as he understands that the issue is there, he'll make efforts to accomodate to your needs.

If that method makes you uncomfortable, you can also try lavishing him with "rewards" (hugs, kisses, gifts, compliments, etc.; whatever he likes and reponds well to) when he comes back to you from his cave. You know this already, but I'm going to say it again for emphasis: do NOT punish your INTP for going to his cave. Keep rewarding him for coming back to you. This is how the ENFJ in my life got me to keep coming back to her... and I've gotta tell ya, she has me hooked for good.

I just wish I didn't crave snuggles so much. I guess I got used to getting a certain amount of snuggles every week, and the abrupt change in the general way-things-were-going makes me feel a little off.

I relate very much to your INTP in that I tend to sporadically cut off affection from people I care about without being self-aware of it. The ENFJ in my life facilitated a great deal of emotional growth in me when she made me aware of the gaps that I created in our relationship. Nowadays I make conscious efforts to be accomodating of the ENFJ's needs, cuz I understand that she doesn't like asking for help/support/loving gestures.

TBH the whole effort I'm making to accomodate to the ENFJ's needs make my life very fulfilling. Not only is it a good goal to strive to achieve, but it also makes me feel like I'm a good person (something I don't get to feel quite often! :D)

Tis from another thread:
The INTPs inferior and aspirational function... Fe is a nebulous function for INTPs. Many INTPs reject and are actually afraid of it. But when used, it gives the INTP a sense of satisfaction, a �warm n' fuzzy� feeling.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
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8w9
No, I think it's fine if he needs to stay in his cave for a while. I understand that need, and I really want to give that to him. I just kind of wish, you know, he could have told me beforehand (I know! I know!) and then I wouldn't have to spend the weekend thinking I did something wrong and simultaneously keep myself from contacting him (because, you know, I can give him his cave).

I just wish I didn't crave snuggles so much. I guess I got used to getting a certain amount of snuggles every week, and the abrupt change in the general way-things-were-going makes me feel a little off.

I get this often. My ENFJ wants to snuggle and generally I give in because well, I'm a big pushover and he's bigger than me and sometimes he pins me down with a limb but be that as it may, I need time in the man-cave (yes I know I'm not a man). I wish we could give you ample warning of when this need arises but please stop thinking it's something you did. And don't ask several times if something is wrong. We'll tell you if there is.

If you need more snuggles the best thing is to just say that. Make a spreadsheet or something showing what you need on one side and the days of the week broken into hours. Maybe an agreement. X amount of snuggles gets me X amount of sex? No don't do that, you'll give the "I'm not a piece of meat" hurt look like I get.
 

Sparrow

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I used to try and cuddle and show love to my ENTP man but he has pushed me away so much that Im weary to even try anymore, its always on his terms. I dont want to be rejected anymore :(. He is just so mean about it too! We are currently in limbo right now, not sure if we are right for each other, it sucks. I give him all the space he needs...but now its to the point where I feel lonely even if he is around. I think our relationship is almost done.
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
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Jun 23, 2008
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sx/so
Oh, sweet Lawwwwwwd--I have an INTP, too. :) He's the best man in the whole world and I just love IXTPs :wubbie::wubbie::wubbie::wubbie::wubbie:. But...

Holy shit, he just came in with some random stuff....He's Ne-ing.

But when he's Ti-ing, watch out!!!!

Si-ing is awesome. :wubbie: He's like a marching encyclopedia of knowledge.

And Fe-ing is just. :shock: He's getting shockingly good/better at it though.

My husband is really mature because he knows when Ti is needed, but he also knows when to quit, but I have to be aware that his Ne moments don't collide with a Fi/Te moment from me. Because I think he sometimes felt :blush: and :shock: when he was Ne-ing and I was Te-ing or Fi-ing.

Sometimes I Ne when he Tis, and that's just like ***RED ERROR BUZZER***

Like shoo, scat, get the fuck OUTTA HERE!!!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!! LOL

But it's nothing you or I do (I had to LEARN that because I always take people's shit on me).

They just need that like I need my Ne and Te. No Ne + Te = really fucking apeshit LL. No Ti LL's husband = OMG.

The best is when his Ne and my Ne come together. HOLY SHIT!!! It's like a WHOA-fest.
 

INTPness

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I would go so far as to say that "caving" is the default mode of INTP's. We feel most at peace when we're caving... as in when we're alone, comtemplating, and relaxing. When we do this, it's not intended as a rejection of you

This. It's a necessity. You can't have us in your life (and have us actually be happy in the relationship) unless we have this and you learn to accept it.

you can also try lavishing him with "rewards" (hugs, kisses, gifts, compliments, etc.; whatever he likes and reponds well to) when he comes back to you from his cave. You know this already, but I'm going to say it again for emphasis: do NOT punish your INTP for going to his cave. Keep rewarding him for coming back to you.

Now there's a thought! I've always been punished and after a while I'm like, "You know what, game over."
 

ExAstrisSpes

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337
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What I can tell you right now is I'm 99.8% certain that he doesn't have a problem with you.

I *know* this, but I still can't help but feel like I did something wrong. We usually spend part of the weekend together, but obviously we haven't done anything this weekend, and he had to cancel plans with me (that we already had) next weekend because he's feting his uncle and his uncle's girlfriend (who are visiting from out-of-town). I don't anticipate he will invite me along with any of his feting next weekend, so the only time we'll get to see each other is during our dance class (which starts Thursday).

We feel most at peace when we're caving... as in when we're alone, comtemplating, and relaxing. When we do this, it's not intended as a rejection of you; you seem to understand this in theory, but find it more difficult to accept in practice (please do correct me if I'm wrong).

It's definitely hard to accept in practice. If he had reassured me that everything between us was OK then it would be easier. Then again, I would probably think, "if everything is OK how come you don't want to spend time with me?"

If that method makes you uncomfortable, you can also try lavishing him with "rewards" (hugs, kisses, gifts, compliments, etc.; whatever he likes and reponds well to) when he comes back to you from his cave. You know this already, but I'm going to say it again for emphasis: do NOT punish your INTP for going to his cave. Keep rewarding him for coming back to you.

I do this already. He hasn't said anything about it, but I do think he appreciates it.

TBH the whole effort I'm making to accomodate to the ENFJ's needs make my life very fulfilling. Not only is it a good goal to strive to achieve, but it also makes me feel like I'm a good person (something I don't get to feel quite often! :D)

He told me the other night (granted, he was quite drunk) that he thought I was a much better person than him, because I was OK with being the designated driver for the evening and putting up with his silly drunk behavior. This is a person whose friends all say he is a stand-up-and-all-around-good guy.

If you need more snuggles the best thing is to just say that. Make a spreadsheet or something showing what you need on one side and the days of the week broken into hours. Maybe an agreement. X amount of snuggles gets me X amount of sex? No don't do that, you'll give the "I'm not a piece of meat" hurt look like I get.

He's said that he's not involved with me for just the sex. He made a big point of it.

He's only recently become more open about that aspect of our relationship; I suspect he was afraid our sex drives weren't compatible.
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
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Nov 6, 2007
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so/sx
I used to try and cuddle and show love to my ENTP man but he has pushed me away so much that Im weary to even try anymore, its always on his terms. I dont want to be rejected anymore :(. He is just so mean about it too! We are currently in limbo right now, not sure if we are right for each other, it sucks. I give him all the space he needs...but now its to the point where I feel lonely even if he is around. I think our relationship is almost done.

WHAT?! That's an outrage!


Come over here and I'll snuggle you all you want. :hug: Goodness knows Domino is proabably weary of me huggling her all day. But, it's what I do.
 

Rebe

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Nov 15, 2009
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4sop
WHAT?! That's an outrage!


Come over here and I'll snuggle you all you want. :hug: Goodness knows Domino is proabably weary of me huggling her all day. But, it's what I do.

I want in too! :cry: I love to snuggle! I am not a very affectionate person, don't like to be touched usually but when it comes to people I love, I WANNA SNUGGLE ALL DAY. I so miss snuggling.
 

ExAstrisSpes

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Watch a movie: Pan's Labyrinth.

Seen it. Both beautiful and depressing. One of the best fantasy films I've seen in a long time.

I wish I could be as tough as Mercedes. And the Pale Man freaks me the hell out.
 

Thalassa

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May 3, 2009
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ISFP
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6w7
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sx
Eeew. I'm more of a dog person. Besides, cats pull the withdraw-and-withholding-snuggles thing too.

And my apartment doesn't allow pets. Even if it did, it's much too small.

A cat who really loves you won't ignore you when you're lonely or sad. That has always been my experience.

But I agree, they withdraw and withhold. On the other hand, I think dogs are excessively needy.

But about you. You should rent a dog, then.
 
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