[ENFJ] ENFJs and Figuring out a person

[Lily flower]

If someone tested me on purpose, my first reaction would be to not want to be friends with that person. That falls in the manipulative/arrogant category to me, which think is actually much worse than being greedy.

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

This is most succinct and wise.

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I 2nd the whole "testing-is-manipulation" thing, although I probably have to admit that I'm guilty of it from time to time. On the other hand, my "tests" are rarely set up. I just see how someone behaves in a situation, and it's usually after the fact that I figure out their behavior which prompts me to realize something about them and if I want to continue the relationship/interaction or not.

A few examples:
A friend was "my friend" frist, then became a mutual friend of the person I was seeing at the time. Besides the weekly game night we would see each other at, this friend and I would meet on our own around once a week. After the relationship dissolved, I opted not to continue going to the game night, and she stayed in the gaming group. In and of itself it wouldn't have been a big deal, but then she quit hanging out with me.

Because of her behavior in all that, and the way she's treated me since (contacting me only when she needs something from me), I've decided to not have her in my life anymore.

I went on a few dates with a guy I met speed dating, and he made a big show that he was a busy person and starting medical school and how all his time was scheduled and allocated away. The next weekend he called me and wanted me to come hang out with him at a bar across town from where I was at the time. I said "OK", but after thinking about it decided that I deserve to be involved with someone who can schedule time in for me, as opposed to just giving me the immediate scraps whenever he happened to be available and expecting me to drop everything for him. So I called him back and canceled.

I was recently out on a biking date with my INTP, and we were down by the beach. It was a holiday and there were a bunch of people out, who we had to swerve and maneuver around. He also surfs a lot, and after we both commented on the hassle I mentioned that he would probably be happy after the summer was over and he could have his beach back. He said, "I would never presume to think of it as my beach." He then went on to say that it was nice to see people using the beach and if you're biking down the beach you should alter your expectations to account for that. Later when I was thinking about the conversation, I thought his whole attitude about that topic was really nice and agreeable, and I thought better of him because of it.

 

[proteanmix]

Well, I guess I'm going to have to break ranks here and say I do things like that all the time. I don't part with my hard earned cash, but I do throw out little nuggets and see to the person responds. If you want to call it testing people, then yes, I do it. I'm pretty sure quite a few people have also done it to me and I've either failed miserably or shot to their top spot. I used to do that a lot here on the forum when I'd start threads and see how various people responded to figure out what and how they thought about things...basically where their head was at.

Hell, if I'm going to be judgmental might as well apply a psychometrically valid, double blind, reliable and verifiable yet highly complicated formula that's worked just fine for me 85% of the time. It's my relational FICO score.

 

[Hate]

Well, I guess I'm going to have to break ranks here and say I do things like that all the time. I don't part with my hard earned cash, but I do throw out little nuggets and see to the person responds. If you want to call it testing people, then yes, I do it. I'm pretty sure quite a few people have also done it to me and I've either failed miserably or shot to their top spot. I used to do that a lot here on the forum when I'd start threads and see how various people responded to figure out what and how they thought about things...basically where their head was at.

Hell, if I'm going to be judgmental might as well apply a psychometrically valid, double blind, reliable and verifiable yet highly complicated formula that's worked just fine for me 85% of the time. It's my relational FICO score.

How dare you break ranks protean. HOW........... dare you.

Hi protean.

 

[Thessaly]

I've never met an ENFJ that distrusting. Neat.

 

[Blown Ghost]

I would take their money and then laugh at them when they reacted. The problem with thinking you're smarter than someone is that you end up making stupid risks and decisions when it turns out you aren't, especially when we're talking about social intelligence. It's disrespectful, and at least when it's me there's a small price to pay for that disrespect.

 

[Thessaly]

Y'all sound like a bunch of moralizing INFPs in here. Quit it!

 

[Ozz]

I use my animal instinct. I turn my Ni and Fe loose on them to pick them over, and I rely on my gut reaction to them - I believe Se is responsible for gathering "gambler tells". Whatever comes in on that radar is immediately sent down the line to Ti processing, and sent back to me with identifying tags all over it.

How do they "feel"? Grey? Washed out? Fugitive? Subversive? Off-balance?

How do they "seem"? This or that comes out of their mouth, doesn't jive with the rest. Vibes.

How do they "present"? They check out. They do NOT check out. They match their actions. They do not. There's something shifty about the eyes, the hands, the slight body posture, the rise or drop in tone. Liar? Casual liar? Pathological? Wittingly/unwittingly fearful. Standing me off. Coiled up like a snake for NO reason? Is there a reason? Are they reasonable enough to understand reason at all? One arm shielding self. Won't give any ground. I can't/can touch you without an eruption. Etc.

How do they "process"? Data spew collated into sensible analysis, sent back ASAP to my primary functions.

This is very interesting. How accurate do you find your conclusion about a person in general?

 

[Ethelred the Unready]

I've never done anything like that and I would never do it. I don't test people, I usually assume people are ok and friendly, but I do go by my 'gut feeling'. If somebody makes me feel comfortable from the start I'm happy to get to know that person. But if somebody makes me feel uncomfortable or uneasy when we meet, I tend to withdraw, hide inside myself and act really cool towards this person - basically to try and discourage them from any further contact.

 

[Elfboy]

An ENFJ friend told me that he figures out whatever a friend is really worth being kept as friends by testing them at the beginning of a relationship. For example: he once tested a person by giving them money for absolutely no reason. When the person took it without hesitation, he conclude that the person was greedy and not worth being friends with.

I find that this is a very interesting and useful way to figure out someone. Have you nice people in the NF idyllic find yourself testing a potential friend by deliberately doing something and then observing their reaction? What qualities other than greed are you testing for? Any other ways to figure out a person other than giving out money for no reason?

yes, I do this quite refrequently, but I think the particular test your ENFJ friend did was incredibly stupid. just because you're willing to except someone giving you money doesn't mean you're greedy (it's called self preservation)
one of my favorite ways to test people is to simply adopt a straightforward and honest communication style where you don't hide anything or try to impress anyone. anyone who doesn't like what they see is obviously filtered out leaving the people who appreciate your real personality and beliefs. other than that, I simply observe what that person is like when he has power in a situation. power doesn't corrupt people, it reveals their true nature.