[ENFP] Upset ENFPs: Handle With Care

[Amargith]

The OP was imo most likely meant to increase understanding about this part of ENFPs and give suggestions as to how to deal with it most productively. Not meant to claim that this should be condoned by the masses.

 

[rav3n]

^ No. I just get frustrated to see that in a thread meant for people who wanna learn how to deal better with ENFPs in their lives, who wanna learn about what makes them tick, it somehow is suggested that their natural way of doing this, is supposedly wrong.


I was the first to make a post in this thread about how ENFPs can minimize the damage they can do when they go emo-bomb on people, but to view it as wrong and consider it toxic to the individual as well as the environment just shows poor understanding of how an enfp works imo. Worse even...it shows unwillingness to understand.

And yeah, that irritates me, greatly even.

It's not wrong. Just difficult to understand sometimes. That's why I mentioned "appears" to have little to no substance. Explanations help.

Most often, I don't have a problem understanding ENFP women. Now the men like Wonkavision are a different ballgame since there's a lot more aggression underlying the emotional blasts.

 

[Little Linguist]

Did you guys take this thread as a personal attack against yourselves because of your type? I don't think it was about ENFPs at all. Man, everyone loves ENFPs...

When someone brings up a new idea/thought/concept, the first thing I do is filter it through my - internal - whatchamacallit. This makes me appear egocentric, but that's not really true. I'm kinda splitting it between what makes sense, what feels right, and what I have known to be accurate for me in the past.

So this means, in essence, that I have the capability of being very logical or taking things very personally, depending on the situation.

If something strikes a nerve or somehow conflicts with some kind of principle or value, I kinda take it personally. If not, I have the ability to be oddly cool and detached.

 

[Amargith]

@ Metaphor: Anger is an emotion that allows you to feel somewhat in control, and ready for action. It's often used to surpress insecurity, pain, grief, sadness and hurt. Since men are generally less allowed by society to show this kind of vulnerability, they seem to often channel it into anger in order to be able to protect themselves and those they care for from attack. In essence though, from what I could tell, he was, in his own way, venting frustration and trying to reach out and make himself understood to those he perceived to have a disconnect with.

 

[MacGuffin]

^ No. I just get frustrated to see that in a thread meant for people who wanna learn how to deal better with ENFPs in their lives, who wanna learn about what makes them tick, it somehow is suggested that their natural way of doing this, is supposedly wrong.

The OP was imo most likely meant to increase understanding about this part of ENFPs and give suggestions as to how to deal with it most productively. Not meant to claim that this should be condoned by the masses.

TBH, I discerned another agenda from the OP, as it seemed did other people, which is how he became a punching bag.

 

[redacted]

The OP was imo most likely meant to increase understanding about this part of ENFPs and give suggestions as to how to deal with it most productively. Not meant to claim that this should be condoned by the masses.

Really?

(Re-reads OP)

Wow, so it looks like that was massively edited since the last time I read it. Still:

If they feel that they are being dismissed or silenced or told they "shouldn't" feel they way they feel, they are likely to resort to extreme behavior in order to make sure they are heard.

NOBODY wants this to happen. Not the ENFP or anyone else.

The more you dismiss them or try to silence them, the more problems will result in the end.

This is bullshit. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I don't think ENFPs have to be approached this way -- like you have to tiptoe around them. If I actually took that message to heart, I'd lose respect for ENFPs.

If someone can't communicate something, or is saying untrue things about what they're thinking, why should they expect a positive response? They're misrepresenting themselves and they want people to know that. But sometimes they're not misrepresenting themselves. So to put the responsibility of figuring that out on the OTHER PERSON is completely stupid. No one can read minds. If you express yourself in a non-productive way, you are the one creating the problem. Not the person who is listening.

No one gets to just throw tantrums and expect the other people around them to give in. Most ENFPs completely agree with this.

I don't think it's productive at all to tell the people around you "hey, I'm going to be crazy sometimes, and it's up to you to figure out when and placate me. if I insult you, don't be offended, except when I actually mean it. Oh yeah, and you have to figure out if I do mean it."

 

[Amargith]

Wow. Again with hidden agendas, and again with the reading between the lines instead of honestly looking at something and wondering if possibly, it could work that way for others.

I'm done with this thread *sigh*

 

[skylights]

okay... so i know some people would like to see discussion of wonka cease with him not being here, but being that this is his thread and his subject seemed to mainly be based around himself, i think it's not a terrible thing to talk about his behavior as long as we do so respectfully. to put a moratorium on discussing it would be to ignore the central catalyst of the thread.

My point is that Wonka's OP was exceptionally narcissistic, and that it shouldn't be thought of as representative of ENFPs in general.

yeah... wonka's OP was worded in a way that was more offensive than he realized, i feel like, which we NFPs have a tendency to do when in the heat of trying to clarify things. i think he made a strong statement telling others what to do without accounting for what he will do for others. and then the dissenting opinions started pouring in, which was no surprise, looking back on it, but that only served to ignite his sense of identity, putting him on the defense and making him seem very self absorbed. the more people said no, the more he lashed out, until leaving.

i suppose my point here was that it was narcissistic, but i imagine through his lens it did not seem to be. to him it probably looked like an attack despite his attempt to help others. and i think that's what's easily missed - the purpose of the thread was not just to help ENFPs, or himself, but to help others understand what the hell to do with us if we're freaking them out. though that is not to say that wonka didn't seem slightly more fiery and self-interested than the average ENFP.

i suppose, somewhat ironically, this thread is a case-in-point of both how not to handle an upset ENFP, as well as how the ENFP should not handle himself.

 

[rav3n]

So with NTs, the anger becomes focused and with NFs, the anger is broadcasted.

 

[redacted]

i suppose my point here was that it was narcissistic, but i imagine through his lens it did not seem to be.

Exactly. Which is why he was doomed.

Sad, from one perspective. But I am glad he's gone. I hated having to deal with him misreading my posts and calling me autistic because I was more logical. It's not like he was without fault.

 

[MacGuffin]

Wow. Again with hidden agendas, and again with the reading between the lines instead of honestly looking at something and wondering if possibly, it could work that way for others.

Sometimes the hidden agenda is the result of honestly looking at something.

I'm done with this thread *sigh*

 

[Little Linguist]

Okay, okay, okay, I'm going to go all S-central, and be more concrete so that I at least know what I'm talking about:

Stealing from the other dude who did it. (I forget who, and I'm not going to browse through five billion pages)

Here is what sometimes used to happen when between my husband and me when we didn't know each other that well.

IT: So how are you?
EF: Ugh, it's been a rough day. ***goes in room, closes door, zones out like a zombie***
IT: What's the matter?
EF: Bad class today. X didn't show up. Y acted like a fart shit. And Z was being a total dick.
IT: You can't educate stupid people.
EF: Yeah, I know, but it's really frustrating.
IT: It shouldn't bother you. You let too many things bother you.
EF: Yes, but it matters, I mean really. And it does really bother me.
IT: Well, then you have to work on yourself.
EF: **feels blood pressure rising** Well, I know, but if they were only....
IT: But they weren't. Don't always focus on what could be or what should be. It wasn't. It's over. Don't worry about it.
EF: But it bothers me.
IT: Well it shouldn't bother you.
EF: *sigh* Okay, I went through all this trouble to prepare and do this and that, and it didn't even work.
IT: You shouldn't put too much effort into things people don't appreciate.
EF: BUT I HAVE TO!!!!!
IT: Who says you have to??? No one says you have to!!! YOU just have an obsession with making everything perfect.
EF: Well excuse the hell out of me if I try to do things right!
IT: Why are you yelling?
EF: I'M NOT YELLING!!!!!
IT: You just DID! Just because YOU have a shitty day doesn't mean you can blame ME!!!!!!!!!
EF: ***about ready to flip her lid*** OK, listen, YOU'RE NOT HELPING!!!
IT: Well, what do you want??? Why do you always have to bring your work problems home! Leave them there!
EF: I CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!
IT: WELL LEARN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EF: You know what? Just FUCK IT and FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**slams door**

Now that's not really the MATURE way to handle it. But it's just two different ways of thinking/whatever coming together. Nowadays it's more like this:

IT: How was your day?
EF: Oh, well, it could have been better. But whatever. How was your day?
IT: It was good. My day's always good. Better that you're here.
EF: Aww, thanks. I need a hug. I had a kind of a rough day.
IT: Awww c'mere. ***hugs me*** Why, what happened?
EF: Oh, well, no biggie. Just the usual stuff. But sometimes it kinda piles on and you're like, wrrrraraararararrargh.
IT: Well, what did the fart shits do this time?
EF: OMG everyone was a fart shit. They farted here and shat there til I almost called the fire department.
IT: HAHAHA! Yeahhhhh and then...***random craziness***
EF: OH YEAH!!! ***giggles, giggles*** And then ***more random shit***
IT: Well, you're home now, screw the fart shits, let's eat and have some fun.
EF: Yeah, fuck em!!!!!!! ***giggles and smiles***

 

[nolla]

i suppose, somewhat ironically, this thread is a case-in-point of both how not to handle an upset ENFP, as well as how the ENFP should not handle himself.

I was just thinking this. This thread is in some ways a lot more revealing than many "nice" threads about the same subject. Personally, I was on the verge of questioning my type and changing it to INTP since I kept asking myself "Why doesn't he see the obvious facts I pointed out to him"...

But then I remembered that he is not his type, he's a person.

 

[redacted]

Okay, okay, okay, I'm going to go all S-central, and be more concrete so that I at least know what I'm talking about:

Stealing from the other dude who did it. (I forget who, and I'm not going to browse through five billion pages)

Here is what sometimes used to happen when between my husband and me when we didn't know each other that well.

IT: So how are you?
EF: Ugh, it's been a rough day. ***goes in room, closes door, zones out like a zombie***
IT: What's the matter?
EF: Bad class today. X didn't show up. Y acted like a fart shit. And Z was being a total dick.
IT: You can't educate stupid people.
EF: Yeah, I know, but it's really frustrating.
IT: It shouldn't bother you. You let too many things bother you.
EF: Yes, but it matters, I mean really. And it does really bother me.
IT: Well, then you have to work on yourself.
EF: **feels blood pressure rising** Well, I know, but if they were only....
IT: But they weren't. Don't always focus on what could be or what should be. It wasn't. It's over. Don't worry about it.
EF: But it bothers me.
IT: Well it shouldn't bother you.
EF: *sigh* Okay, I went through all this trouble to prepare and do this and that, and it didn't even work.
IT: You shouldn't put too much effort into things people don't appreciate.
EF: BUT I HAVE TO!!!!!
IT: Who says you have to??? No one says you have to!!! YOU just have an obsession with making everything perfect.
EF: Well excuse the hell out of me if I try to do things right!
IT: Why are you yelling?
EF: I'M NOT YELLING!!!!!
IT: You just DID!
EF: ***about ready to flip her lid*** OK, listen, YOU'RE NOT HELPING!!!
IT: Well, what do you want??? Why do you always have to bring your work problems home! Leave them there!
EF: I CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!
IT: WELL LEARN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EF: You know what? Just FUCK IT and FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**slams door**

Now that's not really the MATURE way to handle it. But it's just two different ways of thinking/whatever coming together. Nowadays it's more like this:

IT: How was your day?
EF: Oh, well, it could have been better. But whatever. How was your day?
IT: It was good. My day's always good. Better that you're here.
EF: Aww, thanks. I need a hug. I had a kind of a rough day.
IT: Awww c'mere. ***hugs me*** Why, what happened?
EF: Oh, well, no biggie. Just the usual stuff. But sometimes it kinda piles on and you're like, wrrrraraararararrargh.
IT: Well, what did the fart shits do this time?
EF: OMG everyone was a fart shit. They farted here and shat there til I almost called the fire department.
IT: HAHAHA! Yeahhhhh and then...***random craziness***
EF: OH YEAH!!! ***giggles, giggles*** And then ***more random shit***
IT: Well, you're home now, screw the fart shits, let's eat and have some fun.
EF: Yeah, fuck em!!!!!!! ***giggles and smiles***

Wow, that was actually quite touching.

If only Wonka could have thought that way.

 

[alexx]

LL - What type is your husband?

 

[Little Linguist]

My husband is very complex. Every time I think I've got it - it eludes me again.

Pretty sure he's INtP, though. That is why I thought it was relevant.

His cognitive functions are something like Ti>Fi>Ne>Si>Ni>Te>Se>Fe.

Mine are like Ne=Te>Fi=Si>Se>Fe>Ni>Ti.

I like to say: We have the glue that keeps us together but enough differences to keep us interesting despite the conflict (Ti/Te dichotomy is a big one).

This means we really attract(ed) each other due to our differences, but we had a shit load of cat fights at first, and broke up about three times before we settled our asses down and realized we love each other, so cut the crap and try to understand each other.

Now, we hardly have any more cat fights, and I can say that despite our occasional conflicts, we really respect and love each other. That's what it's all about. More you cannot expect from life than a man who loves and respects you, and where you enjoy giving that love and respect in return. Conflicts always occur - that's normal - but it is all about showing mutual love and respect despite the differences.

 

[alexx]

More you cannot expect from life than a man who loves and respects you, and where you enjoy giving that love and respect in return. Conflicts always occur - that's normal - but it is all about showing mutual love and respect despite the differences.

I agree completely. Love the insight on that - thanks

 

[phoenix13]

The solution is simple... Food. Slip him/her some food, and tip toe away. It's like a peace offering, or a sacrifice to a blood-thirsty god. Either way, it helps lighten things up. (This isn't really a type thing, but happens to work on this ENFP.)

 

[nolla]

Booze works even better.

 

[Thalassa]

Well the classic ENFP explosion management strategy has 3 stages.

Stage 1: Listen to the anger, say as little as possible.

Stage 2: Hug it out

Stage 3: Fun

*sighs*

This is why I want an INTJ.