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[ENFP] Upset ENFPs: Handle With Care

Wonkavision

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The best strategy for dealing with an upset ENFP:

Let them say what they want to say so they can get it out of their system.

HUGE DISCLAIMER: This is NOT to say that they should they be given free reign to say and do whatever they want.

The fact is that ENFPs are NATURALLY very EMOTIONALLY EXPRESSIVE---so if you judge the intensity of their expressions by the standard of a relatively stoic or serene temperament, you are likely to underestimate their overall reasonableness.

They're not likely to go apeshit if they are heard.

More often than not, they will feel satisfied that they were allowed to say how they feel--even if the problem isn't going to be resolved.

If you don't have time or just aren't up to it at the moment, assure them that they will have an opportunity at SOME point to express themselves, or allow them some form of communication with you, such as email, letter, phone message, etc. so you can deal with it if or when you are ready.

If you don't like what they say or the way they say it, keep in mind that arguing with them will only make things worse.

The ENFP isn't nearly as concerned about "being right" or even solving the problem as one might assume.

ENFPs are INFORMATIVE rather than DIRECTIVE, meaning that they prefer to provide information and let others decide what to do with it, rather than directing the actions of others.

They mostly just want to express how they feel.

If they feel that they are being dismissed or silenced or told they "shouldn't" feel they way they feel, they are likely to resort to extreme behavior in order to make sure they are heard.

NOBODY wants this to happen. Not the ENFP or anyone else.

The more you dismiss them or try to silence them, the more problems will result in the end.


NOTE: This may apply to other types as well (and I suspect that it does), but I don't feel as confident speaking for other types.



Discuss. :)
 

slowriot

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Okay Im not an NF but I would like to understand how this is reasonable behavior. In extreme situations, like after a death or a break up or stuff like that, its reasonable to express your emotions, ofcourse. But with a high frequency of said behavior without external issues it seems rather unreasonable behavior.

Its okay to express thoughts, but when people give you another perspective its rather immature and egocentric to keep pressing ones point of view and not go into a dialog about the issues.
 

slowriot

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Okay a breakdown of OP instead

The best strategy for dealing with an upset ENFP:

Let them say what they want to say so they can get it out of their system.

Agreed, this is rather universal.

This is NOT to say that they should they be given free reign to say and do whatever they want.

Totally agreed.

But they are NATURALLY very EMOTIONALLY EXPRESSIVE---so if you judge the intensity of their expressions by the standard of a relatively stoic or serene temperament, you are likely to underestimate their overall reasonableness.

People are different yes, but what is emotional expressive?

They're not likely to go apeshit if they are heard.

More often than not, they will feel satisfied that they were allowed to say how they feel--even if the problem isn't going to be resolved.

This is universal to all types I think.

If you don't have time or just aren't up to it at the moment, assure them that they will have an opportunity at SOME point to express themselves, or allow them some form of communication with you, such as email, letter, phone message, etc. so you can deal with it if or when you are ready.

Also universal

If you don't like what they say or the way they say it, keep in mind that arguing with them will only make things worse.

The ENFP isn't nearly as concerned about "being right" or even solving the problem as one might assume.

This I dont understand, if expressed by the other person in a reasonable tone. It sounds rather egocentric really.

ENFPs are INFORMATIVE rather than DIRECTIVE, meaning that they prefer to provide information and let others decide what to do with it, rather than directing the actions of others.

They mostly just want to express how they feel.

I have no idea what this means

If they feel that they are being dismissed or silenced or told they "shouldn't" feel they way they feel, they are likely to resort to extreme behavior in order to make sure they are heard.

NOBODY wants this to happen. Not the ENFP or anyone else.

If the ENFP dont want this to happen why would you go to extremes? Sounds like controlling/manipulative behavior.

The more you dismiss them or try to silence them, the more problems will result in the end.

Very immature behavior. And this is not meant in the way that all people needs to be "stoic". Plus it dismisses this
This is NOT to say that they should they be given free reign to say and do whatever they want.
 

Wonkavision

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Okay Im not an NF but I would like to understand how this is reasonable behavior. In extreme situations, like after a death or a break up or stuff like that, its reasonable to express your emotions, ofcourse. But with a high frequency of said behavior without external issues it seems rather unreasonable behavior.

That is a bias which must be overcome if you want to understand ENFPs.

First of all, there is nothing inherently unreasonable about being emotionally expressive.

It is completely natural for ENFPs to be emotionally expressive, and it is not something the ENFP should change.

Just because YOU only express emotions after a death or a breakup doesn't mean everyone else is, or should be, like YOU.

This is extremely elementary stuff, and it constantly amazes me how people on this forum can be so intelligent, yet not able to grasp the simplest of concepts.


Secondly, what you judge to be "without external issues" is another aspect of this bias.

Just because the issues are unimportant to YOU does not mean they are unimportant to SOMEONE ELSE.

If you can't or won't accept that, then you are blinded by your bias, and whatever knowledge you may possess about typology, it is all USELESS if you fail to realize that people have different (but equally VALID) TEMPERAMENTS.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Don't blame it on being NF. That's not an excuse, it's an explanation. The question is whether letting people emote is healthy or not in each particular instance. Not every emotion needs to, or should be, expressed, and only an immature person (NF or not) believes otherwise. Sometimes it's better to admit when you're wrong, cut your losses, avoid taking it personally, and move on, rather than try and suck everyone into an inauthentic game of stroking and coddling. My 2 cents.
 

JivinJeffJones

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Apr 25, 2007
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3,702
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INFP
Best way to handle upset ENFPs ime:

tequila_cazadores.jpg

+
Sumo%20Experience%27s%20Adult%20Sumo%20Suits.jpg
 

Wonkavision

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Don't blame it on being NF. That's not an excuse, it's an explanation. The question is whether letting people emote is healthy or not in each particular instance. Not every emotion needs to, or should be, expressed, and only an immature person (NF or not) believes otherwise. Sometimes it's better to admit when you're wrong, cut your losses, avoid taking it personally, and move on, rather than try and suck everyone into an inauthentic game of stroking and coddling. My 2 cents.

Well, your 2 cents, like most coinage, is covered in filth and excrement that can not always be seen with the naked eye, but is there, nonetheless.

But I appreciate your 2 cents anyway. :newwink:


Really though?

It's so predictable to accuse me of excusing bad behavior.

I'm sure that note is going to be played over and over in this thread.

But do you really think that's what I'm doing?
 

slowriot

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First did you read my second post?

That is a bias which must be overcome if you want to understand ENFPs.

You might have a point there. But the ENFPs I have known in my life I feel that I can understand just fine. :)

First of all, there is nothing inherently unreasonable about being emotionally expressive.

Totally agreed I am not a robot and is as influenced by emotions as any other human.

It is completely natural for ENFPs to be emotionally expressive, and it is not something the ENFP should change.

Could agree with that, one should compromise. But it goes both ways :)

Just because YOU only express emotions after a death or a breakup doesn't mean everyone else is, or should be, like YOU.

That was uncalled for and not what I meant. I might not have been expressing things the way I intended in the first post.

This is extremely elementary stuff, and it constantly amazes me how people on this forum can be so intelligent, yet not able to grasp the simplest of concepts.

I dont understand what that has to do with my questions about how it was reasonable behavior.

Secondly, what you judge to be "without external issues" is another aspect of this bias.

If you have personal issues like depression or other internal issues not related to external issues, one should ask for help and do what is needed to alleviate said issues.

A little anecdote I had a stress related one standing depression that I was treated for. I do understand what its like to have limbic moods. I might not be as expressive, yes, that is a difference for sure.

Just because the issues are unimportant to YOU does not mean they are unimportant to SOMEONE ELSE.

Totally agreed

You are blinded by your bias, and whatever knowledge you may possess about typology, it is all USELESS if you fail to realize that people have different (but equally VALID) TEMPERAMENTS.

Yes that could be and is why Im engaging you here. But I dont understand what MY bias has to do with this.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Really though?

It's so predictable to accuse me of excusing bad behavior.

I'm sure that note is going to be played over and over in this thread.

But do you really think that's what I'm doing?

I think you started this thread because you got shut down in some of your other threads, particularly the Feedback thread. You felt bad, and you thought the answer was to correct it with a little ego stroking, so you started this thread on the theory that it'll rectify your feelings and prevent it from happening again.

I read your reply to slowriot, and I'll repeat what I said. Being NF is not an excuse or justification for "just wanting to be understood." Your reply to him tries to blur right and wrong (in this case, wise and not wise) by saying that everyone has their needs and everyone is unique, blah blah blah. That's totally irrelevant. No one's contesting that you have your own needs. The issue is how to properly deal with those needs. Not all needs should be satisfied. An addict would be stupid to think that the answer to his addiction is more drugs. Likewise, an angry person would be wrong to think that lashing out (or even vent, says research) is the answer to his problem.

We have two choices: give into your game where we acknowledge you and stroke your ego for you (what I would consider inauthentic as fuck) or deal with your requests and complaints in a logical, objective, swift manner and move on. The latter beats the former.
 

Wonkavision

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I think you started this thread because you got shut down in some of your other threads, particularly the Feedback thread. You felt bad, and you thought the answer was to correct it with a little ego stroking, so you started this thread on the theory that it'll rectify your feelings and prevent it from happening again.

I read your reply to slowriot, and I'll repeat what I said. Being NF is not an excuse or justification for "just wanting to be understood." Your reply to him tries to blur right and wrong (in this case, wise and not wise) by saying that everyone has their needs and everyone is unique, blah blah blah. That's totally irrelevant. No one's contesting that you have your own needs. The issue is how to properly deal with those needs. Not all needs should be satisfied. An addict would be stupid to think that the answer to his addiction is more drugs. Likewise, an angry person would be wrong to think that lashing out (or even vent, says research) is the answer to his problem.

We have two choices: give into your game where we acknowledge you and stroke your ego for you (what I would consider inauthentic as fuck) or deal with your requests and complaints in a logical, objective, swift manner and move on. The latter beats the former.

Yeah, you definitely make a better lawyer than a psychologist.
 

Jaguar

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20,647
First of all, there is nothing inherently unreasonable about being emotionally expressive.

Agreed. As a matter of fact, not expressing one's emotions carries a host of potential problems in and of itself.

It is completely natural for ENFPs to be emotionally expressive, and it is not something the ENFP should change.

I'd rather this not be an ENFP thing, really. It's natural for a lot of people to be emotionally expressive.
No one should have to change anything about themselves, unless they're Charles Manson. :wink:
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Yeah, you definitely make a better lawyer than a psychologist.

You can't debate me with logic, so you just (try and) insult me? I'm not offended, I just think it's weak. If you know I'm wrong, say why. If not, then admit you might have miscalculated and move on. Doesn't that make sense?
 

Wonkavision

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You can't debate me with logic, so you just try and insult me? I'm not offended, I just think it's weak. If you know I'm wrong, say why. If not, then admit you might have miscalculated and move on. Doesn't that make sense?

I don't see this as an issue of "right" or "wrong".

It's advice for dealing with ENFPs. Plain and simple.

You can take it or leave it, for all I care. :shrug:
 

Little Linguist

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With all due respect, I'm going to have to disagree with you.

Sure, I want to be heard, and more importantly LISTENED TO!!!!! If you're just going to nod and smile, well fuck you! Then just go away and say you don't want to/can't listen right now/ever.

Secondly, if I have a problem that is external in nature (especially urgent), I want the fucking problem resolved. We can talk all damn day and night but if nothing's getting done at the end of the day - even if it is future action - I'm gonna be pissed. Especially if it is an expedient matter that needs to be handled. I don't wanna get coddled; we need to get shit done, damn it.

If I have an internal problem (e.g. with myself) that is something else entirely. I am the only one who can solve my own problems. Then, I need someone who is going to be caring, listen, and provide empathy or different perspectives/points of view to get me out of a loop. But more than likely, I am not going to do that very often (unless I have an emo phase, which is scary as fuck). And then don't try to solve my problems, because it is pointless.

Hope this helps. :)
 

Wonkavision

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I'd rather this not be an ENFP thing, really. It's natural for a lot of people to be emotionally expressive.

I know.

As I said in the OP:

NOTE: This may apply to other types as well (and I suspect that it does), but I don't feel as confident speaking for other types.

I guess I'll have to bold that part too.
 

slowriot

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I think you started this thread because you got shut down in some of your other threads, particularly the Feedback thread. You felt bad, and you thought the answer was to correct it with a little ego stroking, so you started this thread on the theory that it'll rectify your feelings and prevent it from happening again.

I read your reply to slowriot, and I'll repeat what I said. Being NF is not an excuse or justification for "just wanting to be understood." Your reply to him tries to blur right and wrong (in this case, wise and not wise) by saying that everyone has their needs and everyone is unique, blah blah blah. That's totally irrelevant. No one's contesting that you have your own needs. The issue is how to properly deal with those needs. Not all needs should be satisfied. An addict would be stupid to think that the answer to his addiction is more drugs. Likewise, an angry person would be wrong to think that lashing out (or even vent, says research) is the answer to his problem.

We have two choices: give into your game where we acknowledge you and stroke your ego for you (what I would consider inauthentic as fuck) or deal with your requests and complaints in a logical, objective, swift manner and move on. The latter beats the former.

Yes, it seems his idea is that we should just let everyone express their emotional issues all the time. And that we should be eachothers emotional garbage bins without giving any thought into it or have a desire to understand the person or help the person grow. (because people dont get sarcasm it seems it might be needed to be expressed)
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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I don't see this as an issue of "right" or "wrong".

It's advice for dealing with ENFPs. Plain and simple.

You can take it or leave it, for all I care. :shrug:

That's my point. You don't see it as an issue of right or wrong, but there IS an issue of right or wrong. There's a right way to deal with certain needs and a wrong way. Granted, you want to express yourself and want everyone to validate your emotions. Great. Is it right to allow that or wrong? You say it's advice, but is it the right advice, or not? I'm trying to explain why it isn't, and you haven't really addressed anything I've said.
 

Wonkavision

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You can't debate me with logic, so you just (try and) insult me? I'm not offended, I just think it's weak. If you know I'm wrong, say why. If not, then admit you might have miscalculated and move on. Doesn't that make sense?

It wasn't really an attempt to insult you.

It was a snarky way of saying that your "insight" into my motivations for posting this thread was inaccurate.

Not that it matters, but I find you pretty agreeable. :)
 

slowriot

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With all due respect, I'm going to have to disagree with you.

Sure, I want to be heard, and more importantly LISTENED TO!!!!! If you're just going to nod and smile, well fuck you! Then just go away and say you don't want to/can't listen right now/ever.

Secondly, if I have a problem that is external in nature (especially urgent), I want the fucking problem resolved. We can talk all damn day and night but if nothing's getting done at the end of the day - even if it is future action - I'm gonna be pissed. Especially if it is an expedient matter that needs to be handled. I don't wanna get coddled; we need to get shit done, damn it.

If I have an internal problem (e.g. with myself) that is something else entirely. I am the only one who can solve my own problems. Then, I need someone who is going to be caring, listen, and provide empathy or different perspectives/points of view to get me out of a loop. But more than likely, I am not going to do that very often (unless I have an emo phase, which is scary as fuck). And then don't try to solve my problems, because it is pointless.

Hope this helps. :)

THANK YOU LL

And I agree with you completely. Thats very very reasonable.
 

Wonkavision

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With all due respect, I'm going to have to disagree with you.

Sure, I want to be heard, and more importantly LISTENED TO!!!!! If you're just going to nod and smile, well fuck you! Then just go away and say you don't want to/can't listen right now/ever.

Secondly, if I have a problem that is external in nature (especially urgent), I want the fucking problem resolved. We can talk all damn day and night but if nothing's getting done at the end of the day - even if it is future action - I'm gonna be pissed. Especially if it is an expedient matter that needs to be handled. I don't wanna get coddled; we need to get shit done, damn it.

If I have an internal problem (e.g. with myself) that is something else entirely. I am the only one who can solve my own problems. Then, I need someone who is going to be caring, listen, and provide empathy or different perspectives/points of view to get me out of a loop. But more than likely, I am not going to do that very often (unless I have an emo phase, which is scary as fuck). And then don't try to solve my problems, because it is pointless.

Hope this helps. :)

I don't personally believe you're an ENFP, but I appreciate your input anyway, Linguist. :yes::hug:
 
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