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[ENFJ] ENFJs I have figured you out.

Amargith

Hotel California
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Nov 5, 2008
Messages
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sx/so
I get your point. I usually suck at the harshness thing, so I'll do the flighty-thing instead. I'll make it clear first that we are friends and I'm already taken and after that I'll let the relationship naturally dwindle down a little, to lessen the connection. I still wanna see them and still am my natural self around them when I do see them, but I know that infatuation automatically fades if you break contact for 2 to 3 weeks, especially if it's a recent crush, so I make sure that they get that break, to wake up from that chemical coctail their body has been feeding them.

I used to do the same myself when I was in their position, at least, if I wanted to break the spell.
 

Blown Ghost

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2010
Messages
279
MBTI Type
ESFP
I get your point. I usually suck at the harshness thing, so I'll do the flighty-thing instead. I'll make it clear first that we are friends and I'm already taken and after that I'll let the relationship naturally dwindle down a little, to lessen the connection. I still wanna see them and still am my natural self around them when I do see them, but I know that infatuation automatically fades if you break contact for 2 to 3 weeks, especially if it's a recent crush, so I make sure that they get that break, to wake up from that chemical coctail their body has been feeding them.

I used to do the same myself when I was in their position, at least, if I wanted to break the spell.

Ahh. I wonder if things wouldn't just be the same once you were back in touch. Either way, I can admire your way of doing things.

You know... for a whiny brat you're pretty gentle. :smooch:
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
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INFJ
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6w5
Does this mean that I too can know the magic of ENFJ mind-control, if I figure out the correct way to apply said ingredients?

*cautiously rubs implausibly cute kitten onto various body parts*

Z Buck..

You are too funny:laugh:.. I am now helplessly charmed by you.. Do you think you could tone down the humor, please???.. I don't appreciate the emotional manipulation. I know you are making me laugh on purpose because you are insecure and need my admiration to make yourself feel better..

Shame on YOU!!!!
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
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INfp
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9w1
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sp/sx
Am I the only INFP that doesn't like the implied emotional powerlessness that pervades this thread? Perhaps learning how to take responsibility for your own emotions is something that must come from experience.

I'm not saying you need a death grip control over your all of your emotions (dangerous and ultimately impossible), but you can still take ownership of them.

Anyways, it took me a few rounds of this with a few ENFJs to figure out that you guys get skiddish easy and when you get excited by another it's in your DNA to go nuts with enthusiasm despite the fact that you ARE going to back off unless you think we're a sure thing.

You dated these guys, so clearly they WERE attracted to you and liked you. It makes me think the charms they used on you were genuine. The problem seems like after that, you wanted too much, too quickly. Perhaps you were so caught up in how you felt, that you completely failed to give the ENFJ what he needed to feel like you were a "sure thing". There is a surprising practicality underpinning NFJ effusiveness.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
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Messages
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Am I the only INFP that doesn't like the implied emotional powerlessness that pervades this thread? Perhaps learning how to take responsibility for your own emotions is something that must come from experience.

I'm not saying you need a death grip control over your all of your emotions (dangerous and ultimately impossible), but you can still take ownership of them.



You dated these guys, so clearly they WERE attracted to you and liked you. It makes me think the charms they used on you were genuine. The problem seems like after that, you wanted too much, too quickly. Perhaps you were so caught up in how you felt, that you completely failed to give the ENFJ what he needed to feel like you were a "sure thing". There is a surprising practicality underpinning NFJ effusiveness.


:yes: Listen to the Dog, he knows.

I agree with you, at least, unless there's more info that we weren't privy to.
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
You have mutant powers??? Who knew??

I have been using this stuff myself.
love_potion_1170.jpg

:headphne: "Love Potion #9 . . . . "

I rather like a combination of mind-control items.

Implausibly cute kittens, eight pairs of hand cuffs, plus a choking haze of cheap cologne. No one escapes!

It's the Aqua Velva that ties everything together. :newwink:

I am actually going to take this advice seriously. The next time an ENFJ contacts me I am gone like yesterday. They won't even get acknowledgment in the slightest form.

It's either that or turn into a sadist and inject them with my slow working emotional poison, but I prefer to save that for the sensor exes who never understood me. Plus I'm too sporting to try to hurt an ENFJ. That's simply too easy; like taking candy from a deaf, blind baby with no arms.

The thing is, by the time you figure out he/she is an ENFJ, it will be too late! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 

Sparrow

New member
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May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
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so/sx
I've learned to make it clear within the first convo I have with others that I'm taken. That I'm very happy that way. And people still blame you afterwards when you 'charm' them. Give ENFJs a break already. Their strenght is their charm, and their love for others. Let them be themselves, without expecting and assuming things, just coz they're kind to you.

Yeah :steam:! What she said ;). :hifive:
 

You

New member
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Jun 8, 2010
Messages
2,124
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entp
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7w8
All this relationship stuff gets me sick to my stomach, like seeing new couples on the beach or at the park.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
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Ahh. I wonder if things wouldn't just be the same once you were back in touch. Either way, I can admire your way of doing things.

You know... for a whiny brat you're pretty gentle. :smooch:

Tnx..you're not half bad yourself ;)

Things *can* go back to the same if you let them. But, once you are aware of that danger, you can keep just a little bit more social distance, while staying warm to someone, and have 'the talk'. That way the bond doesn't have to be lost or disrupted in an unpleasant way.
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
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ENFJ
All this relationship stuff gets me sick to my stomach, like seeing new couples on the beach or at the park.

Ha! Last weekend I was hanging out with my INTP and some of his friends at a campsite. My INTP sat behind me on the picnic table bench I was sitting at, wrapped his arms around me and we must have said some cute things to each other. Then I looked up and noticed one of his friends looking at us and shaking his head. I asked him, "You just saw all that, didn't you?" And he took a swig of his beer and said, "Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

I've learned to make it clear within the first convo I have with others that I'm taken. That I'm very happy that way. And people still blame you afterwards when you 'charm' them. Give ENFJs a break already. Their strenght is their charm, and their love for others. Let them be themselves, without expecting and assuming things, just coz they're kind to you.

I've tried this in the past, with varying results. Most awkwardly is when I meet someone when I'm single, and then I get picked up/attached to someone else, and then when the first guy works up the nerve to actually approach me, gets shut down. :(

In general, I find that people find it easy to blame someone else for the way they feel. The only person who controls how you feel, and who can regulate it, is yourself. Yes, you can be impacted by others, but that is your choice, and it is possible to get a handle on that. For that matter, you'll never be able to make *everyone* 'behave' emotionally, so you're better off learning how to navigate these situations.

Oh yes. This! :)
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
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ENFJ
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4w5
Am I the only INFP that doesn't like the implied emotional powerlessness that pervades this thread? Perhaps learning how to take responsibility for your own emotions is something that must come from experience.

I'm not saying you need a death grip control over your all of your emotions (dangerous and ultimately impossible), but you can still take ownership of them.



You dated these guys, so clearly they WERE attracted to you and liked you. It makes me think the charms they used on you were genuine. The problem seems like after that, you wanted too much, too quickly. Perhaps you were so caught up in how you felt, that you completely failed to give the ENFJ what he needed to feel like you were a "sure thing". There is a surprising practicality underpinning NFJ effusiveness.

Oh you're good, mister. However, you're an older male INFP. This can contribute to the understanding and mindset a lot.
When would you say the good understanding set in? I tend to see a running theme when talking to INFPs who've got life experience and time under their belt.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
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Aug 2, 2008
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9w1
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sp/sx
Oh you're good, mister. However, you're an older male INFP. This can contribute to the understanding and mindset a lot.
When would you say the good understanding set in? I tend to see a running theme when talking to INFPs who've got life experience and time under their belt.

If you don't mind sharing, what's the running theme you've noticed? :) PM me if you prefer.

For me, it was after life threw some nasty curve balls at me when I was 28 - stuff I've talked about here before. I was tired (and ANGRY) with feeling like a victim in my own life. That led me to the heartbreaking realization that the only person to blame for my feeling like a victim was me.

I will agree with the idea that there are people that stack the deck against you. The INFJ that I had feelings for at the time had incentive and did very specific things to keep me emotionally invested, even as she pursued another man. However, the warning signs were all there and, all BS aside, I wanted to be led on more than I wanted to face the ice-cold reality that she wasn't interested.

She, and people like her, no longer have a place in my life.
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
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4w5
If you don't mind sharing, what's the running theme you've noticed? :) PM me if you prefer.

For me, it was after life threw some nasty curve balls at me when I was 28 - stuff I've talked about here before. I was tired (and ANGRY) with feeling like a victim in my own life. That led me to the heartbreaking realization that the only person to blame for my feeling like a victim was me.

I will agree with the idea that there are people that stack the deck against you. The INFJ that I had feelings for at the time had incentive and did very specific things to keep me emotionally invested, even as she pursued another man. However, the warning signs were all there and, all BS aside, I wanted to be led on more than I wanted to face the ice-cold reality that she wasn't interested.

She, and people like her, no longer have a place in my life.
I'll likely PM beyond this, but I've noticed (and been told by other NFJs/NFPs) that INFPs don't function properly until they are either broken or until they age enough. I have heard the same of ENFPs, but it seems to be more prevalent in the Introverts.
I've also experienced a good chunk of them... and they kinda put me on "Murder Death Kill" mode :blush:.
I've also said that INFPs just love to sabotage themselves and love to seek out abuse. Older INFPs, specifically the men, tend to recognize and alter this. The women.. I've not known many older ones, but I'd venture a guess that they cling to the fantasy longer.

When I've compared INFPs and ENFJs, I've made a point that ENFJs will simply allow for the abuse that is already in place, whereas INFPs will seek or create the abuse for themselves.

NFJs are some of the cruelest creatures, imo. I could say that STJs are, but they are very obvious and expected in that way. NFJs are cruel in the way that we can be so underhanded and reactive. For an INFP that wants abuse.. NFJs are probably the ultimate best source of it.
 

tortoise

New member
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Aug 25, 2010
Messages
161
MBTI Type
ENFP
Yes, people are responsible for their own emotions but that's a rather careless approach to take when dealing with others, especially considering the fact that most people aren't immune to the influence of others. You can't just act however you want and then point the finger at the other person when they react.

Yes, people are responsible for their emotions. However, it's a cop out to push people's buttons and then use that line on them.
 

tortoise

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Aug 25, 2010
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ENFP
NFJs are some of the cruelest creatures, imo. I could say that STJs are, but they are very obvious and expected in that way. NFJs are cruel in the way that we can be so underhanded and reactive. For an INFP that wants abuse.. NFJs are probably the ultimate best source of it.

I'm still getting over the hurt from my INFJ ex-girlfriend.
 

TheEmeraldCanopy

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Jan 4, 2009
Messages
280
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I've also said that INFPs just love to sabotage themselves and love to seek out abuse. Older INFPs, specifically the men, tend to recognize and alter this. The women.. I've not known many older ones, but I'd venture a guess that they cling to the fantasy longer.

When I've compared INFPs and ENFJs, I've made a point that ENFJs will simply allow for the abuse that is already in place, whereas INFPs will seek or create the abuse for themselves.

Is this just applying to relationships? Or do you mean with everything in life, that INFPs "love to sabotage themselves"? You seem to have met and known a lot of INFPs, so could you offer examples of this, in the INFPs you've seen, beyond relationships (if you're implying that this goes beyond relationships and into everything else)?

You can PM me if that's easier for you. This just really caught my attention, and I'm very curious. :yes:
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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Mar 20, 2009
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You might want to re-read the first post. The "offender" cycles between charisma, focus on others, support, kindness, and withdrawl out of careful consideration. As far as we know, the "offendee" here complains about everyone rather than everyone complaining about the offender. Let's observe the true colors of the offendee by how he/she chooses to respond to what they consider to be less than optimal social circumstances.

The "offender" is being identified as ENFJ, and the question is being asked about a tendency in ENFJs to exhibit this behavior (but certainly not ALL of them do). You can do a search for "ENFJs and flirting" and see what comes up. It's a reoccurring topic, because many people notice this trend. This is also why ENFJs get accused of being insincere & manipulative. I'm NOT saying they are, but this is partly why people draw such conclusions.

Instead of addressing the topic directly, ENFJs usually divert attention away from it, just as what is happening now. Ah, that Fe is a sneaky little bugger...

No it's not.. I can't make you love me.. I can't make anybody love me.
I am not saying my behavior is not my responsibility. I am saying Your feelings are not my responsibility.
Having someone tell me to tone it down because they can't control how they feel is an incredibly hard position to be in .. and I think I have explained myself well in this thread and what the difference is.

I just can't turn the charm on or off. I am just being who I am .
I do not have a responsibility to alter my personality for anyone. And I control my behavior already, but that is my only responsibility.

I like you , can you please stop being you so I don't like you anymore, See it hurts that you are you and that is just not fair, unless you like me back.

Please.. either we are not talking about the same thing.. or something is really wrong here.

Changing behavior does not mean changing who you are. Of all people, I'd expect a Fe-dom to know that behavior can be & sometimes MUST be adjusted for different situations & different people in order to maintain harmony. Once you are aware that your behavior is often interpreted as flirting, then you can adjust it when interacting with certain individuals, or maybe in situations where it's not appropriate at all. Claiming obliviousness doesn't cut it once it's happened a few times. If it's a reoccurring problem, then you're responsible also.

We're not talking about just being nice & polite anyway - the OP is talking about this in the context of dating someone. Maybe I have this view because I've read more of the back story in other threads; if it's the same guy, then he's been yanking her around for awhile. He was dating her, but still in love with his ex, blah blah blah. And yes, it's also her responsibility to cut herself free, but that doesn't make his behavior okay.

You can't "make" someone love you, but you can certainly lead them on. It puts someone in a difficult position if you insist on being "your charming self" with them, so that they may have to cut you off entirely. If you would adjust, then that may not be necessary.

I'm just tired of hearing people spew greeting card advice in the form of dismissive lines like "take responsibility for your own emotions". Oh really? Thanks - that solves everything! :rolli:

What are people going to say next, "just be yourself"? What other golden nugget of wisdom will be offered?
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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Nov 5, 2007
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*applies kittens to Appled's willpower*
 

Arclight

Permabanned
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The "offender" is being identified as ENFJ, and the question is being asked about a tendency in ENFJs to exhibit this behavior (but certainly not ALL of them do). You can do a search for "ENFJs and flirting" and see what comes up. It's a reoccurring topic, because many people notice this trend. This is also why ENFJs get accused of being insincere & manipulative. I'm NOT saying they are, but this is partly why people draw such conclusions.

Instead of addressing the topic directly, ENFJs usually divert attention away from it, just as what is happening now. Ah, that Fe is a sneaky little bugger...



Changing behavior does not mean changing who you are. Of all people, I'd expect a Fe-dom to know that behavior can be & sometimes MUST be adjusted for different situations & different people in order to maintain harmony. Once you are aware that your behavior is often interpreted as flirting, then you can adjust it when interacting with certain individuals, or maybe in situations where it's not appropriate at all. Claiming obliviousness doesn't cut it once it's happened a few times. If it's a reoccurring problem, then you're responsible also.

We're not talking about just being nice & polite anyway - the OP is talking about this in the context of dating someone. Maybe I have this view because I've read more of the back story in other threads; if it's the same guy, then he's been yanking her around for awhile. He was dating her, but still in love with his ex, blah blah blah. And yes, it's also her responsibility to cut herself free, but that doesn't make his behavior okay.

You can't "make" someone love you, but you can certainly lead them on. It puts someone in a difficult position if you insist on being "your charming self" with them, so that they may have to cut you off entirely. If you would adjust, then that may not be necessary.

I'm just tired of hearing people spew greeting card advice in the form of dismissive lines like "take responsibility for your own emotions". Oh really? Thanks - that solves everything! :rolli:

What are people going to say next, "just be yourself"? What other golden nugget of wisdom will be offered?

You can put your claws away dear :laugh:
I am not spewing a cliche at you.
It is an actual belief of mine.
I think the key here is intent , or honest oblivion.
AM I charming? Some people certainly seem to think so. I am not disagreeing with those who think so, but I am not always certain why they think so. I am pretty unaware why.
Nor do I feel I am very charming, and I am still genuinely touched when someone says I am, in a complimentary way.
I would say I am pretty oblivious to people reactions to me and have been accused so.
But even then It's their reaction. not my intent that is the issue.

Let me present it from a different angle and put the onus on you.
Maybe you are responsible for disarming me enough that I relax in your presence and I am more able to be myself (which in turn you find charming).
So can I then say?.. Stop being so understanding and considerate of my feelings that I disarm and feel soothed in your presence. It's manipulative and you need to curb that. especially if you can't handle the results it breeds in making me be myself.

No.. I say no. I can't possibly impose that onto you..I have to own what is mine.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
hahahaha this thread is SO classic. Luckily, I am the worst flirt on the face of the planet. :devil:
 
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