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[ENFJ] ENFJs I have figured you out.

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
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6w5
You can't claim modesty after this:



I'm sorry, but you can't. :rules:


How is it inauthentic to act disinterested in someone you're not interested in. Are you interested in everyone you meet? Maybe higher your standards of interesting human behavior.

I easily overlook most people I meet. You should be more misanthropic like me.

Those are all things people have told me make me charming.. I would never say that about myself.

I think I am ugly, graceless and boring.. and I can't even keep the people I love in my life.. How charming is that?

I am interested in people. But I don't pay heed to everyone. Just if I am forced to be around them.. like work or school. I just feel better disarming people and not having to be on alert.. so I try to connect in some way.. is that bad??
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
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ENFJ
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4w5
Aw hellllll naaaaw. :laugh:

Actually, yes, but I became self-aware of this very early on. I've made it a point to warn people beforehand, during, and after. The problem after that is in what they choose to do (or not do) with the knowledge I drop on them.
An ENFJ that doesn't make themselves clear on this is an ENFJ that needs to take some personal time out to figure out what they are doing. :yes:
 

SpankyMcFly

Level 8 Propaganda Bot
Joined
Nov 19, 2009
Messages
2,349
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INFJ
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461
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Thessaly, do you like psychology much? Here are some terms you might want to google and check out: attachment; theory, in adults, disorders, styles. I often find understanding things from an academic perspective to be quite rewarding and soothing when I can apply it to the "real" world.

My personal experience with "people" persons is that some have problems modulating their affection. They do not see or understand or respect others boundaries when it comes to personal interactions. Romantic signs of attraction are tossed around and eventually someone loses an eye. I often associate these type of people as Anxious-Preoccupied attacher's. They tend to agree with the following statement "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." This behavior is often a manifestation of their low self esteem and/or their insecurities. They need to "suck people in", it alleviates the drive. Emo vampires? I vant tu suck yor emotional energy!

My advise is simple. Learn to spot them and respond accordingly. WTH is accordingly? In this, "to each their own". What I do is I let them suck on me, just a little. What can I say I'm a hedonist with masochistic tendencies :p If my feelers get hurt, I only have myself to blame for playing with fire. It's usually a win/win, my favorite kind of outcome :). Beware of the greater stripped emo vampire, their intentions are anything but benevolent and they have no qualms exercising negative influence to achieve their ends and often leave their victims dried up husks dangling in the wind.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
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4w3
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sx/so
So you're all very charismatic, bubbly people-persons. You out pour support and kindness like no other.

But then you influence all these romantic feelings, which wasn't your intention or maybe it was, but now that you got it you don't want it. So in an attempt to neutralize the situation you do a silent withdrawn 180 hoping the other person will just simmer down/back off and you won't need to hurt their feelings by addressing the situation.

This cycle tends to repeat because you guys just can't help yourselves. It's almost a reflex for you to say things you don't mean or won't mean within a few hours or a day or two. And you can't let go of people and the rest of us who are hooked of course come back for more only for you to do your 180 dance again. I felt like I was staring into the face of something consumptive.

Anyways, it took me a few rounds of this with a few ENFJs to figure out that you guys get skiddish easy and when you get excited by another it's in your DNA to go nuts with enthusiasm despite the fact that you ARE going to back off unless you think we're a sure thing.

I forgive you all, but seriously stop it. I don't want your ENFJ super powers to stop working on me because I begin to assume you're all just crying wolf.

Thessaly, I like you, so I'm going to tell you to run your little butt off in the opposite direction. You see an ENFJ coming toward you, RUN. I'm sad to say that I find us all pretty much like mutants. My sister briefly dated one and I wanted to chase him out of my yard with a stick.
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
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INFJ
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Thessaly, I like you, so I'm going to tell you to run your little butt off in the opposite direction. You see an ENFJ coming toward you, RUN. I'm sad to say that I find us all pretty much like mutants. My sister briefly dated one and I wanted to chase him out of my yard with a stick.

You have mutant powers??? Who knew??

I have been using this stuff myself.
love_potion_1170.jpg
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
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4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I rather like a combination of mind-control items.

Implausibly cute kittens, eight pairs of hand cuffs, plus a choking haze of cheap cologne. No one escapes!
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,047
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5w4
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sx/sp
I rather like a combination of mind-control items.

Implausibly cute kittens, eight pairs of hand cuffs, plus a choking haze of cheap cologne. No one escapes!

Does this mean that I too can know the magic of ENFJ mind-control, if I figure out the correct way to apply said ingredients?

*cautiously rubs implausibly cute kitten onto various body parts*
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
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3w4
Thessaly, I like you, so I'm going to tell you to run your little butt off in the opposite direction. You see an ENFJ coming toward you, RUN. I'm sad to say that I find us all pretty much like mutants. My sister briefly dated one and I wanted to chase him out of my yard with a stick.

I am actually going to take this advice seriously. The next time an ENFJ contacts me I am gone like yesterday. They won't even get acknowledgment in the slightest form.

It's either that or turn into a sadist and inject them with my slow working emotional poison, but I prefer to save that for the sensor exes who never understood me. Plus I'm too sporting to try to hurt an ENFJ. That's simply too easy; like taking candy from a deaf, blind baby with no arms.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
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sp/sx
Ah yes, the "yo-yo effect" is what I like to call it..... I don't think these ENFJs are consciously aware of it. Often, these are rather insecure ENFJs looking for validation - once they get some, they let go because there was never any serious intention & they truly do not want to lead you on. However, once they start feeling down they'll reel you in again for an ego boost. This is NOT characteristic of all ENFJs, but common enough that patterns seem to be noted by many who've dealt with ENFJs....

You have certainly figured out one thing.. You are responsible for how you feel about someone, not the other way around.

This is one of those over-simplified, cliche statements that REALLY annoys me. It completely removes responsibility from a person for their treatment of another person. People are also responsible for how they behave, what they say, and how they continue to deal with another person once they are aware of how it affects them. If you go around screaming at people & can't figure out why they all get upset & don't like you, then there is something wrong with you. You've affected them, and you certainly bear some responsibility.
 

Sparrow

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
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so/sx
Don't give up on all ENFJs :( we ain't all bad. INFPs are supposed be ENFJs compatible relationship match!
 

You

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2010
Messages
2,124
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entp
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7w8
Ah yes, the "yo-yo effect" is what I like to call it..... I don't think these ENFJs are consciously aware of it. Often, these are rather insecure ENFJs looking for validation - once they get some, they let go because there was never any serious intention & they truly do not want to lead you on. However, once they start feeling down they'll reel you in again for an ego boost. This is NOT characteristic of all ENFJs, but common enough that patterns seem to be noted by many who've dealt with ENFJs....



This is one of those over-simplified, cliche statements that REALLY annoys me. It completely removes responsibility from a person for their treatment of another person. People are also responsible for how they behave, what they say, and how they continue to deal with another person once they are aware of how it affects them. If you go around screaming at people & can't figure out why they all get upset & don't like you, then there is something wrong with you. You've affected them, and you certainly bear some responsibility.

This post made me feel bad for being an asshole to this girl today....:doh:
 

Blown Ghost

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2010
Messages
279
MBTI Type
ESFP
Uh, sorry but I think your perspective on this is all backwards. It is the less aware, less experienced, or less developed person who needs to adapt and take on more responsibility. It's very ignorant and senseless to expect the "haves" to regress themselves just so the "have-nots" don't have to feel insecure. In my experience, it is always the former who is compromising and sacrificing and the latter who just plain "sucks" (in many meanings of the word) because they don't know better.

In fact, understanding and accepting where one is immature or weak to such high standards is how one gets to be many of these qualities you consider to be negative. Normally I wouldn't do this check yo'self before you wreck yo'self bit, but I feel the need to set the record straight here lest some sensitive but not yet strong ENFJ actually thinks there is yet something else they need to improve on if they act like you describe.

This is one of those over-simplified, cliche statements that REALLY annoys me. It completely removes responsibility from a person for their treatment of another person. People are also responsible for how they behave, what they say, and how they continue to deal with another person once they are aware of how it affects them. If you go around screaming at people & can't figure out why they all get upset & don't like you, then there is something wrong with you. You've affected them, and you certainly bear some responsibility.

You might want to re-read the first post. The "offender" cycles between charisma, focus on others, support, kindness, and withdrawl out of careful consideration. As far as we know, the "offendee" here complains about everyone rather than everyone complaining about the offender. Let's observe the true colors of the offendee by how he/she chooses to respond to what they consider to be less than optimal social circumstances.

Exhibit A:

I am actually going to take this advice seriously. The next time an ENFJ contacts me I am gone like yesterday. They won't even get acknowledgment in the slightest form.

It's either that or turn into a sadist and inject them with my slow working emotional poison, but I prefer to save that for the sensor exes who never understood me. Plus I'm too sporting to try to hurt an ENFJ. That's simply too easy; like taking candy from a deaf, blind baby with no arms.

Real classy. Yes, clearly the other person is the one who needs to change. :dry:
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
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4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
OK here is a point you seem to be missing.. and as an INFP you ought to understand this on some level.
I don't think I am charming, people are just charmed by me sometimes.. how do I control that??
See to ask me to change, is to ask me to be inauthentic, and that I believe, is where you might finally understand.. I hope.


Agreed.

There's a difference between doing it on purpose, which can be fun if all parties know what's going on, and just being told not to be yourself coz you offend/charm others :shock:

I think the lady doth protest too much....

Really, just be direct and honest. My favorite line is "I don't think of you that way," and anything akin. It makes things clear as day, so if there is any confusion after that point the responsibility won't be your own.

Take responsibility for your actions, people.

I've learned to make it clear within the first convo I have with others that I'm taken. That I'm very happy that way. And people still blame you afterwards when you 'charm' them. Give ENFJs a break already. Their strenght is their charm, and their love for others. Let them be themselves, without expecting and assuming things, just coz they're kind to you.


Uh, sorry but I think your perspective on this is all backwards. It is the less aware, less experienced, or less developed person who needs to adapt and take on more responsibility. It's very ignorant and senseless to expect the "haves" to regress themselves just so the "have-nots" don't have to feel insecure. In my experience, it is always the former who is compromising and sacrificing and the latter who just plain "sucks" (in many meanings of the word) because they don't know better.

In fact, understanding and accepting where one is immature or weak to such high standards is how one gets to be many of these qualities you consider to be negative. Normally I wouldn't do this check yo'self before you wreck yo'self bit, but I feel the need to set the record straight here lest some sensitive but not yet strong ENFJ actually thinks there is yet something else they need to improve on if they act like you describ


You might want to re-read the first post. The "offender" cycles between charisma, focus on others, support, kindness, and withdrawl out of careful consideration. As far as we know, the "offendee" here complains about everyone rather than everyone complaining about the offender. Let's observe the true colors of the offendee by how he/she chooses to respond to what they consider to be less than optimal social circumstances.

Exhibit A:



Real classy. Yes, clearly the other person is the one who needs to change. :dry:

I wouldn't have put it this bluntly, but yeah, I agree.

Though I admit that you have to be sensitive to the impact you have on others, there's a line where the other person has to babysit his own emotions as well. Being kind and getting along with others does not make a love interest.

Personally, Thessaly, I'd need more info to figure out who was in fact out of line, or who's responsibility it was, so I'll refrain from commenting on that specific situation. For that matter, I think your comment shows insight and I appreciate that you wanted to share it with others, so they can learn from it as well. It's something you can use though to navigate the emotional world next time, to adjust your expectations in accordance to what this situation has taught you.


In general, I find that people find it easy to blame someone else for the way they feel. The only person who controls how you feel, and who can regulate it, is yourself. Yes, you can be impacted by others, but that is your choice, and it is possible to get a handle on that. For that matter, you'll never be able to make *everyone* 'behave' emotionally, so you're better off learning how to navigate these situations.
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
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INFJ
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Ah yes, the "yo-yo effect" is what I like to call it..... I don't think these ENFJs are consciously aware of it. Often, these are rather insecure ENFJs looking for validation - once they get some, they let go because there was never any serious intention & they truly do not want to lead you on. However, once they start feeling down they'll reel you in again for an ego boost. This is NOT characteristic of all ENFJs, but common enough that patterns seem to be noted by many who've dealt with ENFJs....



This is one of those over-simplified, cliche statements that REALLY annoys me. It completely removes responsibility from a person for their treatment of another person. People are also responsible for how they behave, what they say, and how they continue to deal with another person once they are aware of how it affects them. If you go around screaming at people & can't figure out why they all get upset & don't like you, then there is something wrong with you. You've affected them, and you certainly bear some responsibility.

No it's not.. I can't make you love me.. I can't make anybody love me.
I am not saying my behavior is not my responsibility. I am saying Your feelings are not my responsibility.
Having someone tell me to tone it down because they can't control how they feel is an incredibly hard position to be in .. and I think I have explained myself well in this thread and what the difference is.

I just can't turn the charm on or off. I am just being who I am .
I do not have a responsibility to alter my personality for anyone. And I control my behavior already, but that is my only responsibility.

I like you , can you please stop being you so I don't like you anymore, See it hurts that you are you and that is just not fair, unless you like me back.

Please.. either we are not talking about the same thing.. or something is really wrong here.
 

Blown Ghost

New member
Joined
Aug 16, 2010
Messages
279
MBTI Type
ESFP
Though I admit that you have to be sensitive to the impact you have on others, there's a line where the other person has to babysit his own emotions as well. Being kind and getting along with others does not make a love interest.

I used to think so, but not as much anymore. In the situation described, when I am being sensitive towards the person's emotional condition they tended to file it under their "evidence he has special feelings about me". Not every time, but enough that I began to think the problem is ultimately that they are entering into our closer interactions looking to confirm whatever they want to believe. Now I tend to be so blunt that some people have called me cruel, however, I suffer in having to do such a thing to someone I like (but not like-like!) so that they suffer shortly but ultimately less.

It's kind of sad, actually. I wish it weren't the case, but it just seems a lot of people only take sensibility and sensitivity for granted to the point of abuse. I know that ultimately, whether the other person wants to accept it or not, if they aren't bleeding then they're gonna be fine, and that has helped me to use a little healthy harshness. :)
 
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